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Original poster

Boyfriend of 8 months has just found out an ex has had a baby

320 replies

WonderingPondering1806 · 22/04/2023 11:43

Hello all

Im not a mum but I’m hoping to get some advice from people who are.
Context I am 28, 29 in a month my bf is 29, 30 in a month. We met in October last year and it’s been the best relationship of my life. I’m not exaggerating. We spoke for 8 hours the first time we spoke and we went on holiday within a month and I moved in after 3 months. We met on bumble. We’re both successful him more than me he’s on 6 figures and I’m not far behind. We’re both really ambitious and equally as dorky.
Anyways his last encounter before we met was the end of august. Tbf my last encounter before him was shorter so I’m not mad at that lol
His situation ended badly to the point they blocked eachother. Last last week the ex got in contact with him via LinkedIn to let him know she’s having a baby and it’s his. He had all of a week to come to terms with it and she was born last Sunday.
He wants to be as involved as possible and is willing to support her. He still loves me and he still wants our life and future together.
Hes still going to do a dna because you never know especially since they were rocky at the end. They broke up because in his words, they had nothing in common, she was talking to other guys, she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life (which he definitely isn’t and I’m not either) and she had another child. I’m sure there was negative points on his side too but I only have his side.

Basically my question/ advice I’m seeking is how to be ok with it because right now I’m not and I think I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help it. I feel jealous I’m not the one to share all this with him for the first time. He still wants kids with me and marriage and everything. Hes been very reassuring so that’s something but I can’t help it. And I don’t want to end up resenting anyone.
Its not the issue of him having a child. I’ve dated guys before with kids. It’s because it’s so fresh and I have no idea where they stand with eachother other than his word, whereas in the past it’s been guys that haven’t been with their exes for years. What if she wins him back in my head. She’s the mother of his child. They could be this happy family unit. I’ve never been insecure before this but this has really thrown me.
I love him more than anything and I want us to work but I hate how I feel.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate all perspectives but please don’t be mean. Like I said I’m not a mum and I know I’m not handling it well I’m just looking for advice. Thanks 🙏

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 22/04/2023 12:55

And telling you that he’s not happy with a “mediocre life”? Well, better make sure you never do anything to become as “mediocre” as his ex, eh? No having babies that you might want to step back from your successful career and interesting social life to raise.

slowquickstep · 22/04/2023 12:56

I think you need to take time and think really hard if you can accept this child in your life. As for the other woman, not telling him to just before the birth, this tells you what kind of person she is. Can you cope dealing with her? If you really want to stay then the pair of you need to lay down some ground rules right from the start.

aNewYorkerInLondon · 22/04/2023 12:56

I think it shows that he's a good guy that his immediate reaction is that he wants to support his child.

I totally get your jealousy. I think it's very natural. I think it has to come down to whether you trust him and whether you can handle eventually (if all goes well) being a step-parent.

I think it's wonderful that you've found such a great match. That doesn't happen every day. Take your time with this decision so that you have the best chance of getting it right.

Clymene · 22/04/2023 12:58

And I'm not sure how you've worked out October - April is 8 months. At the very most it's almost 7

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 22/04/2023 13:00

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/04/2023 12:45

I wouldn’t be pinning my carriage to this star. He jumped straight out of his ex’s bed and into yours, is playing house with you within a few weeks after that, and is now going to be playing families with his ex whilst he has you on the side for fun. You’re young, you don’t need this hassle. Find somebody who won’t make your life complicated.

This. It’s all very well being in the sex haze of the lustful first few months of newly dating, but at 29, don’t let that cloud your judgement. You’ve already moved in within a matter of weeks, why would you want the complications involved with a boyfriend wrangling a kid and his ex? Has he figured out how to not impregnate ‘mediocre’ women yet? Weird that he was fine with not protecting himself when shagging a ‘mediocre’ woman.

I’d choose a peaceful, easy life.

Lavenderlaze · 22/04/2023 13:03

I think I'd be binning him off for the 'mediocre life' comment. He sounds like an insufferable prick.

