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Original poster

Husband doesn't allow overnight guests

329 replies

Abbi634 · 23/04/2023 00:39

My husband and I recently got married. We live in London and we have 2 spare bedrooms that aren't often used. I thought this would mean we could have friends and family to stay occasionally. But my husband objects.

He won't let me have friends to stay for the night if they're in town. I've told him this wouldn't happen more than once every two months, and that I would take care of everything. But he said no, they should get a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space'. So if a good friend who lives abroad is in London and asks to stay the night, I can't say yes - even though I really want to.

He also objects to close family coming. I suggested that my sister and family could come and stay for a long weekend. She lives the other end of the UK and has two daughters, aged 6 and 4. I love my nieces and I think it would be fun to have them to stay. My husband said no - and said they should stay in a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space' and it would be too much to have them here. (He would however meet up with them during the day for a meal/activities).

He says he is ok with my parents sometimes staying for a weekend, but he said has made it clear he doesn't want it to be often.

I feel sad that I can't be hospitable with our spare rooms. I enjoy having friends and family to stay (doing a nice dinner in the evening, having brunch etc).

I feel he's being unfair. It would not be often - just once every two months or so. Is it reasonable for me to think that? And to be sad about it?

OP posts:
BritInAus · 23/04/2023 00:40

I'm sorry you've married someone who's now shown his controlling side. Why is it down to him to decide what is 'allowed' in your home?

Wereongunoil · 23/04/2023 00:41

Maybe he could stay at a hotel to ensure his space when you have guests🤷

SpringIntoChaos · 23/04/2023 00:42

Was this an issue before you got married, or has it started since?

You know he's a complete arse don't you? He's not your landlord, dictating the rules!

thecaramelwafer · 23/04/2023 00:43

Bollocks to that. This is the start of him alienating you from your family and friends. Tread carefully here as the precedent you set will impact on your and your future children's lives heavily. He needs to compromise and you're not being unreasonable in your requests. Couple of nights max stay would be understandable in a flat but a flat no is controlling

Windbeneathmybingowings · 23/04/2023 00:44

Whilst I understand his point to some degree - I have people in my personal space and having to be “on” all the time - the way he has refused to compromise is an issue.

It isn’t often but could it become more often etc

Crabwoman · 23/04/2023 01:01

Bit controlling this. What will happen if you have kids - they will eventually want friends round/sleepovers etc.

caringcarer · 23/04/2023 01:04

Now you see you have married a dictator who expects to make all marital decisions.

MMmomDD · 23/04/2023 01:08

This is just a beginning. Controlling will only get worse the longer you stay with him.

How long have you even known him before you married him? Seems strange that you only noticed this issue now - did friends not try to come visit before you got married?

JamNittyGritty · 23/04/2023 01:17

“My husband won’t allow….” “He won’t let me…”

These are really worrying statements, it would be one thing to say he doesn’t like it, objects to it, but those two make it clear your relationship is not ok. He is controlling.

Allthenaughtydogs · 23/04/2023 01:17

My DH hates guests - he finds it very stressful and intrusive, but he’d never say ‘no’ to anyone I wanted to stay.
He’d just squirrel himself away for some space and maybe look a little anti-social, but that’s ok, if that’s what he needs to do.

lunaloveroo · 23/04/2023 01:19

What did you do regarding guests before you married? I lived away from my family and friends for 10 years and no way would my dh say they couldn't stay. Obviously I'd run it past him but it was usually once every 8 weeks. It's your home too and you're not asking too much. Huge red controlling flags here.

Ottersmith · 23/04/2023 01:23

Some people are really funny about people staying. You just need to chip away at it I think, until it seems normal. Siblings are always allowed to stay and that's just the rules of life. Like others have said, get him a hotel.

JMSA · 23/04/2023 01:29

YANBU. He is acting like it's only him paying the mortgage. But even then, it wouldn't be ok!

