Boyfriend of 8 months has just found out an ex has had a baby

[WonderingPondering1806]

Hello all

Im not a mum but I’m hoping to get some advice from people who are.
Context I am 28, 29 in a month my bf is 29, 30 in a month. We met in October last year and it’s been the best relationship of my life. I’m not exaggerating. We spoke for 8 hours the first time we spoke and we went on holiday within a month and I moved in after 3 months. We met on bumble. We’re both successful him more than me he’s on 6 figures and I’m not far behind. We’re both really ambitious and equally as dorky.
Anyways his last encounter before we met was the end of august. Tbf my last encounter before him was shorter so I’m not mad at that lol
His situation ended badly to the point they blocked eachother. Last last week the ex got in contact with him via LinkedIn to let him know she’s having a baby and it’s his. He had all of a week to come to terms with it and she was born last Sunday.
He wants to be as involved as possible and is willing to support her. He still loves me and he still wants our life and future together.
Hes still going to do a dna because you never know especially since they were rocky at the end. They broke up because in his words, they had nothing in common, she was talking to other guys, she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life (which he definitely isn’t and I’m not either) and she had another child. I’m sure there was negative points on his side too but I only have his side.

Basically my question/ advice I’m seeking is how to be ok with it because right now I’m not and I think I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help it. I feel jealous I’m not the one to share all this with him for the first time. He still wants kids with me and marriage and everything. Hes been very reassuring so that’s something but I can’t help it. And I don’t want to end up resenting anyone.
Its not the issue of him having a child. I’ve dated guys before with kids. It’s because it’s so fresh and I have no idea where they stand with eachother other than his word, whereas in the past it’s been guys that haven’t been with their exes for years. What if she wins him back in my head. She’s the mother of his child. They could be this happy family unit. I’ve never been insecure before this but this has really thrown me.
I love him more than anything and I want us to work but I hate how I feel.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate all perspectives but please don’t be mean. Like I said I’m not a mum and I know I’m not handling it well I’m just looking for advice. Thanks 🙏

@Stravaig I had the contraceptive implant in and he was using Durex but I still managed to conceive. Please tell me where either of us were being unsafe? I mean we were married but still. The only way to guarantee avoiding a pregnancy is abstinence

I know besides the point but why did you feel the need to give both your ages to the month like your babies? Why not round up?

I don't know why people are scratching your eyes out for saying he didn't want a mediocre life with this woman - it literally has nothing to do with your question 🙄

I think he sounds fantastic OP. He wants to be as involved as possible but also being sensible by having a DNA test done. It's a huge hurdle in your relationship for sure, but if you want a life with him, it's something you'll both have to come to terms with together. Trusting that he wants a relationship with you will be the hardest bit, but keep talking with him and expressing this insecurity and let him make you feel safe.

Life is not always doom and gloom like posters on here like to make out. Go with your gut about him, you know more about him than any random person on here. Wishing you the best.

This is true actually. It’s not like he’s got a teenager who you can do nice things with or who is arguably more likely to be past a phase where they make being a step-parent difficult. I have a friend whose relationship was nearly ruined by a youngish step-daughter who used to make up lies about her. I personally just wouldn’t have stuck around. Not worth the pain. If she’s breastfeeding, his contact will have to be spent with his ex even more. Even if she’s not, babies like to me close to their mother for a good few years.

Why are you mentioning what he earns and you that you are both ambitious?

What's that got to do with the price of fish?

Very snobby, be careful when you fall of your high horse!

I wouldnt bother sticking around in this relationship. He needs space to learn about being a dad and has a lot he'll need to deal with over the next few years. Regardless of when he found out, the baby needs to be his priority now (DNA confirmed of course) and to be honest he sounds like a bit of a mug about anyway. Moving in after 3 months, after having unprotected sex with someone else he's calling odd names? Just weird.
You've been together barely any time at all. Bow out.

I'd be out of there OP! He had sex with his ex end of August. They split up and 6 weeks later he has moved on to you. 12 weeks later you move in. 9 months later he's a Dad. Honestly, that's one hell of a year and not one I'd want to be part of. He's a certainly a busy boy.

October was 6 months ago not 8. Well it was last time I checked and I really hope I haven't lost 2 months as that means I'm nearer my next birthday.

Oh and I don't hate men I hate people who talk down to people, people who think they're better because they have money or a high flying job. Mediocre is a word used to describe someone or something in derogatory way as well.

And you have absolutely zero information about how this man would be in a relationship or marriage. Zero.

Your refernce was to now - maintain your independence, he won't support you. Shouldn't you be saying the same to her?

The number of people on here who don't seem to understand that you can absolutely get pregnant while using condoms is fucking insane.

With perfect use they are still only 98% effective. With usual use, they are only 87% effective.

@WonderingPondering1806 As hard as it may be I would move on from this guy. You are only 6 months or so into the relationship and this is going to change your relationship in a massive way. I also don’t really believe he had no clue until now or that she managed to get to this stage without either telling him or him finding out on the grape vine. This exact situation happened to my cousin but the guy knew all along, he just pretend he had only found out when his ex was almost due. If your boyfriends ex really has waited until now to tell him that would also ring alarm bells for me. Either way, whether stay with him or not, the relationship as you knew it has ended.

