Husband doesn't allow overnight guests

[Abbi634]

My husband and I recently got married. We live in London and we have 2 spare bedrooms that aren't often used. I thought this would mean we could have friends and family to stay occasionally. But my husband objects.

He won't let me have friends to stay for the night if they're in town. I've told him this wouldn't happen more than once every two months, and that I would take care of everything. But he said no, they should get a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space'. So if a good friend who lives abroad is in London and asks to stay the night, I can't say yes - even though I really want to.

He also objects to close family coming. I suggested that my sister and family could come and stay for a long weekend. She lives the other end of the UK and has two daughters, aged 6 and 4. I love my nieces and I think it would be fun to have them to stay. My husband said no - and said they should stay in a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space' and it would be too much to have them here. (He would however meet up with them during the day for a meal/activities).

He says he is ok with my parents sometimes staying for a weekend, but he said has made it clear he doesn't want it to be often.

I feel sad that I can't be hospitable with our spare rooms. I enjoy having friends and family to stay (doing a nice dinner in the evening, having brunch etc).

I feel he's being unfair. It would not be often - just once every two months or so. Is it reasonable for me to think that? And to be sad about it?

I ment to say Any , not every way,
he feels personal power dimishing in any way

The thing that strikes me is that there's no discussion from your husband about what his issue is. If he genuinely struggles with guests (for whatever reason) then at least talking about it could mean a compromise. But... he appears not to have said anything other than 'no'. I would find that worrying as a married couple.

I'm an introvert and my husband is an extrovert. We socialise but less frequently as a couple than my husband would ideally like but more frequently than I would plan to. We meet in the middle and I'm sure this is what most couples do.

Do not bring kids into the mix. Our kids enjoy having friends over to play and the odd sleepover. Grandparents want to come and see them too. I find entertaining other kids really hard, but I put a smile on and get on with it for the benefit of my children.

@thedancingbear

Fgs. Here we go again. Neurodiverse = ‘controlling and coercive’. it’s offensive, prejudiced, disablist shit. @beautifulyoungmind, please stop.

Those who are autistic are less able to compromise and be laissez-faire about life. It's just a fact that they generally need things to be more ordered and controlled.

Suggesting that the OP's DH may be neurodiverse is an attempt to recognise that his behaviour may be understandable. Rather, I'd argue that writing him off as "controlling and coercive" without any consideration that neurodivergence may be a cause is, in fact, disablist.

And this is a bonkers response! So you're saying that unless the response in a relationship is 'yes dear anything you want' it's a red flag?!
I can't imagine how frustrating it would be knowing my spouse was offering our house as a stop over place to everyone whenever they wanted. And every 2 months? What if he works weekends and his only free weekends are full of noise and visitors, or if he's needing to sleep but can't because op is being the good host?+

Hmmm did you discuss this before buying together?

Personally, I don't have anyone to stay here apart from family (both sides). My partner would love for his friends to come and stay but they are really loud and would be out drinking every night, so that's a hard no from me when there are children in the house. The last thing I want to do is share my house and compete with hungover men for the bathroom - NO WAY.

I also don't stay at other peoples houses as I like my own space, hotels all the way!

I couldn't (and wouldn't) put up with this. Utterly controlling! How have you married someone who is like this without knowing? Did you not live together before marriage?

I’m ND and I really can’t stand having guests.

I wouldn’t stop my partner if he wanted people round but I wouldn’t be able to cope with it to much. Once a month would be overload for me, I may be able to manage every other month.

Yes I'd hate it

Along with the 'helpful' suggestions that he fuck to a hotel when she has people to stay. Be ousted from your own bloody home because of people staying??? How outrageous, I'd be furious

She should book a hotel and have her friends and family there if its so necessary that they stay overnight somewhere.

I think I’d let him have whole a lot more space.

My first major relationship ended up being a very controlling one and I felt like a massive weight had been lifted once it ended. I hope that it isn’t the case here, but if it is then I urge you to consider if you want to be married to a controlling man.

Are you for real?

It is your joint home so start off being respectful of one another and make good habits.
It is perfectly reasonable for you to have close relatives or friends to stay from time to time for one or two nights at your home - if you have the space, if they are polite guests, if you can afford to host them and if the dates don't clash with plans you and your husband have made. (Or restful weekends that you planned alone.)
To have guests up to six times per year with weeks in between sounds enjoyable. Try it. Have some one to stay and get your husband used to the fact that he shares a home with you.
He does not live with a powerless, invisible ghost.

I'm sorry you married Mr Scrooge.

It is perfectly usual social / family behaviour, in a happy-enough family, to have a sibling stay the night if they live far away.

The OP does not mention it being his only weekend home / shift work etc.

I suppose it is not surprising that an online forum has a higher proportion of people who are more averse to generally acceptable levels of social interaction.

But in RL I know no one who is as ‘I can’t have people staying in my home’ as I see regularly on MN.

Surely some if it is anxiety / some sort of trait?

And it's OP's home too. Why do his wishes override hers?

