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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner overheard counselling session

190 replies

radroa · 21/04/2023 22:04

I have been seeing a Counsellor to heal from an abortion I had last year.

This weekwas about anger. We had a structure to the session.

I was meant to really let go and talk about all the anger towards my partner surrounding having an abortion because it's not what I wanted but ultimately was the best decision at the time as I had poor mental health.

I am a lot better now but still very much grieving my lost baby.

When I finished my session (video link) my partner was out. Turns out he'd listened to a lot of it and now is not speaking to me. Saying the things I said have shattered him and how unfair they were.

I feel my session was meant to be about all of the private thoughts and meant to be cathartic. So yes, it was a bit harsh. But it wasn't for him to hear.

I really feel like he's crossed a line and invaded my privacy. I feel like he's read my diary.

I am really upset with him, but he's not even speaking to me now, he wanted me to say none of it was true. But it was all true, I do feel the things I said. He's sleeping in the spare room tonight and can't even look at me.

OP posts:
Snaaaaacks · 22/04/2023 08:34

If you are thinking those things why haven't you said them to him anyway? It isn't a healthy relationship if you can't be open, especially about something like this. I can't imagine your relationship will last sitting on big secrets. You've had a counselling session at home which i assume is his home too, if you wanted to talk about your secrets you should leave the house.

SkyandSurf · 22/04/2023 08:35

Happy for you OP.

You deserve better.

Pollydolly13 · 22/04/2023 08:45

It’s a complete invasion of your privacy. He should not have listened the point of the session is about how you feel. Not how he feels. It sounds more complex than him listening if you have anger/hurttowards him already. I would be considering my relationship options.

Original poster
radroa · 22/04/2023 08:45

Snaaaaacks · 22/04/2023 08:34

If you are thinking those things why haven't you said them to him anyway? It isn't a healthy relationship if you can't be open, especially about something like this. I can't imagine your relationship will last sitting on big secrets. You've had a counselling session at home which i assume is his home too, if you wanted to talk about your secrets you should leave the house.

We did have conversations about his behaviour during the abortion in couples therapy for six months. The therapy was to help the anger I still feel.

Yes, he lives in the same house but he could've gone into another room, gone downstairs or like he did eventually, just go out.

Would've been really nice if he took the dog for a walk and then made me a cuppa for when I finished but apparently that's too much to ask!

I do understand it's hurt his feelings, but he's an adult. He should know better than to listen in. The therapist is remote only, as facilitating the subject of abortion is a bit niche, so there isn't someone where I live that I can go to.

OP posts:
Irritateandunreasonable · 22/04/2023 08:47

How dare he? Do not let him gas light you into thinking you’ve done anything wrong.

What an absolutely vile thing for him to do.

SquidwardBound · 22/04/2023 08:50

Snaaaaacks · 22/04/2023 08:34

If you are thinking those things why haven't you said them to him anyway? It isn't a healthy relationship if you can't be open, especially about something like this. I can't imagine your relationship will last sitting on big secrets. You've had a counselling session at home which i assume is his home too, if you wanted to talk about your secrets you should leave the house.

This is just sheer victim blaming nonsense. Have a word with yourself.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 22/04/2023 08:52

Snaaaaacks · 22/04/2023 08:34

If you are thinking those things why haven't you said them to him anyway? It isn't a healthy relationship if you can't be open, especially about something like this. I can't imagine your relationship will last sitting on big secrets. You've had a counselling session at home which i assume is his home too, if you wanted to talk about your secrets you should leave the house.

You are wrong. And you’re blaming the wrong person.

Nicecow · 22/04/2023 08:56

Snaaaaacks · 22/04/2023 08:34

If you are thinking those things why haven't you said them to him anyway? It isn't a healthy relationship if you can't be open, especially about something like this. I can't imagine your relationship will last sitting on big secrets. You've had a counselling session at home which i assume is his home too, if you wanted to talk about your secrets you should leave the house.

Wow, have a heart. What is wrong with you.
Sometimes not everything needs to be said to a partner if you can talk it through in a counselling session, some words there is no coming back from.
Her partner should be supportive that she's trying to heal and not have listened in! It says alot that she was trusting to do that with him in the house, which most people probably wouldn't.

raincamepouringdown · 22/04/2023 08:58

I wouldn't be able to get past this.

