Anyone ever left a happy marriage

[LAMLC2011]

Anyone ever left a happy marriage due to a possible mid life crisis?

I think I might be peri-menopausal as I can tick off alot of the symptoms but my Dr says not (as nothing showing in blood test and I still get periods).

My DH is great in every way, an amazing father too but I'm bored. Not just bored of him more bored with life to be honest.

Just turned 40 and kind of feel like I'm having a mid life crisis. I know I definitely shouldn't uproot mine, my dh and my sons whole life because I'm bored but I keep having these feelings.

Not to drip feed there is someone else I have feelings for but I'm not having an affair in any way (physical or emotional). I'm not even sure they have feelings for me although they are a friend.

Realistically I wouldn't be leaving my husband for this person as they have no idea I'm thinking about leaving my dh and possibly wouldn't want to get involved with splitting up a family (who would!). I do dream about a life with this other person but it's literally a dream (fantasy world)- real life is very different.

I don't want to ruin my life, how do I get through this? I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. It's like I want to run away from my life (not end my life, absolutely not suicidal) and start fresh.

I'm having these thoughts daily.

Has anyone gone through this?

@NoraLuka

That's because there isn’t one. They just make you feel like there is!

@NoraLuka yes that's exactly it. I feel like this too when my H says he fancy's going for a drive and I'm mid washing or something- it's not as if I don't see him lots, virtually every night and lots in the day too

I know exactly how you felt in that situation. Sometimes it just comes out after millions of episodes of not saying/doing what you actually want to.

like many other posters on this thread I just feel like running away. I worry about DC and them thinking this kind of marriage is normal.

I have to say my dh is really a great husband. I do get tons of nights away (with friends or family) and he doesn't mind at all. He is as near perfect as you could get to be honest. So, I don't think I'm in quite the same position as some on this thread.
I'm going to have a chat with dh and see if we can have more date nights maybe, rather than sitting at home.
Definitely a mid life crisis for me I think and certainly not worth throwing it all away.
It's hard, I'm arguing with myself in my head but hopefully I can try to make improvements.

@LAMLC2011 yes that's very different- you need to try and create more fun/energy 'within' the relationship- whereas some of us need more life'outside' of it if you get what I mean

Yes totally.

We all need to work on things, for me it's clearly my marriage. For some it is actually going to be moving on from a marriage.

I honestly thought I felt fine about turning 40 but the last few months have proved otherwise!

I honestly appreciate every comment on this post though. Although sad that most of us are unhappy, maybe we can figure out a way to get through it.

To add, my dh was great. And I had lots of free time to do my own thing. But we had become increasingly different in views on things such as male privilege, misogyny, money (investing in big house or enjoying money and smaller house). Things that we would never have known anojt when we got married. We resented things about each other and I think these things might have festered had we stayed together. I feel sad for my children. But I have surprised myself at how much I am enjoying living in my own house, on my own!

And I think dh was equally unhappy in some ways but he didn’t realise it/want to acknowledge it.

The who,e point about peri menopause is that you still have periods! Also blood tests hugely unreliable. See someone else.

This thread is a bit of a killer.

OP, I think I might be you.

Work Guy is slowly killing me. DH has turned into a terrible moan and seems content to slide effortlessly from middle to old age.

I've lost weight, feel really good about myself, am expanding my career and my horizons, and I just think we're slowly (or maybe not so slowly) coming apart at the seams.

I don't even feel like I care much. Nothing can change because I have a child with issues that mean they wouldn't cope with a divorce, etc.

But, there's Work Guy. There's a lot between us. Emotional affair for sure. Nothing else, but it sometimes feels only an inch away (literally).

I'd never have seen this coming a year ago. It's like I woke up a different person one day. I've felt quite mad at times.

And again, there's Work Guy...

@SaveMeFromForearms , I hear your struggle. I'm currently emotionally in deep with my own version of work guy. My marriage is genuinely good so I'm completely blindsided by this. I won't let it dismantle my life but the emotions are huge and so hard to deal with.
I'm just wondering if you've talked to your DH about him sliding into old age effortlessly (maybe not in those words 😏)? What is going on for him I wonder? Could he be lacking in motivation for a reason, if he was inspired to act and find his vavavoom could you reconnect do you think... Sounds like a long lonely road otherwise under the circumstances.

Oh I know what's going on for him; he's exhausted! We've had a lot going on child-wise and he's borne the brunt of much of it, as he works from home and I can't. So I get an escape.

