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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend of 8 months has just found out an ex has had a baby

320 replies

WonderingPondering1806 · 22/04/2023 11:43

Hello all

Im not a mum but I’m hoping to get some advice from people who are.
Context I am 28, 29 in a month my bf is 29, 30 in a month. We met in October last year and it’s been the best relationship of my life. I’m not exaggerating. We spoke for 8 hours the first time we spoke and we went on holiday within a month and I moved in after 3 months. We met on bumble. We’re both successful him more than me he’s on 6 figures and I’m not far behind. We’re both really ambitious and equally as dorky.
Anyways his last encounter before we met was the end of august. Tbf my last encounter before him was shorter so I’m not mad at that lol
His situation ended badly to the point they blocked eachother. Last last week the ex got in contact with him via LinkedIn to let him know she’s having a baby and it’s his. He had all of a week to come to terms with it and she was born last Sunday.
He wants to be as involved as possible and is willing to support her. He still loves me and he still wants our life and future together.
Hes still going to do a dna because you never know especially since they were rocky at the end. They broke up because in his words, they had nothing in common, she was talking to other guys, she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life (which he definitely isn’t and I’m not either) and she had another child. I’m sure there was negative points on his side too but I only have his side.

Basically my question/ advice I’m seeking is how to be ok with it because right now I’m not and I think I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help it. I feel jealous I’m not the one to share all this with him for the first time. He still wants kids with me and marriage and everything. Hes been very reassuring so that’s something but I can’t help it. And I don’t want to end up resenting anyone.
Its not the issue of him having a child. I’ve dated guys before with kids. It’s because it’s so fresh and I have no idea where they stand with eachother other than his word, whereas in the past it’s been guys that haven’t been with their exes for years. What if she wins him back in my head. She’s the mother of his child. They could be this happy family unit. I’ve never been insecure before this but this has really thrown me.
I love him more than anything and I want us to work but I hate how I feel.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate all perspectives but please don’t be mean. Like I said I’m not a mum and I know I’m not handling it well I’m just looking for advice. Thanks 🙏

OP posts:
whathaveiforgottentoday · 22/04/2023 13:28

Understandable that you're finding it hard to process. If you think he's telling the truth, then wait and see. I would want to see results of blood tests and that he was absolutely telling the truth. If anything turns out to be a lie on his part, I would run away!

However, if all truthful, and his first reaction is to do the right thing, this may be a good thing.

I would just be a little wary. After all, these things do happen and the bloke is not always the bad guy.

coretext · 22/04/2023 13:28

Take it slow. Get a DNA test, and give it a few more months to process

Hellno45 · 22/04/2023 13:28

It's meant to say moving to fast but loving to fast works.

TheDuchessOfMN · 22/04/2023 13:28

And I think that many posters have missed the bit that she already has a child. It’s a horrible opinion to have of her, IMO.

Gondala · 22/04/2023 13:28

Just to add, you've said you wouldn't be happy with a mediocre life either so on that basis you should leave as a life with small children in it is not for you.

Landndialamrhf · 22/04/2023 13:29

9 months ago he was having unprotected sex with someone else, who he seemingly didn’t respect very much, and getting them pregnant
and now he’s already moved in with you and talking marriage and kids?
that all seems a bit much.
You’ve not made him sound great, which is interesting since it seemed like you tried to?

i think it’s normal to feel jealousy in this situation. I think you need to jump in and completely support him, be whatever kindof step mum he wants you to be to the child and be there knowing this child and his ex will be part of your lives forever, or you need to back out now.
if youre already living together I don’t think you can just be half in on this.

Blossomed · 22/04/2023 13:29

WonderingPondering1806 · 22/04/2023 11:43

Hello all

Im not a mum but I’m hoping to get some advice from people who are.
Context I am 28, 29 in a month my bf is 29, 30 in a month. We met in October last year and it’s been the best relationship of my life. I’m not exaggerating. We spoke for 8 hours the first time we spoke and we went on holiday within a month and I moved in after 3 months. We met on bumble. We’re both successful him more than me he’s on 6 figures and I’m not far behind. We’re both really ambitious and equally as dorky.
Anyways his last encounter before we met was the end of august. Tbf my last encounter before him was shorter so I’m not mad at that lol
His situation ended badly to the point they blocked eachother. Last last week the ex got in contact with him via LinkedIn to let him know she’s having a baby and it’s his. He had all of a week to come to terms with it and she was born last Sunday.
He wants to be as involved as possible and is willing to support her. He still loves me and he still wants our life and future together.
Hes still going to do a dna because you never know especially since they were rocky at the end. They broke up because in his words, they had nothing in common, she was talking to other guys, she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life (which he definitely isn’t and I’m not either) and she had another child. I’m sure there was negative points on his side too but I only have his side.

