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Original poster

Left out of a holiday with friends, help to move past it

309 replies

CallHerJohn · 24/04/2023 04:25

This is pretty lame but I'm feeling a bit vulnerable so looking for advice.

I have two local friends, who have kids the same age as mine. We tend to meet up all together, have a group chat with the three of us, and the only reason we'd be without one of us is if the 3rd one is working or not around for some reason - generally we invite each other and/or our families when meeting up.

Last week the two other families went on holiday together. I only found out a few weeks ago after asking what one of their plans were over the Easter break. She sheepishly said her family were going away with the other family. I didn't really react, even though I was a bit hurt not to be asked. It's so silly isn't it? I'm a grown woman, but it feels like all those school days feelings of not being included have come right back.

We have a little baby (the other families have two dcs each), so maybe they thought we wouldn't be able to come or want to, but it would have been nice to be asked i guess? Or maybe they just didn't want us to come. Which hurts to think about.

I was ditched by my group of friends at the end of primary school (I never found out why), and ever since it's given me a bit of insecurity around relationships, so this plays right into my anxieties.

I will be seeing these friends regularly at the school gate, activities and socially (i hope?) and I guess I need to have some help to get over this and just move on so it doesn't affect the friendship. Like a mantra to tell myself? Or something?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 02/05/2023 10:42

bjrce · 02/05/2023 07:28

friends husband said they should come next time, she's not really responding, she's now cancelled coffee. That's why I said hard work.

Actually disagree with you here. By the way the Friends husband spun it - was they couldn't make it this time - in actual fact they weren't even asked to go or told about the holiday. Bit harsh to state the Op is being hard work.

The friends know they fucked up and want the OP to row back in row - business as usual - They will probably spin the line - Oh we'd never do anything to hurt you - but the did and they know they did.

By their posting their usual memes and texts - they are trying to make it appear there's absolutely no need to mention the holiday - which is actually quite insulting to the op, they want her to bring it up first (If at all!).

I agree with you.

Those friends could have been honest that they were going to do this, but they chose to do it on the quiet.

That's their choice, as is the OP's decision to be hurt.

The OP feels how she does.

Taking some space and distance can help you not to react in haste.

I certainly can understand the OP's hurt.

My earlier point was to realise she nor them can change what they did, and how she feels, but as she will see them daily for many years, to think carefully about how she will feel in a year and what way she wants to interact with them.

In her place I would play the long game.
Take some space if she needs it.

See them when it suits her and definitely put energy into other friendships.

They are her friends, but perhaps not as close as she thought.

People do things with other people and it makes life easier if you try not to take it too personally.

Just a part of life.

Far better to get a heads up now and use these years when your children are young to make as many friends as you can.

Sloth66 · 02/05/2023 10:43

You introduced them to each other, then they went away together and kept it quiet.

I’ve had similar happen, of course people can holiday and spend time with whoever they please, and do what they want, but it’s hurtful.
For me, the situation encouraged me to look for other activities and see other people.

I still see them, but less often.

Whatdayisitalexa · 02/05/2023 11:41

billy1966 · 02/05/2023 10:42

I agree with you.

Those friends could have been honest that they were going to do this, but they chose to do it on the quiet.

That's their choice, as is the OP's decision to be hurt.

The OP feels how she does.

Taking some space and distance can help you not to react in haste.

I certainly can understand the OP's hurt.

My earlier point was to realise she nor them can change what they did, and how she feels, but as she will see them daily for many years, to think carefully about how she will feel in a year and what way she wants to interact with them.

In her place I would play the long game.
Take some space if she needs it.

See them when it suits her and definitely put energy into other friendships.

They are her friends, but perhaps not as close as she thought.

People do things with other people and it makes life easier if you try not to take it too personally.

Just a part of life.

Far better to get a heads up now and use these years when your children are young to make as many friends as you can.

Show quote history

Definitely agree, it would've been an awkward conversation beforehand whatever the reason. As others have said they may well have booked the last 2 lodges, or one person just casually mentioned they were going and the other family booked last minute. I can understand how that would sting , but they don't need to ask permission or make the decision not to go either. They obviously want to remain friends but practically they can't always do everything together. Op should hear them out if they now want to explain or apologise but build other friendships too.

Original poster
CallHerJohn · 05/05/2023 02:00

So my update is that I've had a coffee with friend A (see up thread) and she mentioned the two couples have a whatsapp group going, and she mentioned another time they'd been out for dinner together so I really do think their friendship is now a bit more established than either one is with me. It hurts, but it is what it is. I don't think it's an intentional snub, just the way the friendships have evolved.

Thanks so much for all your supportive replies and takes, it has helped me process everything.

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 05/05/2023 05:59

Sending you a big hug, that must hurt. It sounds like you have accepted it for what it is. Maybe start making some new friends and gradually join another group while staying friends with them. At least you know where you stand.

boredsolicitor · 05/05/2023 06:35

Thanks for updating . It's hard and hurtful but hopefully better you know how the land lies now . All of my Mum friendships from primary school withered when the dc started secondary school as so much less frequent contact as drop off stop and dc meet ups are organised by dc rather than parent play date type things. It's possible the dynamics will change again but for now I hope things settle for you and other friendships emerge so you can edge away if you want to .

TheaBrandt · 05/05/2023 07:23

I met lots of mum friends and remember that sad feeling when some “paired off” and met and did stuff without us.

