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Original poster

Husband doesn't allow overnight guests

329 replies

Abbi634 · 23/04/2023 00:39

My husband and I recently got married. We live in London and we have 2 spare bedrooms that aren't often used. I thought this would mean we could have friends and family to stay occasionally. But my husband objects.

He won't let me have friends to stay for the night if they're in town. I've told him this wouldn't happen more than once every two months, and that I would take care of everything. But he said no, they should get a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space'. So if a good friend who lives abroad is in London and asks to stay the night, I can't say yes - even though I really want to.

He also objects to close family coming. I suggested that my sister and family could come and stay for a long weekend. She lives the other end of the UK and has two daughters, aged 6 and 4. I love my nieces and I think it would be fun to have them to stay. My husband said no - and said they should stay in a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space' and it would be too much to have them here. (He would however meet up with them during the day for a meal/activities).

He says he is ok with my parents sometimes staying for a weekend, but he said has made it clear he doesn't want it to be often.

I feel sad that I can't be hospitable with our spare rooms. I enjoy having friends and family to stay (doing a nice dinner in the evening, having brunch etc).

I feel he's being unfair. It would not be often - just once every two months or so. Is it reasonable for me to think that? And to be sad about it?

OP posts:
gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 06:02

Guavafish1 · 23/04/2023 04:09

What was it like before you married?

I guess some people don't want continuous guest and want to relax in their own home. I think you need to compromise.

So maybe every 4-6 months instead of 2 monthly.

Hopefully he will agree with a compromise.

Once every couple of months hardly equates to a continuous stream of guests. A halfway reasonable person would accommodate this even if they really disliked having guests.

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 06:04

Peapodburgundybouquet · 23/04/2023 05:08

The ‘I’m an introvert’ brigade are out, vocally in support of the husband.

They share a home. They share a decision.

Yes, though these people aren't introverts (which I am) but anti-social recluses.

StockPop · 23/04/2023 06:16

He's not imposing his will on her, it's the other way around.

Bringing in a guest into a shared home, is imposing the guest on the other owner/user of the home. The way I see it, if either owner is uncomfortable with having a guest foisted on them, the other has no right to do it.

I'd say the same thing if the genders were reversed too. Neither the husband or the wife has the right to bring someone into the house if it will make their partner uncomfortable. That's just basic shared property etiquette.

StockPop · 23/04/2023 06:22

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 06:02

Once every couple of months hardly equates to a continuous stream of guests. A halfway reasonable person would accommodate this even if they really disliked having guests.

Show quote history

Why? Nobody has the need to host overnight guests. Sure it would be nice if you were willing and able, but if for whatever reason you can't, so what?

This isn't even about a personal need/want of the OP not being fulfilled. It's about the convenience of her friends and family. Well why should their convenience trump that of her husband, who is actually a shared owner of the house?

Oopswediditagain2023 · 23/04/2023 06:27

To be honest I am the same. I love having people over and I like the idea of having people to stay, but in reality I find it incredibly stressful and really need my own space. I would really dislike having my DH's friends to stay who I don't know well. Plus you only have to spend a couple of minutes on mumsnet and there'll be another thread talking about how annoying some houseguests are!

Peapodburgundybouquet · 23/04/2023 06:34

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 06:04

Yes, though these people aren't introverts (which I am) but anti-social recluses.

Show quote history

I’m sure, but they always label themselves as introverts, apart from the odd honest one, hence the inverted commas.

Rhondaa · 23/04/2023 06:37

As others have said how come this didn't come up prior to getting married?

Husbands don't get to 'allow' anything, he can state his preference but that's it. Of course you want family and friends to stay, it's up to him to develop whatever strategies he needs to cope with it.

RisingSunn · 23/04/2023 06:37

I understand his feelings. I am not a fan of overnight guests and I don’t like being an overnight guest:

However he is being controlling with it and very unreasonable. Do you not have an equal say in things?

NotAnotherBathBomb · 23/04/2023 06:39

How was he with overnight guests before marriage OP?

Peapodburgundybouquet · 23/04/2023 06:40

I guess it makes sense for an internet forum to be a hotbed of ‘a-social’ people who conduct their lives largely online, who hate anyone in their ‘space’ and who can’t poo when the inlaws come round.

I’ve never really thought about it before.

FangsForTheMemory · 23/04/2023 06:50

StockPop · 23/04/2023 02:36

Sorry but what a load of bollocks from PPs. While it might be mean and stingy not to allow overnight guests, that is in no way controlling or coercive behaviour.

People are in charge of their own houses, and they decide whom to allow in. And when two people are boss, they have equal say in banning anyone.

