Left out of a holiday with friends, help to move past it

[CallHerJohn]

This is pretty lame but I'm feeling a bit vulnerable so looking for advice.

I have two local friends, who have kids the same age as mine. We tend to meet up all together, have a group chat with the three of us, and the only reason we'd be without one of us is if the 3rd one is working or not around for some reason - generally we invite each other and/or our families when meeting up.

Last week the two other families went on holiday together. I only found out a few weeks ago after asking what one of their plans were over the Easter break. She sheepishly said her family were going away with the other family. I didn't really react, even though I was a bit hurt not to be asked. It's so silly isn't it? I'm a grown woman, but it feels like all those school days feelings of not being included have come right back.

We have a little baby (the other families have two dcs each), so maybe they thought we wouldn't be able to come or want to, but it would have been nice to be asked i guess? Or maybe they just didn't want us to come. Which hurts to think about.

I was ditched by my group of friends at the end of primary school (I never found out why), and ever since it's given me a bit of insecurity around relationships, so this plays right into my anxieties.

I will be seeing these friends regularly at the school gate, activities and socially (i hope?) and I guess I need to have some help to get over this and just move on so it doesn't affect the friendship. Like a mantra to tell myself? Or something?

@Jonei I know people do, it's just not for me for all the reasons the OP's post exemplifies- I have my own individual friends who I'm close to, and their husbands might not want a week away with my husband, or the kids kind of get on but some get left out. I think it can work either with two families, and I have one family we are close to which we would holiday with, or a huge crowd of many families so the individuals don't matter so much, but three families is an odd number and my guess is everyone doesn't get on equally well.

I think socializing as whole families is fine for a BBQ but I wouldn't want to go away with a wife that I didn't have so much in common with because my husband was friends with them- we tend to have individual friends we are close to and only do the odd whole family even which tends to be for an afternoon or evening. I know people are different though!

Yes but a large group with different 'sub groups' forming is very different from a small group of 3, where 1 person was excluded.
I also don't get the "baby" reason and how it changes the dynamics.. So what if baby needs napping or not able to join all the other kids' activities? The families don't have to be joined at the hip at all times, OP and her family can be doing their "baby" things as needed in the day and then join again as convenient.
It wouldn't even occur to me to Not invite a close friend for such a silly reason.
OP, anyone in your shoes would feel hurt. Your friends would have known they were excluding you, hence being sheepish. They could have discussed with you holiday ideas, or even just said "We want to go to X destination, do you think you'd be okay joining us with baby?"
If this was a group of 4 or more friends and 2 of them decided to do something just them, that's not a huge deal. But when it's 3 of you always inviting each other, it's a nasty thing to do.
If I were you, I wouldn't say anything but will not be meeting with them so often either. Wouldnt be a surprise if they drift away or exclude you further.

I think this is very sensible.
You are clearly very hurt by their action which is totally understandable, and sadly, it has also affected your children.
I wouldn’t say anything but would definitely give them space and back off a bit. If they ask if anything’s wrong, I would tell them! I think your friends have behaved very badly, and I would really struggle to move past this. You can stay friends but sadly I doubt whether the relationships will be the same.

On this occasion style it out... Hide the hurt. Keep going as normal, it helps to keep things normal. But don't settle for these people as your only friends - extend your circle (and keep your new friends separate). Have school gate friends that you see for coffees and play dates for sure, but develop some badminton/volunteering/NCT/neighbour/extended family friends. This dilutes the effect any one group can have, and you might find a lovelier circle xx

I agree - let this one slide, as painful as it is.

There's nothing to benefit from raising it, unless the relationships are totally broken for you.

I'd be able to come to terms with a one-off.

Further instances would be a pattern, and this is the point at which i'd gracefully bow out and focus on building other friendships.

I get what you're saying but I really wouldn't have. If they'd said they didn't think we'd like it i would have taken the hint that it would be best not to go. At least I'd know it was happening, things would be open and with the baby is older it would be back on the cards. Instead I'm left not knowing what the reason is, and feeling down about some of my closest friends.

When^ the baby is older

You say you would have gone with them if they'd asked OP, so you were obviously up for a holiday. Was there a reason you hadn't planned something, perhaps just for your own family? So much easier with just yourselves to consider when there's a baby in the mix.

The fact that they didn’t mention it shows they were mindful of your feelings.

See I completely disagree; the fact they didn't mention it, means they are a bit cowardly, avoidant and poor communicators.

