Being Single/Alone

[Livelifelaughter]

The Times just published an article about "Being Alone". In the comments section many people wrote about how they enjoyed a morning walk, coffee even holidays alone. The writer explained her love for doing things alone (although was in a relationship at the time she wrote the article).
There's a real difference to doing things alone and having a partner/husband even children to come back to...one of my friends talks about her holidays alone not mentioning her 25 year old daughter is with her. In fact I find it really exciting being alone and notching up the things I would tell my boyfriend.
But there's a massive difference in having exciting experiences alone, going to a fancy restaurant alone while other tables are full of chattering couples and I would rather have a partner with me.
I am not talking about it's better to be alone than in a rubbish relationship, that's obvious...but do people really want to be alone ?

I’m so jealous of the people who don’t mind being single, wish I could get to that kind of state of mind.
I’ve been single, totally alone all my life, in my late 30’s now and still I haven’t gotten used to it.
It has definitely gotten worse the older I get, when I was younger I still had hope one day I too could have a partner, but I’m too old now, so it’s not going to happen.
I wonder if it’s easier after you have been in a relationship before?

You have to nurture yourself @NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs

Do you do that? What have you done over the past few days that, if someone else had done it for you, would have been a really lovely thing to do? Kind and sweet and generous? That would make you feel really special?

I like being single (I live alone) but it is very lonely at times. I can find too much socialising gets exhausting and I just want to hang out at home, cook a nice meal, watch TV or potter about and I'd like someone to do that with. It's lovely when you are in a relationship which doesn't take too much from you, and you have a friendship and companionship as well.
To be honest I'd very very happily live with another woman (platonic) as the best times in my life were when I lived with friends.

I was single for a loooong time. I was fine - had great friends, lovely life. Did lots of things by myself no problem including holidays.

But I was lonely. Not all the time but sometimes coming home on a Friday and realising I didn't have a plan to see anyone and so wouldn't have anyone to chat to until Monday made me feel really bad.

Also I felt very alone in the sense of it was all on me. If I had a problem, health issue, money problem...I didn't have anyone to share it with. I just missed having someone in my corner who would be my partner and help me take on the world

I loved being single. I'm very happily remarried, but know I would be perfectly happy being single too.

Everyone is different. Some have more need for having 'their person' than others. Some have a damaging need for having 'their person' to the extent that they will accept anyone so long as they can say they are in a relationship.

And being single is 1000 times better than being with the wrong person.

You can be single and still have loved ones, support etc. Honestly, some of the happiest people I know are single with a good group of friends / family. They relish the freedom, being able to do things on a whim, change their mind, eat when they like, follow their mood.

Single isn't a runner-up prize. Many people would benefit from embracing single. Even if you want to end up 'coupled' being single helps you understand who you are and what you want from a relationship. If you don't need another 'half' you will only choose someone who is absolutely right.

I have been single for most of the last 15 years and I can honestly say they have been the best of my life, but because I have been raising my son.

I've not met a man who could be trusted or relied on. And I watched three of my four close friends having their lives ruined by truly vile husbands.

So I've had the best of both worlds, single, with emotional and financial security (self reliance), and with unconditional love from my child. When ds leaves in a few year I'll need to think again but the last 15 have been the best. 🙂

I live alone, have done since DP was killed in an accident over 10 years ago. It’s utter fucking misery but I don’t want to live with anyone else , or ever be in a relationship with anyone else, I just want him back.
I’ve done loads of things in the last 10 years on my own, sold a business, retired, sold my home, bought another, moved to a new area ( twice) travelled, tried new hobbies. Don’t enjoy any of it. I do it, I smile, I join in Christmas, birthdays etc and should get an Oscar for my jolly performance — but it’s just that, a performance. We were supposed to grow old together and I’m bloody livid that didn’t happen. The core of my soul died when he did.
Just my story and I really, really hope it’s no one else’s bc I’d hate anyone to be this unhappy.

It is exhausting, if you don't plan than you can easily end up doing nothing really at the weekend. In a relationship Is found the happiest times were just walking and talking. I agree with you, some of my happiest times were when I was sharing a house in my first job and we would just do things together...

I think a close family helps. Three years ago I was admitted to hospital and told to get my next of kin....I ended up calling various friends who were fantastic but it was really hard being discharged and then being at home for weeks and weeks recovering on my own. I tried OLD at that time but literally didn't have the energy.

I’ve been single 8 years and have just turned 50. I have a teenage dd at home but I am preparing for when she goes to uni. I have a lot of plans !

like a PP, I am the most content I have ever been. Men have not been a positive in my life and I absolutely love my own company . I don’t want another relationship, I am so happy being single and with my life exactly how it is.

I am in my 50s, I have lots of friends in their mid 40s and 50s who are financially independent, own homes, travel frequently and they all without exception want to be in a relationship.
I have numerous friends who aren't in bad marriages but certainly the fizz has gone, they have reliable/not so reliable but we'll meaning husbands in a sort of beige relationship and prefer it to going alone.
There's a certain age, and I think for me it's now in my 50s where life slaps you a bit - your more vulnerable in the work place and it's harder to get jobs, your parents need care or die, you and or your close friends start getting ill, the menopause puts your mood all over the place, your looks fade. And suddenly you just want a bit of an anchor a bit of support. Someone to hold you when your mum has died, someone to make sure you're alright.

