Boyfriend of 8 months has just found out an ex has had a baby

[WonderingPondering1806]

Hello all

Im not a mum but I’m hoping to get some advice from people who are.
Context I am 28, 29 in a month my bf is 29, 30 in a month. We met in October last year and it’s been the best relationship of my life. I’m not exaggerating. We spoke for 8 hours the first time we spoke and we went on holiday within a month and I moved in after 3 months. We met on bumble. We’re both successful him more than me he’s on 6 figures and I’m not far behind. We’re both really ambitious and equally as dorky.
Anyways his last encounter before we met was the end of august. Tbf my last encounter before him was shorter so I’m not mad at that lol
His situation ended badly to the point they blocked eachother. Last last week the ex got in contact with him via LinkedIn to let him know she’s having a baby and it’s his. He had all of a week to come to terms with it and she was born last Sunday.
He wants to be as involved as possible and is willing to support her. He still loves me and he still wants our life and future together.
Hes still going to do a dna because you never know especially since they were rocky at the end. They broke up because in his words, they had nothing in common, she was talking to other guys, she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life (which he definitely isn’t and I’m not either) and she had another child. I’m sure there was negative points on his side too but I only have his side.

Basically my question/ advice I’m seeking is how to be ok with it because right now I’m not and I think I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help it. I feel jealous I’m not the one to share all this with him for the first time. He still wants kids with me and marriage and everything. Hes been very reassuring so that’s something but I can’t help it. And I don’t want to end up resenting anyone.
Its not the issue of him having a child. I’ve dated guys before with kids. It’s because it’s so fresh and I have no idea where they stand with eachother other than his word, whereas in the past it’s been guys that haven’t been with their exes for years. What if she wins him back in my head. She’s the mother of his child. They could be this happy family unit. I’ve never been insecure before this but this has really thrown me.
I love him more than anything and I want us to work but I hate how I feel.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate all perspectives but please don’t be mean. Like I said I’m not a mum and I know I’m not handling it well I’m just looking for advice. Thanks 🙏

Life is sometimes messy. Funnily enough very few of us live the fairytale. If you love this man, it’s worth trying to make this work.

Wait for the DNA, see what co~ parenting looks like. It’s very early days.

Your feelings are totally valid. But he hasn’t chosen the ex over you. He’s standing up to his responsibilities and that makes him a good guy.

Fair? He was sleeping with a woman he describes as "mediocre" and you think people are being unfair to him?

Gosh, I don't think it matters what anyone says here.

Couple of things for you to consider:

1. you said you’re safe because you got tested the first time you did anything. I’m assuming you don’t know that some STD’s are undetectable for a period of time?

2. you said he’s attracted to being in an equal relationship and not carrying his partner but that you both want children together. What happens when you’re on maternity leave and he needs to “carry” you while you I aren’t earning? What happens when, having gone back to work, you’re behind him because whilst you’re on maternity he’s got that next promotion and you haven’t? Does he dump you for the next high flyer because you’ve become mediocre? He doesn’t sound either respectful or a catch to be honest OP

Or he was more than happy to have unprotected sex with her then walk away from his responsibilities? I suspect the more likely scenario is that he knew, dumped her, and then when baby was imminent knew he'd have to tell you but had already done the groundwork to build a home with you so thought it'd be easier.

she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life (which he definitely isn’t and I’m not either) and she had another child.

What the duck is a "mediocre life"?

Make sure you've got contraceptive locked down with this one anyway.

All way too intense way too fast.

Ok I apologise how that came out and it’s not to slight anyone. I just mean we’re both super ambitious and that’s a quality he values hence why they didn’t work out

But why then did he choose to have unprotected sex? I also would not be surprised if he knew about the pregnancy all along, I think there a lot more to this story than you think OP. Remember its only been 8 months.

I have 2 young children but pre having kids I wouldn’t have considered dated anyone with kids. I wouldn’t mind now, but like you - I would want the first time of doing that stuff and figuring it out together.
also it seems strange that she didn’t tell him a week before the birth- and if that is true it kind of makes him seem strange by association as he was in some kind of a relationship with her?
also the risk of them trying to make a family for the sake of the child…even if it doesn’t work out…you’re caught at a tricky time.
you sound like you could do better, you’re young, successful etc - meet someone else.