I'm wasn't keen on overnight stays either, but I would never have dreamed of saying that my DH's family (who lived three hours away) couldn't stay. In the early days I just made sure that I had some space of my own (and my inlaws understood that I would go to my bedrooom and read, without taking it personally). And of course I gradually got used to it and now, though it's a bit stressful, I actually enjoy having people here. I had Australian relatives staying here here for five days rcently, and loved it. I would never have imagined that back when I first had my own home.

They both live there, does he get the final say in everything that he doesn't like / want? That's not much of a marriage.

I have mixed feeling about this. He is being so ridgid that it does seem controlling, and it's as much your home as his. And not giving your sister seems particularly harsh when you live so far away.

But having said that, visitors can be hard work for some people (including me) and as you live somewhere popular to visit, the visitors could be frequent / want to stay often / longer. I know you say you'd limit it, but actually a whole weekend every two months seems quite a lot to me, particularly if these are people your husband isn't close to. And also once you started having people, how good would you be at saying 'no' if people asked more often or wanted to stay longer? These things can easily spiral.

Plenty of Mumsnet threads advising people to just say no to visitors they don't want, but when the man is doing it it's assumed he is abusive.

I think compromise is the only reasonable way forward here - maybe only family (including your sister) and a few very very close friends, and for an agreed maximum eg the once every two months includes your parents visits, which I get the impression were extra to that on your post, or once every 4 months instead. And an agreed maximum of one or 2 nights, with plenty of warning so he can arrange to go other things if he wants to get away? But you will have to be strong in saying no to anymore if people ask.

Because bringing someone in to the home when he doesnt want them there is much more of an impact on not bringing the person into the home

He has already compromised in any case.

I would be furious if my OH insisted that someone come to stay and I didnt want that and if I started a MN thread about it everyone would be saying he was controlling and why does he get the final say blah blah blah.

In situations where there is a binary choice, one person has to have the final say. in this case it seems as if its OP given she has forced him to accept someone coming to stay anyway.

Nice for him eh?

Hmm.

Well, to be fair it needs to be 50:50.

That means if there are 2 weekends a month he can refuse guests there are also 2 weekends a month you can invite guests.

We all know you won't have people stay every fortnight so in reality he gets much, much more of his wish than you do yours. But that's fine because they're yours if you ever need them.

Problem solved.

And he can't sulk, otherwise he has to accept that he's being controlling, and if he's being controlling over this then you can be sure he is over other stuff too.

If he's controlling he will eat at who you are and in 10 years you'll break up and have to get to know yourself all over again because you will only be a shadow of your former self.

And if you're together for 10 years before you're no longer together anymore then there's a chance children will be on the scene, and in which case you've now subjected them to a controlling parent and they can't escape that quite as easily as you can.

So it might be better to settle this now rather than squander 10 years of your life that you won't ever get back. Just a thought.

He has already compromised in any case.

Refusing to let someone stay 1 or 2 nights in 50 or so isn't much of a compromise... It's not like it's every other weekend.

Because bringing someone in to the home when he doesnt want them there is much more of an impact on not bringing the person into the home

No it doesn't @bellac11 . OP not letting her sister stay will fundamentally affect their relationship. Likewise the visitor from abroad...I'd be mortified not to be able to host her and the friend would be bemused. That affects friendships and reciprocal arrangements.

This.

I would be furious if my OH insisted that someone come to stay and I didnt want that and if I started a MN thread about it everyone would be saying he was controlling and why does he get the final say blah blah blah.

No they wouldn't. If you refused to let his brother stay (in the absence of any reason other than you don't like anyone staying overnight) the majority of MNers would almost certainly support your OH and say your were BU.

Dont be so ridiculous, a sister relationship doesnt depend on whether one can host the other, all these sister relationships up and down the land breaking down because neither have space to host the other.

The friend might be bemused, thats on them. Perhaps you need to be less dramatic if you would be 'mortified'. What would you do if you lived in a bedsit

I always hated having guests to stay - apart from close relatives because they can just get on and do their own thing and know me very well so I don't have to be "on" for them.

I hated the idea of my sanctuary being treated like a hotel. I find that when I make friends who live outside London and they find out that I have a lovely place in London in a nice area AND that I live alone their faces light up and they start suggesting that they can stay with me whenever they're in town. They have no idea about how panicked the suggestion makes me.

I have to say however that once I push beyond my comfort zone it has always been a nice experience to have someone to stay, but I still panic if I think that they are going to make it a regular thing.

There is always a reason behind all behaviours isn't there? Mine is that I was once in a violent relationship. My ex had moved into my last house and completely taken it over both physically, emotionally and mentally. when I broke free and was still alive I was so overcome with joy and just love to inhabit my space freely. Now I value my space so much. I can't see myself ever permanently sharing my space again.

I would go gently with your dh and at first come to some agreement that you will have one guest to stay for a short time (one night?). If he can't even entertain the possibility then you might well be in a controlling relationship. By the way, has he said why he so objects to the possibility?

I dont think so. Particularly if I had said that I dont want this and dont feel comfortable and he had foisted it anyway and the brother was coming a few times a year. It would be all about how I need boundaries and no is a complete sentence.