I completely agree livelovelaughter

You almost certainly have needed to people who loved you and that is what has made you secure. Whether you were raised by family who loved you, or had/have siblings who love/d you. Or have/ had friends who love/d you. Or have ‘/had colleagues who liked and respected you. All of those things will have built up a sense of security and sense of being loveable, so deep rooted you don’t even know it’s there. And that deep rooted security is what enables you to say you don’t need anyone to make you feel loved or secure: because other people already have.

If you haven’t had any of this and you are still ok, then you are rare indeed.

I heard a widow express very well what you are saying here. She said, ‘it’s not someone to do something with I miss, I have friends for that, it’s someone to do nothing with that I miss.’

you don't need another 'half' you will only choose someone who is absolutely right

I think many single people are single because they don't "need" a relationship and they won't settle. However no one has come along who will be "absolutely right"...that part seems to be luck. You either settle for someone or are lucky that you meet a decent partner who happens to be single at the same time.

Op, I think many people can relate to your feelings. You have a full life but haven't been fortunate to meet the right person and you're not prepared to settle. I am currently single and could have been in multiple relationships but I'm not settling. At times I reflect if that's the right decision but equally know it has taken me years to recover from a bad relationship.

I've been married twice and I know without any doubt that I cannot live with another person.
I intend to spend the rest of my life alone and happily so with my animals.
However, at your age I remember feeling that I didn't want to be alone, I needed a relationship and wanted to be part of a family.
The reality was relationships always left me disapointed, I never found a decent man, they were all relationships I settled for and in the end I thought what is the point of this. I'm living with substandard men because I don't want to be alone.
This is the problem - finding someone decent, it's really hard work.

I am always a bit baffled when people say "I'm currently single" - for me single is the end goal, not a waiting status between relationships. No one ever seems to say "I'm currently married" with a hopeful tone that suggests soon they won't be

I chose and continue to choose this life because not having a relationship or sharing my home or life with a partner is what serves me best and what enables me to live my brightest, happiest, fullest life. I can't imagine ever wanting to change this, and definitely won't ever live with someone.

I'm 37, lost my Dad at 31 and have often thought that during that time and the aftermath that far from wanting a partner to comfort me, I can't think of anything worse than a partner and/or small child to juggle around how I was feeling and what I wanted and needed to do.

It makes me sad that we're so conditioned to think that we can't be truly happy till there is someone in our life to do it with, that we need another half instead of being whole to begin with, and that you think you can't cherish and love yourself OP. You can and it's a great, steadying state to get to but isn't instant - it took me some time to figure out which were my actual feelings and which were expectations I'd been conditioned to have and which things I was trying to like and enjoy because I'd been told those were the correct holy grail type feelings (coupledom, wanting to get married, etc).

I definitely don't understand people who won't go to a restaurant on their own in the evening or whatever - genuinely curious as to why not? No one else there gives a fuck and good food and a book is one of the best combinations I know.

Having said all that, as I've said on other threads, I do understand not everyone feels this way and some people are happier partnered just as some of us are happier single. But I think it's worth figuring out how to be happy, or at least happier, alone even if you don't intend to be solo forever, because life is a lot nicer when you don't feel like you're missing out or missing something all the time, and when you don't consider your other activities filler or second best to what you'd do with a partner.

I am always a bit baffled when people say "I'm currently single" - for me single is the end goal, not a waiting status between relationships. No one ever seems to say "I'm currently married" with a hopeful tone that suggests soon they won't be

Because people make a lifetime commitment to be married. Many single people haven't made a lifetime commitment to being single. You do hear people say 'I'm currently dating' or 'I'm currently seeing someone'. There's nothing baffling here. For you, single is the end goal, but not everybody is like you.

Is it a lifetime commitment? Maybe it used to be when women couldn't actually divorce. It's all very theoretical especially now that there is no fault divorce clause so that people can exit if the relationship is no longer serving them.

Thank you that's very interesting. May I ask your age ?

Personally I don't think no fault divorce makes a difference, because the process takes at the quickest about 6 months and although the old system had an element of fault, such as unreasonable behaviour the actual process was quicker. It's the financial fall out and gut wrenching pain of divorce that will remain.

You're absolutely spot on.

I completely agree with you, and well said!

There is so much social conditioning around this topic.

It's a different type of loneliness.

Your conversations are never stimulating. You don't belly laugh in the same way. You are there for them but can ask nothing of them in return. Its not aeeting of minds. Ypu cant debate or discuss. They take such and, whilst they give enormously, they are never focused on your needs or your happiness. In fact, they never consider it and neither should they. You have to consider them at all times. They are the priority. They are wonderful but they are no substitute for adult company.

I've had periods of feeling wretched loneliness and the worst thing anyone said to me was to ask how I could be lonely when I had children.

It's also possible to be lonely while in a relationship.
Looking back I would say I felt lonelier towards the end of my marriage than I do now. Being in a relationship that isn't working and where communication has broken down can make you feel more alone than being single.