But then you felt the need to mention income etc so it's sounds like you share those sentiments.

Vee1987 · 22/04/2023 13:03

I wouldn’t keep seeing him. In the way he wants a certain life, I do too and I wouldn’t want to be a step-parent in these circumstances. I would perhaps change my mind if older but not if I’d been with a guy for such little time (you’re still in the honeymoon period - of course you are still having a great time) and if your age.

I’d also try to remind myself I’m only hearing his side of the story but I think you acknowledged that in your post if I remember rightly. But despite this happening to him, I honestly don’t think he’d be as accepting if he had to make this decision and it was his partner who had a child from a previous relationship. Sounds like it wouldn’t be compatible with his ambition and desire for a life that isn’t mediocre. Btw, if he said this to me about his ex, I’d cringe a bit inside I think. He sounds pompous. He liked her enough to have (I assume repeated) unprotected sex and impregnate her.

CreationNat1on · 22/04/2023 13:07

Better to have 1 more than 1 less.

Are you ready and willing to be a step mum?

HappyTrance · 22/04/2023 13:08

I know someone who was in this position. He was not interested in being a dad but his family were really excited and saw the child as much as possible. After a couple of years he eventually got round to having a dna test and the child wasn’t his. It was awful as the child and his family had already bonded.

So I would say he needs to get the dna test done asap before he makes any commitments.

TheDuchessOfMN · 22/04/2023 13:08

I’m missing the point completely but just want to point out that the way he speaks of her makes me not like him

“she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life“

She is a single mum. Her “mediocre life” is very easy to judge when you’re a man.

As for you, have a read of the step-parenting board on here, and see what the reality of being a step-mum looks like.

Scienceadvisory · 22/04/2023 13:09

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/04/2023 12:45

I wouldn’t be pinning my carriage to this star. He jumped straight out of his ex’s bed and into yours, is playing house with you within a few weeks after that, and is now going to be playing families with his ex whilst he has you on the side for fun. You’re young, you don’t need this hassle. Find somebody who won’t make your life complicated.

You do realise you could say the about the OP? That she jumped straight from her ex's bed and into his and is playing house with him within a few weeks? In fact, the OP says she had less time between her last guy and this one than her boyfriend had between women.

WhatNoRaisins · 22/04/2023 13:10

For what it's worth OP it's fine for this discovery to be an immediate a deal-breaker. It would be for plenty of women.

Think long and hard about whether step-parenting is for you. It's not for everyone, loads of people seem to really resent having unrelated children in their homes or around them when they've just given birth for example.

You wouldn't even have the advantage of getting to know what sort of parent he is before deciding you want to take on a stepchild with him. It seems like lots of men in this situation just offload their parenting onto their female partner even when she's not the child's mother.

Read the boards and only go into it with your eyes open.

Riverlee · 22/04/2023 13:10

It’s bound to be a shock for both of you, and some getting used to. That’s to be expected. However, heed the warnings above.

CordyLines · 22/04/2023 13:11

The one thing that strikes me is the fact that he was not told of ex's pregnancy until the child was about to be born! WTF? I don't think that is a good prognosis for the future of his/your relationship with ex and child.

Why did she do that? That is the one question I would have, and my suspicion is that he already knew.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/04/2023 13:11

Scienceadvisory · 22/04/2023 13:09

You do realise you could say the about the OP? That she jumped straight from her ex's bed and into his and is playing house with him within a few weeks? In fact, the OP says she had less time between her last guy and this one than her boyfriend had between women.