Basically my question/ advice I’m seeking is how to be ok with it because right now I’m not and I think I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help it. I feel jealous I’m not the one to share all this with him for the first time. He still wants kids with me and marriage and everything. Hes been very reassuring so that’s something but I can’t help it. And I don’t want to end up resenting anyone.
Its not the issue of him having a child. I’ve dated guys before with kids. It’s because it’s so fresh and I have no idea where they stand with eachother other than his word, whereas in the past it’s been guys that haven’t been with their exes for years. What if she wins him back in my head. She’s the mother of his child. They could be this happy family unit. I’ve never been insecure before this but this has really thrown me.
I love him more than anything and I want us to work but I hate how I feel.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate all perspectives but please don’t be mean. Like I said I’m not a mum and I know I’m not handling it well I’m just looking for advice. Thanks 🙏

Do the dates definitely work out? If they were last together in August (and given that you start counting weeks typically a week or 2 before you actually conceive, ie first day of your last period), she must be due imminently. It’s pretty late in the day to be bringing it up 😳

Landndialamrhf · 22/04/2023 13:30

Sorry I should say whatever kindof step mum you and he want you to be - but it should be a discussion

and also assuming the dna test shows the baby is his

CurtainsBeforeMorning · 22/04/2023 13:31

I found myself in a very similar situation.

Six years later and I’m still with my partner, we have a daughter of our own, and I’m very much a step mum to his son.

It was the hardest experience of my life, and I definitely was not okay with it for some time. I’ve learnt lots and we’ve really grown as a couple through some really tough times.

Happy to catch up privately if you think it will help.

Blossomed · 22/04/2023 13:32

Blossomed · 22/04/2023 13:29

Do the dates definitely work out? If they were last together in August (and given that you start counting weeks typically a week or 2 before you actually conceive, ie first day of your last period), she must be due imminently. It’s pretty late in the day to be bringing it up 😳

Show quote history

Sorry, missed the bit where you said she had been born!!! That’s a lot to get your head around in such a short period of time!

QuickGuide · 22/04/2023 13:33

Personally I'd step aside for a while at least.

Lifes hard an complicated, especially with a new baby from an old relationship.

This relationship isn't going to make you feel good.

aNewYorkerInLondon · 22/04/2023 13:33

Also, don't let people make you feel bad about striving for something more out of life.

He didn't say "she is mediocre," he said she is happy with a mediocre life. There's nothing wrong with being happy with a mediocre life, as it makes her happy.

There's also nothing wrong with working hard to achieve something more.

There are a lot of things I've liked about moving to London from New York, but something that's shocked me is how many people in England seem to disapprove of someone striving for more. It's like the old "getting above your station" mentality is still embraced.

My husband and I met and fell in love quickly. We've been together for 11 years and are as much in love now as ever. We, too, do not want a typical suburban life. That is just as ok as wanting that life. Finding someone who shares your goals is super important. We've enjoyed traveling the world and living in exciting, global cities. We enjoy the same art, sports, and sense of humor.

We've chosen to slow down for a little while and have a child. He's 1 this week and the light of our lives. We look forward to showing him the world. We intend to continue our lifestyle with him. He already has stamps in his passport and is a delight to take out with us to do the things we like to do. Certain things we love have to wait until he's bigger, such as going to the theatre and fine dining, but we consciously made that decision. He's happy to eat with us at a bistro and that's enough for now. We look forward to showing him the pyramids in Egypt, taking him to the ballet, teaching him to sail in Bermuda, visiting dinosaur dig sites, and whatever else strikes our fancy. We plan to give him an exceptional education. Children don't have to end the excitement of life, especially with two parents that make a comfortable salary.

I agree with everyone saying to tread carefully though. Make sure (as much as you can) that everything is as you have been told. Make sure that you're ok that all of his children must be his top priority equally. Understand this will mean that where you and he could live will be affected by proximity to his daughter and her mother (and it should be!).^^ His finances will be nearly-permanently affected by this.

Be calm and patient in your decision making.

Convovulus · 22/04/2023 13:33

She’s the mother of his child. They could be this happy family unit
I doubt it. It sounds like that would be too mediocre for him and money is all he's interested in. At least he'll be able to pay top dollar maintenance for his baby.

Whichnumbers · 22/04/2023 13:35

I feel jealous I’m not the one to share all this with him for the first time.

whilst I understand your feeling, this isn't the joys occasion that it should be with mum and dad together.

why didn't he use contraception? always use a condom for STI regardless of female contraception etc

hattie43 · 22/04/2023 13:35

Hmm I think as hard as it is I wouldn't continue the relationship. Your whole life with him will now be around this child assuming it's his . Your finances will be affected and his focus will be elsewhere. It may also impact any future plans you had . It's too big an ask and selfishly I'd walk away .

whynotwhatknot · 22/04/2023 13:37

well your life wiht him wont be how you envisioned now will it-he will have to have contact at his exes as the baby is newborn and it will dictate everything you do going forward

its hard enough when you know about kids that are already in their lives let alone a surprise dc

Lavenderflower · 22/04/2023 13:38

I personally would step out but ultimately, you, need decide for yourself. I would wait for the DNA test.

frdsg · 22/04/2023 13:40

Op, I think it's perfectly normal for you to feel jealous, be confused etc. There's a lot to consider.

