Being Single/Alone

[Livelifelaughter]

The Times just published an article about "Being Alone". In the comments section many people wrote about how they enjoyed a morning walk, coffee even holidays alone. The writer explained her love for doing things alone (although was in a relationship at the time she wrote the article).
There's a real difference to doing things alone and having a partner/husband even children to come back to...one of my friends talks about her holidays alone not mentioning her 25 year old daughter is with her. In fact I find it really exciting being alone and notching up the things I would tell my boyfriend.
But there's a massive difference in having exciting experiences alone, going to a fancy restaurant alone while other tables are full of chattering couples and I would rather have a partner with me.
I am not talking about it's better to be alone than in a rubbish relationship, that's obvious...but do people really want to be alone ?

Agree. I even think that there's an element of pity for single people at certain ages...

It's not that it's not real it's just that most relationships don't last so people cycle over and over in and out of relationships. Some are lucky and can retrospectively say it has been a consistent love for one person. But how common is that? Social conditioning to have to be in a relationship is quite a strong? Life is expensive as single person? Pressure to have a family/or want a family so need a man for that and a second income? Not all women can or a re prepared to be solo parents....lots of factors really

This. The vast majority of marriages and LTRs are an uncomfortable hybrid of financial convenience, practicality and habit with, ideally but not always, some veneer of affection and friendship. The idea of an eternal, perfect love which will sustain you throughout everything is nonsense. A very small number of people remain genuinely romantically in love with the same person throughout their life but for most they happen upon someone who is "right for now" and for whatever reason they make it work. It's then hard to untangle the infrastructure of a relationship so they don't bother and just bimble along together. The idea that they are "happier" or more fulfilled than single people is bollocks. Some may be, most won't be and their couple status is largely irrelevant to their happiness.

Being in a couple is held up as the ideal for everyone to live by so people who either choose not to live like this or can't live like this are constantly made to feel shit by wider society. You need to see it for what it is.

In fact not only is possible to be happier on your own, it's actually easier once you stop endlessly looking for validation from other people. As PPs have said, you ultimately can never get really emotional support from another person, it has to come from yourself. The idea that you would be happier eating in a restaurant because you're with a partner is delusional. You would just feel less socially judged. The trick is just to train yourself out of the brainwashing that tells you you will never be complete unless you are part of a couple.

I'm in a LTR but if I wasn't I would absolutely be happy alone. I have and continue to do many things on my own: traveling, eating out, going to the cinema etc etc. I'm self-sufficient enough not to need someone with me all the time and old enough that I don't give a shit what people think about me.

Perhaps it should be then more openly talked about.
That it’s just out of convenience and money troubles and pushing more kids in the world.
That would lower the expectations and gritting teeth to try pretend to be happy.
Also take the shame / shaming of single people.
Also hopefully would lessen the parties we have to go to and spend money for these not so happy after all - milestones…

Oh, and nothing personal, but person in a LTR lecturing how to be single is always funny to me.
If you were / could be so happy alone, and with the views you have about relationships, why bother with a relationship.
V’mon now, being in a relationship is worth it / better.

If you were / could be so happy alone, and with the views you have about relationships, why bother with a relationship.

It's possible to be able to enjoy both states, you know? It's not either/or.

People shouldn't be placing being in a relationship for its own sake or being single for its own sake above everything else. At certain points in your life and with certain people it may make more sense to be in a committed relationship but it wouldn't make sense to rush to be in a relationship just for the sake of the relationship.

I've been married, I've been single for long periods (very happily) and I'm now in a committed but non-cohabiting LTR. Each have suited me at the time.

For me the benchmark is this: for me to give up my single life the person would have to enhance my life enough to make it worthwhile. I like my life and I wouldn't be prepared to significantly change it to please another person.

Are you saying you prefer being in a relationship or not namechanged?

Agree, there's a massive difference doing things alone by choice in a relationship to doing things alone because there's no other options.

My take is that people crave relationships because, in theory, closeness with one's partner is different to one we share with friends. This is supposed to be our closest companion, confidante, lover, someone we can lean on and who is constant and sure aspect of our lives.

Its just that most relationships are shit and far from the above

I’d like to be in a relationships.

@Thepeopleversuswork
Like I said, it’s nothing personal.
It’s just the coupled up telling the singles how they (should) feel and be, while smugly coupled-up themselves that grinds my gear.
It’s like a rich person telling the homeless person that money isin’t everything, enjoy the little things.

And I think it was you who pretty adamantly wrote how most couples have no love. So are you one of those couples?

Agree. It's one person who has got your back and is there to make you feel safe. Having spent a long time long time very happily single I would like to be in a relationship.

