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Original poster

Left out of a holiday with friends, help to move past it

309 replies

CallHerJohn · 24/04/2023 04:25

This is pretty lame but I'm feeling a bit vulnerable so looking for advice.

I have two local friends, who have kids the same age as mine. We tend to meet up all together, have a group chat with the three of us, and the only reason we'd be without one of us is if the 3rd one is working or not around for some reason - generally we invite each other and/or our families when meeting up.

Last week the two other families went on holiday together. I only found out a few weeks ago after asking what one of their plans were over the Easter break. She sheepishly said her family were going away with the other family. I didn't really react, even though I was a bit hurt not to be asked. It's so silly isn't it? I'm a grown woman, but it feels like all those school days feelings of not being included have come right back.

We have a little baby (the other families have two dcs each), so maybe they thought we wouldn't be able to come or want to, but it would have been nice to be asked i guess? Or maybe they just didn't want us to come. Which hurts to think about.

I was ditched by my group of friends at the end of primary school (I never found out why), and ever since it's given me a bit of insecurity around relationships, so this plays right into my anxieties.

I will be seeing these friends regularly at the school gate, activities and socially (i hope?) and I guess I need to have some help to get over this and just move on so it doesn't affect the friendship. Like a mantra to tell myself? Or something?

OP posts:
SkaterBrained · 24/04/2023 08:55

You are feeling it was a grand plan with invitations and "don't tell CallHerJohn" as part of the planning.

That's hugely unlikely and really is your insecurity talking. Chances are that one booked it and it came up in conversation, the other said it sounded great and the first said "you should come."

Had you had a conversation beforehand saying you wish you were getting away at Easter, then they'd probably have told you.

They probably just assumed you have your hands full. If you want to go away with them next time then I think you should start the conversation rather than wait to be invited.

safetyfreak · 24/04/2023 08:55

I think it’s the baby too, a baby changes the dynamic of a get together.

If they are good friends, surely you can mention to them how you are feeling?

darjeelingrose · 24/04/2023 08:57

You say you would have gone if they had asked. It almost sounds like you would have gone if they had told you they were going and didn't ask. Like any opportunity. I think they didn't want you to go, probably because of the baby, not in a mean way, but it is different, and therefore didn't mention it at all, because they thought, rightly, that you would insist.
I think you are absolutely right to be upset, it is upsetting, and you should let them know because you have nothing to lose.

converseandjeans · 24/04/2023 09:03

I reckon it's more to do with the husbands of the other 2 families getting along better. However I would start socialising with other families now. It's not nice to find out by accident. They obviously knew it wasn't right to leave you out otherwise they would have chatted about going away.

user1471538283 · 24/04/2023 09:07

This kind of thing has happened to me. It's being actively not included that hurts.

Yes you have a baby but if it's separate cabins I don't see how this would have impacted on them.

I would withdraw from them and find other friends.

Whereland · 24/04/2023 09:10

If my good friends did this I'd have no problem just saying "I was a bit sad that I wasn't asked" and see what they say

Purplecatshopaholic · 24/04/2023 09:14

I would ask them. It would niggle away at me if I didn’t, and spoil the friendship. Particularly if your DD is upset and wants to know why you didn’t go too. Sad they kept it secret - that’s a low blow. I would likely distance myself from these ‘friends’, they are behaving badly towards you I think.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/04/2023 09:14

Dilemma19 · 24/04/2023 06:17

The fact that they kept it a secret and the one friend acting sheepish wouldn't sit right with me. A baby isn't a good reason, that doesn't sound like how a friend would behave. I would think it was more going on.

This.

I'd take the hint and cool the relationships. Pleasant, polite but distant.

Bluebells1970 · 24/04/2023 09:16

I think most of us have been here OP when your kids are the same ages. I had what I thought was a really good bunch of friends among other school mums but then found out that I was the one on the fringes. It didn't do my self esteem any good whatsoever and it was hurtful because I didn't know why.

Genuine friends and decent people don't behave like this - keep it casual from now on, chalk it up to experience and find some nicer people to be around Flowers

Winter2020 · 24/04/2023 09:17

It could have been as simple as a chance conversation that led to them going away.

I can understand them not asking another family - just due to numbers.

They sound like two families of 4 so eight of them. If you are 5 then eight becomes 13. It’s no longer an easy number for deciding what activities to do when, deciding where to eat, that is quite a lot of you to turn up at a pub and get a table, too many for hanging out in each others chalets and taking turns to cook etc. It becomes quite an unweildy group.

Original poster
CallHerJohn · 24/04/2023 09:19

darjeelingrose · 24/04/2023 08:57

You say you would have gone if they had asked. It almost sounds like you would have gone if they had told you they were going and didn't ask. Like any opportunity. I think they didn't want you to go, probably because of the baby, not in a mean way, but it is different, and therefore didn't mention it at all, because they thought, rightly, that you would insist.
I think you are absolutely right to be upset, it is upsetting, and you should let them know because you have nothing to lose.

No I definitely wouldn't have gone anyway had i known! That would be really strange and not something I would do. Nor would I have insisted!

OP posts:
Penguinsmum · 24/04/2023 09:19

This would really hurt me too. I would have to ask them why they didn't even ask me.

SwishSwishBisch · 24/04/2023 09:19

Whatever their reason, they’ve handled it poorly if they wish to continue the friendship with you. It’s unkind and also completely unnecessary to organise a secret holiday all cloak and daggers like that, when you’re an adult!
I think you’re doing the right thing to back off a little (but don’t go completely cold) and directly mention how it made you feel if you’re questioned on why.

