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Original poster

Husband doesn't allow overnight guests

329 replies

Abbi634 · 23/04/2023 00:39

My husband and I recently got married. We live in London and we have 2 spare bedrooms that aren't often used. I thought this would mean we could have friends and family to stay occasionally. But my husband objects.

He won't let me have friends to stay for the night if they're in town. I've told him this wouldn't happen more than once every two months, and that I would take care of everything. But he said no, they should get a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space'. So if a good friend who lives abroad is in London and asks to stay the night, I can't say yes - even though I really want to.

He also objects to close family coming. I suggested that my sister and family could come and stay for a long weekend. She lives the other end of the UK and has two daughters, aged 6 and 4. I love my nieces and I think it would be fun to have them to stay. My husband said no - and said they should stay in a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space' and it would be too much to have them here. (He would however meet up with them during the day for a meal/activities).

He says he is ok with my parents sometimes staying for a weekend, but he said has made it clear he doesn't want it to be often.

I feel sad that I can't be hospitable with our spare rooms. I enjoy having friends and family to stay (doing a nice dinner in the evening, having brunch etc).

I feel he's being unfair. It would not be often - just once every two months or so. Is it reasonable for me to think that? And to be sad about it?

OP posts:
saraclara · 23/04/2023 21:44

He replied that we are able to live in a house with spare rooms because he earns more than me and pays a greater share of the mortgage.

So what's the point of the rooms? Do they have beds in?

A compromise would be for him to go away for a few days and have a mini break when your sister comes. It's appalling that this is even necessary, but it's all I can think of. I'd be so upset not to be able to host my own sibling and her family.

Gettingbysomehow · 23/04/2023 21:51

I think your husband will find that his argument is invalid. If you divorced him you would get half of everything regardless of who earns what.

Coyoacan · 23/04/2023 22:14

@Gettingbysomehow

After such a short marriage, the OP would only get back what she put into it, but if I were her, I would still want out, even if I had to sleep under a bridge.

h3ll0o · 23/04/2023 22:25

Just to clarify, my husband isn't neurodiverse and he doesn't have anxiety issues. He can enjoy a party. When he first meets people, he's very friendly and charming.

Millions of neurodiverse individuals enjoy a party and are very friendly and charming. My husband is one of them but he’s also like your husband and prefers to socialise on his own terms.

I hate having people stay over in my home, so does my husband, so it’s not an issue in my marriage. If it was were are the type of people who would bend from time to time to make the other one happy. For example, I’d happily stay in a hotel for a night if he had his brothers to stay.

🚩🚩🚩🚩There’s lots of red flags that you are in an unhealthy relationship.

Original poster
Abbi634 · 23/04/2023 22:32

Thanks @h3ll0o. Sorry - I didn't mean for my post to sound like I was saying neurodiverse people don't enjoy parties etc! I know several who do. Those two statements weren't related. 🙂

OP posts:
Daffodil63 · 23/04/2023 22:38

My DH was just the same and here I am 30 years later with no visitors, the DC never had cousins or aunts and uncles stay over, he just wouldn't allow it or put up so many obstacles it was exhausting. It won't change, your DH won't change. I would say it's a deal breaker.

Schnooze · 23/04/2023 23:29

Don’t make excuses for him or cover for him. Make sure everyone knows it’s his fault because he’s an unsociable arse!

fryanddry · 23/04/2023 23:52

Some women in this thread lack common sense..
I bet if this situation was in reverse, all of the male identified women would be in here screeching about what a witch OP is for denying a man the right to have over night guests in his own home..

The husband IS 100% being controlling, he is making decisions by himself, instead of making joint decisions with his wife.
If it were an equal partnership where, one person wants guests and the other does not,
they would have to reach some sort of compromise that can satisfy both parties.

For example ,
Ops husband doesn't like overnight guests
but out of fairness, he has to also consider his wifes needs, to have occasional overnight guests.
So they have come to a compromise, by having over night stays every few months, or on special occasions
maybe it can be arranged that the husband is not at home during these stays etc
Even landlords have to allow tenants to have some freedom in having overnight guests.

But in this case, it seems Ops husband is putting his foot down and saying absolutely no chance of having overnight guests, fck your feelings
and that is selfish and unacceptable

user1492757084 · 24/04/2023 02:43

The later revelation about him saying earning more than you means he has control of the guest rooms is chilling.

Perhaps you need to divide the house - a smaller percentage being under your control and the larger for him.

Invite your friends to visit in your section only!!
Allow them to sleep in your bedroom while husband sleeps in one of his other rooms and you on the living room sofa.

