Page 4 | Husband doesn't allow overnight guests

Abbi634 · 2023-04-22T23:39:41+00:00

My husband and I recently got married. We live in London and we have 2 spare bedrooms that aren't often used. I thought this would mean we could have friends and family to stay occasionally. But my husband objects. He won't let me have friends to stay for the night if they're in town. I've told him this wouldn't happen more than once every two months, and that I would take care of everything. But he said no, they should get a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space'. So if a good friend who lives abroad is in London and asks to stay the night, I can't say yes - even though I really want to. He also objects to close family coming. I suggested that my sister and family could come and stay for a long weekend. She lives the other end of the UK and has two daughters, aged 6 and 4. I love my nieces and I think it would be fun to have them to stay. My husband said no - and said they should stay in a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space' and it would be too much to have them here. (He would however meet up with them during the day for a meal/activities). He says he is ok with my parents sometimes staying for a weekend, but he said has made it clear he doesn't want it to be often. I feel sad that I can't be hospitable with our spare rooms. I enjoy having friends and family to stay (doing a nice dinner in the evening, having brunch etc). I feel he's being unfair. It would not be often - just once every two months or so. Is it reasonable for me to think that? And to be sad about it?

Ohrwurm · 23/04/2023 07:47

Sorry, phone froze and I ended up pressing post. I live in my husband's country and if he said my friends and family weren't allowed to come stay, it would be a deal-breaker for me as it's something I see as very important to me.

GrandIllusion · 23/04/2023 07:49

I would be worried he only married you to double the size of the property he could afford to live in splendid isolation from others with this attitude!!

Really hope he's not using you to fund a property he could not afford without your input!

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/04/2023 07:51

I have read this exact same thread before in the last couple of weeks.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 23/04/2023 07:53

I can sort of see his point that he doesn’t want his extra rooms to be treated as hotel rooms but I do think that family and the odd overnight guest is fine and he does sound controlling.

What’s he like in other ways? Has he changed since you got married?

Worked for a divorce lawyer for 2 years and sadly some people do change and get more controlling after marriage.

SideBob · 23/04/2023 07:53

unsync · 23/04/2023 07:46

He's not being unfair, he's being controlling. He is alienating you from family and friends. What happens when you tell him its your home too and he doesn't get to dictate who can and can't stay? Does he sulk until you give in? Refuse to talk to you? How is he with money? What happens if you don't feel like being intimate with him?

You need to think very carefully about staying with this man. Domestic Abuse isn't only violence.

This isn't domestic abuse. He's being uncompromising and it's annoying for op. Nobody is alienated because family don't sleep overnight.

It may well be worked out soon. Don't tell me you've never said 'no' in reaction to something.

Even the 'not allowed' phrasing is OP's words, not a direct quote. A disagreement between a couple is not automatically controlling or abusive.

pictoosh · 23/04/2023 07:53

By what authority does he get to 'allow' or 'disallow' ordinary expectations such as having friends or family to stay?

Why don't you tell him where to fucking go? Are you afraid of him?

CurlewKate · 23/04/2023 07:55

@justlurkinghere "DH once invited a work colleague he'd met once to stay with us for a few weeks when I was very pregnant and had young kids."

Yep. Because that is EXACTLY the same as the OP having her sister to stay for a weekend every 2 months....

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 07:56

@StockPop

Why? Nobody has the need to host overnight guests. Sure it would be nice if you were willing and able, but if for whatever reason you can't, so what? This isn't even about a personal need/want of the OP not being fulfilled. It's about the convenience of her friends and family. Well why should their convenience trump that of her husband, who is actually a shared owner of the house?

Of course it's not a "need"... But a successful marriage isn't built on the other half allowing someone's basic need for shelter and sustenance being met.

The only grounds for the DH being reasonable here is if he has mental health issues that are severely aggravated by having house guests. Otherwise, a couple of nights every couple of months should be something he can compromise on.

Fairislefandango · 23/04/2023 07:57

Why? Nobody has the need to host overnight guests. Sure it would be nice if you were willing and able, but if for whatever reason you can't, so what?

Who says she can't? Why does the husband automatically get his way? Perhaps he should go and stay in a hotel while the OP hosts her family! And who says nobody needs to host overnight guests? If the OP's family lived a long way away and couldn't afford hotels, how would she see them otherwise?

justlurkinghere · 23/04/2023 07:57

CurlewKate · 23/04/2023 07:55

@justlurkinghere "DH once invited a work colleague he'd met once to stay with us for a few weeks when I was very pregnant and had young kids."

Yep. Because that is EXACTLY the same as the OP having her sister to stay for a weekend every 2 months....

It's not but if it's his house too ...?

Every two months for guests would be too much for me, unless it was just one night. Maybe if it's parents every two months for a weekend and they live far away. But if it's parents, then siblings then friends, all fitted between or also regularly? It gets to be a lot.

Emmamoo89 · 23/04/2023 07:58

Yanbu x

DiscoBeat · 23/04/2023 07:59

But my husband objects.

He won't let me

he said no

I can't say yes

he said has made it clear

I would not like to live like this and would be getting out of this relationship before children came along.

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 07:59

DH once invited a work colleague he'd met once to stay with us for a few weeks when I was very pregnant and had young kids. I was having a home birth and the guests would have been there throughout. He'd have been at work all day. The guests would have been mine to care for. I started making arrangements to move out while the guests were there, and to birth at a friend's home. Fortunately for DH he cancelled the guest. Some posts here make me think some people would think I should have accepted it because it's DH's home too?