They could have been up front and communicated with op, they knew they wee leaving one of their friendship group of three (and the one who introduced them) out and they went about it in an avoidant, shitty way instead of just saying to her they were doing it and why they felt it was preferable to just have their two families this time.

They knew she was bound to find out and it wouldn't take much empathy to imagine she'd be left unpleasantly surprised, disappointed and feeling excluded but they failed to mention it to her or talk to her about it.

They're at best immature and shit communicators/have shit social skills (when it matters, not when it's easy), at worst; kinda c*nts.

Well op, you know their measure now ....I'd be discretely reducing investment, priority etc in those friendships and increasing it in potential others.

(As a total aside; your partner isn't one of those ppl that women stay with but who might be considered twats by other women/people, is he?)

No he's lovely, but good question! He's really funny and social, lovely to me at home and in company, and pulls his weight with the kids. We all have a vent now and then about our husbands but all very minor stuff all round. Their dhs are lovely too, which is why we socialise as families so much.

I am from a different culture than england and one thing I struggle with in england is the waiting and wondering. I can completely see why you would be hurt - why not just pick the friend who is closer to you / more empathetic type person and when alone with them polite questions ask about the holiday did they enjoy it etc. If they don't squirm leave things - they don't for some reason think you should have been invited - but if they so squirm its clear they did think it was awkward so tell them you were wondering if there was a reason you had been left out. And then make your decisions from there. The problem with silence is you will start distancing yourself as you feel hurt and won't be as easy going around them - and they could start distancing themselves from you because they feel awkward. So this friendship is kind of doomed anyway if you don't say anything - rip the bandaid off and let the wound breathe so it can possibly heal as there might be a daft reason you were not invited.

I guess planning a trip away hadn't occurred to us as things can be busy and booked out over Easter, so we hadn't considered it. It would have been nice to join in on others' plans for ease but would have been opportunistic. The draw would have been spending quality time with mates.

It does sound very playground like. They've been off secretly planning and having playtime together. Adults talk and communicate. I'd move on, they're not honest enough and who has tike to second guess people's motives?

havent rtft.
but i agree with you op.
at least they should have asked you if you would like to go with them explaining the situations which may not be suitable for famly with a baby and leave it to you if you would go.
they seem artificial, not real friends.

Its understandable to be upset. In the situation you describe it would be normal to have included you. Their secrecy confirms that they know they were acting outside of the norms for your friendship group.
There will definitely be a reason. This could be about one of them, perhaps wanting to see the other one on one basis rather than a trio (I'm a trio and we all prefer this at times, it's a different dynamic) or its about you or your family.
If the latter, my money would be on it being connected with the older DC and their dynamic. One not liking one of yours, one feeling excluded when they're altogether, or possibly parenting differences.
However, like you and everyone else, it's pure guesswork. In your position I'd tell them you were hurt and puzzled by it and would prefer to know if there were any issues between you. If a friendship can't withstand a bit of honesty it's not worth much after all.

Only you know your friendship dynamic and your friends' personalities, but just to put forward a different point of view. IME there are two types of people, those who deeply feel that everything should be inclusive and therefore there is endless negotiation and consensus for every activity to make sure that everyone is not unhappy (not happy necessarily, just not unhappy). Then there are people like me who just want to do what they want and is happy to do it alone or with just one other from the group but isn't allowed to because for some reason we all have to be doing the same thing.

Neither type of person is wrong in their view, and I can cope well with friends who are the other type for short periods or individual meet-ups, but I would never go away with that type of person because I would end up hurting their feelings by needing a break from them. To me a friendship where you meet up regularly for a short thing, like lunch every Thursday, is completely different from a friendship that you go on holiday together. In fact I have a Thursday lunch group of about five or six and recently three of us have been on a short trip together because of a common interest and we never even considered inviting the others. That happens a fair bit, I have been to stand up comedy with one of the others because we like the same comedian, for instance. I'm sure the others do things in twos and threes that I haven't been to. Just because you are friends and have some things in common it doesn't mean that you have to do everything together as a group.

Just wanted to say how sorry I am that this has happened. I woukd feel the same as you do. As I see it, you either ask them directly or step away from the friendships.
Personally I would ask them if they had a nice time. It opens up the subject.then say something along the lines of - planning a trip that didn't include us stung, and obviously I've had Dc asking. Can you let me know why?

You were left out nothing to do with the baby.I would step away now and form other friendships.Just be normal with them,smile etc but don’t get involved.The children will be fine.They know what they did that is their problem and they have to live with that.It hurts I know.