His attitude is not nice, nor sustainable.
You need to be alert and smart. Do you also make note of your contributions to cleaning, cooking etc and deem the larger meal is yours or the fruit in the bowl are mainly yours?

At least he is outing imself and you now have a choice.

DeeCeeCherry · 24/04/2023 03:11

Imagine having a baby with him, he'd be dictating who can/can't visit you, and if/when. God forbid your mum should want to stay over for a couple of days. I don't like overnight guests either really, but I compromise. It's not all about me. If I wanted it to be, I wouldn't be in a relationship. Your sister and nieces have to stay in a hotel? Your own sister? No - he can go to a hotel. In your shoes I'd be careful not to end up in isolation with a dictator. If he's unwelcoming your family and friends won't want to be around anyway. Could you cope with just you and him, in your own little bubble?

My cousin's husband was like this. Hated visiting them. He's passed away now and she's lonely. I think she was silly to let him keep everyone away, she doesn't seem to understand when people are kept at arm's length they stay there, and get on with their own lives. You sound complete opposites but I suspect he didn't show or you wouldn't know that side of him until you began living together.

SunflowerTed · 24/04/2023 03:31

Abbi634 · 23/04/2023 00:39

My husband and I recently got married. We live in London and we have 2 spare bedrooms that aren't often used. I thought this would mean we could have friends and family to stay occasionally. But my husband objects.

He won't let me have friends to stay for the night if they're in town. I've told him this wouldn't happen more than once every two months, and that I would take care of everything. But he said no, they should get a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space'. So if a good friend who lives abroad is in London and asks to stay the night, I can't say yes - even though I really want to.

He also objects to close family coming. I suggested that my sister and family could come and stay for a long weekend. She lives the other end of the UK and has two daughters, aged 6 and 4. I love my nieces and I think it would be fun to have them to stay. My husband said no - and said they should stay in a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space' and it would be too much to have them here. (He would however meet up with them during the day for a meal/activities).

He says he is ok with my parents sometimes staying for a weekend, but he said has made it clear he doesn't want it to be often.

I feel sad that I can't be hospitable with our spare rooms. I enjoy having friends and family to stay (doing a nice dinner in the evening, having brunch etc).

I feel he's being unfair. It would not be often - just once every two months or so. Is it reasonable for me to think that? And to be sad about it?

It’s 2023! Are you from a different culture? Was this not discussed before the wedding? Your family are not close by therefore you have to make it easy for them to visit! This would be a dealbreaker for me!

gerbilcrocus · 24/04/2023 06:00

... I don't like overnight guests either really, but I compromise. It's not all about me. If I wanted it to be, I wouldn't be in a relationship.

This sums it up well what a healthy attitude to visitors for those who don't particularly like overnight guests.

saraclara · 24/04/2023 06:21

Was this not discussed before the wedding?

Who has a list of tick box questions for their partners?
"Will you allow me to have people to stay when we live together/get married?"

Who would even ask that? It wouldn't occur to me that it even needed asking.

MysteryBelle · 24/04/2023 07:26

urbanbuddha · 24/04/2023 02:41

This article made me think of your situation.
I think you should think very carefully about your situation.

Given your user name, what do you think of the Dalai Lama telling a little boy to suck his tongue? That is coercive control and an example of abuse outlined in the article you posted.

turnthebiglightoff · 24/04/2023 07:36

Your husband sounds horrible.

Tell him to go to a hotel.

If my husband ever told me I couldn't do something totally reasonable he would be gone.

pointythings · 24/04/2023 08:42

@MysteryBelle you win the thread prize for Olympic level whataboutery. What the Dalai Lama did was wrong. What OP's husband is doing is wrong. Both can coexist in the same universe. Hmm

Dovetail40 · 31/05/2023 18:55

Abbi634 · 23/04/2023 00:39

My husband and I recently got married. We live in London and we have 2 spare bedrooms that aren't often used. I thought this would mean we could have friends and family to stay occasionally. But my husband objects.

He won't let me have friends to stay for the night if they're in town. I've told him this wouldn't happen more than once every two months, and that I would take care of everything. But he said no, they should get a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space'. So if a good friend who lives abroad is in London and asks to stay the night, I can't say yes - even though I really want to.

He also objects to close family coming. I suggested that my sister and family could come and stay for a long weekend. She lives the other end of the UK and has two daughters, aged 6 and 4. I love my nieces and I think it would be fun to have them to stay. My husband said no - and said they should stay in a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space' and it would be too much to have them here. (He would however meet up with them during the day for a meal/activities).

