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Original poster

Husband doesn't allow overnight guests

329 replies

Abbi634 · 23/04/2023 00:39

My husband and I recently got married. We live in London and we have 2 spare bedrooms that aren't often used. I thought this would mean we could have friends and family to stay occasionally. But my husband objects.

He won't let me have friends to stay for the night if they're in town. I've told him this wouldn't happen more than once every two months, and that I would take care of everything. But he said no, they should get a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space'. So if a good friend who lives abroad is in London and asks to stay the night, I can't say yes - even though I really want to.

He also objects to close family coming. I suggested that my sister and family could come and stay for a long weekend. She lives the other end of the UK and has two daughters, aged 6 and 4. I love my nieces and I think it would be fun to have them to stay. My husband said no - and said they should stay in a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space' and it would be too much to have them here. (He would however meet up with them during the day for a meal/activities).

He says he is ok with my parents sometimes staying for a weekend, but he said has made it clear he doesn't want it to be often.

I feel sad that I can't be hospitable with our spare rooms. I enjoy having friends and family to stay (doing a nice dinner in the evening, having brunch etc).

I feel he's being unfair. It would not be often - just once every two months or so. Is it reasonable for me to think that? And to be sad about it?

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 23/04/2023 03:45

I think your husband is unreasonable. It's quite normal to have someone to stay for a night or two occasionally. If it was all the time, every weekend, it would be too much but sometimes should be fine. Did you know he felt like that before you set up home together?

What would he be like if you had children; they often want to have friends staying the night, more than adults do.

My mother was like your husband, never allowed me to have friends stay, didn't like anyone coming over apart from family and they lived nearby. It was an inhospitable place to live and I could not wait to get away.

I wonder what your husband is afraid of, his attitude smacks of insecurity.

HoppingPavlova · 23/04/2023 04:07

Did you not know about this before you married such a controlling man? I would just ignore him and invite people and if he is not happy he can go stay in a hotel and have that space all to himself.

Guavafish1 · 23/04/2023 04:09

What was it like before you married?

I guess some people don't want continuous guest and want to relax in their own home. I think you need to compromise.

So maybe every 4-6 months instead of 2 monthly.

Hopefully he will agree with a compromise.

Fourwallsclosingin · 23/04/2023 04:12

HoppingPavlova · 23/04/2023 04:07

Did you not know about this before you married such a controlling man? I would just ignore him and invite people and if he is not happy he can go stay in a hotel and have that space all to himself.

Sorry but this. Why had you never spoken about this before! I'm some ways if that's how he feels then I think he has the right to feel that way but personally I'd be annoyed as like having family come over and if it's once every 2 months, then that doesn't seem like much at all. Is everything else good, because this to me sounds like it could be the start of many other incompatibilities (I say that as I am noticing this now in my own relationship as these things tend to build up)

fryanddry · 23/04/2023 04:19

Its your home too, you are allowed to have overnight guests ..

urbanbuddha · 23/04/2023 04:42

Yeah, no. He's not management and you aren't staff.

^This.

YouAreNotBatman · 23/04/2023 04:49

Well, I’m with your husband, but I don’t like having people over for long and would hate someone staying over night.
It is his home after all.

VincentVaguer · 23/04/2023 04:51

I wonder if this thread will still be here later.

YouAreNotBatman · 23/04/2023 04:53

StockPop · 23/04/2023 02:36

Sorry but what a load of bollocks from PPs. While it might be mean and stingy not to allow overnight guests, that is in no way controlling or coercive behaviour.

People are in charge of their own houses, and they decide whom to allow in. And when two people are boss, they have equal say in banning anyone.

What would be a problem is if he allows his friends to stay overnight but not yours. But if he doesn't allow anyone, that's his absolute right. His house, his right.

This.

I swear MN has some kind of bet going on who can say ’controlling’ the fastest.
I swear it’s in almost all posts these days.

OatMilkLattes · 23/04/2023 05:03

I struggle with people in my space but we only have one bedroom. I also a few mental health issues that make me very germ phobic so people in my small ‘clean space’ really bother me. so if maybe something like that is going on with your husband, I think it is understandable.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 23/04/2023 05:06

He’s controlling. He’s decided it’s unilaterally his decision. And he hid this until after you married him.

🚩

Peapodburgundybouquet · 23/04/2023 05:08

The ‘I’m an introvert’ brigade are out, vocally in support of the husband.

They share a home. They share a decision.

artimesiasfootsteps · 23/04/2023 05:15

It could be controlling as other posters have said or it could be just a normal guy who just happens to hate having guests.

I’m a bit of an extrovert/introvert. I enjoy people socially, but at home I need a LOT of personal space and feel tense and on edge when we have guests. The frequency you wish to have guests would not be okay for me personally.

That said we have guests occasionally now, friends coming to stay to see and help with our baby. I appreciate the help but sigh a sigh of relief when they leave.

Luckily my partner is more introverted than me, so I don’t have pressure for guests from him.

WandaWonder · 23/04/2023 05:22

He is a man so it is called controlling

If it was a woman it would be gently softly handhold its ok we understand you have issues you husband is unreasonable for wanting this

Sure there is a difference in 'I ban you from having people over' and 'I really don't want people over'

But surely you knew this before getting married?

Yerroblemom1923 · 23/04/2023 05:32

It's one thing to dislike having house guests but phrases like "not allowed" raise a red flag here. It's going to be seriously embarrassing for the OP to have to tell her nearest and dearest they have to stay in a hotel, even though they have the space at theirs, because her husband won't let them stay at theirs. As others have said it could be just the start of him alienating her from her friends and family.

