Boyfriend of 8 months has just found out an ex has had a baby

[WonderingPondering1806]

Hello all

Im not a mum but I’m hoping to get some advice from people who are.
Context I am 28, 29 in a month my bf is 29, 30 in a month. We met in October last year and it’s been the best relationship of my life. I’m not exaggerating. We spoke for 8 hours the first time we spoke and we went on holiday within a month and I moved in after 3 months. We met on bumble. We’re both successful him more than me he’s on 6 figures and I’m not far behind. We’re both really ambitious and equally as dorky.
Anyways his last encounter before we met was the end of august. Tbf my last encounter before him was shorter so I’m not mad at that lol
His situation ended badly to the point they blocked eachother. Last last week the ex got in contact with him via LinkedIn to let him know she’s having a baby and it’s his. He had all of a week to come to terms with it and she was born last Sunday.
He wants to be as involved as possible and is willing to support her. He still loves me and he still wants our life and future together.
Hes still going to do a dna because you never know especially since they were rocky at the end. They broke up because in his words, they had nothing in common, she was talking to other guys, she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life (which he definitely isn’t and I’m not either) and she had another child. I’m sure there was negative points on his side too but I only have his side.

Basically my question/ advice I’m seeking is how to be ok with it because right now I’m not and I think I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help it. I feel jealous I’m not the one to share all this with him for the first time. He still wants kids with me and marriage and everything. Hes been very reassuring so that’s something but I can’t help it. And I don’t want to end up resenting anyone.
Its not the issue of him having a child. I’ve dated guys before with kids. It’s because it’s so fresh and I have no idea where they stand with eachother other than his word, whereas in the past it’s been guys that haven’t been with their exes for years. What if she wins him back in my head. She’s the mother of his child. They could be this happy family unit. I’ve never been insecure before this but this has really thrown me.
I love him more than anything and I want us to work but I hate how I feel.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate all perspectives but please don’t be mean. Like I said I’m not a mum and I know I’m not handling it well I’m just looking for advice. Thanks 🙏

and that’s not fair really to say about him. What if she said she was on something but lied. They were together and it wasn’t a ons or what if it failed

You say they were together 4/5 months. That’s not a relationship as such. What man doesn’t use protection in a relationship of that duration no matter what the woman says? At that point there is absolutely no way you know someone well enough to really know whether they lie or not, so he is a fool.

If you met in October last year, you have been together 6 months which is also not long enough to truly know someone. Given you seem to think 4/5 and 6 month relationships are quite long and deep, I’m guessing you are quite young (or just naive)? I’d think of bailing this, doesn’t sound like the ex is amicable which is potentially setting you up for 20 years of angst and misery.

I think some of the frustration on this thread is directed at the OP’s partner but I suspect a lot of it came as a result of reading some of the replies. I came across a lot of the same tired tropes:

• suggestion of the ex lying about being on contraception
• implying she trapped him as he does okay
• insinuating she’s been sleeping around and it’s not his baby
• Essentially the man’s one-sided version of events in which the mother of his child is criticised.

Not saying this is going on here but, in a related way, I am personally sick of hearing women I know buy into the whole narrative of “His ex is crazy and she’s poisoned his child against him” but no consideration of why else a man might be absent in his child’s life. I know some of the things above happen but not as much as it’s claimed to, I suspect.

So if she's just given birth and they split end of August, would she not have been about 2 months pregnant at the time and, therefore, knew when they split?Assuming full term.
Any way, did he claim she was in contact with others before he knew about the baby or is he trying to give hope after the fact?
Either way, nothing you can do until DNA results, so wait till you know applies, then deal.

If I were you are I really wanted the relationship I would try to make it work.

The not wanting to 'carry' someone would bother me though. Not that I think it's bad to be a successful person who is attracted to other successful people.
It's more that in a strong life partnership you never know what will happen; you should always be willing to support the other person if circumstances require it and they shouldn't have to feel bad about it.

Job loss, disability, mental illness, childcare....

I'm near the same age as op and I wouldn't believe him. My friends have been burnt by men like this. Life can be mediocre and dull at times its just how it is.

Am I crap at maths or he is a big lier. She clearly was pregnant then when he left 🤔 Have you seen for yourself the texts her telling him as it being brand new news to him the other week she's having a baby that's the only thing that would prove he never knew. Either way he jumped from bed to bed so get some respect and get out while you can. Don't always assume what your told about an ex gf is true either as a prick only jumps from woman to woman

If the Dna test confirms he is the father I would end the relationship.

Having a child is difficult as it is,.but having a child with someone else and still be in a relationship will be extremely difficult.

I think 8 months is too soon to say you're in deep and its better to the rip the bandaid off now then later with more complications.

