Boyfriend of 8 months has just found out an ex has had a baby

[WonderingPondering1806]

Hello all

Im not a mum but I’m hoping to get some advice from people who are.
Context I am 28, 29 in a month my bf is 29, 30 in a month. We met in October last year and it’s been the best relationship of my life. I’m not exaggerating. We spoke for 8 hours the first time we spoke and we went on holiday within a month and I moved in after 3 months. We met on bumble. We’re both successful him more than me he’s on 6 figures and I’m not far behind. We’re both really ambitious and equally as dorky.
Anyways his last encounter before we met was the end of august. Tbf my last encounter before him was shorter so I’m not mad at that lol
His situation ended badly to the point they blocked eachother. Last last week the ex got in contact with him via LinkedIn to let him know she’s having a baby and it’s his. He had all of a week to come to terms with it and she was born last Sunday.
He wants to be as involved as possible and is willing to support her. He still loves me and he still wants our life and future together.
Hes still going to do a dna because you never know especially since they were rocky at the end. They broke up because in his words, they had nothing in common, she was talking to other guys, she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life (which he definitely isn’t and I’m not either) and she had another child. I’m sure there was negative points on his side too but I only have his side.

Basically my question/ advice I’m seeking is how to be ok with it because right now I’m not and I think I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help it. I feel jealous I’m not the one to share all this with him for the first time. He still wants kids with me and marriage and everything. Hes been very reassuring so that’s something but I can’t help it. And I don’t want to end up resenting anyone.
Its not the issue of him having a child. I’ve dated guys before with kids. It’s because it’s so fresh and I have no idea where they stand with eachother other than his word, whereas in the past it’s been guys that haven’t been with their exes for years. What if she wins him back in my head. She’s the mother of his child. They could be this happy family unit. I’ve never been insecure before this but this has really thrown me.
I love him more than anything and I want us to work but I hate how I feel.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate all perspectives but please don’t be mean. Like I said I’m not a mum and I know I’m not handling it well I’m just looking for advice. Thanks 🙏

[growgrowinggrown]

Hmmm, are you 100% sure he didn't know she was pregnant at some point sooner? Seems really odd that he's literally jumped straight to it after such shocking news, without even a moment to process it all.

Either way it sounds all too much too soon, I'm not sure I would be sticking around long term to see how this one plays out.

[SheilaFentiman]

Jealousy/envy is a completely understandable feeling, don’t beat yourself up for it.

One day at a time. Do the DNA test and go
from there.

You may decide this is too difficult, but don’t decide right now.

[WonderingPondering1806]

As naive as this may sound I completely believe he didn’t know. He’s not a good liar or actor lol.
Hes jumping into it because he had the worst relationship with his dad and he’s always vowed never to repeat it so again I believe him and this is in character.

thank you for your response

[UndercoverCop]

Wait for the DNA test, of the baby is his you'll need to device if your relationship is enough that you're willing to accept him having a baby with an ex he had a bad relationship with and all the hassle that can bring. The advert may well be yes, but don't judge yourself if it's no

[cottinger]

I would wait for the DNA test and see how you feel. I think a big part of it is the character of the ex. If she is an easy parent to co parent with I would be more open minded. I wouldn't date a man with kids if his ex was difficult, too much drama

[Dontcutthedaisies]

Honestly, you've moved way too fast. Moving in after 3 months! You don't really know this guy yet.
Maybe get an std check too if he was having unprotected sex.

[MattDamon]

How long were they together that he was having unprotected sex with her? Agree about getting yourself tested ASAP.

[Bluebells1970]

I would take a step back and take some time to consider all of this. He's going to have a lifelong commitment to this child, and ergo their mother by default. And if he's a decent Dad, the child will be his main priority. You're always going to be the one on the outside.

For a relationship of this length, is it really worth it?

[HVPRN]

Why on earth didn't she tell him she was expecting during pregnancy? And now baby is here she wants involvement? Some info is missing here..

[Kickingupmerrybehaviour]

Nah. You’re young. I wouldn’t date anyone with kids. It’ll be messy and horrible. You can do better

[DHsPoorBack]

Two things have happened here

Either, she's an arsehole who hid an entire pregnancy, then decided that she's informing him that she having a baby with 7 days notice. So he had to know nothing about the baby. But now he has too? That doesn't add up, unless she's just after CMS so giving him the heads up. Doesn't bode well for the future, which is the next 18yrs, at least.

Or, he's known for some time. And is an arsehole who hid it all from you. Which doesn't bode well for the future.

If I could give one piece of advice to my DD, it would be to never get involved with a man who has existing DC, particularly in a situation like this.

