Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone ever left a happy marriage

314 replies

LAMLC2011 · 27/04/2023 16:44

Anyone ever left a happy marriage due to a possible mid life crisis?

I think I might be peri-menopausal as I can tick off alot of the symptoms but my Dr says not (as nothing showing in blood test and I still get periods).

My DH is great in every way, an amazing father too but I'm bored. Not just bored of him more bored with life to be honest.

Just turned 40 and kind of feel like I'm having a mid life crisis. I know I definitely shouldn't uproot mine, my dh and my sons whole life because I'm bored but I keep having these feelings.

Not to drip feed there is someone else I have feelings for but I'm not having an affair in any way (physical or emotional). I'm not even sure they have feelings for me although they are a friend.

Realistically I wouldn't be leaving my husband for this person as they have no idea I'm thinking about leaving my dh and possibly wouldn't want to get involved with splitting up a family (who would!). I do dream about a life with this other person but it's literally a dream (fantasy world)- real life is very different.

I don't want to ruin my life, how do I get through this? I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. It's like I want to run away from my life (not end my life, absolutely not suicidal) and start fresh.

I'm having these thoughts daily.

Has anyone gone through this?

OP posts:
Original poster
LAMLC2011 · 29/04/2023 19:29

Continueasweareormakeachange · 29/04/2023 18:27

I could have written your post OP. No advice but thank you for writing it as I feel less alone now.

It's not a good place to be in but helps to know there's others out there.

OP posts:
Disneyblueeyes · 29/04/2023 19:31

teezletangler · 29/04/2023 17:42

I didn't feel exactly like this before my head was turned but I did feel like running away. I think I'm struggling with being a mum to be honest, my sons only 5 and I struggle more than most I think. I don't enjoy parenting, I love my child but often feel irritated/bored/stressed by it all.

I feel like this OP. Mine are 5 and 7, and I sometimes have fantasies about leaving. I'm not very good at parenting this age group (yes, massively irritating) and I often feel "is this it?". I would never leave them, and I don't want to leave DH (though have thought about it in the past!) However a friend of mine is recently separated and in some ways I am a little envious. She admitted that the time to herself and having her kids only 50% of the time is actually wonderful...

I'm so glad you wrote that. Sometimes I honestly quite like the idea of only having my daughter 50% of the week. I feel awful for it, but I'd feel like I had my life back for half the week.

Original poster
LAMLC2011 · 29/04/2023 19:38

Disneyblueeyes · 29/04/2023 19:31

I'm so glad you wrote that. Sometimes I honestly quite like the idea of only having my daughter 50% of the week. I feel awful for it, but I'd feel like I had my life back for half the week.

Show quote history

SAME. 😔

OP posts:
Nightynightnight · 29/04/2023 19:45

Darhon · 27/04/2023 18:28

I think we know on a biological level when having kids is done, and not just perimenopausally. Like a lot of women I stopped being heterosexual in my early 40s. So I do think a number of things come together.

I didn't know this was a thing?

RelaxingClassics · 29/04/2023 20:08

I get this too. I am married, mid-forties, two older kids, a decent job, a nice house. But I spend a lot of time fantasising about waking up one morning and being 16 again (but with my brain) and doing it all differently. My parallel, sliding-doors life. I had a surgical menopause and I'm on the highest dosage of hrt my doc is willing to give. But I still feel disappointed in myself. My children are amazing and meant to be in this world and very, very loved. But I sometimes feel underwhelmed with who I turned out to be.

Meltinthemiddle · 30/04/2023 13:28

I'm guessing 40 is a milestone age where we are.on the other side of life. I've definitely not felt myself since hitting 40.

