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Original poster

Left out of a holiday with friends, help to move past it

309 replies

CallHerJohn · 24/04/2023 04:25

This is pretty lame but I'm feeling a bit vulnerable so looking for advice.

I have two local friends, who have kids the same age as mine. We tend to meet up all together, have a group chat with the three of us, and the only reason we'd be without one of us is if the 3rd one is working or not around for some reason - generally we invite each other and/or our families when meeting up.

Last week the two other families went on holiday together. I only found out a few weeks ago after asking what one of their plans were over the Easter break. She sheepishly said her family were going away with the other family. I didn't really react, even though I was a bit hurt not to be asked. It's so silly isn't it? I'm a grown woman, but it feels like all those school days feelings of not being included have come right back.

We have a little baby (the other families have two dcs each), so maybe they thought we wouldn't be able to come or want to, but it would have been nice to be asked i guess? Or maybe they just didn't want us to come. Which hurts to think about.

I was ditched by my group of friends at the end of primary school (I never found out why), and ever since it's given me a bit of insecurity around relationships, so this plays right into my anxieties.

I will be seeing these friends regularly at the school gate, activities and socially (i hope?) and I guess I need to have some help to get over this and just move on so it doesn't affect the friendship. Like a mantra to tell myself? Or something?

OP posts:
Summer2424 · 24/04/2023 04:36

Hi @CallHerJohn i know the feeling. It has happened to me a couple of times in my life. On both occasions the friends ended up hardly talking by then i had moved on and had got a circle of other friends. Sometimes things happen for a reason, this might encourage you to make new friends. With your current friends just carry on being you x

GretaGood · 24/04/2023 04:39

Do they also have babies?

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 24/04/2023 04:40

I wouldn't want to go on holidays with a friend that had a baby when I didn't. It's too restricting re daytime activities and too disruptive overnight.

It's probably (hopefully) as simple as that.

Original poster
CallHerJohn · 24/04/2023 04:40

@GretaGood no they have older kids the same age as my older kids. I'm the only one with a third child who is a baby

OP posts:
Original poster
CallHerJohn · 24/04/2023 04:47

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 24/04/2023 04:40

I wouldn't want to go on holidays with a friend that had a baby when I didn't. It's too restricting re daytime activities and too disruptive overnight.

It's probably (hopefully) as simple as that.

I hope so.

Sorry to drip feed, but the accommodation was separate (think cabins), and no real napping schedule but I guess just having a baby around could restrict the activities I could join in with db.

OP posts:
Original poster
CallHerJohn · 24/04/2023 04:49

Thanks @Summer2424 it isn't much fun is it

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 24/04/2023 04:58

That's the thing with having families, babies, different ages, times change.

You've got a whole lifetime of different priorities in relationships, families, work situations, school-gate dramas etc. Secondary schools, kids friendships changing......

People having different holidays - money, time off work, co-ordinating, organising, grandparents around or not, parents getting older.

Health problems, money problems, society changes.

It doesn't mean it's personal.

Go with the flow.

Fourecks · 24/04/2023 05:09

I don't think it's silly or lame. Most people, even without your experience at the end of primary school, would feel upset if they were left out of a holiday with friends.

It does sound like the most likely explanation is that they wanted a holiday that wouldn't suit a baby, rather than not wanting you along. I don't think they handled it in the best way. They could have said they wanted a holiday to X and you were welcome to come, but they would understand if you had to pass this year because most of the activities wouldn't suit a baby. Maybe they were worried they would feel obliged to change the activities or destination to suit you?

I don't have advice on a specific mantra but perhaps you could just remind yourself that it likely isn't personal, just circumstantial. See how the friendships continue, especially as your baby gets older and more able to do things. Spend time with other people if you can, those who are happy to adjust for your bub.

Flatandhappy · 24/04/2023 05:15

I would assume they just wanted “matching kids” on holiday so the fact that you also have a baby was the reason you were left out, I would be pretty hurt too though. A very cheeky (ex) friend of mine once tried to arrange to meet close friends of mine who she hardly knew for Sunday lunch excluding me except in this situation my close friend phoned me to say how super weird it was and of course she was going to say no. When I confronted cheeky friend I was told it was because I had three kids and the others only had two, nothing to do with the fact close friend’s DH is a fairly well known actor and cheeky friend was the ultimate social climber 😁

Phoebo · 24/04/2023 05:23

CallHerJohn · 24/04/2023 04:40

@GretaGood no they have older kids the same age as my older kids. I'm the only one with a third child who is a baby

The baby will be why. If I was going on holiday I wouldn't want a baby around either, it will change the whole dynamic. I can see why you're upset but don't be, and don't make a big deal about it. They're still your friends and it's ok for them not want to go away on holiday with you on this occasion

Dilemma19 · 24/04/2023 05:25

It's horrible if your baby is the reason. What does that mean, that's is now acceptable to drop someone just because they have a baby?!