You will find the right person eventually.

Very negative comments towards the OP so I wanted to put some positivity on it.

There are many saying that OP has only known him 6 months and so she is not in deep enough and should just walk away. That is not easy when you have already fallen in love with someone. By this stage, I was engaged and had a wedding date set with DH. OP can't just turn her feelings off suddenly. It doesn't matter how quickly their relationship moved, as long as both were happy with it.

Others were also saying that he would be tied to his ex forever and be in her home and even stay overnight due to the child. It is possible to spend time with baby without becoming enmeshed with the mother. For example, dad could take the baby out for an hour or 2 and build it up slowly while baby is little. When baby is around 1, there should be no reason why he can't have him overnight and spend block periods with baby at your home. The ex doesn't need to be there as he is an equal parent and does not need supervising.

OP I've been a step-mum for 9 years and it has been hard at times (court battles with the ex) but the love DH and I have for each other got us through those times. If you and your partner truly love each other, you can overcome this, depending on how he handles it and if he talks to you about your feelings on the matter.

A lot of speculation on this thread in an attempt to paint the partner as some monster.

Basically my question/ advice I’m seeking is how to be ok with it because right now I’m not and I think I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help it. I feel jealous I’m not the one to share all this with him for the first time.

You don't need to be okay with it. It is not unreasonable to feel this way, and since you have been together only six months, you can leave.

You can even put it in terminology that he can understand if you tell him that you don't want 'a mediocre life' playing second fiddle to a single dad.

OP can't just turn her feelings off suddenly.

No she can’t.

She has come on this thread to try to explore if she is unreasonable to feel not OK with it all and to feel jealous - she should not repress these very important feelings at this time.

As to the BF spending time with the baby as you suggest - that is all for the first few years at the gift of the x - she doesn’t have to let her baby out of her sight ….. and each of these will need to be negotiated between a fractious couple who ended badly…..and as per the testimony of another PPs lived life experience can refuse for the baby (until the age of 4 in her case) to be in the company of the OP.

What if she has her own DC in the next 4 years - her partner could be absent and leaving her to parent alone EOW or 50/50 depending on what the mother of the new baby dictates.

However the most important thing is that the OP establishes whether her BF knew about the pregnancy before last week and withheld this info and has lied and been deceptive and duplicitous to her.

I have to say that having a mediocre life is also having kids. Suddenly you have to work your life around someone else, you are more tired than you tho if they possibly and can't jet off for mini breaks or party every weekend. And all your money is spent on said child.

If his ex already had a child, of course she was happy with a mediocre life. Your dp must have realised this surely?

The fact they blocked each other speaks volumes. I would do more digging. This doesn't hang together.

With due respect this doesn’t sound remotely like your situation. The op is not just moving fast in the relationship but doing so while her man has a whole big drama going on and into which she feels she is being dragged into. She says that she feels bad about not being happy with the situation. I and others think she should honour those feelings and get out.

Presumably you knew about your dh’s kids going into your relationship. Op was hit with it a few months into relationship when she was dreaming of building a life with someone she discovers that he will be doing what she hoped to do with someone he doesn’t seem to even like. op’s partner is not going to be as available to her as he should be at this stage in the relationship and she deserves that. She deserves better. Who needs all that drama? Better off choosing mediocre.

Even if he is being honest about not knowing sooner (dubious) your relationship won't be the same ever again. Personally I'd cut my losses on this one, some of his comments sound very odd and I agree with a PP to take someone slagging their ex off with a pinch of salt, especially if they're 'crazy' or it was a bad break up. Sure we all moan about exes I'm sure but to a new partner always seems like they're setting themselves up nicely so if the ex ever says anything they can just say they don't know what they're on about they're crazy remember.

This thread is a good list of names to call women who break up with and say they left their ex because...

he was talking to other women

had no ambition, low salary, and was happy to stay that way (knowing she had a high salary)

she realized that being with a single dad wasn't for her

she said her ex was abusive as we now know that means she was the abusive one and is trying to make him look bad and cray to cover for her abusive behaviour

she isn't prepared to carry her ex or new partner financially for life

or if she mentions telling a new partner anything negative or any negative experiences or incompatilities with a previous partner.

I will be sure to direct some of the names from this thread at women who say any of the above and it seems many from this thread will jump on board and slag her off as they have done here as she will clearly to them be a degenerate asshole who should be dumped by a new partner immediately. This is definitely an eye opener to know how many are really calling women all kinds of names for these things.

I daresay the ex was leading a ‘mediocre’ life as she was a single parent and put her child first. Now he has a child how will he adapt his life to fit in his new daughter? Not sure how this will pan out for this man and the op.