What he's done is a horrible violation of your privacy. Deliberately. And it sounds like he's listened in before and read your journals.

I would be asking him to pack a bag and go.

misskatamari · 22/04/2023 09:01

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. He had completely broken your trust and I think it’s the right decision to end it tho.

I really don’t agree with the “you should have told him all this” post above tho. Often we don’t fully know or understand our feelings around things, especially anger. Which is why this type of therapy is so helpful. As women especially we are often grown up with conditioning to not be “angry” which can lead to a lot of suppression which were not even aware of. So it’s not as simple as “you should have told your partner”. Many of us have grown up and learned protective mechanisms, which suppress these emotions which feel too overwhelming at the time.

I don’t know if you’ve heard of Nicole Sachs OP, but her journalspeak technique does exactly this, and it’s amazing what you uncover and learn about yourself. I’ve used it to heal from years of chronic pain (which were now discovering often has massive roots in earlier trauma, repressed anger and other emotions, and disregulated nervous systems).

it sounds like you’re working so hard to get to a better place and I’m so sorry your partner has done this to you.

dreamingoaholiday · 22/04/2023 09:06

One of the things that helps me deal with the abortions I had, is that I left the man who would have been the father, and who would have trapped me in an awful life, and went on to have two wonderful DC with a decent man. If I hadn't had the terminations, they wouldn't exist.

I know a friend of mine felt when she had a termination that she owed it to herself to do the things in life that she had been putting off, to make something positive out of the freedom she had not being tied down in a relationship that wasn't right for her, and that helped her deal with it, that positive things had been made possible after that decision.

I hope that in a year or so, you are in a much more positive position, ideally far away from this man who is no good for you, and you can start to deal with the sadness in the context of life being much better for you. You do deserve happiness, and to be able to move on.

Craftycorvid · 22/04/2023 09:18

Therapy should be somewhere you can express feelings openly and without censoring them, decide how to approach an issue with someone and explore your feelings fully, no matter what that sounds like. Your partner made the choice to continue listening and that’s an invasion of privacy. It raises the alarm for me when clients tell me their partner is questioning what they say in therapy or sulking about them attending sessions. It’s a shame you can’t meet the therapist in person, as I think it would help. As it is, you will feel on edge now in your therapy sessions unless you are absolutely certain he is out.

Do you feel in any way at risk from your partner? As in, would he escalate beyond sulking? Has he ever?

Naunet · 22/04/2023 09:25

Snaaaaacks · 22/04/2023 08:34

If you are thinking those things why haven't you said them to him anyway? It isn't a healthy relationship if you can't be open, especially about something like this. I can't imagine your relationship will last sitting on big secrets. You've had a counselling session at home which i assume is his home too, if you wanted to talk about your secrets you should leave the house.

I’m betting you’re not a therapist, are you?!

OP, I get therapy for past abuse, my partner leaves the house, or if he has to stay home, he listens to a podcast. After my session he makes me tea and gives me his ear if I want to talk. That’s how a loving, respectful man behaves.

NewDogOwner · 22/04/2023 09:27

He's a bad partner.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 22/04/2023 09:28

The man got you pregnant, pressured you in to an unwanted abortion, ‘laid in to’ you and violated you. He’s scum. No need for arguing, just dump him, say you’re no longer attracted to him, all the best, bye.

The only reason to have a relationship is if it’s fun, and enhances your life.

BessieSurtees · 22/04/2023 09:31

My DH has been having counselling at home face to face and a couple of virtual sessions. We have a big house but I go out because that is the only way we can both guarantee that I won’t overhear.

It’s very easy to eavesdrop or accidentally hear something but he was actively listening. He has overheard or listened before, he’s only confronted you because it’s about him.

Flowerly · 22/04/2023 09:31

Unforgivable OP and I would not stay with this abusive man.

Monstersinked · 22/04/2023 09:33

lifeissweet · 21/04/2023 22:41

You feel violated, because it was a violation, OP.

Counselling is for you. It's the most confidential thing imaginable. How are you supposed to work through your deepest, darkest feelings if you have to censor them in case someone's listening? There is no point in having counselling if you are going to lie or minimise what is going on for you.

