Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend of 8 months has just found out an ex has had a baby

320 replies

WonderingPondering1806 · 22/04/2023 11:43

Hello all

Im not a mum but I’m hoping to get some advice from people who are.
Context I am 28, 29 in a month my bf is 29, 30 in a month. We met in October last year and it’s been the best relationship of my life. I’m not exaggerating. We spoke for 8 hours the first time we spoke and we went on holiday within a month and I moved in after 3 months. We met on bumble. We’re both successful him more than me he’s on 6 figures and I’m not far behind. We’re both really ambitious and equally as dorky.
Anyways his last encounter before we met was the end of august. Tbf my last encounter before him was shorter so I’m not mad at that lol
His situation ended badly to the point they blocked eachother. Last last week the ex got in contact with him via LinkedIn to let him know she’s having a baby and it’s his. He had all of a week to come to terms with it and she was born last Sunday.
He wants to be as involved as possible and is willing to support her. He still loves me and he still wants our life and future together.
Hes still going to do a dna because you never know especially since they were rocky at the end. They broke up because in his words, they had nothing in common, she was talking to other guys, she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life (which he definitely isn’t and I’m not either) and she had another child. I’m sure there was negative points on his side too but I only have his side.

Basically my question/ advice I’m seeking is how to be ok with it because right now I’m not and I think I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help it. I feel jealous I’m not the one to share all this with him for the first time. He still wants kids with me and marriage and everything. Hes been very reassuring so that’s something but I can’t help it. And I don’t want to end up resenting anyone.
Its not the issue of him having a child. I’ve dated guys before with kids. It’s because it’s so fresh and I have no idea where they stand with eachother other than his word, whereas in the past it’s been guys that haven’t been with their exes for years. What if she wins him back in my head. She’s the mother of his child. They could be this happy family unit. I’ve never been insecure before this but this has really thrown me.
I love him more than anything and I want us to work but I hate how I feel.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate all perspectives but please don’t be mean. Like I said I’m not a mum and I know I’m not handling it well I’m just looking for advice. Thanks 🙏

OP posts:
Original poster
WonderingPondering1806 · 22/04/2023 13:45

Dontcutthedaisies · 22/04/2023 12:19

Honestly, you've moved way too fast. Moving in after 3 months! You don't really know this guy yet.
Maybe get an std check too if he was having unprotected sex.

I agree we moved very fast.
in terms of the std I literally did one the first time we did anything and I trust this hasn’t been a back and forth.

OP posts:
WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 22/04/2023 13:46

Neither his or your salaries have anything to do with it, also, having money doesn’t mean you don’t have a ‘mediocre life’.

Original poster
WonderingPondering1806 · 22/04/2023 13:47

MattDamon · 22/04/2023 12:23

How long were they together that he was having unprotected sex with her? Agree about getting yourself tested ASAP.

He said about 4/5 months. I literally got checked after the first time I did anything with him. And I trust it has it hasn’t been a back and forth honestly

OP posts:
Laughloveloneliness · 22/04/2023 13:48

Honestly OP, what he will expect you to put up with due to him having a baby will not be good. He is starting a new chapter that you are not involved with. Look at the step parenting threads to see what crap will be thrown your way. You deserve so much more than having your life dictated to by these two people.

Original poster
WonderingPondering1806 · 22/04/2023 13:48

It was a bad break up apparently.

OP posts:
Planesmistakenforstars · 22/04/2023 13:49

So the baby was at least 4 weeks premature? Hope the mother and baby are okay.

Original poster
WonderingPondering1806 · 22/04/2023 13:50

Blossomed · 22/04/2023 13:29

Do the dates definitely work out? If they were last together in August (and given that you start counting weeks typically a week or 2 before you actually conceive, ie first day of your last period), she must be due imminently. It’s pretty late in the day to be bringing it up 😳

Show quote history

This is a good point hence why he’s doing the dna

OP posts:
Peapodburgundybouquet · 22/04/2023 13:50

Your feelings are natural and totally understandable. A hand grenade has just been lobbed into the middle of your happy relationship.

Where you go from here, I don’t know. But I wanted you to feel heard and understood.

Cass1234 · 22/04/2023 13:51

Hi best to wait until the DNA results are in and then you can see what the future holds.
I am not surprised you are in shock. However imagine the shock your guy has had. You can get through this it will take time to adjust. If you think about it
he could be telling you many things that are a lot worse than this. Think about that.

I think you both need to tell one another how you are feeling. Once that conversation is out of the way you both will feel calmer and able to move forward.
If it turns out the baby is your guys child. remember none of this is of the baby's
making. You sound to me like the type of person who could make room in your life for a little stranger.
Take care, try not to worry and Best Wishes for the future.

Titusgroan · 22/04/2023 13:52

Blossomed · 22/04/2023 13:29

Do the dates definitely work out? If they were last together in August (and given that you start counting weeks typically a week or 2 before you actually conceive, ie first day of your last period), she must be due imminently. It’s pretty late in the day to be bringing it up 😳

Show quote history

Baby was born last Sunday

Derbee · 22/04/2023 13:52

DNA test. If it’s his, you need to allow him to be as involved as they both want, and you need to be ok with it.

If you’re not ok with it, you need to walk away from the relationship, as it’s not fair to come between him and his child.

