Left out of a holiday with friends, help to move past it

[CallHerJohn]

This is pretty lame but I'm feeling a bit vulnerable so looking for advice.

I have two local friends, who have kids the same age as mine. We tend to meet up all together, have a group chat with the three of us, and the only reason we'd be without one of us is if the 3rd one is working or not around for some reason - generally we invite each other and/or our families when meeting up.

Last week the two other families went on holiday together. I only found out a few weeks ago after asking what one of their plans were over the Easter break. She sheepishly said her family were going away with the other family. I didn't really react, even though I was a bit hurt not to be asked. It's so silly isn't it? I'm a grown woman, but it feels like all those school days feelings of not being included have come right back.

We have a little baby (the other families have two dcs each), so maybe they thought we wouldn't be able to come or want to, but it would have been nice to be asked i guess? Or maybe they just didn't want us to come. Which hurts to think about.

I was ditched by my group of friends at the end of primary school (I never found out why), and ever since it's given me a bit of insecurity around relationships, so this plays right into my anxieties.

I will be seeing these friends regularly at the school gate, activities and socially (i hope?) and I guess I need to have some help to get over this and just move on so it doesn't affect the friendship. Like a mantra to tell myself? Or something?

If they're your friends and you're close I'd just ask. You don't need to make them feel bad, I'd just say, I hope you had a lovely holiday, how did it go? And then when they reply just say 'totally fine that you went without us this time but we'd love to come next time if that's possible. DC were asking why we weren't going and I didn't really know what to say.' And see what they say.

Thank you for this, I think you're right about the intensity of friendships at this stage of life.

I'm not sure i could ask about it without getting pretty emotional and I'd rather not go there and open up more just to be hurt again.

I do have a lot of friends and feel lucky to know that I can broaden things out and spend time with other people that I know I get on with. It's hard as I felt like these two were my best local friends, and particularly given I was friends with them separately but brought us all together as I knew we'd all get on. Turns out I may have made myself redundant 🤦‍♀️

I think I'll do my best to take a bit of time away from them and see how we go. Hard because the kids are all friends but I think i need it.

Please don't say this. Way to be passive aggressive and try to guilt trip your friends. Theu dont need your permission to go away. Just keep it light and say "next time we'd love to come too". This is typical mumsnet where people have to be invited to everything. People don't have to always do everything together! 😒 I get why you're upset and it's perfectly understandable, but also get some perspective - not everyone wants to have a baby around, it will change the whole dynamic of the holiday. I have a baby myself so I get it!

I'd just give it some time before you approach it, if you decide to approach it. It's probably still a bit 'raw', especially if you are feeling quite emotional about it. It won't be anything personal, just that a baby creates a different vibe completely

It is hurtful I totally get it. Have a large local group and sometimes sub groups are formed who do trips and I get pangs if not asked which is utterly hypocritical as I do it too. I think it’s the human condition. I would stay friendly but would quietly strengthen other local friendships.

It may well be but it's rude/ wimpy of them not to have a conversation first rather than making assumptions.

Sounds to me if your 'friend' replied sheepishly, she knew it wasn't right to leave you out of the holiday.
Your 'friends' sound like they are friends and do not consider you an equal friend, personally if it was me, I'd walk away as true friends wouldn't do this

Reading your update about introducing said friends, I wouldn't mention the holiday to the friends I'd be light and breezy but would not be inviting them out next and would get on with finding other friends. They have sort of shown you they value the friendship with each other over you and not telling you about the holiday was a snake move. Let them miss you a bit op!

Understand how painful this is
Went through something similar
Kids are now teens and as adults the friendships have dissolved because the kids got bigger
There’s no rule against doing what they have done, agree it’s probably baby but it shows they are not kind people
I would stay friends with them but in life try to make sure you have other people around who know have your back

It does hurt when things like this happen and it’s happened to me. However, I’ve also been on the other side and have been away with a family without inviting others that might be considered as part of the same circle. The reason being I can’t think of anything worse than going away as a big group of three families, three sets of parents and kids to arrange, agree, sort. I would so much rather go away with one other family, it makes life simple and easier and more fun. I don’t think you’ve been excluded, just not included this time. Have you ever asked either family about going away? The secrecy would bother me to a degree but when you asked they did tell you what they were up too, didn’t lie about it. I wouldn’t let this affect your friendship.

I go on holiday with different friends, all of whom have children of different ages. I’ve never once left someone out because they have a baby. You invite them and they decide if it’s going to work for them or not.

It’s just nasty to leave someone out because they have a baby, we all had babies at some point!

You don’t know if that’s the reason or not but if it is, I don’t consider it an acceptable one.