If he heard things about how angry you are deep down, he should be concerned for you. He may well be upset that you feel that way, but he has no right to punish you for how you feel.

Most of all, he had absolutely no right to listen. It wasn't an accident. He chose to listen to every word.

You should be angry.

Exactly this.

Counselling is the one safe space where you can say what you want and feel without judgement or without having to worry about others feelings

Sometimes in counselling what you say doesn't even true my reflect how you feel or see things, it's an exploration of ideas, inner feelings and emotions.

He has absolutely no right to know any of this, least of all expect an apology.

TheKobayashiMaru · 22/04/2023 09:33

He didn't "overhear", he deliberately eavesdropped.

MotherOfUnicorns4 · 22/04/2023 09:33

Therapy should be a confidential safe space for you. I have trauma therapy online once a week. My OH is in the house while this happens, but he respects my sessions and will bring me a coffee before it starts then buggers off somewhere else. He doesn't question me about any of it because he knows it really is none of his business. OP you deserve better and I am sorry for what you have been through💐

lifeissweet · 22/04/2023 09:41

Snaaaaacks · 22/04/2023 08:34

If you are thinking those things why haven't you said them to him anyway? It isn't a healthy relationship if you can't be open, especially about something like this. I can't imagine your relationship will last sitting on big secrets. You've had a counselling session at home which i assume is his home too, if you wanted to talk about your secrets you should leave the house.

Please ignore this. Therapy is for you and about you and your feelings. You are under no obligation to share your every thought with the partner who has hurt you. In the healthiest of relationships people pick and choose what they express to their partners. If we all expressed every negative feeling without filter or the ability to process them, no relationship would survive.

It sounds to me as though you were processing anger, which is about you - not about him. Even if he was the source of it.

If someone was accidentally overhearing a private conversation, they have a few choices.

They could move away until they can no longer hear, they could put on headphones, they could leave the house - or if none of those things was possible - they could knock on the door and let you know that they can't help but overhear and maybe you can all find a more private solution.

He did none of these things. He chose to listen - and then berate you for sharing your private thoughts in a confidential session.

So no. There are no excuses.

ShowUs · 22/04/2023 09:50

If you are having therapy sessions at home then of course he is going to over hear and I too would be very upset if someone was slagging me off behind my back and blaming me for an abortion but yet still happy to have a relationship with me and live in the same home.

It should have been agreed that at X time he leaves the house for an hour every week.

If he refused then I would have ended the relationship.

I don’t think either of you are in the wrong here and people are lying if they think he was wrong to be upset as we all would be in that situation.

If we heard someone slagging us off we’d also choose to listen (or on a previous thread continue to read the msgs he sent to his friend slagging the OP off).

Neither of you are in the wrong.
But the relationship doesn’t work and I don’t think this is something you can come back from and too much has happened.

I think you need to separate and heal separately as you can’t do this whilst still together.

ShowUs · 22/04/2023 09:52

BessieSurtees · 22/04/2023 09:31

My DH has been having counselling at home face to face and a couple of virtual sessions. We have a big house but I go out because that is the only way we can both guarantee that I won’t overhear.

It’s very easy to eavesdrop or accidentally hear something but he was actively listening. He has overheard or listened before, he’s only confronted you because it’s about him.

100% this.

If you respect your partner you should not be in the same house as it’s too easy to overhear.

Barbecuebeans · 22/04/2023 09:54

ShowUs · 22/04/2023 09:50

If you are having therapy sessions at home then of course he is going to over hear and I too would be very upset if someone was slagging me off behind my back and blaming me for an abortion but yet still happy to have a relationship with me and live in the same home.

It should have been agreed that at X time he leaves the house for an hour every week.

If he refused then I would have ended the relationship.

I don’t think either of you are in the wrong here and people are lying if they think he was wrong to be upset as we all would be in that situation.

If we heard someone slagging us off we’d also choose to listen (or on a previous thread continue to read the msgs he sent to his friend slagging the OP off).

Neither of you are in the wrong.
But the relationship doesn’t work and I don’t think this is something you can come back from and too much has happened.

I think you need to separate and heal separately as you can’t do this whilst still together.

Ignore all of this OP, it is total rubbish.

Nanny0gg · 22/04/2023 09:54

Eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves.

I hope you're able to get away from him without further distress or disruption. You'll never trust him again