This is obviously a COMPLETELY different situation!

justlurkinghere · 23/04/2023 07:59

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 07:59

DH once invited a work colleague he'd met once to stay with us for a few weeks when I was very pregnant and had young kids. I was having a home birth and the guests would have been there throughout. He'd have been at work all day. The guests would have been mine to care for. I started making arrangements to move out while the guests were there, and to birth at a friend's home. Fortunately for DH he cancelled the guest. Some posts here make me think some people would think I should have accepted it because it's DH's home too?

This is obviously a COMPLETELY different situation!

But it's his house too, so why doesn't he get to have his guests?!

bellac11 · 23/04/2023 08:01

If he doesnt feel comfortable with people staying then thats fair enough.

People's homes need to feel comfortable for them and once you have someone staying overnight some people dont like that.

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 08:04

@justlurkinghere

It's not but if it's his house too ...? Every two months for guests would be too much for me, unless it was just one night. Maybe if it's parents every two months for a weekend and they live far away. But if it's parents, then siblings then friends, all fitted between or also regularly? It gets to be a lot.

This is about reasonable compromise in a marriage. The OP banning virtually all overnight stays isn't a reasonable compromise in my opinion... Whereas you objecting to someone you don't really know staying for many weeks, especially whilst pregnant, would have been reasonable.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 23/04/2023 08:05

justlurkinghere · 23/04/2023 06:58

I have mixed feelings. Is this a 'two yes's' situation? Compromise should allow for the amount and frequency of visitors to be negotiated. I'd definitely have a problem with it if he was allowed visitors but she wasn't. I do think that imposing visitors on someone shouldn't be a unilateral decision though. The big picture counts for a lot here. Does he restrict access to family and friends in other ways?

DH once invited a work colleague he'd met once to stay with us for a few weeks when I was very pregnant and had young kids. I was having a home birth and the guests would have been there throughout. He'd have been at work all day. The guests would have been mine to care for. I started making arrangements to move out while the guests were there, and to birth at a friend's home. Fortunately for DH he cancelled the guest. Some posts here make me think some people would think I should have accepted it because it's DH's home too?

How is that the same? 😆

MichelleScarn · 23/04/2023 08:05

YouAreNotBatman · 23/04/2023 04:53

This.

I swear MN has some kind of bet going on who can say ’controlling’ the fastest.
I swear it’s in almost all posts these days.

Show quote history

Absolutely! And it's getting ridiculous!
'Aibu to only want to shop at waitrose despite our family incoming dropping by 70%? Dh says we need to look at aldi now'

First response would be ' ohmaagawd' that's super controlling!! Get out now! You're entitled to 99% of the house, his income and pension. DONT LET HIM CONTROL YOU!!' 🙄

justlurkinghere · 23/04/2023 08:06

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 08:04

@justlurkinghere

It's not but if it's his house too ...? Every two months for guests would be too much for me, unless it was just one night. Maybe if it's parents every two months for a weekend and they live far away. But if it's parents, then siblings then friends, all fitted between or also regularly? It gets to be a lot.

This is about reasonable compromise in a marriage. The OP banning virtually all overnight stays isn't a reasonable compromise in my opinion... Whereas you objecting to someone you don't really know staying for many weeks, especially whilst pregnant, would have been reasonable.

I agree and I know my example was a bit extreme for the situation here. I'd be more comfortable if OP was able to say no to his having guests too. That's at least equal refusal. If he can have guests and she can't, then there's alarm bells all over the place. I agree that compromise is the most important thing.

coretext · 23/04/2023 08:06

It's debatable whether it's controlling or not. Only the OP will be able to figure that one out with time. But it's fundamentally a complete personality clash.

I'm like you OP and I live for entertaining and hosting. I love nothing more than opening the door and looking after guests. I couldn't marry a partner who did t share the same view.

What I don't understand is how you haven't ironed this issue out before now?

unsync · 23/04/2023 08:07

SideBob · 23/04/2023 07:53

This isn't domestic abuse. He's being uncompromising and it's annoying for op. Nobody is alienated because family don't sleep overnight.

It may well be worked out soon. Don't tell me you've never said 'no' in reaction to something.

Even the 'not allowed' phrasing is OP's words, not a direct quote. A disagreement between a couple is not automatically controlling or abusive.

Show quote history

You do realise that DA ramps up don't you? It starts slowly, with things, just like the OP has said. It's why I asked about the other aspects. It can be so subtle you don't even realise it until you are stuck.

beautifulyoungmind · 23/04/2023 08:10

A different take on all the controlling/coercive/dictatorial views but is it possible your husband is somewhere on the spectrum? It's really common to absolutely hate house visitors, especially overnight guests. I speak as someone who husband & teenage children are & it's never been something we've been able to do much. They can't bear it.

SideBob · 23/04/2023 08:11

@unsync fair enough to add info just in case but this, right here, is not controlling or abuse. We've all said 'no' instinctively to something we don't want and usually we end up compromising.

Otherwise any minor dispute would need a DA pamphlet. Sometimes you just have to take things at face value

Op feels like she's not allowed be but we don't know if he actually said that. It sounds like a not uncommon interaction where one person strongly disagrees to an arrangement

MysteryBelle · 23/04/2023 08:11

While you should be able to have friends and family over and you were very willing to compromise, personally I think his stance is a point in his favor 😂 I kinda feel the same. I’m at the point where I don’t want to deal with overnight guests and to be honest, I prefer to sleep in my own bed at night these days 😍

Dibbydoos · 23/04/2023 08:13

The fact he's not saying no outright suggests he may have some anxiety issue he's controlling versus trying to control you. So, I'd talk to him again. Say you're inviting abc to come stay - Im hoping he knows abc already but if not you need to introduce him to them ahead of them staying so he's comfortable woth it - and that you'd like his agreement but if you can't have that it's happening anyway.

I have to admit if my DH had wanted his mates staying over frequently, I might have had an issue with that esp after we had kids...