Isn't this the point? They probably did feel bad about it, but it doesn't mean they should also feel forced to invite her either. These threads are so frustrating as I wonder how many people commenting actually have healthy friendships or family relationships. I too have felt excluded and hurt from things over my lifetime but don't react by cutting everyone out of my life because they didn't do what I wanted them to.

I actually agree with this. These friends really love the baby, like take her off me for long periods of cuddles, change her nappy, call themselves "aunty" to her. I definitely do not foist her on them at all. It just doesn't sit right that the baby would be the reason, even though others on here seem to think it is. She's a 3rd baby, who gets dragged along to most things and is pretty easy/ happy to do so - not a screamer or whatever reasons might be for excluding us.

I think the posts that chime with me the most are those that suggest I give them a bit of space for now. If they ask what is wrong I might be honest and say so, otherwise just leave it. Would really love to know what it is about me that makes those closest to me just decide I'm not worth it, but perhaps this isn't something I'll ever find out.

Definitely ask how they holiday went and don't feel upset or embarrassed about it.

Op I'm sure it is nothing to do with you, please don't take it personally. If anyone should feel bad about this, it should be your friends. They have behaved badly.

Enjoy your lovely family and be open to finding other friendships. I do feel that friendships have changed a lot in the past few years anyway but you can still make them! Or focus on different ones.

But I don't understand why they didn't mention it to you but put photos up on social media - that seems so strange! Do you think they meet up a lot without you there?

Sorry for all my posts, I just think that you all seem like good friends and that it would be a shame for yoir friendship to end. Your latest post makes me think even more that they felt bad about it. There is also the possibility that maybe they thought you would feel pressured to go with a young baby and might not want to go. I honestly don't think it's about you specifically and you shouldn't take it personally. Who knows maybe they saw some great deal that would only accommodate the two families and that was the reason. Sorry but I try to be an optimist in these situations as good friends are hard to find, and these seem like mostly good ones. Not sure how many people would volunteer to change a nappy! Hope you feel better soon

I think if you start giving them space it might open up more of a gap between you, and it won’t stop you feeling hurt I’m afraid. No advice on this situation, but anyone will tell you that as soon as your children start school you’ll get caught up in a whole new friendship group as your kids start choosing their own friends. Right now it’s a bit miserable and I feel for you but honestly it will pass.

I suspect its because of the baby - they assumed youd not be able to do thus things they wanted to do, so rather than talk to you about it, they hid it from you. They lack integrity, this is on them, not you OP.

Out of curiosity would you have gone? If no, then you've not missed out on anything. I honestlybthink holidaying with friends is overrated anyway...!

I agree with @Phoebo . I wouldn’t be writing off the friendships, or regard it as any kind of death blow that they occasionally opt to do things together without you.

Is there an activity or event that the holiday was based around? I’m sorry OP but I think they behaved really poorly. It sounds like this will cool the friendship so it might be worth asking them in the hope that whatever they say may make you feel better.

Agree.

Is it the sort of thing you would usually do? Would they know for sure you’d have enjoyed it?
I’m a single parent and I remember when my kids were little I had a very good friend who was so helpful and supportive, always there for me, we’d known each other years through thick and thin. Her kids were just a little bit older than mine.
She would regularly have dinner parties, barbecues etc but would rarely invite me. It transpired that they were coupley events that she felt I wouldn’t be comfortable at. At first I was hurt, but then I realised she was right. I wouldn’t have enjoyed all those couples and happy families while my own love-life was in disarray. Plus I hate dinner parties anyway!

Could it be that they thought it wasn’t your sort of thing?

Please don’t get upset over this. I’m much older than you and it happens all through life. And it’s fine!

No one ‘has’ to be included, people have the right to go away/out with whoever they want. Sometimes I’ve been the one left out, sometimes the one doing the leaving out. It can be for any number of reasons - kids don’t get on, differences in money, available accommodation - or even just wanting a smaller break with 2 families that’s easier to manage.

The fact that they didn’t mention it shows they were mindful of your feelings.

Life is hard enough without dwelling on slights, real or imagined. Enjoy their company and don’t drive them away by ‘sad’ comments.

Maybe you suggest a trip which includes all 3 of you ‘now the baby is a bit older’ - take control.

But honestly, if you let your friends take control of your mental well-being, you have a hard road ahead.

I get that you feel left out - especially as your child has asked why they weren't invited.
But, I'd just be light and breezy about it, ask if they had a nice time etc. Do not allude to being left out or hurt. That would only create awkwardness and a guarantee of not being asked another time!
Accept that groups don't always include everyone. I would however be broadening my social circle in the future.
I have lots of overlapping friendship groups and sometimes when an activity is proposed we do actually decide who is (and isn't) included. Just to stop it mushrooming out of control! But it's not that those friends are lesser, just recognising that sometimes you do have to draw a line. I say this full in the knowledge that sometimes it's me who isn't included.