Anyone ever left a happy marriage

[LAMLC2011]

Anyone ever left a happy marriage due to a possible mid life crisis?

I think I might be peri-menopausal as I can tick off alot of the symptoms but my Dr says not (as nothing showing in blood test and I still get periods).

My DH is great in every way, an amazing father too but I'm bored. Not just bored of him more bored with life to be honest.

Just turned 40 and kind of feel like I'm having a mid life crisis. I know I definitely shouldn't uproot mine, my dh and my sons whole life because I'm bored but I keep having these feelings.

Not to drip feed there is someone else I have feelings for but I'm not having an affair in any way (physical or emotional). I'm not even sure they have feelings for me although they are a friend.

Realistically I wouldn't be leaving my husband for this person as they have no idea I'm thinking about leaving my dh and possibly wouldn't want to get involved with splitting up a family (who would!). I do dream about a life with this other person but it's literally a dream (fantasy world)- real life is very different.

I don't want to ruin my life, how do I get through this? I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. It's like I want to run away from my life (not end my life, absolutely not suicidal) and start fresh.

I'm having these thoughts daily.

Has anyone gone through this?

@Allthescreens if your DH is keen for you to try new things, how does he see that happening in practice if you have no money or free time? How old are your DC? If there was something you wanted to do and told him you were going to do X on a certain day/time how would he react?

DP has made lunch, emptied the dishwasher and put the laundry out to dry before going to work. It’s like he’s had a personality transplant since I said I wanted to leave and I feel ungrateful for not being grateful!

You don't feel grateful because you've been doing all of these tasks (and probably more) for many years. Why do we have to wait to be at the end of our patience for someone else to contribute, it just highlights that they've got away with a piss poor contribution for too long.

It makes me so very sad to read all these posts of women, not making time for themselves. in the bath, just to be alone or read a book or go out with friends or just to have time to themselves. I don't understand women who don't make this happen.

Plus all these women who want to go abroad for a week, do a Shirley Valentine, what's stopping you? Save up, go with a friend. leave your husband and the secondary school kids behind - if they can't cope they should be able to .

Whatever thrill your seeking, just do it. Why are you not making this happen? Literally what is stopping you.?

I'm not quite sure. He thinks we should sell our house & live off the proceeds. And says we can always ask my parents to look after DC - they are out quite a lot anyway, my mum is an alcoholic in recovery (doing very well atm, 18 months dry) & my dad had a near-fatal accident before Christmas so I'm not keen to keep asking them.

I'm glad your DP has made such improvements! Let's hope it stays that way.

All the screens, I think that for years you been carrying the kids and him.

At this stage you need to tell your husband that it not just your job to mind the kids, house, him and work out how it all going to be paid for.

Tell him as well that it's unfair that he has expects to have £150 to go to his football ect when you can't have the same to spend as you like because if you stopped minding the money coming into the house he spend it all just like a child.

I would also tell him that it not just your job to mind the kids you have together and that going forward he can't just make plans and expect money to be available without consulting with you.

Ask him when was the last time you had a day off? When did he organise getting the children minded so you had a break? Ask him when you last had a Saturday off to meet up with your friends when he cared for his children?

I know a lady with 3 kids. Her husband just expected to have hours off to do his hobbies during the week or at the weekends. She let him have it one day because she never had down time. She was either working or with kids always.
She started to go out the odd evening and as her kids got older she go away for the odd night or two with friends. Her husband knows now that minding kids is not easy and it important for them both to get some child free time.

I agree it all sounds feasible, but just off the top of my head, lack of annual leave, ND teen who can't be left alone, travel often for work so it feels excessive to also do it for pleasure, strapped finances, lack of friends to do those things with. List goes on really.

@Crikeyalmighty

really depends very much on your partners personality

Well, it also depends on his sense of decency, whether he accepts you as a separate person with your own likes and dislikes .... or thinks of you just as an adjunct to himself, his wants and needs.

He may prefer you at home but a decent man would not stop you from doing your own thing, certainly not create an atmosphere to try and control you, would he?

Sorry you are finding out this about him. It's not just s simple matter of personality, is it?

@SaveMeFromForearms

Travel may not be your thing. But with some planning it may help some to think they can do it with a bit of planning. Eg fly to Milan for £24 and a room for £22, to book for ds1.

