Being Single/Alone

[Livelifelaughter]

The Times just published an article about "Being Alone". In the comments section many people wrote about how they enjoyed a morning walk, coffee even holidays alone. The writer explained her love for doing things alone (although was in a relationship at the time she wrote the article).
There's a real difference to doing things alone and having a partner/husband even children to come back to...one of my friends talks about her holidays alone not mentioning her 25 year old daughter is with her. In fact I find it really exciting being alone and notching up the things I would tell my boyfriend.
But there's a massive difference in having exciting experiences alone, going to a fancy restaurant alone while other tables are full of chattering couples and I would rather have a partner with me.
I am not talking about it's better to be alone than in a rubbish relationship, that's obvious...but do people really want to be alone ?

Yeah. I like alone time.

It’s nice enough being with someone you love, but I think I’m just a natural loner.

I can't do things like going for a walk etc alone
It makes me feel a million times worse that I'm single and I don't want to be

It depends what you define how you define being single. Maybe you don't want to risk your housing and assets by merging finances with someone, but are happy to date long term, and having emotional and sexual exclusivity? Having a romantic partner can end up being a huge financial burden in the long run if it doesn't work out (and there's no way knowing that it will, you can only retrospectively confirm that it has worked out). The issue is that many people "escalate" the relationship by cohabitating/getting married as not living together (at some point) doesn't get the same societal approval as cohabitating together. Life is very expensive as a single person too, so in a way you are forced to partner up to obtain certain things such as children and potentially better housing.

Thank you...for the purpose of this discussion I am referring to someone who is not in a relationship and does not live in a family unit. If I was in a committed relationship living alone that would not in my mind be single...

I wouldn't go to a restaurant alone, at least not in the evening.
I don't know why it feels different in the evening than the daytime to me but it does.

Personally one of the best things about going or doing something on your own is that you don't have to worry if the other person is enjoying themselves as it's only yourself you have to please. Although it is nice if you go somewhere or do something you both enjoy with another person.

I'm alone and find the hardest part is actually organising myself to go places alone - when I'm there I love it but the planning is what gets me. Last October I went to Wales for the night and climbed Snowdon early morning. I loved it. I bought a small folding camper and used it last year with two of my adult children - loved it but haven't been able to bring myself to go away for a night or two on my own yet. In my head I would love to just decide on a Friday to go but need a couple of warm sunny/dry days to get the thing out and air it and sort out whats in there first!

Yes I really want to be alone. I have no desire whatsoever to live with a partner again. I like my own space too much and pleasing myself.

Doing things alone because you choose to do them is very different from doing things alone because you don’t have anyone to do them with but would like someone. That goes for people who do not wish to be in a relationship or people who are in a happy relationship but enjoy some time alone. Humans are naturally sociable creatures so most people probably don’t choose to be alone long term. You will get a biased sample here though as Mumsnet is an anonymous forum so attracts those who are less inclined to be sociable in the real world.

Just a disclaimer this is not about people who have had abuse at any stage or mental health conditions.

Isn't it just personality types not circumstances?

Yes there are those, whatever the circumstances, "oh woe is me, it's not fair, I've been unlucky" or are never satisfied, I want a bigger/better, house, car, job, holiday, wardrobe......

And there are the more happy-go-lucky types who are "this is me right now let's get on with it, I am not going to let being alone stop me doing, holidays, walks, eating out" and accept changes will come but not without some effort.

That's a really interesting perspective. I was single with the odd short relationship for 15 years. Honestly I was living the best life, great friends, fab holidays, always buying pretty clothes.
Then I met my ex and things felt simpler and calmer, not worrying about what to do on a Saturday or bank holiday, just deciding on the day to have lunch. But most of all the feeling of being loved and secure. I wouldn't want to be alone for such a long time anymore.

Do you feel it's difficult to readjust to being single again after your last relationship?

Yes... it's exhausting. I always keep up with my friendships when in a relationship but I honestly miss the intimacy and connection the most. Sometimes I feel as though I am filling time at weekends....

I love being single, and wouldnt live within a relationship for a million pounds

@Livelifelaughter yes having a good/great relationship let's you know they exist and if you found the one you have disappears for any reason you might be more inclined to seek another one out.

But in the in-between bit would you mope "it's not fair why couldn't they still be here". Or would you "well this is it right now I am going to book a solo holiday and see what happens"

That's the difference.

People sit at home, moaning, think online will magic up someone who is their perfect person and don't want to put any effort at all in. Rather than going out doing stuff.

If you met two single people, one had been at home sad, blaming the world for their problems, wanted their ideal to fall in their lap and one had been going out, accepting where they were right now but open to new experiences and change. Everything else equal, attraction, finances etc. Which one would you prefer to date?

So just to put this in context....I have two long weekends with friends in May, am having a party for the coronation, do a sport twice a week, sing in a choir that has over 20 concerts a year, have a further 2 holidays booked this year....so taking that all into account it's not a question of preferring to be in a relationship because I have no friends, hobbies or interests....it's because I would rather do those things knowing that I have someone who is there for me .

Not having a partner does not mean you do everything alone. I am single and have a great group of friends, I walk my dog with a friend, I go to restaurants with friends, I go hiking with friends or people from one of my Facebook/MeetUp groups. I have intimacy with a couple of friends with benefits. And sometimes I go out alone because I feel like to.

I am loving being single to the point that I am not even looking or dating anymore... if someone turns up, he will have to be amazing before I even consider changing my current life.

Being alone is very different from being lonely.

I’m early/mid 40s and have been resolutely single since my mid-20s. I’ve never lived with a partner, and have lived alone since I was 21. There is zero chance I will ever get involved in a committed relationship and minus chance of me living with someone. I’m very happy on my own, I value solitude and stillness, and I enjoy my own company. I holiday alone, (nationally and internationally) I go to restaurants alone, go to concerts, plays, matches, cinema etc on my own without giving it a second thought. Sometimes I do those things with others too. A number of gentlemen friends meet my sexual/intimacy needs but are all well aware that it is a casual arrangement only.

I've got the kids, but I think that actually makes me relish the time alone all the more - I feel so refreshed after they've been with their dad for the day, and I've just gone off and done some errands, stopped for lunch, pottered around the house doing bits and pieces.

I love them to bits, and do look forward to them coming home in the evening, but I'm also really looking forward to them growing up and giving me entire days to myself, being able to just pack hand luggage and travel again etc.

some of this is personality though - I've always been very happy in my own company.

Im 100% alone. Family live hours away and not in a relationship. I have friends though.

The only thing I would say is that you share a house with children! I accept that's not adult company but it's different to being completely alone...

Love it !

Intrigued where you find the gentleman friends...?

Mostly online. Not on regular dating sites, on ones that are geared towards purely casual, ie fabswingers and adult friend finder. Neither are for the faint hearted, and you need to have very strict filters etc but it’s possible to find good guys. And one is an ex work colleague.

I think this says more about you and your personality than it does about the state of being single, though.

For example, I live alone and am single, but I don't worry what to do at the weekend because I plan my time to be full of things I like doing (either with friends or alone). I'm not sat around waiting for someone else to fill my time.

Everyone is different, some of us are a lot better at building fulfilling lives alone than others.