Which he resents but (mostly) says he doesn't.

Meant to add @SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox thank you.

Some of your sentences resonate so much. I've no intention of letting things go massively off the rails, especially when it comes to Work Guy.

But we are slipping into just side by side parenting rather than feeling like two people who have chosen to be together. I don't know if I'll always want this, whereas a year ago I'd have imagined nothing else.

I'm so glad I stumbled across this thread, it resonates so much with me!

I am mostly happy with my marriage & DH, it's just me I'm not happy with. I'm 45 & look back at the 22-year old that met DH & wonder where she went. 3 DC on & there is no time or money for my interests now. But I need something & to feel like me again. I need to do something that's not work, housework or childcare.

The relationship is suffering because DH's life hasn't changed in anything like the same way, if anything he has more interests now than he did then. But him doing his stuff means I can't do mine, because he uses the available money & if he's out I can't be. It came to a head (again) yesterday when he disappeared off to football for 9 hours & £50 (his team is based where he's from, 130 miles away) & I had to have another night at home, with the younger DC, following a long, rubbish & lonely Bank Holiday weekend.

I just need more than this, but I wouldn't dream of leaving DH.

There is a real thing, I think, where so many of us really put ourselves to one side in the hands-on parenting years, and we lose ourselves in a way that men very often don't.

So we lose our 30s, hit our 40s, and suddenly want back what we lost, or let slip away. And the men don't get it; they fully experienced the last decade and we mentally spent it on other peoples' needs.

That's what I see for so many of my friends; for me, I think it means I've changed quite dramatically in the last year, and I don't think DH really likes who I am now tbh.

Yes, you have described very clearly how I am feeling.

DH thinks there is something wrong with me, I am 'broken' & he can't fix me. He thinks I need help. I just think I need to be able to be me 😔

Yes @Allthescreens

It's galling really, to feel like you're finding yourself, only for that to be a problem. How can you marry someone and expect them never to change over the next, what, 50 years?!

I suppose the issue is whether the change means you're still compatible.

I've no urge to face my 50s single, or to upend my kids' lives. But I would like to feel like my husband likes me, is making an effort to be interested in things that newly interest me, for example.

I don't even know what interests me any more. That's how lost I am 😥

DH is very keen for me to try something new, but I don't know what. I'm also not sure how I would pay for it or get the time, as he is not willing to give up any of his luxuries/hobbies so I can have money to spend or so that he can look after the DC. Which then leads to me feeling resentful & being snappy.

Also - fuck off with hobbies 😆

I'm not sure a pottery class or Parkrun is really what my life is missing.

Surely mum’s should be having equal time and money for hobbies, that’s the fair way. This needs to be put in place BEFORE you have kids.

It should be the pattern yes, but I think we often aren't aware of how much the balance shifts during the young child years.

It would actually mean the world to me to be able to do something that interests me & I enjoy. That's not kids/home/work.

Money is joint in theory. But DH is not good with it. If it's there, he'll spend it, regardless of whether we have bills coming up or, like this month, a new car to buy etc. So that means I can't spend on me, or we would fall apart financially.

Ditto time. He doesn't realise how easy it is for him just to casually mention he'll be staying in the city after work or that he's popping up (for 9 hours) to see a football match. But if I go out, I have to get the DC sorted (dinner/homework/activities/bed) & maybe sort childcare or wait for him to come home. Purely because my work pattern means that I'm home most of the time when the DC are. If that makes sense? I'm not sure I'm explaining myself clearly.

I'm sorry but I don't think you do have a 'happy marriage'.

Your DH certainly does, as he comes and goes as he pleases, has no financial responsibilities, and isn't much of a present parent either.

No wonder you're feeling the way you do.

Although now that I think about it; DH goes out almost every weekend at some point for a few drinks. He even went out on Mother's Day without asking.

I've been out twice this year and both times he has made numerous digs about it.

Hmm.

Is your marriage actually happy though?
I've never sought the thrills you do. My Dh is lovely, a diamond.
I have good female friends and message most days, meet up regularly for curry and wine, go on long weekends to European city every year. This fulfills me greatly. Having lunch and wine at the top of Dubrovnik then ziplining is thrill enough, for me.

Go skiing. Book a parachute jump.
Is your Dh a good chap? Then work on it. Or leave. But be careful - the grass may not be greener.