Being Single/Alone

[Livelifelaughter]

The Times just published an article about "Being Alone". In the comments section many people wrote about how they enjoyed a morning walk, coffee even holidays alone. The writer explained her love for doing things alone (although was in a relationship at the time she wrote the article).
There's a real difference to doing things alone and having a partner/husband even children to come back to...one of my friends talks about her holidays alone not mentioning her 25 year old daughter is with her. In fact I find it really exciting being alone and notching up the things I would tell my boyfriend.
But there's a massive difference in having exciting experiences alone, going to a fancy restaurant alone while other tables are full of chattering couples and I would rather have a partner with me.
I am not talking about it's better to be alone than in a rubbish relationship, that's obvious...but do people really want to be alone ?

@NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs

I don’t think many people truly grasp what singlehood is actually like.
Even more so the older you get and everyone else barricade into their bubbles.
And you’re outside, having to celebrate them, and never getting anything in return + loneliness.

But, and I mean this kindly, you seem to be fixated on the idea that there's a binary distinction between being single and being in a relationship where relationship = good, single = bad. This is really your perspective on it, it's not reality.

I certainly do know what "singlehood" is like: I was single for most of my 20s, some of my 30s and most of my 40s. I've been single more than I've been in couples.

The way you describe the states of being single and being in a couple is really interesting: you talk about being single as if you are "locked out" of something really fun and exciting. In fact often its the exact opposite. Being in an unsatisfactory relationship can be devastatingly lonely and oppressive. Usually far worse than being on your own. Even in a good relationship it's usually fairly humdrum. You talk about having to "celebrate" couples. There's nothing to celebrate, it's just normal life with slightly different logistics and closer alignment with another person.

I think what you're talking about really isn't about couples versus singles: it's about the amount of time and energy people have to devote outside of their immediate family. Someone with a FT job and kids is unlikely to have loads of free time. It's not really about them being in a couple, it's about them just being busy and tired.

But you seem to be pinning everything on this fairly arbitrary distinction about someone's relationship status. It's not the be all and end all.

We’re just not going to agree on this one @Thepeopleversuswork , neither one of is going to convince the other one of anything, that much is clear.

But I’ll just say this, nothing to celebrate?
Meet the new partner, weddings, engagments, buying a house, baby announcements/showers/first meet/christening, list goes on.

What are tou on about of nothing to celebrate?
I’m starting to think you’re taking everything I or anyone who doesn’t agree with tou and just twist it to fit your narrative.

Majority of people want a relationship, plenty of them are happy, many people find happiness in companionship, not everyone think their partner is oppressing them.
If yours is so bad, then leave, but don’t make up stories how everyone else is miserable.
What the hell do you gain from that?

@NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs

Majority of people want a relationship, plenty of them are happy, many people find happiness in companionship, not everyone think their partner is oppressing them.
If yours is so bad, then leave, but don’t make up stories how everyone else is miserable.

I'm not trying to upset you and I'm not saying everyone in relationships is "miserable". I'm just trying to make the point that most of this is about perspective.

You are clearly very unhappy about the fact that you're not in a relationship. I'm just trying to get across to you that this is misguided: you're looking at the wrong thing. Being in a relationship won't magic away all your problems and thinking it will is likely to lead you headlong into a bad and unhappy relationship.

Once you get your head around this, life gets a lot easier. Trust me.

That’s really not what came across with your posts, perhaps yoi should have said you were trying to help.

Currently, yes I am unhappy, spring and summer are the worste time to be single for me.
But I promise you @Thepeopleversuswork , that I’ve been happy single, alright with it, accepted that this is my fate (don’t take too literally now).
And you know what that changed, nothing.

I’ve noticed that you persist on relationships doesn’t bring happiness (I disagree, since I’ve seen so many people change and become and stay happy due to a relationship), but you complitely brushed off the loneliness and isolation of being single.
So no, I don’t believe that you are trying to ’help’.

this will always remain a very subjective thing, but I kind of get both sides

I think people simply differ in their emotional needs - some are genuinely happy being single and don't crave or need having partner in their life, its not a requirement for them to be happy, while others want to be in a loving relationship and there is no substitute for this if this is what one needs.

