Anyone ever left a happy marriage

[LAMLC2011]

Anyone ever left a happy marriage due to a possible mid life crisis?

I think I might be peri-menopausal as I can tick off alot of the symptoms but my Dr says not (as nothing showing in blood test and I still get periods).

My DH is great in every way, an amazing father too but I'm bored. Not just bored of him more bored with life to be honest.

Just turned 40 and kind of feel like I'm having a mid life crisis. I know I definitely shouldn't uproot mine, my dh and my sons whole life because I'm bored but I keep having these feelings.

Not to drip feed there is someone else I have feelings for but I'm not having an affair in any way (physical or emotional). I'm not even sure they have feelings for me although they are a friend.

Realistically I wouldn't be leaving my husband for this person as they have no idea I'm thinking about leaving my dh and possibly wouldn't want to get involved with splitting up a family (who would!). I do dream about a life with this other person but it's literally a dream (fantasy world)- real life is very different.

I don't want to ruin my life, how do I get through this? I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. It's like I want to run away from my life (not end my life, absolutely not suicidal) and start fresh.

I'm having these thoughts daily.

Has anyone gone through this?

I think it’s the realisation that the best years of your life are over and it is all downhill really as @Meltinthemiddle alluded to. I think men feel like this too. As someone who is older, I have been through this and to be honest life doesn’t get much better. Children become harder work in their teens, parents become old and frail and work can become more demanding, not less. You spend your life running abound after other people.

It’s just starting to get easier for me now as my mother died last year and my youngest has now left home. I am starting to enjoy my life again as it’s more about me. however that’s not to say it’s as good as it was when I was a teen/early 20’s, having the time of my life. I just have learnt to have realistic expectations now rather than chase the dream.

A 20 year relationship will often be a bit stale too as being with the same person day in day out is dull for many people. It is for me but to be honest after menopause I can’t really be arsed with sex much anyway and have the Freedom to do my own thing when I want so choose to rub along. Not very exciting but steady and secure.

Did you feel like this before your head was turned ?

@DrivingMissCr oh no please don’t say it’s all downhill from here! It can’t be!

I think everyone who said long relationships get stale are right (although I’ve never been in anything like a 20 year relationship!) I don’t know what you’re supposed to do about that though. DP wants to do date nights and holidays etc. but I can’t stand the thought of it.

The thing is some people would be happier splitting up and some wouldn’t, it’s just difficult to tell which side you’re on if your partner is nice enough.

My litmus test as to whether my marriage is "good enough" is that bickering couple on gogglebox, Giles and Mary. I know a lot of people find them funny but to my mind she seems to hold him in such contempt and find him very annoying. I always think if my marriage was like that or worse I would leave (of course, I don't know what goes on behind the scenes, I just mean the way she comes across to me on camera).

@NoraLuka

I'm sure for some it gets better but I can’t say it has for me. Running around after poorly parents was a draining experience and my job is more demanding than ever. I feel tired all the time now at almost 58! As soon as I can afford to retire, I will.

However, I still get some joy out of life. I now have a dog which brings me a lot of happiness and perhaps a grandchild or two might come along too, something I would love to be involved in.

in the meantime it’s hobbies when I have the energy and holidays that keep me going including my annual week away with friends that I love!

I didn't feel exactly like this before my head was turned but I did feel like running away. I think I'm struggling with being a mum to be honest, my sons only 5 and I struggle more than most I think. I don't enjoy parenting, I love my child but often feel irritated/bored/stressed by it all. I don't feel myself anymore, although I've recently lost weight and that has helped me to feel a more like myself. With the weight loss though I've started to feel sexy for the first time in a few years.

@LAMLC2011

It is easy to get lost in the drudgery of it all.

Parenting isn’t for everyone so nothing to feel bad about there. I think society expects us all to be super mums and it’s just not like that in reality. I didn’t enjoy my kids at all when they were teens. Hated it. It’s better now they are older and more mature.

I think what you are describing is classic mid life crisis territory. You want people to notice you. Has this man given you the vibe that he may be interested in you as that can be very intoxicating after many years with the same partner. I have had these connections with two men I worked with over time. I knew and they knew but we couldn’t let it go anywhere because of circumstances.

I go traveling by myself or with a friend when I feeling like this. Have done it as long as I've been married. We still travel together but sometimes the itchy feet get overwhelming. DH never minds. He knows I just need a change of scenery

I think it's that 'some' people want that 'new' feeling and buzz and are susceptible to it

Yes, I think you’re right. I know people who move from job to job like this too.

I felt like this and I’m sure it’s peri, so be very careful of doing something that you might regret.
I chose to stay as I’ve got financial security, company, he would care for me if I needed it, my lovely home, and I’ll see more of the kids.
My DH isn’t a bad man, I just think the age gap is showing.

I know the feeling @LAMLC2011 - I nearly hit self-destruct mode last year. I’m 48 and had to battle with gps to get hrt patches. Still have regular periods - that means nothing to peri-menopause.

I’ve started attending new hobby groups, getting new interests, shaking up relationship with partner - we go off for days/date/exploring. Trying to bring more fun/joy moments back to my life rather than daily monotony and drudgery.