Haggisfish3 · 30/04/2023 13:33

I have. I’m loving having dc every other week and having a whole week and whole house to myself for a week. Ex dh is the same. We both have new partners and are comparenting very well.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/04/2023 13:55

@Haggisfish3 bet you aren't rushing into living together- or I may be wrong!! Lol

I think your set up would suit many if I'm honest. I don't think 24/7 relationships suit everyone at all and many do it for financial reasons and social pressure

LiftyLift · 30/04/2023 13:57

Haggisfish3 · 30/04/2023 13:33

I have. I’m loving having dc every other week and having a whole week and whole house to myself for a week. Ex dh is the same. We both have new partners and are comparenting very well.

Good you are much happier. How have you managed house wise? Do you now have two homes and the kids split time between?

Haggisfish3 · 30/04/2023 15:02

Yes. We are selling the family home -I’m renting. So that has worked well too-there has been a gradual change for dc.

MsDeb · 30/04/2023 15:24

I did this, before I was 40. A culmination of factors, but boredom and feeling sick that this "might be it". The thought of being that bored for the rest of my life, I had to go.
I lost friends, they couldn't understand it, which was ridiculous because all they knew about my relationship was from the outside. No abuse, so as far as they were concerned I had everything. That was 15 years ago and the best thing I've ever done. Hideously hard though, and you find out who your friends are.

kittyfayne · 30/04/2023 23:26

This thread resonates so much.

I'm struggling at the moment tbh. Been with H since we were I our late teens and I love him very much. I'm just not sure if we have much, if anything in common any more. Are we still together because it's better the devil you know and we have so much shared history? Is that really enough?

I think when you hit the 40s, kids get older and more independent that you start to re-evaluate.

H knows I'm not happy. Or am dissatisfied. But doesn't really get it as he's content. And doesn't get why I'm not.

Someone said it's the 'Is that it?
Is this my life for the next 40 years?' And honestly, I don't know...

Original poster
LAMLC2011 · 01/05/2023 07:04

kittyfayne · 30/04/2023 23:26

This thread resonates so much.

I'm struggling at the moment tbh. Been with H since we were I our late teens and I love him very much. I'm just not sure if we have much, if anything in common any more. Are we still together because it's better the devil you know and we have so much shared history? Is that really enough?

I think when you hit the 40s, kids get older and more independent that you start to re-evaluate.

H knows I'm not happy. Or am dissatisfied. But doesn't really get it as he's content. And doesn't get why I'm not.

Someone said it's the 'Is that it?
Is this my life for the next 40 years?' And honestly, I don't know...

Yes this is exactly it.

I think I stay as I don't want to upset everyone (as well as DH and DS, my mum & dad would be devastated). My dh is a really really lovely guy but the 'is this it'? keeps going round in my head. I need to have a chat with him I think.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/05/2023 07:20

User135644 · 27/04/2023 19:21

I don't know why a lot of people bother getting married.

Because no one gets married thinking I n15 years I might feel a bit bored and wonder if there's more to life.

Allwelcone · 01/05/2023 09:14

Resonating with me too! I get so irritated woth dh - meno related but also he is such a blundering eejit sometimes I just am thinking "really? When did you get so boring? "
The child years were a massive roller coaster and I feel now they're over I have no oomph left for our relationship.

DrivingMissCr · 01/05/2023 09:27

@Allwelcone

That’s the other thing isn’t it. The man you once thought was Mr cool and exciting has morphed into Victor Meldrew and his idea of a stimulating conversation at night is whether he will have enough money in retirement. So dull.

doitwithlove · 01/05/2023 09:59

You need to ask yourself the question ... if you left and things developed with your friend - how would he feel having a 5yr old in the picture?

NoraLuka · 01/05/2023 10:05

I’ve spent the weekend trying to distract myself and squash down all these feelings of wanting to run away but I can’t do it.

I’m trying to remember how I felt about DP at the beginning and I just can’t. I think living together has killed off any kind of feelings and now I just have the guy who comes in from the pub and says ‘what have we got for tea tonight?’ I don’t know how to write it in English but the way he says it implies he was somehow involved in getting tea ready when he absolutely wasn’t! He has stopped this for the past few weeks since I told him I wanted to leave but it’s not enough to make me love him again.