And neither happy singles should be treated as "poor lonely woman, you will die alone and cat will eat your face" nor should people who want relationship be told to "learn to be by yourself". Everyone can get in a mediocre relationship or deal with being single - doesn't mean people will be happy in these scenarios if their needs are not met

@NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs

Sorry I really think you're misconstruing what I'm saying. I'm not trying to be unkind and not attacking you, I'm frustrated because you're clearly unhappy and I feel very passionately that your perspective on this is unhelpful and that you're making yourself needlessly unhappy by looking at this the wrong way. I have some experience of this as I've felt like you in the past. I genuinely believe changing your perspective will change everything.

I'm not saying relationships don't bring happiness. I'm saying they are not a silver bullet, one way ticket to happiness and that pursuing them at all costs will not make you happy, in fact it will make everything seem worse and you are putting yourself at risk of abuse and exploitation if you do that.

I can't bring you round to this now but I promise that letting go of the pursuit of a relationship as a life goal in itself will make you happier.

I completely understand your perspective. Spring and Summer are the same for me.
I like you am not saying that I can't be happy and single because I know that I can and have been. I know so many people who are happily single then meet someone and actually are happier, just seem a little more alive.
I really don't need to be told that if your happy in yourself that's enough, because it's not for me, and that doesn't mean that I am insecure or lacking.

I’ve done it.
I’ve done the I don’t need a relationship.
I’ve learned to be on my own.
I learned to be my friend.
I’ve read everything about amatonormative society, expectations, what relationships demands and does to a woman by feminst lense.
I’ve made new plans, as a single.
I got out of comfort zone.
I went to theraphy because I was jealous that everyone else got to have a relationship.
I’ve made new dreams and I accepted that this is how it’s going to go for me.

I’ve had stages where I thought like you, that relationships must be unhappy, co-dependent people, with cheating and violence and forced sex. Stinky bathrooms and lazy partner.
It didn’t work.
Still want one.

You don’t know what I’ve been through, you can’t, but try and listen for a bit.
For maybe 10th time, I didn’t the happy single, need no one part.
That is in the pocket.
Right now I’m sad.
Like everyone is at some point.
I don’t like that singles are shamed for wanting a relationship.
And no one believed relationship alone will heal everything.
But for me, it is the one thing missing.
I’ve done everything else.
Please, try and read that part.
You have chosen to misunderstand my situation.
So one more time.
I’ve done everything else.

I was with my husband for forty-three years, until he died seven years ago. being alone is not something I would wish on my worst enemy!

I dont understand why a relationship is so important... if you're all sorted on the 'happy' front, why the issue with a relationship? If it's making you unhappy not having one, then clearly you're not happy being single, so you haven't 'been there and got the t-shirt', you've been there and failed to maintain it.

There's loads of things I want in my life, as with everybody. I'd love a million quid, but I'm not writing posts saying 'I've been happy without it in the past, so I know I can do that, I'm dead good at that, but right now, I JUST WANT A MILLION QUID, OK?' and expecting people to 'get it'. It doesn't make sense. If you're happy being single, then you're happy being single.

in general not having something that is important for us makes us slightly less happy. You can male the best out of your circumstances and be relatively happy and still want more. Your comparison to million quid doesn't quite work - its like wanting to be a princess, something you know is outside of possibility for most

But tell people who are frustrated because they wanted to travel more and never were able to afford it, or those with unfulfilled career ambitions, of those infertile who want children to "juuust beee haaaappy, why you're not haaappyyy?" and see what will happen.

@NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs

I am reading you and listening to you, I just disagree with you. That's allowed.

I'm sorry if it's upset you and I'm sorry you're sad, you don't sound like you're in a good place and I hope you can get out of it. At the moment this is your reality and you feel what you feel. And I'm sorry if you feel people aren't listening.

But I do think the fact that you say "for me, it is the one thing missing" is very significant: you see this as the one problem which needs resolving when in fact its much broader and more complicated than this.

You seem very determined to doggedly insist on persuading people that a relationship is the one thing missing from your life which will make you happy, instead of trying to refocus your perspective and look at the bigger picture.

That's your choice and no one else can alter that position, but that doesn't stop me thinking that your mindset is a part of the problem.