StockPop · 23/04/2023 05:34

Peapodburgundybouquet · 23/04/2023 05:06

He’s controlling. He’s decided it’s unilaterally his decision. And he hid this until after you married him.

🚩

Are you for real or is this a parody?

Either partner in a relationship can decide they don't want overnight guests in their home. That's not controlling. Or even necessarily mean or stingy. Some people just need their space and privacy. Whatever, it's their home and they don't want overnight guests.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2023 05:36

The language around this is concerning. He is not your boss and you are equals.

It will be pretty miserable for any children you have if he doesn’t ‘allow’ them to have friends over. Play dates and sleepovers are part of normal life for children. My 14 yo is one one now. Three girls, probably went to sleep late, having had lots of fun. We bought dd a double bed and they all sleep together like sardines. I also find out a lot about my dd and her life from her friends. These connections are very important for her well being and theirs. I have helped them out more than once when in distress and my dd has been able to model my behaviour.

Idk why your husband is being like this but it’s really not healthy. Did you not know him well or has he suddenly changed?

StockPop · 23/04/2023 05:36

Yerroblemom1923 · 23/04/2023 05:32

It's one thing to dislike having house guests but phrases like "not allowed" raise a red flag here. It's going to be seriously embarrassing for the OP to have to tell her nearest and dearest they have to stay in a hotel, even though they have the space at theirs, because her husband won't let them stay at theirs. As others have said it could be just the start of him alienating her from her friends and family.

Do you know how many millions of couples don't have a spare room and manage not to be alienated from their friends and loved ones?

It's a simple 'sorry but my husband doesn't like overnight guests.'

It's not as if you owe the world a spare room.

CurlewKate · 23/04/2023 05:38

He is making a unilateral house rule and imposing it on her without discussion or the opportunity fir compromise. That is controlling behaviour. And it would be regardless of the sex of the person doing it.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 23/04/2023 05:38

StockPop · 23/04/2023 05:34

Are you for real or is this a parody?

Either partner in a relationship can decide they don't want overnight guests in their home. That's not controlling. Or even necessarily mean or stingy. Some people just need their space and privacy. Whatever, it's their home and they don't want overnight guests.

Show quote history

She said their two spare bedrooms ‘weren’t often used’ and since they’ve recently got married, he ‘won’t allow’ her to have anyone to stay. Even family.

Firstly, why are they paying for an oversized property in London if he’s now decided no one is allowed to stay, ever, and secondly, what’s changed? She seems to have been able to have people before, but suddenly he’s decided it is not allowed.

My H and I share a home. We make decisions together. Neither of us is more important than the other.

Barbecuebeans · 23/04/2023 05:38

OatMilkLattes · 23/04/2023 05:03

I struggle with people in my space but we only have one bedroom. I also a few mental health issues that make me very germ phobic so people in my small ‘clean space’ really bother me. so if maybe something like that is going on with your husband, I think it is understandable.

The difference is though surely the lack of discussion about it.

There's a massive gap between I'd really rather not have people to stay and I forbid you to have people to stay. I'm an introvert too and prefer my own space a lot of the time but I would never say people in our house aren't allowed to have overnight guests ever. That would be unreasonable and dictatorial.

I'm afraid it sounds controlling because there's just no discussion or compromise. I don't believe one person's rights trump the other's in a marriage. If you disagree the very least you owe to your partner is to talk about it calmly and try to reach a good conclusion for each of you.

I'm also worried that this didn't come up before the marriage. Is this because he hid this side of his nature or did you hardly know him before you got married? Either could be red flags.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 23/04/2023 05:40

I'm afraid it sounds controlling because there's just no discussion or compromise. I don't believe one person's rights trump the other's in a marriage. If you disagree the very least you owe to your partner is to talk about it calmly and try to reach a good conclusion for each of you.

Quite. But the plentiful subset of introverted MNetters who despise guests of any sort in their crafting/gaming rooms, have come out in support of the all-mighty husband.

urbanbuddha · 23/04/2023 05:40

Whatever, it's their home and they don't want overnight guests.

It’s their home - he doesn’t want overnight guests but she does.
That’s the problem the OP wants to address.

PriOn1 · 23/04/2023 05:51

OP, forget whether this is controlling or not, for a moment.

Is this something that really matters to you? Your sister may not be able to visit at all if she can’t afford a hotel with your nieces. She certainly won’t be able to visit as often.

He said he would meet up with people during the day. Does this mean he won’t allow you to entertain guests at home at all? That means that any guests who do come will also have the added expense of having to eat out all the time.

I think you have to look at these considerations and think whether this is a dealbreaker for you. These are severe restrictions that he is placing on your interaction with your family and friends.

I realize you’ve probably only just married him and are therefore quite invested, but if you don’t have children together yet, then I think you need to give a great deal of thought as to whether you want to tie yourself to this man any further. This situation isn’t going to get any better, and I can imagine that in time, his reluctant acceptance that your parents can stay occasionally might also be retracted.

And if, as is very likely from the way you’ve expressed your post, where it sounds like he has laid down rules, rather than explaining how he feels and negotiating, that he is controlling and if he is, then once he gets you pregnant, it will become worse. A marriage contract ties you in somewhat, which might be why you’re finding out these “rules” now. Tying yourself to him permanently, by having a child together, is a classic time for controlling men to really begin abusing.

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 06:01

@StockPop

Both parties in a relationship have the absolute right to decide who doesn't come into their home.

Both parties have the right to do all sorts of things in a relationship, like agree never to go on holiday, to never have sex, to never leave the house, to walk around in a mankini at all times, to only ever eat baked beans.... But exercising your "rights" in this way will make for a miserable marriage.

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