[Dotcheck]

Hmmm
She already had a child, and he felt she wasn’t ambitious and happy with a mediocre life.
This would worry me. Ambition and excitement in life take a real hit when you have kids. If she has a career/ worked hard, but was just too exhausted by looking after her child for excitement’ then I would worry if I were you. It’s ok to not want to compromise for someone else’s child, but far too many men refuse to change their lifestyle when their own children come along.

[Phoebo]

This sounds really difficult OP. I think it's probably really important for you both to be open and honest with each other and have a lot of communication. It's absolutely natural to be jealous. I hate to be cynical but this may also bond your partner to his ex, in saying that more often than not a baby actually ruins a relationship so also don't think this is a given. I think communication is key, and if you both have good communication then it can still work. Can I suggest you also be clear on what your boundaries are, as if you are a decent person it would be very easy to start to compromise. I hope you have someone in RL to talk to about this, if not please keep posting on here

[Clymene]

It's very convenient timing that they broke up immediately after she became pregnant but before she knew about it.

I would be very very suspicious in your shoes. You barely know this bloke.

[50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself]

Seems really odd that he's literally jumped straight to it after such shocking news, without even a moment to process it all

It's not odd at all, its just what a decent man would do. If you become aware you have a child, what are you going to do, think about it for a few months and miss the early stage? No, you get involved immediately.

[Notanothernewname]

I don't know what his salary or yours has to do with him having a baby with an ex. 3 months is no time (I've got cheese in the fridge older😬) so that was pretty quick and talking about kids and marriage after 6 months for two people who seem insistent on being ambitious and not wanting a mediocre life seems odd.Also him saying all that stuff about her just makes me think arsehole, mediocre life, not ambitious enough. I'd rather be mediocre and unambitious than a prick. She was good enough to shag so he obviously wasn't too fussy back then.

[ShowUs]

We met in October last year and it’s been the best relationship of my life. I’m not exaggerating.

You’ve only been together 8 months!
Of course it’s going to be amazing still.

It’s the kindest way it sounds as though he jumped straight from her to you which is always a massive red flag.

I see why you are feeling jealous and I would be too but I would just go slow and see how things go.

He may decide he wants to get back with her or you may decide that you can’t be in this sort of situation.

[YouAreNotBatman]

It’s only been 8 months, you’re not that deep in.
This just sounds like hurt waiting to happen.

Also, it sounds like he lives life just talking about fantasies honestly.
I mean :
is happy with a mediocre life (which he definitely isn’t
C’mon!
What is more mediocre life than having kids and playing house, let’s get real!

[Tarantullah]

You might have a really great relationship but things will invariably change now he has a child with another woman. Sounds like he moved on and settled down pretty quick, I'd be suspicious he knew sooner and has quickly gotten serious with you as he thinks you'll be a decent helping hand with the baby. Sounds cynical I know, but his reasons for breaking up sound like a mismatch of what they want in the future- including a child. Personally I wouldn't be arsed I'd run the other way.

[ComtesseDeSpair]

I wouldn’t be pinning my carriage to this star. He jumped straight out of his ex’s bed and into yours, is playing house with you within a few weeks after that, and is now going to be playing families with his ex whilst he has you on the side for fun. You’re young, you don’t need this hassle. Find somebody who won’t make your life complicated.

[lilac223]

This sounds so similar to my ex. I became pregnant at the end of the relationship, he absolutely knew.

He went straight to finding someone else within weeks, and didn't tell the woman he met that he had a pregnant ex. I believe this is because he didn't think anyone would have him with an ex who was 11 weeks pregnant (and it's true a lot of women would run!).

Hid the entire pregnancy from her is my understanding... acted surprised when baby was born.

It's perfect for men like this- they get to play the victim in the whole scenario, and the "hero" and "great Dad" stepping up... impressing the new woman who may not have even dated him in the first place had they known he was expecting...

[Theemptychairismyshadow]

Just be careful!

[Sausagerolex]

His comments about her settling for mediocrity and being unambitious when she already had a child are unpleasant and he clearly thought she was good enough to have (unprotected) sex with.

I would step back. You are in the full flush of lust/early love but this is a situation that will have enormous implications for your relationship for the rest of your life if you stay together. The ex will be in is life a long time now and it doesn’t sound as though an easy co-parenting relationship is likely.

It definitely has a whiff of pink bunting if not full on red in terms of how quickly he wanted to move things with you, his values and judgements, his assumption that this isn’t going to be an enormous challenge for you.

Let him work this one out and then if you have carefully considered it you can get back together but I think you risk not giving proper space to your own emotions whilst you are swept up in his new fatherhood.

[gamerchick]

Do you know you've made him sound like a prick OP? I don't know if it was intentional, or you've got the loved up glasses on still.

She was good enough to shag unprotected though wasn't she? I'd go for an sti screen me first and foremost

[DustyLee123]

If it’s his, this child will be in his life forever, the ex could make his life a nightmare if she wanted.
You need to think about you and your future. Put yourself first.