Husband doesn't allow overnight guests

[Abbi634]

My husband and I recently got married. We live in London and we have 2 spare bedrooms that aren't often used. I thought this would mean we could have friends and family to stay occasionally. But my husband objects.

He won't let me have friends to stay for the night if they're in town. I've told him this wouldn't happen more than once every two months, and that I would take care of everything. But he said no, they should get a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space'. So if a good friend who lives abroad is in London and asks to stay the night, I can't say yes - even though I really want to.

He also objects to close family coming. I suggested that my sister and family could come and stay for a long weekend. She lives the other end of the UK and has two daughters, aged 6 and 4. I love my nieces and I think it would be fun to have them to stay. My husband said no - and said they should stay in a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space' and it would be too much to have them here. (He would however meet up with them during the day for a meal/activities).

He says he is ok with my parents sometimes staying for a weekend, but he said has made it clear he doesn't want it to be often.

I feel sad that I can't be hospitable with our spare rooms. I enjoy having friends and family to stay (doing a nice dinner in the evening, having brunch etc).

I feel he's being unfair. It would not be often - just once every two months or so. Is it reasonable for me to think that? And to be sad about it?

I couldn't live like that, OP. I can understand him not wanting anyone living with you, or outstaying their welcome, but to not have anyone stay overnight? That's so unreasonable and then for him to say he earns more so has more say is absolutely awful.

I suppose it's not exactly a zombie thread but more "zombie-adjacent". The basic problem here is that if people have to stay in hotels to come and see you, especially your family, then you will rarely see them. Without him saying "you're only allowed to see your family rarely" he is controlling your ability to see your family. It is isolating and when you have children it will hamper your ability to have support - but by then it will be too late. Once a woman has children she becomes much more vulnerable as a matter of fact, as she has to care for the children 24/7/265 except when the father agrees to care for them (which he never has to, and therefore it can be used as a means of control), as she has to meet their basic needs, which takes money (another way she can be controlled) and because she has to support herself which is more difficult when she has to do 24/7/365 care for the children. So being with a husband who is willing to cut off your access to family support by dictating whether your family can stay in your house (i.e. because of his preference, not because those family members are abusive or anything) can leave you vulnerable to subsequent controlling behaviors and IS a controlling behavior.

Hi OP! I’m in the exact same boat as you. My husband refuses to allow any family (let alone friends) to spend the night. I’m a typical “nice person” who does have some issues enforcing boundaries (I’m working on this). So my husband thinks that once he lets one family member, then the flood gates are open. I also would like it to be like once every two months. I enjoy waking up to my family in the house. It’s how I grew up. Not how he grew up though. It seems like his mom also didn’t allow houseguests. She did early in her marriage, and the family stayed for much much longer than expected and then she just shut down all overnight visits all together. My husband is “ok” with my family but many things bother him (common for in-laws IMO).

would love to hear how you are doing now OP? I’m having a hard time myself. My husband is a great dad, and a wonderful husband in many other ways but this bothers me SO MUCH. People are so quick to say “divorce”. But I don’t want a divorce. I just want to compromise.

anyone have any suggestions or past experience dealing with this?

I'm a man who is generally introverted and definitely need my own space much of the time but this is ridiculous. Maybe if it were every weekend and every other Wednesday it would be justifiable but not at at the frequency you have suggested. He seems incredibly selfish.