He says he is ok with my parents sometimes staying for a weekend, but he said has made it clear he doesn't want it to be often.

I feel sad that I can't be hospitable with our spare rooms. I enjoy having friends and family to stay (doing a nice dinner in the evening, having brunch etc).

I feel he's being unfair. It would not be often - just once every two months or so. Is it reasonable for me to think that? And to be sad about it?

You say u recently got married.

He sounds like a controlling freak.
A human who thinks it is his way or the highway.

Get lost.

Dovetail40 · 31/05/2023 18:57

Has he always been like this

Dovetail40 · 31/05/2023 18:58

Say he can't be in control.
If he wants that then u need to seperate.

Dovetail40 · 31/05/2023 19:02

Abbi634 · 23/04/2023 13:56

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. I have read through them all today.

It sounds like this issue has split opinion. It's interesting to hear everyone's views.

Just to clarify, my husband isn't neurodiverse and he doesn't have anxiety issues. He can enjoy a party. When he first meets people, he's very friendly and charming.

We didn't live together for that long before we got married. And we lived in a tiny one -bed flat. So we didn't have to negotiate overnight guests. I don't remember him ever implying they would be a problem for him. I didn't expect this.

I totally get it if people are reluctant to have overnight guests because they don't have much spare space. But we are fortunate enough to have spare rooms and also a spare bathroom (so we wouldn't need to share a bathroom with guests).

Also, when I said in my original post that I'd said it wouldn't be more than once every two months, that was for friends and family combined. My sister would be a one-off (once a year at most). And for friends, I meant just one night, not the whole weekend.

He knows that I am totally happy for his family and friends to come and stay for a night/weekend. In fact, I think it would be a nice way to get to know his family more.

I had made it clear to him that I would only want to allow close friends, and not become a b&b for anyone who needs a room in London. Also, I told him he would be completely free to do his own thing (but that it would be nice if he e.g. joined us for a drink, to be friendly).

I have brought this issue up a few times with him. In one discussion, he said 'I live here too you know'. I said 'well so do I'. He replied that we are able to live in a house with spare rooms because he earns more than me and pays a greater share of the mortgage.

Aah so he earns more so he has more power in the relationship.

Red flags OP. You are not happy hence you are gauging opinions.

Life is too short to be wasted.
If his crap continues look at escaping.

CloudlessSunnyDays · 31/05/2023 19:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

CloudlessSunnyDays · 31/05/2023 19:03

Oh bugger tha was meant to be report not quote🙇🏻‍♀️

Lili132 · 31/05/2023 21:50

Freefall212 · 23/04/2023 08:20

That is a lot of houseguests - friends staying over whenever they are in the city, sister coming from far to stay with children, parents coming to stay for weekends.

It sounds like he has maybe gone for a blanket 'no' to avoid having to get into a debate about each person who wants to come to their house and stay.

It depends on the dynamic in the couple. If he is really rigid about a lot of things that is different from him having boundaries about a few specific things. Knowing each other's personalities before moving in together is important. We also don't know the history and if there is a foundation for his concerns about house guests. We don't know if she has her own boundaries and things she has said no to reagarding their home as well.

The whole debate about 'allow' and "its her home too so she can do what she wants" is strong language but not really the reality. She could say she doesn't allow smoking in the house and if he said, "no it is my house too and so I can do smoke all I want" - she would not be called a controlling abusive freak. There should be an understading that when an action impacts on both people, then it needs to get hashed out. And that a hard no to some things is okay - people have boundaries and deal breakers for them - especially when it comes to making their home a safe and comfortable and relaxing place to be. Whether having or not having guests is a deal breaker for either of them is something only they can decide.

You really can't compare smoking to occasionally having guests over.
Nobody has to smoke in the house. Nobody's quality of life is affected by not smoking in the house.
Having family for a night it's completely normal and if they live abroad it might be one of a few opportunities she can see them and have a relationship with them. It's a big deal.
It would be much more reasonable for them to reach a compromise - like having people less often etc. And if its so important to her then her husband should be more understanding and caring rather then saying he won't allow it, period.
Marriage can't last without negotiation, compromise and care.

Lili132 · 31/05/2023 22:16

Freefall212 · 23/04/2023 11:22

I am close to many friends and family that have never stayed overnight at my house. Thee idea that a person not staying overnight = being cut off from family and friends is odd to me. Most of my friends have never stayed overnight in my house. I don't feel as though I have been controlled and cut off from them in any way. Do you really only feel connected to people who sleep in your home?

Her family is abroad. So in order for them to visit they have to either stay overnight at her place or pay for hotel despite OP having spare rooms.