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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner overheard counselling session

190 replies

radroa · 21/04/2023 22:04

I have been seeing a Counsellor to heal from an abortion I had last year.

This weekwas about anger. We had a structure to the session.

I was meant to really let go and talk about all the anger towards my partner surrounding having an abortion because it's not what I wanted but ultimately was the best decision at the time as I had poor mental health.

I am a lot better now but still very much grieving my lost baby.

When I finished my session (video link) my partner was out. Turns out he'd listened to a lot of it and now is not speaking to me. Saying the things I said have shattered him and how unfair they were.

I feel my session was meant to be about all of the private thoughts and meant to be cathartic. So yes, it was a bit harsh. But it wasn't for him to hear.

I really feel like he's crossed a line and invaded my privacy. I feel like he's read my diary.

I am really upset with him, but he's not even speaking to me now, he wanted me to say none of it was true. But it was all true, I do feel the things I said. He's sleeping in the spare room tonight and can't even look at me.

OP posts:
60smusic · 22/04/2023 12:11

This is dreadful. Anyone with an ounce of decency would make sure that they couldn't hear your private counselling session.

I've an adult child in online counselling and I always make sure that I'm in the room furthest away and even then I wear headphones, if it's a case of a few of us here, I'll make sure we all go out for the hour. It's not fair on the person having the counselling knowing others can hear and it prevents them being open with the counsellor.

There are no excuses acceptable to listening in on a session. He wouldn't put his ear up against a door if you were having them in person.

People who listen in are disgusting and then to argue and not speak to you is childish. All counselling sessions no matter what they are for are going to contain our deepest thoughts, that's why people have counselling and most of the time there will be content that upsets someone. If we all went around speaking our minds we wouldn't need counselling but there would be a lot of upset people.

It's up to you to decide if this is the type of relationship that you want. You've been through a lot. He should be supporting you not berating you.

MenoRageisReal · 22/04/2023 12:19

Just read @KettrickenSmiled post and agree with it all too.

MenoRageisReal · 22/04/2023 12:24

SquidwardBound · 22/04/2023 10:57

Some of these responses are so depressing. And illuminative of why it’s so hard for women in abusive relationships to recognise the abuse and leave.

All these people determined to take his side and blame the OP for his behaviour. All of you doing this should recognise that you are very much part of the problem here. You are the reason that male abuse goes unchallenged and is even normalised and accepted.

👏👏👏

katepilar · 22/04/2023 12:26

Your counselling session was not for his years. His fault for listening. Obviously in therapy you voice stuff you dont in real life or not in a same way.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 22/04/2023 12:28

@ShowUs a counselling session is very different from slagging someone off over text. It's literally part of the reason therapy exists.

Fillybuster · 22/04/2023 12:45

@radroa this all sounds truly awful. Are you ok? Will you be alright speaking to him today? Do you have somewhere safe to go? Sending love

Nursefedup · 22/04/2023 12:48

I’m sorry but too many red flags here.
He is totally controlling you.
Why does he need access to your phone and your lap top log ins.
This isn’t a healthy relationship

OldFan · 22/04/2023 12:58

It's ok to have therapy when someone else is in the house. Think of all the people who did via Zoom during Covid. If the door's shut the person can't really hear, especially if you live in a house with more than one floor.

So yes it can be done and OP's partner knew she was having a therapy session and should have given her space to do it for that whole one hour of his time.

@radroa To hear you I think he would've had to deliberately come upstairs. He definitely stayed by where he could hear for longer than he needed to. He may even have deliberately stood right by the door. Sad Angry

Eavesdroppers/spies rarely hear something they want to hear.

And now he's trying to police/censor your speech and emotions.

I hope you do leave him ASAP. You can do it. xx

whynotwhatknot · 22/04/2023 12:58

yes hes a controlling arsehole-my dh doesnt have my passwords i mean ive got nothing to hide but he doesnt need then

also when my dsis was having online counselling i was looking after her dc we didnt creep round eavesdropping its completely out of order

Grapefruitsquash · 22/04/2023 13:04

NotStayingIn · 21/04/2023 22:12

You do not accidentally listen to a lot of someone else's private counseling session.

You may hear a snippet and move out of earshot, but if you are hearing a lot, there is nothing accidental about it.

And now he's turned it around so that you are the bad guy?

Honestly, I would seriously reconsider this relationship.

This.

My DH is having counselling after the traumatic death of a parent. He shuts himself in the spare room with a laptop and I don't go near the room. It's 100% private and I wouldn't dream of eavesdropping.

mellicauli · 22/04/2023 13:07

I can see the problem. It's all about him, isn't it? Even when it's your body, your grieving process, your thoughts and emotions. I am not surprised you have poor mental health. So sorry.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/04/2023 13:37

radroa · 22/04/2023 07:06

Thank you everyone for the support.

I have changed my passwords and will start taking my journal out with me/hiding it.

I already had suspicions that I should leave, this has cemented them.

I'll tell him today that I've decided not to forgive him. We've always had a hard relationship, it shouldn't be this hard.

"We've always had a hard relationship, it shouldn't be this hard."

