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Original poster

Husband doesn't allow overnight guests

329 replies

Abbi634 · 23/04/2023 00:39

My husband and I recently got married. We live in London and we have 2 spare bedrooms that aren't often used. I thought this would mean we could have friends and family to stay occasionally. But my husband objects.

He won't let me have friends to stay for the night if they're in town. I've told him this wouldn't happen more than once every two months, and that I would take care of everything. But he said no, they should get a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space'. So if a good friend who lives abroad is in London and asks to stay the night, I can't say yes - even though I really want to.

He also objects to close family coming. I suggested that my sister and family could come and stay for a long weekend. She lives the other end of the UK and has two daughters, aged 6 and 4. I love my nieces and I think it would be fun to have them to stay. My husband said no - and said they should stay in a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space' and it would be too much to have them here. (He would however meet up with them during the day for a meal/activities).

He says he is ok with my parents sometimes staying for a weekend, but he said has made it clear he doesn't want it to be often.

I feel sad that I can't be hospitable with our spare rooms. I enjoy having friends and family to stay (doing a nice dinner in the evening, having brunch etc).

I feel he's being unfair. It would not be often - just once every two months or so. Is it reasonable for me to think that? And to be sad about it?

OP posts:
justlurkinghere · 23/04/2023 08:13

MysteryBelle · 23/04/2023 08:11

While you should be able to have friends and family over and you were very willing to compromise, personally I think his stance is a point in his favor 😂 I kinda feel the same. I’m at the point where I don’t want to deal with overnight guests and to be honest, I prefer to sleep in my own bed at night these days 😍

I'm at the point where if DH invited guests I didn't want over, I'd relish the opportunity to take a weekend away having adventures. He can go for it. 😁

Whenharrymetsmelly · 23/04/2023 08:15

beautifulyoungmind · 23/04/2023 08:10

A different take on all the controlling/coercive/dictatorial views but is it possible your husband is somewhere on the spectrum? It's really common to absolutely hate house visitors, especially overnight guests. I speak as someone who husband & teenage children are & it's never been something we've been able to do much. They can't bear it.

Why does someone always have to be on the spectrum!!?

MysteryBelle · 23/04/2023 08:15

justlurkinghere · 23/04/2023 08:13

I'm at the point where if DH invited guests I didn't want over, I'd relish the opportunity to take a weekend away having adventures. He can go for it. 😁

Show quote history

That’s a good idea, I must say 😏😁

Freefall212 · 23/04/2023 08:20

That is a lot of houseguests - friends staying over whenever they are in the city, sister coming from far to stay with children, parents coming to stay for weekends.

It sounds like he has maybe gone for a blanket 'no' to avoid having to get into a debate about each person who wants to come to their house and stay.

It depends on the dynamic in the couple. If he is really rigid about a lot of things that is different from him having boundaries about a few specific things. Knowing each other's personalities before moving in together is important. We also don't know the history and if there is a foundation for his concerns about house guests. We don't know if she has her own boundaries and things she has said no to reagarding their home as well.

The whole debate about 'allow' and "its her home too so she can do what she wants" is strong language but not really the reality. She could say she doesn't allow smoking in the house and if he said, "no it is my house too and so I can do smoke all I want" - she would not be called a controlling abusive freak. There should be an understading that when an action impacts on both people, then it needs to get hashed out. And that a hard no to some things is okay - people have boundaries and deal breakers for them - especially when it comes to making their home a safe and comfortable and relaxing place to be. Whether having or not having guests is a deal breaker for either of them is something only they can decide.

VincentVaguer · 23/04/2023 08:22

This is another thread where the majority of the responses are not what normal, RL people do. There's been three this weekend and two have been zapped.

Natsku · 23/04/2023 08:22

It was a red flag when my ex did this, the start of him trying to alienate me from my family and friends, culminating in trying to stop me flying home to visit my parents.
This is a situation in which a healthy couple finds a compromise - less often visits/shorter visits/or family only so that its not too difficult for the introverted partner (that's if the reason is introversion and not just plain old controlling behaviour) but the other partner still gets to have their guests stay occasionally. My partner is pretty introverted but I live abroad so when my parents come to stay its a minimum of two weeks otherwise there's no point with the cost of flights and all but its no more often than once a year so its a fair compromise.

TheKobayashiMaru · 23/04/2023 08:26

Why does he get the final say?

RichardHeed · 23/04/2023 08:26

This is another thread where the majority of the responses are not what normal
The majority of people on MN are not normal, never mind the responses.

Schnooze · 23/04/2023 08:27

It’s unreasonable not to let dsis stay at the very least.

What else are you not allowed to do op?

Squamata · 23/04/2023 08:29

It's not his space though, is it? It's both of yours.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2023 08:29

I don't think it's controlling to say you're uncomfortable with people you don't know very well staying overnight in your home.

You say he's happy for your parents to stay occasionally, and that he's happy to go on day trips with your family, so I don't think he's trying to isolate you or control who you spend time with - he just wants his house to be his private space. Lots of people feel the same.

If the guests you're inviting are your friends and family (rather than mutual friends you've met as a couple), then I can kind of see his point. He probably feels awkward and unable to relax if he has people he doesn't know very well staying in his home.

