Anyone ever left a happy marriage

[LAMLC2011]

Anyone ever left a happy marriage due to a possible mid life crisis?

I think I might be peri-menopausal as I can tick off alot of the symptoms but my Dr says not (as nothing showing in blood test and I still get periods).

My DH is great in every way, an amazing father too but I'm bored. Not just bored of him more bored with life to be honest.

Just turned 40 and kind of feel like I'm having a mid life crisis. I know I definitely shouldn't uproot mine, my dh and my sons whole life because I'm bored but I keep having these feelings.

Not to drip feed there is someone else I have feelings for but I'm not having an affair in any way (physical or emotional). I'm not even sure they have feelings for me although they are a friend.

Realistically I wouldn't be leaving my husband for this person as they have no idea I'm thinking about leaving my dh and possibly wouldn't want to get involved with splitting up a family (who would!). I do dream about a life with this other person but it's literally a dream (fantasy world)- real life is very different.

I don't want to ruin my life, how do I get through this? I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. It's like I want to run away from my life (not end my life, absolutely not suicidal) and start fresh.

I'm having these thoughts daily.

Has anyone gone through this?

This is so common. So so common. Although I don't advocate staying in an unhappy relationship sometimes you have to ride it out until you are through this period in your life. Find out what you do want. Maybe get some therapy for yourself not couples therapy. What do you want? What are your priorities? What makes YOU tick?
Please forget about the other person- that's a distraction and red herring, you can't find out what you want when there's someone you don't even know on the scene and making decisions with them in mind can be disastrous so cut them off and work on you until you are 100% what you want from life

Ok I've sent him a long message basically saying we can't talk anymore, that he is using me when he wants attention and I need to work on my marriage.

Seriously thank you all as you've actually pushed me to do this so I appreciate it. There are 1 or 2 times a year I'll see him in person but I'll be with my husband, we aren't ever alone which is good!

Going to make an effort to understand what has gone wrong either with myself or my marriage for this to happen.

Amazing! I think ripping off the plaster is the only way when you're feelings aren't behaving themselves against your own wishes!
Well done.

ahh well done LAM you, we, can do this.

I've been in your shoes age gap increased ED when I was fizzing with desire. I cried a lot privately. Once menopause kicked in at 55 those hormones settled down. We're just house mates now. But his memory is going so I'm his PA as well as housekeeper. I get the rage occasionally and snappy. But so do my friends. I even snap at their husbands whenever they're being boors

Well done OP. I am all for people not getting stuck In relationships they aren't happy in, but if you're saying those things and he's just lapping it up he sounds like a bit of a dick.

I could have written this. I’m in this situation right now. Feel like I’m cracking up. Totally consumed by thoughts of my boss. He is outrageously flirty too. Completely inappropriate. I’m married to a great man and have a brood of kids.

nothing physical has happened with my boss and I will be heartbroken if I ever began an affair.

im nearly 50 and in perimenopause. I’m taking hrt and I’m praying every day that I cop the fuck on asap !!!!

I've decided he definitely is a dick! I'm really pissed off with him. He's not read my fb msg. He's pretty much ignoring me - which is obviously what I want/need however I wanted him to read the thing I wrote out, I spent time putting my feelings down and he's ignoring me. Dick.

Oh well,least I'm done. My dh is a great man and I need to concentrate on falling back in love with my marriage.

I think for a lot of women there is a natural point as well in life where they have just come out of the drudgery of raising small children, and that incredibly tough period where you are literally holding everything together - a job, small children, domestic tasks just to keep the house clean, cooking fucking dinner every night, etc etc etc. Sex with the DH can often feel like another thing on the “to do” list. It’s a grind, it’s bloody boring & stressful & where is the time for you in any of that? There ain’t none.

So kids off to school, for the first time in literally a decade or more you find you are sat with you & your thoughts. And for me I’ve experienced feelings of “oh God, where have those young years of my life gone? Spent doing what? Serving everyone else.”

I see photos of my siblings (without kids) doing interesting things, going to gigs, living life and loving it, and I can’t help but compare it with mine, Crawling around on the floor half-naked, picking up cornflakes that have become stuck on the carpet, rushing off to the office without finishing a cup of tea because my three yr old lost his shit & refused to let me put his shoes on. Wiping bums, dragging screaming kids round the fucking supermarket just so you can get a few things to cook bloody dinner with, endless round of washing, late night trips to A & E when they’ve done something stupid like stick their fingers in a pair of toy binoculars & got them stuck. (Happened to us last week.)