Do you know if it was a contraception failure? I think it's pretty bad if he knew they weren't compatible and that she was mediocre yet was happy enough to have unprotected sex. If both knew it was a bit of fun and contraception was used I'd be much more open to supporting him.

That said you just need to take time to figure out if you'd be happier with him and his baby in your life than without them.

ShoesoftheWorld · 22/04/2023 13:40

gamerchick · 22/04/2023 12:52

Do you know you've made him sound like a prick OP? I don't know if it was intentional, or you've got the loved up glasses on still.

She was good enough to shag unprotected though wasn't she? I'd go for an sti screen me first and foremost

This. 'She's happy with a mediocre life, which he's not' - goodness me, he sounds full of himself and up his own arse.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 22/04/2023 13:40

He last slept with her end August? Was baby early? A mid August first day of last period gives her a end May due date

Stravaig · 22/04/2023 13:41

You need facts, not emotion. Starting with October to April is 6 months not 8.

For him, a DNA test to establish paternity. The baby may not be his. His ex may have looked at the available candidates and decided the guy with a six figure salary for child support is her best option. Or she may want him back and is using 'his' baby to bring that about - I'm always surprised how often women attempt this.

For you, an STD test. Then some clear thinking and direct questions, starting with why he was having unprotected sex in his previous relationship, and why he didn't tell you, as it puts you at risk jumping straight from one bed to another. Why was in he in such a rush to move in with you? Did he really not know his ex was pregnant; and if so, why did she not tell him; and why has she now?

You both need a LOT more factual information and far fewer romantic daydreams.

Notanothernewname · 22/04/2023 13:41

aNewYorkerInLondon · 22/04/2023 13:33

Also, don't let people make you feel bad about striving for something more out of life.

He didn't say "she is mediocre," he said she is happy with a mediocre life. There's nothing wrong with being happy with a mediocre life, as it makes her happy.

There's also nothing wrong with working hard to achieve something more.

There are a lot of things I've liked about moving to London from New York, but something that's shocked me is how many people in England seem to disapprove of someone striving for more. It's like the old "getting above your station" mentality is still embraced.

My husband and I met and fell in love quickly. We've been together for 11 years and are as much in love now as ever. We, too, do not want a typical suburban life. That is just as ok as wanting that life. Finding someone who shares your goals is super important. We've enjoyed traveling the world and living in exciting, global cities. We enjoy the same art, sports, and sense of humor.

We've chosen to slow down for a little while and have a child. He's 1 this week and the light of our lives. We look forward to showing him the world. We intend to continue our lifestyle with him. He already has stamps in his passport and is a delight to take out with us to do the things we like to do. Certain things we love have to wait until he's bigger, such as going to the theatre and fine dining, but we consciously made that decision. He's happy to eat with us at a bistro and that's enough for now. We look forward to showing him the pyramids in Egypt, taking him to the ballet, teaching him to sail in Bermuda, visiting dinosaur dig sites, and whatever else strikes our fancy. We plan to give him an exceptional education. Children don't have to end the excitement of life, especially with two parents that make a comfortable salary.

I agree with everyone saying to tread carefully though. Make sure (as much as you can) that everything is as you have been told. Make sure that you're ok that all of his children must be his top priority equally. Understand this will mean that where you and he could live will be affected by proximity to his daughter and her mother (and it should be!).^^ His finances will be nearly-permanently affected by this.

Be calm and patient in your decision making.

It's not the wanting to strive to be better that people have issue with its the way she is described and the sheer arrogance that they won't have that mediocre life. You can be ambitious without putting others down and saying their unambitious and mediocre.

I'm ambitious but I don't go around describing other people as being happy with a mediocre life.

Laughloveloneliness · 22/04/2023 13:42

If this baby turns out to be his I would walk away. I wouldn't put yourself through any of the shit that would be coming your way. You have being with him for 8 months, that is no time at all. Believe me when I say, this will not be good for you and you need to end it. He will not be worth it.

Felixss · 22/04/2023 13:43

More red flags than the communist party of China. He's stroking your ego , she's mediocre no fun etc. This will be you in 5 years having kids is the essence of mediocrity it's mundane , routine. Changing nappies then school runs he will run off and get with someone else.

FupOff · 22/04/2023 13:45

I was in this exact same situation several years ago.

In hindsight I should have ended things and let him come to terms with his new situation but I didn’t because I was blindsided by ‘love’. We aren’t together anymore, split when his child was about 8. The jealousy never really goes away and the drama of the situation just kept evolving. I felt like I had been betrayed even though my partner knew nothing of the pregnancy.

I would advise you to back off a bit until the DNA test comes through and if it is his baby then please end things. You’ll be glad you did.