It's the sneakiness isn't it, yanbu to be hurt at all. Friends generally have kids of all ages whether teens or babies but you make it work or at least give a friend the option to see if they'd like to come.

I'd do as others have said and back off. Any questions will make the awkwardness worse and won't achieve anything. Just focus on other friends.

I get why you feel upset and excluded. the one who looked sheepish when asked about Easter should have given you an explanation then and there. The fact that she didn't and looked sheepish suggests to me she at least knew they were out of order.

Having been through similarish im not inclined to think it is all innocent if it was surely she'd have said then n there?

When "friends" did this to me i distanced myself n was approached by them n told it was perfectly acceptable what they were doing as they had known each other longer n they didn't owe me anything
.

How old are the kids OP? And what sex are your kids? I'm just wondering if there could be tensions/awkwardness amongst the kids which you're not aware of/havent given much thought until now? Would your family being there disrupt (sorry I cant think of a kinder way to put it!) that balance? For example - I have two DD's and we often go away with another family we know who have a DS and a DD; and the kids get along great; but if we invited a third family (who we equally love) who also have two DD's then it'd disrupt the dynamic because then there is only one DS in the group and he'd end up feeling a bit spare? I think this gets harder the older they get as my DD's will naturally gravitate towards other girls if there are other girls present now; far more than they would've a couple of years ago when they'd have been equally happy to hang about with boys or girls (I appreciate this is not the same for everyone before anyone accuses me of being sexist, but just a perspective of how it's been for me).

Equally, I'd not be that happy to go away with two other families where there are 3 tween/older primary girls there because three is generally a tricky number (both for kids and adults!) and I wonder if that, combined with the fact you have a baby, has meant you ended up left out this time...?

I too have been on the receiving end of being left out and its such a horrible feeling; but as I've got older I've totally come to accept its usually just because as its just easier with two families/easier when the kids 'fit' and isnt necessarily a reflection on how much people like me/my family.

OP, sending sympathy. I think this has happened to most people at some point, but it seems particularly hard to believe it can happen with adults. It's very unsettling (as well as hurtful) because you're baffled as to why. It could be the old 'two's company, three's a crowd' situation.

If you want to stay friends with these people I would definitely ask, in a non-confrontational way, why this happened. Of course people have a right to do things with whom they choose and aren't obliged to invite everyone, but in real life we know that these choices are often baffling and hurtful.

If you want to keep the friendships it's probably best to calmly ask what happened - because if you don't, you'll just end up resentful and suspicious. But if you do ask, do it with dignity for your own sake. There might (might...) be a reasonable explanation, but it does seem unkind on the face of it.

Good luck!

Gosh how horrible. I know that awful sicky hot face feeling when you realise your mates have all been somewhere without you.
I can see two sides here… I have a friendship group where it stopped being attractive to invite one family with us when we went away. There were financial differences and of the four families, three parented very differently from the fourth. We loved them and their kids but it was was hard to go away. My NCT group is similar, four families who were more alike and another family who just did things so differently. I’d be willing to be it’s something like that.

On the other hand I just wouldn’t stand for being left out in an underhand way. At some point they’ve started an extra whatsapp group, planned and executed a whole holiday and not said a word? And clearly agreed not to invite you. That’s just deceptive and odd. I’d absolutely say something tbh - in fact I did, in the early days of our NCT group, four others got together and didn’t invite me. That’s just not something I would ever do. I sent a message saying if you want me as a mate don’t do that again. Risky strategy but I barely knew them and I just thought fuck it, if I don’t say something I’ll just feel horrible and muggy forever. They apologised, explained the situation and eleven years on we are all best friends (and still go away together, other than the one family mentioned who just parent so differently…. Sort of mutually and tacitly agreed it wasn’t a good mix on holiday!)

You sound really lovely btw and I’m sure have loads of people keen to spend time with you.

I don't really get the baby thing either. If it was me and one friend within a trio had a baby, I wouldn't unilaterally decide for them that they should be left out of a holiday. If I wanted their/their kids' presence then I'd invite them and ask them how we could make it work for us all. Anyway, if all the other kids are big enough to tear around together then it would probably be more relaxing for the parents of the baby, not having to entertain the older ones so much.

So sorry, OP, that this has made you feel insecure and upset. I totally understand. It's really glaring when you are the one left out of a three, as opposed to two families from a larger friendship group going away together. If you are able to discuss it with one of them, I think it would be helpful to you, but be prepared for the possibility you won't like their explanation.

Please remind yourself that whatever your head is saying right now, you are very worthy of kindness and friendship xx