@Ooolaaaala She definitely shouldn't turn her feelings off, she must feel shocked and devastated. I just wanted her to see a more positive side as everyone was being so negative. No, the ex doesn't have to let the baby out of her sight but that's what the courts are for if she starts to be unreasonable and controlling. If the dad gets unsupervised contact through the court (which will happen unless safeguarding concerns) then the ex can't stop OP from being around the baby. The only way she could stop it would be a PSO through the court but she would have to prove OP was a danger to the child - which is unlikely.

@HyacinthBookay The OP had no idea all this was happening though while she was 'moving fast'. There were no children to consider at that point so if they both felt comfortable moving at that pace it then why not? I had a lot of drama when my relationship first started and I questioned whether to carry on but I'm glad I did. We have had continuous drama with his ex for 9 years but it's still worth it to me.

First step is to do the DNA test and then take it from there. It might not even be his.

Whether the partner knew about the pregnancy: my guess is that it might have been complicated and he has plausible deniability.

For example: say contraception fails and a male partner asks their girlfriend when they would get emergency contraception. A girlfriend with a child already might reasonably say, I don't want to put hormones into my body; it made me sick before; we seem to get getting on well and I don't want a very large gap between my children in any case... triggering a row where the male partner reveals their hand, that they don't see this as a permanent relationship, and the relationship ends.

In that situation, we might well see a guy immediately going onto Bumble and crossing their fingers. And having had a fright, they become more determined at finding the right person, regardless of whether they will be right for the women out there if they suddenly discover a surprise child down the line.

Then whoops, 8-9 months later, he has to pull his head out of the sand. And while he can truthfully say he didn't know, he did know it might be possible - hence the frantic quest for the ideal partner, the girl who 'isn't like other girls', overwhelming them with 8 hours on a first chat.

It's sad, but the OP will clearly make her own choice and is probably in the honeymoon stage where she just can't be rational.

It's the little assumptions that need mythbusting, like any assumption that he will somehow make it up to her. But he can't. He has less to offer now. Her needs now come third - below the child, and below himself and his commitment to his job, which he needs to double-down on so he can provide and be a good parent. Time, attention and money don't magically expand in line with guilt. He will be dancing between more spinning plates, and sometimes they will crash, and OP will find she has to look out for herself - and how could she have expected otherwise?

Priorities will have to change promptly to put the welfare of the child first - the right thing to do - which will leave little time or space to come to terms with the situation.

The former girlfriend has something her partner wants - his child - and would be foolish not to negotiate the best possible deal with him, whether in terms of him providing help and support, or money, or both.

The OP may also find her partner playing a mental health card - she is the only one who can get him through this, he can't live without her, it would be unfair and cruel for her to ruin his life when it isn't his fault, he doesn't know what he will do...

Courts are highly unlikely to give unsupervised access of a newborn, as it is not in babies best interest. Much more likely to say visit for 1 hour 3 times a week to build up to unsupervised and longer contact as baby grows.

@Gondala Why is it not in baby's best interests? Dad taking baby out for an hour here and there surely wouldn't be an issue. It's the same as if a grandparent had baby for an hour.

It's hard for courts to stimplulate 'baby should be happy with a walk in the pram between 3 and 4 on Wednesday' so it doesn't happen. There's more of an expectation to coparent maturely and if that cannot happen then a contact center would be used. Newborns are not forcibly taken from mother's arms.

@Gondala It wouldn't need to say that though. It would say something like

"The mother must make the child available for contact with the father every Wednesday 1:00-2.00pm"

Then it could set out a timetable for progression.

The guidelines now are to start overnights before separation anxiety sets in. Usually at around 4-6 months (depending on breastfeeding). By 6 months a breastfed baby can drink from a bottle / cup and take solids and can be away from a parent for longer periods. Many parents leave a child at this age at daycare or in childcare or with a family member or sitter for many hours. So a child going with their other parent is also appropriate.

The research shows it is better and does harm to the child to have fathers involved earlier than later with shared custody. That is a change from years gone by it was more at 1-2 years that a father would start getting longer stretches and overnights. That is now a debunked view as it is harder for a child to adapt to major changes at that age than earlier.

It doesn't happen with newborns because it is not in their best interest. If newborn is cluster feeding or asleep between 1 and 2 it is not in their best interests to wake them to play Daddy. Either way mediation is needed first then takes around 12 weeks just to a first hearing where a judge will ask why they couldn't maturely coparent.

I've yet to see a hearing where overnights are forced on an under one.

Some people put their babies into childcare from 6 weeks onward so I don't really see the difference. Dad is just as capable as mum. Of course breastfeeding brings challenges but if baby is fed just before seeing dad then it should be ok for an hour.

What makes you think a court wouldn't allow contact as a newborn? In everyday life, babies are not with their mother 24/7