No, it shouldn't. Sad

Nursefedup · 22/04/2023 13:43

100 agree !!

crossstitchingnana · 22/04/2023 15:09

Yes the partner is wrong to listen in, but it is not safe to have counselling in such a set-up. If the counsellor is aware then they should insist on a safe place to do the session. If they are not then they are negligent. If the session was happening in counsellor's office then there would be no way you would be able to hang around and listen in.

Me saying this is NOT absolving him of his wrong-doing.

Billybagpuss · 22/04/2023 15:15

Hope you’re ok op it’s an abhorrent thing for him to do. I agree with so many pp I can not see a way back from this. Trust that was lacking anyway gone forever

mischlerischler · 22/04/2023 15:17

So sorry you are going through this, OP.

He had no right to use this against you. And he definitely violated your privacy.

OldFan · 22/04/2023 16:47

it is not safe to have counselling in such a set-up. If the counsellor is aware then they should insist on a safe place to do the session. If they are not then they are negligent. If the session was happening in counsellor's office

@crossstitchingnana Not so. Lots of people have counselling over Zoom etc - virtually every counsellor will offer it now, usually with no issues.

Presumably even OP didn't know the boyfriend would do this, let alone the counsellor.

monsteramunch · 22/04/2023 17:16

crossstitchingnana · 22/04/2023 15:09

Yes the partner is wrong to listen in, but it is not safe to have counselling in such a set-up. If the counsellor is aware then they should insist on a safe place to do the session. If they are not then they are negligent. If the session was happening in counsellor's office then there would be no way you would be able to hang around and listen in.

Me saying this is NOT absolving him of his wrong-doing.

What an odd thing to say. A session alone in a room in your own home is considered a safe space and many excellent counsellors offer remote sessions to clients with similar set ups, for a number of reasons.

They will likely ask if you have a private room for your sessions where you feel comfortable and relaxed and able to speak freely.

They won't refuse to do sessions if your partner lives in the same home as they (like OP) would expect an adult partner to have enough respect to not be listening in order to to weaponise what they may hear or punish you for it.

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 17:52

crossstitchingnana · 22/04/2023 15:09

Yes the partner is wrong to listen in, but it is not safe to have counselling in such a set-up. If the counsellor is aware then they should insist on a safe place to do the session. If they are not then they are negligent. If the session was happening in counsellor's office then there would be no way you would be able to hang around and listen in.

Me saying this is NOT absolving him of his wrong-doing.

This is nonsense. Online counselling is commonplace.

adults are perfectly capable of setting themselves up in a quiet confidential space. No one in a decent relationship would be listening at the door. If they are it’s a pretty strong indication they’re an arsehole!

Ohrwurm · 22/04/2023 19:50

Ohrwurm · 22/04/2023 07:00

At the end of the day, op, he's broken your trust. I did online counselling last year with DH in the house looking after DS. They'd go out a lot but if the weather was awful they'd stay in. We're in* *a flat but I'd close the bedroom door and he'd go across the hall through the dining room, close that door then stay in the living room. He even took all of DS's changing stuff and changed him in there too so he wouldn't end up next door if DS needed a nappy change. I'd be furious in your position. It's unforgivable. And the fact he's now angry at you is appalling.

Oh wow. I apologise for writing so big! I have no idea how I managed that

emptythelitterbox · 23/04/2023 00:41

radroa · 22/04/2023 07:06

Thank you everyone for the support.

I have changed my passwords and will start taking my journal out with me/hiding it.

I already had suspicions that I should leave, this has cemented them.

I'll tell him today that I've decided not to forgive him. We've always had a hard relationship, it shouldn't be this hard.

Please be careful.

You're under no obligation to tell him any of your plans.

He's an abuser and will just use that information against you to bully, manipulate, or abuse you.

You didn't say what your living situation is but you might want to wait until you're moving out or when you're telling him to move out. For your own safety.

Original poster
radroa · 23/04/2023 09:38

I've found somewhere else to live, I won't tell him until I've got dates and have a timeline.

Thank you for the support everyone, I have bigger things to worry about at the moment so he's gotten off pretty lightly.

I'll let my therapist know last week what happened. He wants us to meet with the couples counsellor next week, I've agreed but I don't want to work on the relationship.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 23/04/2023 09:45

Well done OP for making plans.

He's scum.

Get away safely.

heldinadream · 23/04/2023 09:45

Make sure any couples counselling appointment is cancelled ASAP otherwise you might be liable to pay.
So glad you are leaving OP. Take care of yourself, won't you? 🌻

KettrickenSmiled · 23/04/2023 10:40

radroa · 23/04/2023 09:38

I've found somewhere else to live, I won't tell him until I've got dates and have a timeline.

Thank you for the support everyone, I have bigger things to worry about at the moment so he's gotten off pretty lightly.

I'll let my therapist know last week what happened. He wants us to meet with the couples counsellor next week, I've agreed but I don't want to work on the relationship.

Is your therapist a separate person from the couples counsellor?

Because initially I read this as your therapist being the one to suggest couples counselling. Please tell me I had that wrong? No therapist of any experience of worth would recommend you to enter counselling with your abuser.

Don't put yourself through it. Your partner will use the sessions to make it all about him, & will manipuylate you (& the counsellor if he can get away with it) by weaponising anything you say in the sessions. Just like he weaponised your solo session.