Is it any surprise that at the point at which you have a few regular moments to yourself you start feeling brave, inspired to do something(anything) to get that sense of self-identity back. It’s almost like a re-birth, a new found sense of adventure. I get it. I really do

@HaroldTheStallion @LAMLC2011 @EatAllDay @VinoVeritas1 all ringing true for me! 💐That last post @VinoVeritas1 is definitely at the heart of the issue for me, so thank you for putting my thoughts into words so well. It really helps to deal with them when you can define them.
I'm doing really well this week have successfully pushed 'work guy' out of my mind most of the time (this thread helps with that actually!) and the freedom! My attention is available for other things and it's great. I want to lose this hold it has on me, and all I want is DH.

how are things going OP?
I'm still struggling with my feelings for another man although definitely not acted on anything and most likely never will. But thoughts of this man is consuming my every waking moment and its so bloody exciting. I feel like a silly teenager again every time I see him.
I'm just so bored with my life that this is a bit of excitement. I know my dp is a much better man than my crush but I still can't shake off these feelings. I'm 45 ffs not in my 20s.

Men always try to make out that their wives leave for no reason though, even when they have plenty of reasons and have spelled out the reasons to them.

I've experienced this myself, my friends have experienced it. I have friends at the moment trying to plan the separation and the husbands are in denial about it. I've seen 100s of posts on here from women who have been telling their husbands they're unhappy for a long time or that they will leave, and the husband is still (apparently) blindsided when she does.

Obviously this thread is proof that it can happen, but I'd say out of the 5 there would be 1 max who left for "no apparent reason".

I am still crushing on other guy but not messaging him/viewing his Instagram stories - yes I still follow him on there...can't bring myself to stop. He does view my Instagram stories which if he's read my last fb msg to him is odd to be honest.

So not completely no contact but I don't talk to him or see him (he may be at something I'm attending in August but it would be easier if he wasn't to be honest). I'm not thinking of him 24/7 but he's certainly on my radar. Hopefully time will help with that.

7 weeks since I messaged 'him' and I feel like I'm getting worse. Last time when I went 5 weeks I'd almost stopped thinking of him (then he messaged me!!) but now I'm still thinking of him a lot 😞
It feels longer than 7 weeks and I'm itching to message him, I won't do it, I know I'm only a bit bored and even if I messaged him I'd get nothing from it (if anything it would make me feel awful).
Just using this a a diary of sorts 😊

I'm in a similar situation! Everytime I think I'm loosening the grip it comes back with a vengeance. 😶

It's awful isn't it 😕

Truly is. I'd love an off switch!

Yes!! An off switch! Please.

What will truly help yourself would be to remove him from social media. How often do you find you are putting up a story with the thought that he may watch it? Then getting that little hit of dopamine when you find he has?

It is really hard because it is so final but you really do again nothing and only lose from having him on social media.

@LAMLC2011

How are you finding things with your DH? Any progress or is it all much the same?

I know I need to do this. I'm just not ready yet.

Things are OK, we're 'happy' but I'm bored. I doubt he has a clue anything is wrong to be honest, we're just sort of bumbling along. He's a good man, he deserves better to be honest.

@Mismatc "How often do you find you are putting up a story with the thought that he may watch it? Then getting that little hit of dopamine when you find he has?"

Yes, you've hit the nail on the head there. I'm not viewing any of his stories but he views every single one of mine & I get excitement from that.

@LAMLC2011 i really think this is unhelpful self destructive behaviour on your part and I feel for you as I’ve been there many years ago. I couldn’t work on my relationship properly whilst all the titillation and little interactions were going on with the crush. I couldn’t give myself fully to saving my relationship. If I could have a do over I would do things so differently now.

I would have gone no contact. That includes blocking/restricting them.

I look at my children now and wonder what life would have been like as a family if I hadn’t pushed the self destruct button all for the sake of a crush. It didn’t matter to my partner in the end that I hadn’t done anything physical it was the fact that I didn't stop it and engineered it, allowed continued contact to serve my needs.

your family deserve you to be all in and committed. Your partner certainly does. Otherwise leave and end your relationship so you can both find someone more suitable and deserving.

Shoe on the other foot - what would you want your partner to do in this situation?

This is not that far from messaging him, you are communicating and he is occupying space in your mind. I’m afraid you are fooling yourself if you consider this no contact.