To be honest that's what I thought about the article in The Times which prompted me to write this post. All about the bliss of being single by someone who swapped it for being in a relationship...

All about the bliss of being single by someone who swapped it for being in a relationship

I think there's good and bad things to be said about both. Just because I'm eating chips, it doesn't mean ice cream is rubbish. And later when I'm eating ice-cream, I'll still love chips. I'm in a relationship right now and there are aspects of being single I miss, and aspects of being in a relationship that I love. It used to be the other way round. Why does one have to be 'better than' the other? Being 'in a relationship' isn't necessarily a life or status choice; it's about loving someone and wanting to be around them. It doesn't mean you don't like independence or solitude any more, or think that they're bad things.

I'm single and absolutely have no intention of being in a relationship again. I like things my way, I like my life the way it is, I don't want anyone else in it.

Some really interesting comments here. Great post 😀@Livelifelaughter
@NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs Do you prefer being in a relationship then? Personally, I think I'm best suited to being in a relationship but not living together, but that could be because living together hasn't worked out how I thought it would.

Oh man!😄
I don’t think I’ve seen it, but I have noticed this trend where writer tells readers to live certain way and then not doing that themselves.
I’ve seen few times now how they advocate hook-up culture and getting crazy out there, to put it kindly.
And then the writer turns out to be a married woman with kids herself!

I would like to be in a relationship.

I stuck around for this conversation, because my mind just can’t wrap around the ’relationships are actually miserable, no one actually wants them, only in it because of money - absolutely have to have kids etc”.

When I don’t really see that around me.
Looks like most people (and I know some people truly want to be single, I salute these people, I think they are amazing) trulu want companionship / love / company.
Of course there are break-up’s, but they started good and happy.

I just don’t see the misery many people on MN seem to have or see around them.
And O don’t buy the it’s awful and relationships aren’t worth it, you’re not misiing out, be happy single (no one I know was long time happy and single, usually it’s the relationship that brings happiness to people).

And then coupled up people coming here and being pretty againts relationships just looks a bit silly.
Like, be single then. See how fun it’s for long-term.
I don’t think many know what it’s actually like to be single for years or decades or whole life. And take it for granted.

So sorry about my rant, clearly I take the topic personally. 🤣

@NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs Rant away

people who are in relationships and talk about doing things alone are not lonely - and thats a big difference

I like my own time, but I dont like it as much as I like time with my husband. However, living life means I do get to spend time on my own and I enjoy the things I do when he's not around.

But reading a book with a great cup of tea, going for a walk or getting a really good coffee at local cafe would not compensate for loneliness I would otherwise feel. At the end of the day I get to tell him of a book I read, tease him about taking a nap while he could not and take him to the same cafe to try the awesome coffee. I am not the kind of person who'd enjoy single life

Many people in real life won't admit to being unhappy in their relationships, it is to a certain extent a social status to be in a relationship, so the fact you don't "see" their unhappiness, it doesn't mean unhappiness doesn't exist , just being theoretical. Divorce is still stigmatising. And being partnered is revered, rightfully or not.

The issue with romantic relationships is that they can end at any moment. Literally. This person that supposedly has "your back" "is your biggest cheerleader" can decide at a moment's notice to no longer have your back, dump you without an explanation or simply change their mind about how they feel about you. Romantic relationships are fairly insecure arrangements as you cannot predict and guarantee your romantic partner'a feelings and behaviours, including yours.

So if your current relationship ended for whatever reason, would you be on the bandwagon to fill the void (as you by your own admission) you're not the kind of person who'd enjoy being single (for long)?

In this specific scenario I would have been heartbroken so I would be in no mindset to be with someone again anytime soon, but I would not be one of the the people who are happy single. In fact I would have been a heartbroken, lonely and miserable mess for foreseeable future

@NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs
Reminds me of when my marriage ended and I was deeply sad about it, although it had to happen.
Married friends said things like "I'm so jealous, you get the bed and the remote to yourself".
I notice they are still married and often popping off on holidays with their husband or out to dinner etc - so perhaps not actually that jealous...

I don't mind admitting that I struggle with being single. My marriage wasn't great at the end so some aspects of being single are a relief and I am trying to be positive about it but deep down I would love to be with someone. On my terms.
Having been cheated on and treated badly I'm nervous of it though, never want to feel like that again.

You really need to learn to lean on yourself you sound like you have codependency issues.

I clarified this applies to my current relationship - naturally if what I consider to be a happy marriage fell apart I would have been upset

its hard to imagine what i would feel if I was single. I have divorced before and I was pretty ok on my own, but I never had a dedication to remain single forever like some people do after divorce