VincentVaguer · 23/04/2023 08:29

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 06:04

Yes, though these people aren't introverts (which I am) but anti-social recluses.

Show quote history

Quite.

EverydayParis · 23/04/2023 08:33

You will not enjoy life with this person, missing out on deep and rich connection and time with the many other people you love.

WimpoleHat · 23/04/2023 08:35

I also don’t enjoy houseguests and every two months or so or hijacking a long weekend doesn’t sound like fun to me at all.

I feel a bit like this - and unless it’s someone I really like and want to see, I find houseguests pretty high stress. And maybe the OP’s DH sees the two London spare rooms and feels like he’s staring down the barrel of an endless stream of people wanting free accommodation. Whether the hotel point is reasonable also depends very much on how well off people are. I have two friends from university who are both single; one used to stay with the other in London a lot. Now they’re both older and wealthier, the non London friend still regularly goes for weekends, but he stays in a hotel. That way they both have their space and can make their own arrangements without imposing/having to share a bathroom etc.

Compromise has to be key here, I think. Your parents and your sister once or twice a year for a night or two? Pretty unreasonable of him to object. An endless stream of “friends in town”? Less so. I think you have to get that he actively doesn’t enjoy it, even though you do.

Goodread1 · 23/04/2023 08:36

@StockPop

It's the 21 century,

And Hey Euroka women are individuals and have every right to have the right to speak and feel the way they do,

And to speak up for themselves too,

Have you heard this that marriage and relationships are about a equal partnership,
!!!!

Not just the female worshipping the one who possess a Penis, all the freaking time. !

It's not a case of what his lordship says, and you bow to your inferiors L.o.l 😄

Get a life @StockPop !

If you are into real life BSM (Bondage and being Submissive type of relationship !?

You go for it..

Vast majority of women on here are not

Tra Tra with your outdated backdated emotionally dangerous 😳 point 👉 of view ...

Businessflake · 23/04/2023 08:39

I’m really sorry OP but it looks like you married a twat at best, at worst a controlling, abusive twat.

You have a fundamental difference in personalities that unfortunately will impact the relationship you have with your friends and family. It sounds to me like that’s exactly what he wants, he’s starting to try and cut you off from the people you want to spend time with.

thedancingbear · 23/04/2023 08:40

beautifulyoungmind · 23/04/2023 08:10

A different take on all the controlling/coercive/dictatorial views but is it possible your husband is somewhere on the spectrum? It's really common to absolutely hate house visitors, especially overnight guests. I speak as someone who husband & teenage children are & it's never been something we've been able to do much. They can't bear it.

Fgs. Here we go again. Neurodiverse = ‘controlling and coercive’.

it’s offensive, prejudiced, disablist shit. @beautifulyoungmind, please stop.

Pyaar · 23/04/2023 08:43

He has accepted your parents staying so this is him making a compromise, he probably doesn't want them to come either.

I dont blame him, i hate having people staying over and every 2 months that your suggesting is way too often.

Only you know if he's strict in general but if he's just very particular who he has in his home then i dont think he's unreasonable. But of course it's understandable that you're disappointed.

bellac11 · 23/04/2023 08:45

TheKobayashiMaru · 23/04/2023 08:26

Why does he get the final say?

Why does she?

At the end of the day both need to feel comfortable in their own homes and you cant expect someone to have people stay if they're not comfortable with that

It doesnt affect her in the same way if they dont stay, it does affect him if they do stay and he has already compromised by her parents staying now and then.

MissMarplesbag · 23/04/2023 08:49

Are his friends and family welcome to stay over because if they are, then you have a problem. My ex sil had her family staying over regularly and hosted them for meals but bil was never allowed to invite anybody because of her 'anxiety'.

Goodread1 · 23/04/2023 08:50

This is a bloody Massive Warning flag 😳 right there @Abbi634

In a relationship of any kind Compromise the ability to respect each others as individuals and each others point of view is essentially needed,

His idea take point of view is all about his own selfish wants and needs

All about you Comprising yourself to such extant you end up like a Big Top circus 🎪 Contorist Act or a American water theme park imprisoned captured 🎭 performing Dolphin 🐬 Act .!

Wrong Wrong on all levels ...

Take heed and really listen

You will seriously regret listening to his point of view

Trust me on this...

He is a 💯 per cent A grade Control freak

It will get probably even Worse
If he knows you will bow down to his every Commands and whims whenever he feels like it or feels his personal power dimishing in every way...

When will it ever stop

The Answer is Never

It will just transmute it all kinds of ways potentially further down the line

You have been ⚠️ Warned

Please listen for your emotional Sanity and well being

Moveoverdarlin · 23/04/2023 08:50

He should F off to a hotel while you have your nieces to stay. He’ll be useless if you ever have children, he can kiss goodbye to his own space forever more.

SOMumm · 23/04/2023 08:51

Wereongunoil · 23/04/2023 00:41

Maybe he could stay at a hotel to ensure his space when you have guests🤷

this made me laugh, excellent idea

Goodread1 · 23/04/2023 08:52

Oops sorry Typo mistake

Bunnywabbity · 23/04/2023 08:53

How have you got in to a situation where your DH is your boss? What would happen if you said no, i will have family and friends to stay on occasion? Are you frightened of his response?

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