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Original poster

Partner overheard counselling session

190 replies

radroa · 21/04/2023 22:04

I have been seeing a Counsellor to heal from an abortion I had last year.

This weekwas about anger. We had a structure to the session.

I was meant to really let go and talk about all the anger towards my partner surrounding having an abortion because it's not what I wanted but ultimately was the best decision at the time as I had poor mental health.

I am a lot better now but still very much grieving my lost baby.

When I finished my session (video link) my partner was out. Turns out he'd listened to a lot of it and now is not speaking to me. Saying the things I said have shattered him and how unfair they were.

I feel my session was meant to be about all of the private thoughts and meant to be cathartic. So yes, it was a bit harsh. But it wasn't for him to hear.

I really feel like he's crossed a line and invaded my privacy. I feel like he's read my diary.

I am really upset with him, but he's not even speaking to me now, he wanted me to say none of it was true. But it was all true, I do feel the things I said. He's sleeping in the spare room tonight and can't even look at me.

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 21/04/2023 22:07

Did you know he was in the house when you started? Odd thing to do when he was bound to overhear?

AdamRyan · 21/04/2023 22:07

That is a massive invasion of your privacy and you have nothing to apologise for.
Why was he listening? I would struggle to forgive that TBH op, counselling is private and your home is a safe space, he's been very inappropriate by listening.

Would you like to talk here about the abortion? Was it something you wanted or did you feel pressure to have it?

Original poster
radroa · 21/04/2023 22:10

ReadersD1gest · 21/04/2023 22:07

Did you know he was in the house when you started? Odd thing to do when he was bound to overhear?

Yes, he was home when I started. He knew I had counselling as I asked him to leave the room. I was in the bedroom with the door closed.

He's managed to be home whilst I have therapy without listening before.

OP posts:
Original poster
radroa · 21/04/2023 22:12

AdamRyan · 21/04/2023 22:07

That is a massive invasion of your privacy and you have nothing to apologise for.
Why was he listening? I would struggle to forgive that TBH op, counselling is private and your home is a safe space, he's been very inappropriate by listening.

Would you like to talk here about the abortion? Was it something you wanted or did you feel pressure to have it?

I was very much pressured into it.

He now realises this and I am working on forgiving him.

In his defense, my depression was extremely bad and my birth control failed. We both felt trapped and I was going through CBT at the time. It was the right thing to do but it was extremely traumatic.

OP posts:
NotStayingIn · 21/04/2023 22:12

You do not accidentally listen to a lot of someone else's private counseling session.

You may hear a snippet and move out of earshot, but if you are hearing a lot, there is nothing accidental about it.

And now he's turned it around so that you are the bad guy?

Honestly, I would seriously reconsider this relationship.

Stratocumulus · 21/04/2023 22:13

My granny used to say that “nobody ever hears good about themselves by listening at key holes.”
Let him stew and then in due course hopefully have an adult discussion about how inappropriate his behaviour was. If he’s bothered about hearing you finer most thoughts that’s his problem to deal with, not yours.,
It might be a watershed in your relationship?

NotStayingIn · 21/04/2023 22:15

He's managed to be home whilst I have therapy without listening before

I mean.... do you really belief that? Or maybe he just wasn't that annoyed about what he had heard before so didn't let on. Bit of a coincidence that he managed to overhear the bit that reflected badly on him, isn't it?

NotStayingIn · 21/04/2023 22:23

But I hope you are OK OP. I appreciate that what you went through was really traumatic and I hope the counseling is helping. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this additional heartache and I hope he stops acting like a dick. You have done nothing wrong here

Original poster
radroa · 21/04/2023 22:29

If I wasn't angry before, I am now.

He really laid into me and picked apart what I'd been saying. I really stressed to him that it was private but he wouldn't listen. All he cared about is what the counsellor must think about him and what I must say to other people.

None of it showed any remorse for the way I've been treated, spoken to, or made to feel.

I don't know why I ever forgave him.

I'm clearly too trusting. I've never hid my journal, now I feel like he's read it. He knows my phone passcode and the pin for my laptop. I feel really violated.

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 21/04/2023 22:35

Oh Radroa, this is so horrible. He has violated your privacy in the worst way. His feelings resulting from that are his problem. Your problem is the fact that this is how your partner behaves. Is that ok with you?

lifeissweet · 21/04/2023 22:41

You feel violated, because it was a violation, OP.