I do also wonder if it’s your DH rather than the baby that’s the issue? I’ve experienced this in my own circle of friends where a couple of DHs have been disliked by both some of my friends and also the their husbands/partners, so a holiday in close quarters might have been a step too far!

sausage767 · 24/04/2023 09:23

This is so bizarre to me. You don’t have to invite everyone you know everywhere you go. Three families is a large group and another couple who have to be consulted with every arrangement etc. That would be much more than I would want to take on. It doesn’t mean they’re not your friends or that anyone has done anything wrong. I can’t see for the life of me why you would need to give them the cold shoulder.

Deathraystare · 24/04/2023 09:24

@CallHerJohn

Yes but even if your friends had said they "don't think you would want to come as you have a young baby", unfortunately you might have said "Of course I want to come, the baby will be no problem"!

pizzaHeart · 24/04/2023 09:26

It was really bad of them. I’m not sure your baby is the only reason . Think carefully they might have more in common together at this stage than each of them with you. It could be money, children’s age and interests, social goals, how they want to spend their free time etc. it will help you to understand what’s going on. One of them might want to be close with the other without you. There are a lot of factors at a play.
Are your older children at primary?

Thatboymum · 24/04/2023 09:28

I definitely think it was because of the baby because I know that I really couldn’t be bothered going with a friend with a baby when mine were older and that’s fine imo, I get that your friendship is a trio but that doesn’t mean each person isn’t an individual that can’t make there own choices without running it past you, I know you said it would have been nice to be asked or for it to be conversed but you would likely have taken that as an invite or maybe invited yourself and that would have been more awkward for everybody. I think you just have to accept that they are adults who are free to make there own decisions with or without one of the trio

Newyearnewmeow · 24/04/2023 09:29

I would have to ask them as it would really piss me off and fester wondering why they didn’t even mention it and obviously kept it from you.
Just ask if there is a reason why they didn’t tell you they were going.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 24/04/2023 09:32

I also think this is bizarre, my friends go off with other families, good for them, that's no reflection on our friendship. I think the difficulty here is that you are always in this three, which is an awkward number. I think three families on holiday is a lot more trouble than two joining together, especially if they match in age.

It might have been as simple as the kids get on a bit better, there was an offer on for a discount for two cabins, or it just seemed easier to arrange. Are you going to invite both families when you go on holiday? It's a giant hassle organizing one more family (personally I'd prefer to holiday with just my family but that's a whole other issue).

I would address it up front, they probably thought it was fine to holiday together, and now realise that it's a bit upsetting so are behaving oddly, I'd address it in a normal way- how was the holiday with X? Sounds fun, then move on.

Have other friends, do stuff with them.

I guess I'm not a holiday with friends type of person, it all sounds so awful to me!

Beautiful3 · 24/04/2023 09:33

I am not a drama queen by any means, I'm laid back and very understanding. However I'd be upset at this situation. Yes they left you out, and it hurt your feelings. That was a shitty thing to do. At least the friend who acted sheepish, knows it wasn't a nice thing to do. Otherwise she wouldn't have acted that way. Think I'd tell the husband and kids, so they know. I wouldn't ask said friends about it, nor make a big deal out of it. I'd definitely make more of an effort with other friends, also encourage the kids to do the same.

Jonei · 24/04/2023 09:34

I wouldn't leave a friend out who had a baby, seems a bit tight to me. Especially when your older kids are friends.

Feelinadequate23 · 24/04/2023 09:35

OP I’ve been in your position except we each just had one baby and my baby was at a different “stage” to the other two. I found out because one of the women (the one I was closest to and had known longest) clearly felt guilty about it and dropped it into conversation over dinner as “oh it’s totally nothing and actually very inconvenient and expensive and I’m not looking forward to it at all, but we and other friend’s family are going on holiday together next week”.

It didn’t really hit me when she said it but when I got home I broke down in tears. I’d felt so lonely and vulnerable with a new baby and this felt like a kick in the stomach from so-called very close friends.

I decided not to say anything and to just distance myself from them both for a little while to let it blow over, spending more time with other friends.

Over time it came out that basically one of the husbands had wanted to go away and do lots of sporty activities with his wife but obviously that’s hard with a baby, so he suggested going away with another couple so they could take turns to look after both babies while each couple had time to themselves. He didn’t want 3 families as that would be too complicated to organise for what he wanted. So they picked the other couple as it was easier to look after 2 babies of the same age.

So it really was nothing to do with not liking me/DH/our baby. This year, me and the closer of the two women are going away together with just our families and not the sporty couple. I haven’t mentioned it to her and I really don’t care whether she finds out or not. You reap what you sow!

We are all still friends but we are now less close with the sporty couple and actually have become closer than before to the other couple. I’m pleased with how I dealt with it and feel it led to the best outcome for us in the end.

I’d only ask them how it went if it comes up naturally. Don’t mention anything about wishing you could have been there, that will just make things awkward. If they are otherwise still friendly with you it won’t be a favouritism thing, more likely a logistics thing. Don’t feel guilty about asking just one of them to Do things in future if that happens to suit you best. The precedent has now been set!

Jonei · 24/04/2023 09:36

I guess I'm not a holiday with friends type of person, it all sounds so awful to me!

Going on holiday with friends sounds so awful? Weird.

redskylight · 24/04/2023 09:38

I think 3 is an awkward number ... much easier to organise a holiday between 2 families than 3.

I understand you being hurt, but it sounds like these people still want to be your friends and this wasn't a snub as such. I also think friendships evolve. It's very unlikely the 3 of you would continue remain in the position of always doing everything as a threesome. Particularly as your children get older and your meetups get less child focused. What if you and one of the others wanted to take up a hobby but the third one didn't?

Summerfun54321 · 24/04/2023 09:43

I have 2 kids and am well out of the baby stage. Sorry but I don't want to spend my holidays with a crying baby. Been there, done that. I would love to meet up with friends with babies for a coffee or lunch but not a holiday sorry.