Original poster
CallHerJohn · 24/04/2023 05:30

Phoebo · 24/04/2023 05:23

The baby will be why. If I was going on holiday I wouldn't want a baby around either, it will change the whole dynamic. I can see why you're upset but don't be, and don't make a big deal about it. They're still your friends and it's ok for them not want to go away on holiday with you on this occasion

Show quote history

Thanks for this. It's probably the reason.

I guess it is the way it was done sort of in secret that makes it feel worse. If they just said "hey CHJ we're thinking of going to x place with the other family, thought it probably wouldn't suit you guys right now though so maybe next time we can all go together" or something, it might have felt less hurtful? I wonder if they'd have said anything if I hadn't have asked, and just found out via social media? If they felt ok with it, I think they probably would've just been open about it. But this way feels like i wasn't supposed to know.

I've had to also manage the upset of my eldest dc who now knows the other two are away together, and is asking me why we didn't go. I've just said to them that we don't always have to do everything together, but yeah it is a bit rough isn't it. Not sure if that's the best approach but it feels most natural to me.

OP posts:
Snoken · 24/04/2023 05:43

I agree that it’s definitely because of the baby. It changes the dynamics and it is restricting for everyone, not just the family who has the baby. I wouldn’t have chosen to go away with someone who has a baby either if my kids were older. I agree that they should have told you earlier, but they were probably feeling bad about leaving you out like that.

Zanatdy · 24/04/2023 05:56

I can understand why you’re upset about it, I’m sure they would be too if they found out they’d not been invited. I guess it’s the baby but we don’t know the dynamics, If those two are closer etc. It is hurtful, but hopefully you can move past it. I’d understand it more if you didn’t have any children the same age but the fact you do and just have a baby too is hurtful as I’m sure you could have ducked out of evening activities etc if need be.

Original poster
CallHerJohn · 24/04/2023 05:57

So regardless of whether it was because of the baby, should I say something? How do I approach them when I see them next? Do I pretend it never happened? Do I ask how the holiday was? I am not interested in creating drama. What would you do?

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 24/04/2023 06:07

I would ask them about it. In a nice normal way. Don’t act like it’s a secret not to be mentioned. Be interested, maybe they will explain why you weren’t asked.

Mumdiva99 · 24/04/2023 06:10

Ask how the holiday was. Of course you do. You know about it, why wouldn't you.

snitzelvoncrumb · 24/04/2023 06:11

Are the friends partners good friends? I have a few friends who go away together and I have never been asked, but their husbands are also really good friends

Meadowfly · 24/04/2023 06:11

It could also be that their partners get on well, but don’t know yours as well.

Pippylongstock · 24/04/2023 06:15

This is horrible to read and actually very cruel of your friends. I’ve experienced similar in the past and it is so painful. For me it just made me open up my friendship group a bit more. I made time for other people. I think these friendships in early motherhood can feel extremely intense because we are all in such an emotionally raw state. I think it’s fine to ask what happened and if there was a specific reason for you not being included, I’m now a much bigger believer in direct communication. A big good luck it sucks to have your childhood trauma triggered in this way.

melchim · 24/04/2023 06:17

Absolutely HATE this feeling. It is horrible. I have a large group of friends and people do do things in smaller groups sometimes. It can really hurt but at the same time it's natural.

The most likely reason is the baby and keeping things simple with kids the same age.

Don't bother saying anything. Just be classy and if you want to stay good friends, keep inviting them to things and doing things together. If you can't bear not saying something, you could talk to one of them and express how you felt.

Dilemma19 · 24/04/2023 06:17

The fact that they kept it a secret and the one friend acting sheepish wouldn't sit right with me. A baby isn't a good reason, that doesn't sound like how a friend would behave. I would think it was more going on.

Original poster
CallHerJohn · 24/04/2023 06:19

snitzelvoncrumb · 24/04/2023 06:11

Are the friends partners good friends? I have a few friends who go away together and I have never been asked, but their husbands are also really good friends

Our dhs are all pretty different, and I'm not sure if my dh is any less close than the other two if that makes sense. Maybe I'm biased though, and he is less well liked.

Oh man this is making me feel worse..!

OP posts:
forthisinamechange · 24/04/2023 06:23

I would definitely ask how the holiday went and in the conversation I'd ask them to be honest about why they didn't want to invite you. That way whatever their reason you know it and won't waste time with these people if they aren't really true friends.

sandgrown · 24/04/2023 06:33

I used to own a business with a couple of friends. We all lived in during the Summer and were like family . We looked after each other’s children. We stayed friends after we sold the business and they were invited to children’s significant birthdays and weddings. A few years ago it was a big birthday for their daughter . They arranged a meal at a place owned by my daughter as they knew they would be looked after . We were not invited so I assumed it was just immediate family . Nothing was said when I dropped a present off on the day . I was hurt to later find out that another couple of friends and their neighbours had been invited. I never said anything except to ask if they had a good time and we remain close friends but it hurt to be excluded.