Counselling is for you. It's the most confidential thing imaginable. How are you supposed to work through your deepest, darkest feelings if you have to censor them in case someone's listening? There is no point in having counselling if you are going to lie or minimise what is going on for you.

If he heard things about how angry you are deep down, he should be concerned for you. He may well be upset that you feel that way, but he has no right to punish you for how you feel.

Most of all, he had absolutely no right to listen. It wasn't an accident. He chose to listen to every word.

You should be angry.

AdamRyan · 21/04/2023 22:42

Oh radroa big hugs
He has violated your privacy and that isn't OK.
You aren't "too trusting", you trusted the person who's meant to have your back and he betrayed that trust. That's on him, not you.

I know how horrible the feeling is when you realise about this kind of insidious betrayal. Please look after yourself and don't rush into any response. Trust yourself to know the right thing to do anf when is right to do it.

Could you speak to your counsellor about this next time? I think the support could be helpful

shadytree · 21/04/2023 22:53

You can’t overhear anything meaningful in counselling unless deliberate. My ex partner had counselling in the same small flat as me. I would listen to music and podcasts during it, regardless of what I was doing, to make sure I didn’t overhear. If there was ever a situation that I was close to hearing, for whatever incidental reason, I would move as quickly as possible and not pay attention. It was not my business to hear and the only way I would have been able to hear anything would have been purposeful.

squidgybits · 21/04/2023 23:11

Please change your phone passcode and laptop PIN asap
I am so sorry you are going through this
What he did is not ok, please tell your counsellor
Be kind to yourself X

SkyandSurf · 21/04/2023 23:16

Leave him!

Why are you 'working on forgiving' this man?

There is so much wrong here I don't know where to start.

Pressuring you into an abortion you didn't want us fucked up. Listening to your counseling session is fucked up. Having access to all your devices is fucked up. Not giving a shit about your pain and focusing only on his own reputation is fucked up. Not speaking to you to punish you for what you said privately in therapy is fucked up.

This is a broken, harmful relationship with a horrible man.

Anger is a protective emotion. It's trying to take care of you. If you feel angry towards him- good! He's mistreated you. Keep that anger and use it make yourself safe.

1930toEdinburgh · 21/04/2023 23:17

Sounds like the relationship has run it's course.

AdamRyan · 21/04/2023 23:19

Anger is a protective emotion. It's trying to take care of you. If you feel angry towards him- good! He's mistreated you. Keep that anger and use it make yourself safe.
How much do I wish I had a like button !

HowRatherGolly · 21/04/2023 23:49

Yeah that would spell the end for me. Its all about him

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/04/2023 23:54

Don’t forgive him. He doesn’t deserve it.

He’s a controlling, invasive, toxic influence on your life. Maybe he’ll find a way to read this thread and invade your privacy again - and maybe he needs to read that objective posters condemn his actions.

Are you considering ending this relationship? Because it’s the best idea.

JudgeRudy · 21/04/2023 23:57

This would really upset me, but what do you mean by really letting go to release your anger? Could it be he heard raised voices and came to see what the commotion was then overheard you 'dissing' him

IDontWantToBeAPie · 21/04/2023 23:58

My DP has video counselling. I watch TV loudly. I never listen and have never heard anything in our small flat.

Counselling is a private haven. You're meant to be able to say the most vulnerable thoughts you have - even ones that may be hurtful or could be seen as 'cruel'.

He's in the wrong.

Rarar · 22/04/2023 00:57

It would be over for me at this point OP, sorry if that's not what you want to hear but what he's done is unforgivable. It's not just that he listened, it's that he can't see how wrong that was and is refusing to focus on anything except how he has been 'criticised'. He also pressured you into an abortion leaving you needing the counselling in the first place, and now you can't even have that in privacy?!! No, I'm sorry but that's too long a list of absolutely horrendous things to do to you for you to stay in this relationship, please get out before he hurts you anymore Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2023 01:45

This is so incredibly controlling. Listening in on your private therapy session is a massive invasion of your privacy and a red flag. This isn’t something I could get past. He forced you into an abortive. Perhaps it was the right thing for you to do. Please continue to do what is right for you. For me, that would be some distance from this man.

Sometherusername · 22/04/2023 01:52

That's awful I'm really sorry he's done that 😞

For those being arsey, DH often has counselling sessions when I'm at home. I make sure I stay out of the way (downstairs) and if I realised I could hear his voice I'd put on music or move.

Sometherusername · 22/04/2023 01:53

Sorry, I realise I didn't actually give advice... I don't know what to say other that that you did nothing wrong and you're right to feel angry.