This one is a tough one. Do you still have your own place? If so I would offer to move out for a little while and let him be a dad. This is all brand new to him, he needs time to adjust and equally a lot of time with the baby. As horrible as it feels, I would suggest giving him space and letting him figure things out. He can tell you everything and genuinely mean it but things can change quickly with a baby. There’s nothing to suggest he will want the ex back as they didn’t work the first time and life with a newborn is difficult but he needs to be there for her and that might be hard for you to watch.
He has a family now and that changes things in your relationship, he has a daughter and should now put her needs first.
You can still be together and have a good strong relationship and in time you may be able to be a part of the child’s life but your relationship is still quite new and fatherhood is very new to him.

Well because she moved in with him - ie given up whatever living arrangements she had.

Personally I think I'd walk away once the child is confirmed as his.
The life you thought you'd have with him,won't be once a child is involved.

You've no idea what the Mother will be like.Could withhold contact etc.

If you're feeling jealous now it'll get much worse.

Really? You have never had a friend who didn't think her ex was anything but amazing? You have never had a friend who talked negtively about an ex? You have never had a friend say a guy she dated wasn't ambitious enough and was happy with a mediocre life?

I have no idea what world you live in where ever person you know only has amazing positive fantastic praise and compliments to say about all their exes. Surely you have at least seen tv shows or movies or social media where the break up wasn't great and someone didn't love their ex - it can't be a completely foreign of an idea to you. If you have read threads on this board - you will see the same sentiments as OPs boyfriend mentioned about exes - many people even on her complain about their exes.

Be careful if you do have kids with him, being a parent can be boring and tedious at times. Cancels all spontantainity Your whole world now revolves around this little baby then child etc. it completely changes your focus; socially, work and home life.
Do you want children? If so how are you going to keep up with you both having such high flying careers and being parents?

Do you want to be a mum to someone else's child is what you need to ask yourself.

How will your career be affected (eg can you please come home early because baby is coming over and I have a very important meeting)
Will it affect you having your own kids (he already has one now)
How will it affect you social life (often dads have kids at weekends)

You are financially stable enough not to need caught up in someone else's drama IMO.

Wait until he gets the dna test and then she e how you feel. Btw the dates don't work out. His ex is either lying, the baby was born premature or he is lying about the last time they were together.

I would not want to deal with this after only 6 months. It would be different if he already had a child when you met, but dealing with a newborn will mean he is going to be spending a lot of time with his ex (if she allows it).

If someone moves in with you, you have to take over and support them? Why? She has a job - she can still be an independent person while living with someone else.

The dates work out fine. He was with the woman for 4/5 months - there is nothing that says she got pregnant the last time they were together. Many women don't find out they are pregnant for a few weeks or longer.

Well these odd situations can occur OP- just google Salma Hyak and henri pincault situation when they met but in reality you will soon get to see what’s really going on in the next few months. A reconciliation between them is very doubtful more like unpleasantness and you having to deal with a baby in your life that you didn’t plan- look after yourself x

Blimey! He’s determined to avoid “mediocrity” isn’t he? 🤣 I hope you and he have a life together that’s the total opposite of “mediocre”. Don’t rely on him if you become ill ….. or pregnant though …… You sound very naïve and I hope you’re not back on here in a few months, wishing you’d listened to the sensible advice some posters have given you. When you think you’re in love you’ll just carry on though. We all do, so no shame, but I fear this “non mediocre” man will prove his mediocrity soon enough 🤷🏻‍♀️

Have only read OP’s posts. From what you’ve said I don’t think it’s enormously life changing - for you both in terms of lifestyle. Though psychologically it is for him.

He wasn’t married to her, so won’t have to pay large amounts of maintenance, just basically enough to bring the child up and would presume even if he went 50:50 in terms of custody that it wouldn’t be enormously intrusive because he can afford childcare and you are at the stage of settling down too so not a huge difference in terms of age of any children you’d have with him. For example you’d not be trailing to the bowling alley with this child and have your own miss out on softplay. Likely a similar age.

I would be skeptical if the baby is his, wait on the DNA. Negotiations with the mother I think you can handle together, you’re both driven, smart and can afford superior legal advice if it comes to it.

Yes ideally you would have wanted this experience with him for the first time, however labour is barbaric and newborns totally exhausting so perhaps having a part time kiddo around might prepare you for what’s ahead?

I think you need to ask yourself if you really want this for yourself - a man with ties elsewhere, as if the baby is his then there will be more bumps in the road and diverted finances from your potential offspring.

You do sound solid together and strong yourself. Take it day by day and try to come to terms with the shock.

In what way do yuo think the dates don't work out?

I don't know if you're willfully misunderstanding or if I'm very bad at explaining, but surely you can see that giving up your home to move in with someone else after only 3 months does leave you somewhat dependant on them, even if only for practical reasons?