Show quote history

And if the boyfriend was the one posting here about his new girlfriend who was having a baby with her ex, I’d say exactly the same. But he isn’t, so the advice was aimed at the OP.

sonjadog · 22/04/2023 13:13

I would wait and see. You both have had a massive shock and huge upheaval in your lives. Wait and work out what you want and then if you should stick around or not. I wouldn't write this one off immediately, I think that as time passes it becomes increasingly clear if this one is for you or not.

doistayordoigo · 22/04/2023 13:16

I'm going to go against the grain here. When I met my DH he had just found out his ex was pregnant. He told me on our third date. He told me he wanted to be involved as his dad died when he was three and he didn't want a child of his to grow up not knowing his dad. We carried on dating, and yes I was aware he might go back to her because of the baby, but that wasn't what she wanted, and they wouldn't have had anything in common longer term. It took me a long time to feel secure in the relationship, and there was a bit of underlying resentment that he wouldn't be doing things first with me, first baby etc.

However I stayed because he was the right person for me at the end of the day. It wasn't always easy, you lose the option of being free and spontaneous to a degree, as every weekend was spent with his son visiting (as it should be). But sometimes that was hard. We've been together for over 25 years now, and for me it was the right decision. You need to be sure for yourself though, only you know how you might feel and how your boyfriend is as a person.

Gondala · 22/04/2023 13:17

I wouldn't stay personally but if you are wanting to I don't think you can make a call until firstly you know the facts then how he reacts to things. I don't like his comments about his ex either, that's just life with small children. If he doesn't like it don't have a relationship with someone with DC or unprotected sex.

darjeelingrose · 22/04/2023 13:21

He said she is not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life? He sounds awful, no wonder she didn't tell him she was pregnant. She may have struggled with the decision to tell him.
You say he wants to be an involved as possible and is willing to support her. I don't know if her is the mother or the baby, but it's a bare minimum isn't it, to support the baby if the baby is his.
Anyway, as to you, you don't come to terms with anything at the moment. You wait for the DNA test. You won't be meeting this baby any time soon if either of them is at all decent. Your boyfriend will get a few visits perhaps, but let's face it, it's a relationship that clearly didn't end on good terms, and he is dismissive of her, so she's not going to want to spend time with him, and a little baby shouldn't be without their mum when they are so small.

lunar1 · 22/04/2023 13:21

If the results of the DNA show the baby is his I would walk away. He's going to be involved, but the baby is newborn.

She's not going to want you involved with a newborn, no new mum would. Contact is going to be at hers, they would have to be so enmeshed with each other to get through the first years of a new baby.

I couldn't do it, not for such a new relationship. I just don't see how it would work without you being cast as a complete outsider.

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 22/04/2023 13:22

Clymene · 22/04/2023 12:58

And I'm not sure how you've worked out October - April is 8 months. At the very most it's almost 7

Thanks, I didn't wanna say it 😂

Jk8 · 22/04/2023 13:24

DNA test first then taking a break really. He may very well go back to her/them if he's 'free' but that just proves he's still willing to be with them. No point wasting time/hopes on being the second choice & yes it will effect you eventually financially (when you stop working to have kids & he's paying child support) emotionally when he's not available or wants to do things with his child & socially you've gone from meeting somebody you could very well build a life with & introduce to everybody(/tell people about) to optionally choosing to be in & build a blended family

For what it's worth my cousins ex got with him around the time another girl claimed to be pregnant by him came forward she spent months "supporting" him but got pregnant herself & ultimately left anyway as you just can't tell how you'll feel & her desire for her own child, in her own home, with her own family won out eventually

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 22/04/2023 13:26

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/04/2023 12:45

I wouldn’t be pinning my carriage to this star. He jumped straight out of his ex’s bed and into yours, is playing house with you within a few weeks after that, and is now going to be playing families with his ex whilst he has you on the side for fun. You’re young, you don’t need this hassle. Find somebody who won’t make your life complicated.

OP did all those things too. If you're judging him for them you have to judge her too.

I will also point out that its entirely possible to get pregnant without having unprotected sex.

SkaneTos · 22/04/2023 13:26

"happy with a mediocre life" - that is not a very nice thing to say about someone.

Hellno45 · 22/04/2023 13:27

I've had (mouldy) baked beans in my fridge in longer than you have been in this relationship. You are loving way to fast. Slow everything down. Also make sure your using protection.