Whatever your 'thing', to find a bit of 'me time' is surely the objective?

I don't know. What's the use of me time? Spending a weekend wandering around a foreign city alone doesn't change anything at all.

@Allthescreens

I'm not sure I'm explaining myself clearly.

You are completely explaining yourself clearly. It's not that he "doest realise" how you are picking up all the slack that lets him act like someone without any parental responsibilities.

And he is cr*p with money.

I'm not saying LTB, but I am saying that if he took a bit more responsibility you life would be a lot better. And you may think less about leaving him at some point post-parenting years.

It comes as a surprise to so many men

Well, what do you need to change then?

Love to update this but the update is; I'm still lost!

I feel 'in love' with the idea of this other man but I know I shouldn't throw my life away for a 'maybe' or 'almost' person.

Continuously arguing with myself in my head, its exhausting.

I need to talk to my dh but no idea what I want/need to say really.

Still need to see a Dr or someone about Perimenopause too.

I’m the same, having the conversations over and over in my head day and night. It’s torture.

Don't don't dont...stop your thinking 3 in my family decided to follow a rainbow and all 3 are now single and un happy that they left perfectly lovely marriages. Look more at your relationship and why you love it and are in it from the start. Dont fall for the stars in your eyes ideas

I need to keep reading & reading this. Thank you. It is what I need to hear!

Your GP is hopelessly uninformed. During peri menopause, blood tests are useless to diagnose anything because your hormones are up and down constantly. A blood test in the morning will be very different to a blood test in the afternoon. And, during peri menopause you will still being having periods. God it sickens me how ignorant GPs are about this.

During peri menopause your estrogen and dopamine levels fluctuate hugely, but overall they're falling. It's estrogen and dopamine that give you the fuzzy, loved up, happy and positive feels. When they start to fall, those feelings start to fade away and you're left feeling very meh about everything. You can feel flat and distanced from your life and basically stop giving any fucks about anything.

@Bookist which is why lots of us during peri and menopause suddenly realise we are being treated like mugs and become far less obliging to keep everyone happy and putting ourselves second- and are then accused of being 'nasty' - it's not that we become nasty- I feel many of us become more 'assertive' once those pleasing people hormones drop

I’d say that I want to do things my way now, not in a controlling way, more of an ‘I’m earning a wage and I’m an independent person’ way. I want to run my own life my way, not do things the way other people want.

I completely agree.

Still feel your pain @LAMLC2011

I've had a hell of a week with it all, a slight near miss of a situation last week, and my mind is just constantly partly on it. On him.

It's embarrassing really, and feels very self-indulgent. I do have quite big things going on otherwise, so I wonder if he's my escape too. Our lives are quite intertwined for various reasons and I'm always worried it will unravel, and he'll be gone from my life, and I'll never be able to be truly happy again.

Booked an appointment with a female GP in the hopes she understands a bit better. Couldn't fit me in for another month though! Hopefully she can help anyway.

It's awful isn't it. It's all consuming for me.

Guess I have omitted a fairly big detail ... I had an emotional affair with this other man 12 years ago. He is 100% not interested in engaging in that again but he does reply to my messages etc.

I need to work on my marriage because although I'm bored, my dh is a really good man who I do love.

It's all fantasy only with this other guy.

Going to spend some time working through stuff. I absolutely cannot allow this madness to let me throw my life away. I have a great life, its my mind that's messed up!

I can relate to quite a bit of what people have posted. I’ve been with DP for 13 years, 2 kids, not married.
Hes a nice guy but I feel something is missing, he doesn’t really have any mates who he goes out with so he’s stuck in most of the time. He’s focussed around how quickly we can retire, how much money we can save etc… all boring stuff. He craves attention a lot of the time and is always saying I’ve missed you so much today, I cried today as I wasn’t with you. Half of it is joking but it’s annoying.

Im 40 in 3 months and thinking I have a lifetime of this!!

“I'm bored. Not just bored of him more bored with life to be honest.”

That is your issue then. You could blow up your life and that would be interesting for a little while but you would probably become bored again.

What you need to do is work out what would bring interest back to your life.

That's where I am - fairly tempted to blow up my life but also knowing I can't.