IDontWantToBeAPie · 23/04/2023 01:31

Did you barely know him when you married or something? Surely this is something you'd have come across before you tied the knot?

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2023 01:35

Yeah, no. He's not management and you aren't staff.

Wanttobefree2 · 23/04/2023 01:42

Sounds like my mums husband, they have a big house, two spare rooms, most members of her family aren’t allowed to stay, the exception seems to be if there is a man there for him to talk to, then it’s OK! Completely crazy!

Stripeyhandbag · 23/04/2023 01:42

Is this an arranged marriage?

StockPop · 23/04/2023 02:36

Sorry but what a load of bollocks from PPs. While it might be mean and stingy not to allow overnight guests, that is in no way controlling or coercive behaviour.

People are in charge of their own houses, and they decide whom to allow in. And when two people are boss, they have equal say in banning anyone.

What would be a problem is if he allows his friends to stay overnight but not yours. But if he doesn't allow anyone, that's his absolute right. His house, his right.

Ponderingwindow · 23/04/2023 02:50

I don’t like having houseguests either. Thankfully I married a man who shares my need for solitude. I would hate to have a spouse who was constantly wanting to invite people to stay at your proposed frequency.

this is a pretty fundamental personality clash. Did it not come up while you were dating?

LadyJ2023 · 23/04/2023 02:54

Wow he sounds fun. If my hubby was like that we wouldn't be married. We love having family to stay and your lucky having spare rooms we have them sleeping in floors and sofas haha

Nosleepforthismum · 23/04/2023 03:16

StockPop · 23/04/2023 02:36

Sorry but what a load of bollocks from PPs. While it might be mean and stingy not to allow overnight guests, that is in no way controlling or coercive behaviour.

People are in charge of their own houses, and they decide whom to allow in. And when two people are boss, they have equal say in banning anyone.

What would be a problem is if he allows his friends to stay overnight but not yours. But if he doesn't allow anyone, that's his absolute right. His house, his right.

Well it’s their house not just his, and his needs don’t trump the OP’s.

There has to be a degree of compromise in any marriage/relationship. One party cannot dictate all the rules which is what appears to be happening here and that is why PP’s are calling him controlling.

dreamingoaholiday · 23/04/2023 03:17

Bollocks to that. Do you intend to have DC with him? How will he cope with them? Will their friends be welcome?

Is this the only issue? He sounds controlling and that he doesn't respect you ab an equal.

Is this really the life you want? You don't have to be with him.

StockPop · 23/04/2023 03:24

Nosleepforthismum · 23/04/2023 03:16

Well it’s their house not just his, and his needs don’t trump the OP’s.

There has to be a degree of compromise in any marriage/relationship. One party cannot dictate all the rules which is what appears to be happening here and that is why PP’s are calling him controlling.

Show quote history

And she has just as much right to ban his guests from her house.

This isn't about one person setting all the rules, but about a person asserting a boundary in their space. For whatever reason, be it meanness or anxiety, he doesn't want overnight guests in his house. He's entitled to that right. As of course would she be had the situation been reversed.

Both parties in a relationship have the absolute right to decide who doesn't come into their home.

PeloMom · 23/04/2023 03:35

I also don’t enjoy houseguests and every two months or so or hijacking a long weekend doesn’t sound like fun to me at all. Fortunately my husband understands and we have come to an agreement for some exceptions. Also, he has a massive extended family living abroad/ far away where I feel if we say yes, we can’t say yes to some but not to others and there’d be someone around at least 50% of the time and that’s just not a situation I can live in. Is this how he may feel- if your friends and family are allowed to visit, from once every two months it becomes more frequent and then he’d feel like his house has been overtaken?

greenspaces4peace · 23/04/2023 03:40

this behavior is certainly alienation from family and friends and i would say controlling especially if his blanket denial trumps that of his partner.
this to me would be a huge red flag to other problematic unreasonable views.