I assessed the areas of my life for what was missing and I’m giving it my all.

With regards to whether this man is interested/showed me attention, he has been a friend to me but I do know if I was single he would be interested. We definitely have a connection but luckily he's a decent human being and seemingly not interested in breaking up a family.
I'm lucky really that he's the one I've had my head turned by, I'm sure some men wouldn't have been so aware/conscious of breaking up a marriage (he is single so nothing to lose for him).

@LAMLC2011

Makes him all the more attractive though doesn’t it.

I think you will have to try to blank him out and see if you can bring more fun to your life either with or without your DH.

@DrivingMissCr I know you're right.

I feel this exactly! Just dreaming about my own cottage by the sea with a dog and a non stressful job. A lot of it is a result of currently having a very stressful job I suspect. And my kids are 8 and 4 so obviously not happening anytime soon! Life is hard, working all the time and being horribly stressed while taking kids, never time or money to do anything fun or look forward to anything.

It’s nice (well not exactly nice but YKWIM) to see that other people feel like this.

Self-destruct mode is exactly how it feels, like I’m just holding back from throwing everything away for nothing - I have a crush on a friend too but have no idea if he feels the same. Sometimes I think so but only ever when he’s had a few to drink! He wouldn’t act on it anyway and neither would I.

Sometimes DP yells at me or something and I just think is this really it?

there is someone else I have feelings for

I'm afraid I guessed this would be the case as soon as I read that you are 'bored' in what is essentially a 'good' relationship.

I recommend honesty: is it really a good relationship. What would you change if you could.

Far, far better to reignite a decent but stale relationship. Only you know whether it is essentially a decent relationship with a decent person ... or not.

If ever there was a time to invest in some reputable therapy, it's when trembling on this precipice.

Full disclosure: I have been tempted to have an emotional affair which might have lead to more. I was very, very lucky that the object of desire really was decent, delighted to be friends and shut down anything more.

After a few months of madness, I am now very, very grateful.

Good luck.

@DrivingMissCr are you me!!! I hated teenage years too. Prefer them at 20 and earning!!

I also can't be fussed about sex at 61- good luck to those still very bothered but in all honesty I think I'm 'sexed out' (I started at 15)

All I can say OP is I would have a shit first at livening your life up- if it means a few weekends away with a friend or a few nights out or a new hobby then do it- I would come right out with it and say you are feeling that life's got a bit humdrum -- see how it goes, it's worth a shot . In my first marriage I didn't take my own advice, ended up having an affair in my late 20's - created a great deal of upset and I had never really told him how I felt , which was bored and taken totally for granted and 'doing it all'

I absolutely agree with this.
I am unhappy and often lonely in my marriage. But it’s easier to stay.

For those people wrestling with unwelcome/uninvited feelings for another person outside of their marriage do have a look at www.livingwithlimerence.com
It's invaluable for understanding and helpful advice.

If you can afford it, a talking therapist would be great for you OP

I didn't feel exactly like this before my head was turned but I did feel like running away. I think I'm struggling with being a mum to be honest, my sons only 5 and I struggle more than most I think. I don't enjoy parenting, I love my child but often feel irritated/bored/stressed by it all.

I feel like this OP. Mine are 5 and 7, and I sometimes have fantasies about leaving. I'm not very good at parenting this age group (yes, massively irritating) and I often feel "is this it?". I would never leave them, and I don't want to leave DH (though have thought about it in the past!) However a friend of mine is recently separated and in some ways I am a little envious. She admitted that the time to herself and having her kids only 50% of the time is actually wonderful...

This is really helpful and illuminating,, although in a sad kind of a way. Over the past 10-12 years five of my male friends have had their wives leave the marriage for no apparent reason. All were in their forties, had children who were in their mid-late teens and had husbands who loved them and who in every respect that I could see were good husbands - caring, considerate, played their share in child-rearing, domestic chores, working hard at work to support it at all, etc. Basically just good and decent men.

Accepting that you never know exactly what goes on in a relationship but to all outward appearances their marriages appeared rock solid and in most cases they had been together for 20+ years. Yet one day their wives told them it was over and left. No room for negotiation or any explanation offered. That was it. These men were devastated and were left wondering what it was they had done wrong.

Sometimes there was someone else involved but mainly there wasn’t. It just seemed to be that their wives needed to be free of their marriages. Which seemed to all outward appearance hugely selfish. But clearly there was a lot of inner turmoil going on. At the same time massively difficult for blameless husbands and children who were left wondering what the heck was going on.

I have a very similar fantasy. I have a v stressful life due to ex with Bipolar and 2 lovely dcs with disabilities. And now counting every penny. Simplifying sounds amazing...

Sounds very much like you've just had your head turned tbh. Nothing like the thrill of a new man to highlight the relative monotony of a day to say marriage

I think if you were honest with yourself, you'd realise that you just fancy some other bloke and your husband is - in your eyes - now lacking a bit

I could have written your post OP. No advice but thank you for writing it as I feel less alone now.