Wait for the DNA results, and take it from there

Username84 · 22/04/2023 13:53

I'm not sure how you could live something you wouldn't define as a mediocre life while step parenting with a difficult lot ex. He either dumps all responsibility on her in which case he's a bad father and would be to your children too, or he is tied physically and financially. You can't move away. You can't go traveling. You can't take that job abroad. You can't spontaneously pop away for the weekend if it's his time with the child. You're potentially looking at a court battle over contact and maintenance if she's difficult. You'll have to take another child in to consideration when balancing two big careers.

Take the DNA test and if the child is his decide if he's worth the bother.

QueenSmartypants · 22/04/2023 13:53

Hmm, love bombing much?

Stravaig · 22/04/2023 13:54

I hope you're using contraception OP, competently and reliably. Juggling 2 babies by two different mothers will not improve this situation. He clearly can't be trusted to have sex safely.

Notanothernewname · 22/04/2023 13:54

WonderingPondering1806 · 22/04/2023 13:50

This is a good point hence why he’s doing the dna

Show quote history

Not necessarily, as they were together for 4-5 months and she's had the baby I would say it's probably his and may not be early, she could have concieved in July.

Original poster
WonderingPondering1806 · 22/04/2023 13:54

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 22/04/2023 13:46

Neither his or your salaries have anything to do with it, also, having money doesn’t mean you don’t have a ‘mediocre life’.

Ok I apologise how that came out and it’s not to slight anyone. I just mean we’re both super ambitious and that’s a quality he values hence why they didn’t work out. He doesn’t want a partnership where he’s carrying them and he said he thought that’s what would happen with them. He’s always been more attracted to an equal and supportive thing. An example is that I just got a promotion and he literally couldn’t stop telling me how proud he was of me.
Its really not to say I think we’re better or anything but ambition and career is a factor we both really value. I added it to show why they didn’t work out. I really apologise I don’t want to sound snobby. I’m from a working class and I would never think that way.

OP posts:
Muu · 22/04/2023 13:54

Alarm bells.

I know you’re worried about jealousy but I’d be more concerned about being a step mum and my partner having an ex he doesn’t respect and can’t stand. You don’t have to deal with this.

Also I’m sceptical that she only told him at the last minute. I think he knew about the pregnancy earlier but didn’t want to put you off. That would also tie in with moving very quickly with you, talking about marriage and children so quickly. Are you being sweet talked.

Clymene · 22/04/2023 13:54

whitebreadjamsandwich · 22/04/2023 13:40

He last slept with her end August? Was baby early? A mid August first day of last period gives her a end May due date

Excellent point.

Unless the baby is in NICU, then he's lying about not knowing she was pregnant when he dumped her in August.

STARCATCHER22 · 22/04/2023 13:55

WonderingPondering1806 · 22/04/2023 13:47

He said about 4/5 months. I literally got checked after the first time I did anything with him. And I trust it has it hasn’t been a back and forth honestly

Show quote history

Christ. He doesn’t muck about. 4-5 months was long enough to decide to stop using contraception with her and then have a bad break up. 6 months with you and he’s moved in.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/04/2023 13:55

The reality is that if he’s actually a good guy and is intending to take on anywhere near his fair share of responsibilities then there are no “ground rules” you can give a man about to be parenting a newborn with an ex - because taking proper responsibility should involve e.g. being at his ex’s house with her daily for a couple of hours to bond with his baby, even overnights at her house for the first couple weeks so they can share the night wakings if his ex wanted it. He isn’t going to be having this baby on his own for several months, so if he actually wants to be a dad then it’s all going to involve spending a lot of time with his ex. I can’t see many women being happy at sitting at home alone every evening whilst their boyfriend is at his ex’s house being a family. Either he’s going to end up being a crap dad who sees his baby very little, or you’re going to take very much a back seat in his life for at least the next year.

Is that really the life you want, at a point in your relationship where it should still all be fun and carefree?

frdsg · 22/04/2023 13:56

If he was having unprotected sex for 4/5 months it's a possibility she was already pregnant the last time they slept together in August. So baby not necessarily early.

Why was he having unprotected sex with her for so long? Surely he knew that would have a high chance of leading to pregnancy.

Clymene · 22/04/2023 13:56

And I'd put money on him pressuring her to have an abortion too because it didn't fit with his vision of being super successful.

OP, if you want to have kids, this man is not the man for you. He will write you off as mediocre.

Original poster
WonderingPondering1806 · 22/04/2023 13:56

Stravaig · 22/04/2023 13:54

I hope you're using contraception OP, competently and reliably. Juggling 2 babies by two different mothers will not improve this situation. He clearly can't be trusted to have sex safely.

One million percent. I always have and have always been safe.
and that’s not fair really to say about him. What if she said she was on something but lied. They were together and it wasn’t a ons
or what if it failed.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 22/04/2023 13:57

Wait for the DNA test. No need to make any decision until then. Then if you do go on to have a child together you'll know it won't be the first time for him but provided he treats all his children well he is earning enough to cover the cost of this baby. Will he step up and be a proper Dad though?

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 22/04/2023 13:58

Lavenderlaze · 22/04/2023 13:03

I think I'd be binning him off for the 'mediocre life' comment. He sounds like an insufferable prick.

But then you felt the need to mention income etc so it's sounds like you share those sentiments.

Same. You both sound like bores who measure success in life by income. I’d have run out the door at the comment about her being happy with a mediocre life. Not too mediocre to shag without a condom though? Probably one of these guys who love bombs the shit out of women at the beginning.