We all remained friends though (14 years later) in a wider group but accept a few families are closer and we also do things with other families / couples. . Doesn’t mean we aren’t still friends though. Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water, lower your expectations of them and enjoy the friendships for what they are.

dcadmamagain · 05/05/2023 07:28

I agree - friendships move on when children aren’t friends. I had a best friend when my daughter at school with her daughter. Knew everything about each other then daughters moved on and she became less available…… this year I didn’t even get a happy birthday.

you sound like you have other friends who may be more suited to you x

jenny38 · 05/05/2023 07:40

Well done for going for coffee and having that difficult conversation. As others have said, at least you know where you stand now. In your shoes I would take a big step back from them and concentrate on other friendships.

TheaBrandt · 05/05/2023 07:45

Remain friendly and charming - and organise other better things with other people.

Birdsongsinging · 05/05/2023 07:47

TheaBrandt · 05/05/2023 07:45

Remain friendly and charming - and organise other better things with other people.

I agree. But I would be aiming to move away from these friends.

TheaBrandt · 05/05/2023 07:53

I wouldn’t if they are good company- why lose out? You can still be friends and see them - seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face if you huff off.

TheaBrandt · 05/05/2023 07:54

Agree you don’t need to be loyal to them or take them into account any more they have lost that privilege- but you can still socialise

Original poster
CallHerJohn · 05/05/2023 10:05

jenny38 · 05/05/2023 07:40

Well done for going for coffee and having that difficult conversation. As others have said, at least you know where you stand now. In your shoes I would take a big step back from them and concentrate on other friendships.

Thanks, although I wimped out of having the actual conversation. I wanted to test the waters, and while we talked about normal family/ work/ life stuff, it was strange that she managed to include the information about those meet ups and the whatsapp chat, when she's never mentioned that before. It's not my business, but a coincidence that this is when she chose to mention it.

Anyway, I also realised I felt the need to "punish" them somehow by moving on. That's immature I know, so al I'm grateful for this space where I can actually be honest with myself with the help of you lovely people. I'll try and move away from that, and instead try to nurture some other friendships. I guess this felt more than school mum friendships, as we've known each other for years and shared some pretty important stuff with each other, so definitely deeper than the other superficial ones.

Anyway I've gone on about that enough. If there's anything else to share I'll update the thread, but thanks to you all for your perspectives

OP posts:
jenny38 · 05/05/2023 10:28

It sounds as if she was trying to provide an explanation, without having the difficult conversation too. Regardless, you kept your cool and your dignity, which is a win. You sound lovely and I'm sure plenty of others would love to have your company.

Mary46 · 05/05/2023 12:06

Op hope you ok. It is hurtful of course. I agree with another reply my friendships fizzled out once kids moved on. So I stopped chasing people. But hard as these mams in our lives 8+ years!!

MrsMikeDrop · 05/05/2023 12:23

TheaBrandt · 05/05/2023 07:53

I wouldn’t if they are good company- why lose out? You can still be friends and see them - seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face if you huff off.

I agree. I think most assumed it was the baby, but maybe it's just the husbands get along better, so that's understandable. Obviously sucks for you, but I get it. I've been in that situation before when you hang out as couples and some husbands "connect" more than others. Hope the catch up gave you what you needed.

SunflowerTed · 05/05/2023 22:50

I think I would leave them to it! Still be friends but nurture other friendships! I totally understand certain people get on so they form a splinter group but they have excluded you x

Original poster
CallHerJohn · 13/05/2023 11:06

There's been a major development. Friend A has just found out she's pregnant with surprise baby #3. 😱 So looks like I'll be taking the high road and including their family in everything to be the better friend..!!

OP posts:
boredsolicitor · 13/05/2023 11:24

That will be very satisfying!! Hope things have settled ok for you now a few weeks have passed

BananaCocktails · 13/05/2023 11:49

All of this angst can be avoided if you just ask them both why you wasn’t asked if you like to come
if they are real friends like you say then you would have no issue asking
the fact you are too shy to ask says that you aren’t as close as you think you are and the other two maybe closer
message them both and say look girls hope u had a lovely holiday I get we don’t have to do things all together all of the time but was just a bit upset I wasn’t asked at all and was wondering why
and that’s it

Quitelikeit · 13/05/2023 11:55

Call her john

Just because she is pregnant it doesn’t mean that they are going to add you to their WhatsApp group or invite you on future holidays though?

T1Dmama · 13/05/2023 12:16

Quitelikeit · 13/05/2023 11:55

Call her john

Just because she is pregnant it doesn’t mean that they are going to add you to their WhatsApp group or invite you on future holidays though?

She means if that’s the reason she was excluded. Presumably the other friend won’t want a baby tagging along so the group dynamics will change again

BananaCocktails · 13/05/2023 12:16

CallHerJohn · 13/05/2023 11:06

There's been a major development. Friend A has just found out she's pregnant with surprise baby #3. 😱 So looks like I'll be taking the high road and including their family in everything to be the better friend..!!

Why? You don’t need to invite her or her family anywhere just because she’s pregnant
just ask them how comes I weren’t invited ? That’s all u need to say you don’t need to dance around them once u ask and get a reply

Original poster
CallHerJohn · 13/05/2023 12:20

BananaCocktails · 13/05/2023 12:16

Why? You don’t need to invite her or her family anywhere just because she’s pregnant
just ask them how comes I weren’t invited ? That’s all u need to say you don’t need to dance around them once u ask and get a reply

Show quote history

I was being light-hearted about it all. Thought the update might be of interest but lots of negative replies!

OP posts:
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