What would be a problem is if he allows his friends to stay overnight but not yours. But if he doesn't allow anyone, that's his absolute right. His house, his right.

It’s the OP’s house too. She has a right to invite her friends to stay.

BumblingCakeLover · 23/04/2023 06:54

Even though it's a jointly owned house it's not an equal decision whether to have overnight guests.

The same as it's not an equal decision whether to have (more) children or have sex for example. The one who doesn't want it can't (and shouldn't) be forced to have too.

In life some joint decisions are more of a 'veto' situation then a 'compramise' and people in your personal space is one of them IMO.

justlurkinghere · 23/04/2023 06:58

I have mixed feelings. Is this a 'two yes's' situation? Compromise should allow for the amount and frequency of visitors to be negotiated. I'd definitely have a problem with it if he was allowed visitors but she wasn't. I do think that imposing visitors on someone shouldn't be a unilateral decision though. The big picture counts for a lot here. Does he restrict access to family and friends in other ways?

DH once invited a work colleague he'd met once to stay with us for a few weeks when I was very pregnant and had young kids. I was having a home birth and the guests would have been there throughout. He'd have been at work all day. The guests would have been mine to care for. I started making arrangements to move out while the guests were there, and to birth at a friend's home. Fortunately for DH he cancelled the guest. Some posts here make me think some people would think I should have accepted it because it's DH's home too?

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2023 06:59

StockPop · 23/04/2023 06:16

He's not imposing his will on her, it's the other way around.

Bringing in a guest into a shared home, is imposing the guest on the other owner/user of the home. The way I see it, if either owner is uncomfortable with having a guest foisted on them, the other has no right to do it.

I'd say the same thing if the genders were reversed too. Neither the husband or the wife has the right to bring someone into the house if it will make their partner uncomfortable. That's just basic shared property etiquette.

It's her SISTER. FFS I don't particularly like my ILs and I'm sure DH would say the same. But you put up with it for the odd weekend or two a year because it's family.

Foisted my arse.

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/04/2023 07:23

Err, it’s your house too, why are you putting up with this? Do not have kids with this man, he’s controlling and it will only escalate.

merrymelodies · 23/04/2023 07:24

His language gives me chills. This man is a dictator and, in his mind, he must be obeyed. Or else.😬

Bogeyes · 23/04/2023 07:29

Dump him. Then he can have as much space as he wants.

Giggorata · 23/04/2023 07:31

Having guests to stay in spare bedrooms every so often is natural and normal, as will be sleepovers for the DC in future.
Being considerate to partners who find guests stressful is also normal, ie not having a continuous stream, as if you would. Or really long visits.
Being considerate to partners who want guests sometimes is normal, ie developing coping strategies for occasions when they have guests.

What I'm hearing does sound controlling. (Overused or not, funny how this seems to come up a lot in connection with men's behaviour)
Who put him in charge?

I agree with PriOn1's concerns about how this could develop in the future.

ArseMenagerie · 23/04/2023 07:32

He sounds like a miserable fuck

PatientZorro · 23/04/2023 07:35

You don’t seem to have any sort of an equal say here and his uncompromising attitude and refusal to give any priority to what you might like are red flags imo. I’m very surprised at the posters defending him, I’d advise you to stick to your guns and insist that your wants/needs take equal priority.

Gregorylass · 23/04/2023 07:36

The op used the phrase 'won't allow.' This comes across as controlling, but if she had said, 'he doesn't want ' overnight guests it would essentially mean the same thing but the controlling issue would disappear.
Overnight guests can be stressful - what time do you all go to bed, who makes breakfast, do they use the loo during the night, you have to make conversation when you might just want to relax. I would hate having anyone to stay overnight but it doesn't make me in any way controlling. It's simply my preference.

WonderingWanda · 23/04/2023 07:41

Op only you can decide if this is compatible with the lifestyle you want? He has made it clear how he feels, I ha e no idea if he's an introvert or controlling but either way this is about how you want to live your life. For me it would be a no.

unsync · 23/04/2023 07:46

He's not being unfair, he's being controlling. He is alienating you from family and friends. What happens when you tell him its your home too and he doesn't get to dictate who can and can't stay? Does he sulk until you give in? Refuse to talk to you? How is he with money? What happens if you don't feel like being intimate with him?

You need to think very carefully about staying with this man. Domestic Abuse isn't only violence.

Newmum0322 · 23/04/2023 07:46

It’s not nice having to be ‘on’ all the time when people stay over, so I can understand him trying to limit it. You seem very hospitable and perhaps want to make it a regular thing.

I think there’s a compromise to be had

Ohrwurm · 23/04/2023 07:46

Not normal, op. I live abroad in myhusba and if my husband were