What if she said she was on something but lied. They were together and it wasn’t a ons or what if it failed

In such a short relationship - and clearly a rocky one at that, if he considered her "undesirable" because she's allegedly not ambitious - I'd expect him to have still been using condoms to "make sure"

I also wouldn't trust that he didn't know about the pregnancy, since surely the news would have reached him via someone else?
Of course that only applies if the child really is his, so waiting on the DNA may be worthwhile, but overall this would all be a bit too quick for my taste and I'd worry that he'll be onto the next all too soon

He sounds like a good guy and you have had a normal reaction to this situation which has huge financial, practical and emotional consequences for all of you

If you can navigate this then he is a keeper for sure , the fact he wants to do right by her is positive sign

This is an odd take to me. You don't think a woman has ever slept with a man who she would describe as being happy with a mediocre life or not being ambitious or who she didn't respect post break up? To me those are extremely common sentiments that we read on here all the time about exes. It is much rarer to read someone describing their ex as an amazing man / woman who they respect.

I don't have many rules in life but ones I do follow are

Don't do business with companies who slag off the opposition.
Don't have relationships with men who put their exes down.

My partner has a friend who this happened too. Same predicament, ended badly, ex blocked on everything. Next thing ex showed up at the door bumped up like by the way am having your baby due in 3weeks. He done the dna test and is a brilliant dad. he was still in the early stages of dating someone which kinda hit a bump but they dealt with it and have now been together 6years and have their own child

100% this

I also thought the comment about the salaries was pretty crass tbh. Do you think a person’s worth is tied to how much they earn OP? 🙄

That aside, this whole scenario sounds dodgy to me: someone’s story isn’t straight. I would cut your losses now OP and run, life’s too short to play silly-buggers….

I completely agree!

OP there are some people who jump into really intense relationships and talk about marriage, children and the future etc and then get bored and leave to go on and do it to the next person.

There was a thread about it just a couple of months ago.

These men would love bomb you, say all of the right things and move very fast and then out of nowhere just end the relationship and the posters said they did it to the next woman too.

Wait for DNA test results but I'd ditch a guy for this. I've no interest in being a step mum especially not at 28.

I think you are being very naive to believe him. You don't really know him. 7 months is not long enough to know himeven if you live together.

Op, ignore the hate. As I am sure you know, this board is very anti-men. Hence all the made up scenarios and insults being projected onto your boyfriend.

You have been together 8 months and introducing a new baby and a co-parent into this relationship is going to present challenges. You need to go into it eyes wide open. He needs to go through proper legal channels and get visitation and support in place officially. Visitation is usually limited for an infant, especially if she breastfeeds. Take it month by month but don't fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy or that love is enough. If at some point it is healthier for you to walk away, then keep that as an option. This needs to be a healthy relationship for you both and the dynamic and energy and effort needs to work for you. Definitely don't get engaged or pregnant - slow the progress of this relationship down. See where you are at in a year and keep reassessing along the way.

@WonderingPondering1806 She already had a child, and he felt she wasn’t ambitious and happy with a mediocre life.

Notheless he was shaggin her without a condom because... why not? he then gets blocked by the ex, love bombs you, moves in together after 3 months of meeting you. Now all of a sudden is delighted to be a father with someone he no longer has a relationship with.

This guy has more red flags than a communist Convention.

You're not making him sound any better, OP. 'I don't believe in carrying my partner' = 'I will expect her to "pay her way" throughout her maternity leave and stepping back for any children we have, which of course will be her role because I can't be diverted from my super-ambitious pursuit of more money my career'. Like so many of the horrors of men you read about on here who don't seem to have got the memo that a life partnership, particularly when children are involved, is about mutual solidarity and support and instead want a glorified housemate they have sex with.

In this amazingly opposite of mediocre life were leading, what were your loving arrangements that were so easy to abandon so you could move in after 3 months?

Apart from all the rest, I do hope you've got a plan to maintain your independence because it doesn't sound like this one will be in the market for supporting you.

Why would he support her? She is a competent adult just like him.

It sounds to me as if she doesn't want any involvement with your guy apart from maintenance- maybe why she's kept it quiet all this time.
Only you know whether you'll be able to handle this situation in the future. It might benefit you all (3)to actually sit down and discuss your collective expectations now and for the future.
Obviously a huge shock for 2 out of 3 of you which may or may not bode well for your futures.

He does sound a bit of a love you and leave you type. So if you get pregnant you can probably expect the same. Tread carefully.

Shit happens in life doesn't it? You need a partner that you know will have your back if something goes wrong. What if the OP gets ill, he won't want to stay by her side and live a mediocre life with someone on disability. There has been times in our 20 year marriage where I have supported dh and times when he has supported me. That's what a life together is about(to me anyway), knowing that someone has your back even when life is boring and mediocre.