@DrivingMissCr yes to Mr Cool morphing into Victor Meldrew! I wonder if this is just what happens when you live with someone? There was never a dull moment with ExH but it was in a negative way, wouldn’t want that either!

WhippitGood · 01/05/2023 10:57

I feel the same. It’s like trying to keep down a big ball of darkness in your stomach and throat all the time. Trying to fight back tears and be normal is slowly eating me away. But how do you leave a good person?

DustyLee123 · 01/05/2023 10:58

WhippitGood · 01/05/2023 10:57

I feel the same. It’s like trying to keep down a big ball of darkness in your stomach and throat all the time. Trying to fight back tears and be normal is slowly eating me away. But how do you leave a good person?

There appears to be a lot of us in the same position.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/05/2023 11:10

I think many of these marriages would survive 'if ' you could do more off your own back , go away with friends, join a few things a few nights a week, but in my experience many men get incredibly defensive if you actually said this - it's as if you are saying 'I don't like you' and whilst they may not stop you they create an atmosphere- the ones who haven't got outlets to do this themselves get quite needy about you being 'everything' including constant company, a repository for their moaning etc. I realise not all older guys are like this but in my experience a great many are. My H has been away working overseas for 10 days, back today and with no kids at home I've had the place to myself and I realise that my head is full constantly of moans and hassles and feeling obliged to do certain things. I've had long covid too and some of my symptoms have massively decreased with space in my head and solitude.

WhippitGood · 01/05/2023 11:30

Crikeyalmighty · 01/05/2023 11:10

I think many of these marriages would survive 'if ' you could do more off your own back , go away with friends, join a few things a few nights a week, but in my experience many men get incredibly defensive if you actually said this - it's as if you are saying 'I don't like you' and whilst they may not stop you they create an atmosphere- the ones who haven't got outlets to do this themselves get quite needy about you being 'everything' including constant company, a repository for their moaning etc. I realise not all older guys are like this but in my experience a great many are. My H has been away working overseas for 10 days, back today and with no kids at home I've had the place to myself and I realise that my head is full constantly of moans and hassles and feeling obliged to do certain things. I've had long covid too and some of my symptoms have massively decreased with space in my head and solitude.

Yes. I do organise things with friends but then get the sadness from him because I don’t organise things to do with him. I don’t know why he can’t organise anything though?
The thing is it’s boring, 0 conversation.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/05/2023 14:12

@WhippitGood I totally get you.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/05/2023 14:17

@WhippitGood Once on holiday in Majorca my H said in a bitchy way- I think you would prefer to be here with your friends having fun- I'm a very mild mannered person but for the first time ever ( was menopausal at time) I actually said 'yep you are probably accurate'. Felt good saying it too!! I would also say to those with young kids, if you think you are going to get loads of time to do only what you want and lots more fun when your kids leave home- dont necessarily bank on it- really depends very much on your partners personality

NoraLuka · 01/05/2023 14:29

Crikeyalmighty · 01/05/2023 11:10

I think many of these marriages would survive 'if ' you could do more off your own back , go away with friends, join a few things a few nights a week, but in my experience many men get incredibly defensive if you actually said this - it's as if you are saying 'I don't like you' and whilst they may not stop you they create an atmosphere- the ones who haven't got outlets to do this themselves get quite needy about you being 'everything' including constant company, a repository for their moaning etc. I realise not all older guys are like this but in my experience a great many are. My H has been away working overseas for 10 days, back today and with no kids at home I've had the place to myself and I realise that my head is full constantly of moans and hassles and feeling obliged to do certain things. I've had long covid too and some of my symptoms have massively decreased with space in my head and solitude.

Yes I think being happy to do things separately is really important.

This afternoon is kind of typical for us - DP’s friend wanted to go to a classic cars thing, DP is interested, I’m not really. He’s gone with his mate, I’m at home feeling guilty because he’s upset I didn’t want to go with them. We’ve been out together Friday, Saturday and yesterday nights so I don’t see a problem with doing something separate today!

Swipe left for the next trending thread