Watchkeys are you not in a relationship, because I thought you mentioned that you were ?

@Thepeopleversuswork

Having just caught up on this thread, I find @Thepeopleversuswork’s posts astoundingly arrogant. Why is it so hard for you to grasp that the poster you are responding to is a different person from you, has different emotional needs, and has a different experience of life? You write like you think you know this stranger on the net better than she does. You are not her. What you have learnt about yourself from your life cannot be assumed to translate to another human who is not you.

On another note, I'm far more interesting, interested, engaged, outgoing, etc when I'm single and have the time and freedom to do what I want to do
Have to say I don’t recognize this at all. Kids take away time and freedom to do what you want, but I never found a child-free relationship did. I did my thing, they did their’s and we met together to do the things we shared an interest in.

@Livelifelaughter

Yes I am. I wasn't looking for a relationship, and met someone who blew my socks off. I'd been single ages, and was perfectly content. I miss some aspects of it. We can't help falling in love.

Am I unqualified to speak on the thread?

I tend to find that when I'm single I'm happy for a while then start longing to be in a relationship. On the rare occasions I've been in a relationship I start longing to be single again!

I'm a natural introvert and love and need time to myself. But I do get lonely as well. Maybe I've never found the right person but relationships make me feel suffocated after a short space of time.

I've never had a problem going anywhere or doing anything alone basically because for most of my life that's the only option I've had if I want to get out and do stuff. I lack friends though and I think for me it's more important that I find friendships rather than a relationship. I don't mind being single and have lived alone for nearly 20 years.

Of course you're not unqualified to contribute to the thread.

I do however think it may show that people who are very happy single still find something in a relationship...love. ❤️

Yes, quite. That's a good reason to make sure you're happy single first... I'm the walking example of that, I had shit relationships before I sorted my head out, didn't even know it needed sorting! People are very resistant to the 'be happy single' thing, but it really does help, because it means you don't put a load of pressure on a relationship, if one comes.

@PaintedEgg Alright then, I'd really really like a piano. I dream about it sometimes. I'm quite capable of getting one, but I haven't seen one that meets my needs yet, so I'm going to wait, and if my fantasy piano never shows up, I won't be posting threads about how I'm perfectly happy without my dream piano, but my life would be so much enhanced with it. I'll be really pleased if it comes, but if it doesn't, I have an electric one, and that works fine. Things we'd quite like in life ought not to cause us too much distress, and if they do, it reveals an underlying instability of some kind.

@Whoknewwhat

Having just caught up on this thread, I find @Thepeopleversuswork’s posts astoundingly arrogant. Why is it so hard for you to grasp that the poster you are responding to is a different person from you, has different emotional needs, and has a different experience of life? You write like you think you know this stranger on the net better than she does. You are not her. What you have learnt about yourself from your life cannot be assumed to translate to another human who is not you.

I mean you're entitled to your views and I'm genuinely sorry it came across like this. Of course I'm aware that this is another person with their own perspective.

But this poster has been relentlessly negative about herself and seems totally fixated on the idea that being in a relationship will magically improve her life. I don't see why playing along with this delusion is helpful. It's very obvious that the negativity stems in large part from the fact that she can't see past this issue.

I'm not unsympathetic but I'm not going to say "yes of course you're right, all you need is a boyfriend and your problems will magically disappear". That would be irresponsible.

@Watchkeys how about not having your partner, now that you know how nice it is to be loved. im sure it would be just like jot having a piano

@PaintedEgg

If my partner left me, I would pull myself together and be fine. That's my whole point! Of course I would be upset, but my life isn't entirely about the relationship. I make myself happy, and my partner is a wonderful cherry on the cake, but a cake is still a lovely thing without a cherry.
I know how nice it is to be loved because I love me. My friends love me. My family love me. I don't rely on my partner to prove that to me, it would be too much pressure on the relationship.

People should study your comments to get a real life expirience what gaslighting is.

@NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs

As I say, I'm sorry you feel like this and I'm sorry you're not happy. I think gaslighting is a wee bit harsh, but we clearly aren't going to agree.

I didn't read the post as the poster being deeply unhappy just that she feels something is missing...

Where is the gaslighting, @NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs ?