Boyfriend of 8 months has just found out an ex has had a baby

[WonderingPondering1806]

Hello all

Im not a mum but I’m hoping to get some advice from people who are.
Context I am 28, 29 in a month my bf is 29, 30 in a month. We met in October last year and it’s been the best relationship of my life. I’m not exaggerating. We spoke for 8 hours the first time we spoke and we went on holiday within a month and I moved in after 3 months. We met on bumble. We’re both successful him more than me he’s on 6 figures and I’m not far behind. We’re both really ambitious and equally as dorky.
Anyways his last encounter before we met was the end of august. Tbf my last encounter before him was shorter so I’m not mad at that lol
His situation ended badly to the point they blocked eachother. Last last week the ex got in contact with him via LinkedIn to let him know she’s having a baby and it’s his. He had all of a week to come to terms with it and she was born last Sunday.
He wants to be as involved as possible and is willing to support her. He still loves me and he still wants our life and future together.
Hes still going to do a dna because you never know especially since they were rocky at the end. They broke up because in his words, they had nothing in common, she was talking to other guys, she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life (which he definitely isn’t and I’m not either) and she had another child. I’m sure there was negative points on his side too but I only have his side.

Basically my question/ advice I’m seeking is how to be ok with it because right now I’m not and I think I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help it. I feel jealous I’m not the one to share all this with him for the first time. He still wants kids with me and marriage and everything. Hes been very reassuring so that’s something but I can’t help it. And I don’t want to end up resenting anyone.
Its not the issue of him having a child. I’ve dated guys before with kids. It’s because it’s so fresh and I have no idea where they stand with eachother other than his word, whereas in the past it’s been guys that haven’t been with their exes for years. What if she wins him back in my head. She’s the mother of his child. They could be this happy family unit. I’ve never been insecure before this but this has really thrown me.
I love him more than anything and I want us to work but I hate how I feel.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate all perspectives but please don’t be mean. Like I said I’m not a mum and I know I’m not handling it well I’m just looking for advice. Thanks 🙏

It always takes systems and organizations a while to catch up on newer research and science. Changing policies and guidelines is quite a process and you have people who have done thing a certain way in court for ages and they are comfortable with what they do and don't want to change or learn something new. Change comes in time.

Some do put their babies in childcare from six weeks but most don't. I didn't say a court wouldn't allow contact, I said they wouldn't force unsupervised contact as that means forcing mum away from baby.

@Gondala What makes you think they wouldn't allow unsupervised contact with dad and baby? Genuinely interested on your reasoning, e.g. personal experience, career experience etc.

OP, the significant unknown is how he will feel and react once he actually holds his child in his arms for the first time. This is something he can only know when it happens, and that experience will likely inform all of his actions going forward.

People talk about transformation so experiences all the ti me. I have had only one truly transformational experience in my life and that was holding my first child in my arms for the first time. The man that he becomes in that moment will be the man with whom you will be dealing with going forward, but until that moment he cannot tell you the lengths that he will be willing to go through to ensure that this child of his will have as close to a perfect life as possible.

The only thing that you can do is to wait and be as supportive as possible until things are better defined. At this point ,you have invested only 8 months of your life. If things work out well then good for all of you. If things move in a direction that you find to be uncomfortable or unsustainable , then be prepared to see something that was good for the time that it lasted.

I would not make any further future plans with him until such time as he has met and experienced first hand this new reality.

Has he arranged a DNA test yet?

There's a lot of posts here where it's been decided he is the father and arranging visits . (Probably the ones who were witness to his condomless shagging )

Phrase about carts and horses springs to mind

OP has not come back

@Sausagerolex I’d say she has quite a bit on her mind right now….

Updated CPS guidance highlights love-bombing (in today's Guardian)

"New guidance on how to prosecute abusive partners for controlling and coercive behaviour has highlighted the phenomenon of love-bombing, a tactic used by suspects to confuse victims and gain more control.

The Crown Prosecution Service’s updated guidance sets out the varied, sophisticated and subtle ways suspects can manipulate their partners to exert control over their lives, and to seek to minimise the likelihood of detection and punishment."

He doesn’t want a partnership where he’s carrying them

Is that so? He’ll be doing 50% of the parenting then won’t he, because he wouldn’t want his ex to have to carry him. So how do you feel about having his child living with you 50% of the time? Did you envisage your none mediocre life to include holidays with his child, parenting his child, being unable to go out as a couple as much as you’d want because he has his child to consider? Did you want to be forced into the role of step parent?

You moved in with him ridiculously fast, if you weren’t living in the same house, this might feel like much less of a problem, but you’ve gone in full steam ahead and potentially been completely love bombed. You need to get your head out of the clouds and look at the reality of this situation.

@Naunet , I am ashamed to say this hadn’t even occurred to me despite being so glaringly true. If his sentiments regarding partners being equals doesn’t extend to bringing up a child, OP, please do point this out.

Can we chat? I'm going through a VERY SIMILAR situation and would love to actually talk to someone who understands.

Wait for DNA test.

If the baby is his, be aware it will bring stress and upset to your life and divert emotional, physical and financial resources away from you and your children.

It’s up to you whether that is something you could cope with.

Not the point of the thread I know but some men like this are nightmares to have families with.

It's all about support and being equal until you have a baby and it's your career that has to take a hit, and if the kids are sick it's your responsibility because they couldn't possibly take time off their big important job.

Also they often still expect 'equality' when you're on maternity leave. There's been many women on here who are still paying an equal share of all the bills while on maternity leave even though they're not working because the dad doesn't think he should have to 'carry' them..ie financially provide for his pregnant/postpartum partner.

Equality often ends up meaning that he works and gets to prioritise his career.
but woman has to work to pay an equal share of the bills, and do most of the childcare and do most of the housework too!

It will be interesting to see how he supports his child and the mother now in this scenario. Will he pay the minimum of child maintenance and take the child EOW or will be be an actual equal?

Important to note that it's very common for women on here who label their partners as AMAZING dads even though they only take the child/children EOW and pay the minimum child maintenance, but that's really not amazing, or anywhere near equal.

I'd just like to point out to people that contraception is not 100% effective.

Looks pointedly at DD who exists despite the best efforts of condoms AND the pill!

I couldn’t agree more !

Honestly, I wouldn’t, no matter how great he seems. Do you not want to be with somebody where you can build a family from scratch together? The issues around this are his ongoing contact with her, the baby growing up in his/your life, CMS, any children you have having a half sibling, the endless stepmother problems (head over to the step parenting board!). I could go on.

Also no matter how great he seems there are a number of red flags here. Moving in in 3 months - sorry but this is way too soon and not a rational decision, from either of you. Secondly, they blocked each other - hardly an amicable split for what he said was just a conflict of outlooks. Thirdly, it sounds like he kind of used her, he clearly didn’t see her as relationship potential (he must’ve known about her other child and job from the start?) yet I presume had unprotected sex anyway.

Chuck him back, find somebody else, do your future self a big favour. Don’t now feel he is a prize you have to win because of the jealous feelings this will provoke.

Yes! Totally agree @IKnowItsNotMine
my best friends dh is the same, went on loads about how ambitious they both were, how he was a feminist because he believed in equality and it was so so important to him that they keep everything 50/50
except when they wanted children it turned out that obviously he couldn’t be pregnant, or breast feed so that’s not quite 50/50 is it. And so his career didn’t take a hit. And he didn’t take maternity leave. And now their children are at school, and she lost a lot of time in her career so he earns more, so It makes sense when the kids are sick or on holiday that she is the one that takes time off. Her hours fit around school now, so she’s home and may as well do most of the cooking and cleaning. But do you know where they’re still 50/50 …finances. Funny that isn’t it! So she struggles every month, whilst he has loads of spare money to himself, and if she brings it up he shames her because he thought he married a woman who was feminist, who was going to contribute 50/50 who cared about her career and finances and she’s letting him and herself down if she can’t do that anymore.

id be very very interested in how ‘equal’ he plans to be with this child if it’s his, you can see then what equality means to him when it isn’t directly benefiting him. Pay attention, because that’s how he will be with you too.

The thread is a year old. Why are all these old threads being dragged up from the crypt?

This is an old thread but I would love to know how it worked out for the op.

I think you have moved too fast. The previous girlfriend has his baby, they need to work on being a family unit for all concerned