Partner overheard counselling session

[radroa]

I have been seeing a Counsellor to heal from an abortion I had last year.

This weekwas about anger. We had a structure to the session.

I was meant to really let go and talk about all the anger towards my partner surrounding having an abortion because it's not what I wanted but ultimately was the best decision at the time as I had poor mental health.

I am a lot better now but still very much grieving my lost baby.

When I finished my session (video link) my partner was out. Turns out he'd listened to a lot of it and now is not speaking to me. Saying the things I said have shattered him and how unfair they were.

I feel my session was meant to be about all of the private thoughts and meant to be cathartic. So yes, it was a bit harsh. But it wasn't for him to hear.

I really feel like he's crossed a line and invaded my privacy. I feel like he's read my diary.

I am really upset with him, but he's not even speaking to me now, he wanted me to say none of it was true. But it was all true, I do feel the things I said. He's sleeping in the spare room tonight and can't even look at me.

He didn't accidentally overhear

A reasonable person would notice your session was in earshot and would go to a different room or listen to music or go out.

He chose to listen

I'm glad you're angry because this is a massive invasion of privacy.

I do therapy via video link at home while my DH is working down the hall.

I trust him not to listen in. It would be a massive betrayal if I discovered that he had.

Dump him. He sounds like an absolute arsehole.

Maybe he’s heard all the other sessions but the content was ‘meh’? Depends on layout/soundproofing of house really. Our place must have terrible soundproofing as everyone in lounge room, kitchen or any communal areas can hear anyone else listening to podcasts, Netflix etc on phones in their bedrooms and no one here uses ear pods to listen to anything, so arguments invariably occur when everyone is disturbed by everyone’s else’s content disturbing theirs. Everyone can hear 100% of any work zoom I have and I can hear online meetings or uni lectures mine have at home. If someone had a counselling session we’d all hear it unless we crammed ourselves into the laundry which seems to be the only place you can’t hear anything (guessing the roof to floor tiles act as soundproofing?). I’d expect someone to book a private space at the library or similar if they wanted privacy. We wouldn’t all be wearing headphones and playing music for the purpose.

It's a mass6betrayel why are you still with him @radroa ?

I think he has learnt a lesson not to eaves drop,
As you might hear something you don't like it

LTB

I'm afraid after feeling pressured into an abortion and then not only violating a private therapy session but using it to tear into me, I would be hearing death-knells in my relationship.

To be clear, no judgement if you don't feel the same op, I commented only to say that it's a totally reasonable and justifiable response so don't be guilted or gas-lit into feeling otherwise. Huge respect and admiration for you both if its something you can overcome.

I am so sorry for what you have been through and for this latest situation you find yourself in and can only imagine how awful it must be. I hope you are able to speak privately with your counsellor going forward, where you cannot be overheard, and that you have support from family or friends in real life.

The trauma is a wedge between you, how he reacted, and all of it. Tell him you need to get the negative feelings out so you can heal. If it were me, I’d say, let us tell each other our feelings and get them out in the open. Maybe then we can heal together. ❤️ I wish you the very best, op. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I have to admit that if I accidentally overheard a snippet of that session and heard my name mentioned it would be so hard to not continue listening. Wrong I know and I would admit to it, your h admitted to it, perhaps venting to each other would help. It may be worth a try.

He shouldn’t have listened but It’s very difficult to be sure noone hears even accidentally. I have counseling via the equivalent of Zoom and if anyone is home I sit in my car or even drive somewhere private to talk.

It’s his home and haven too, imagine if you overheard him letting rip with his counselor and he was talking about you. It’s not that it was OK that he listened, it’s just human nature to find it very difficult if you know your partner is having private discussions that involve you in your own home.

I know everyone is dissing in him, but if the shoe was on the other foot and you were on here saying you overheard your partner furious with you in therapy, I think there would be more understanding.

You are in a relationship and share a house, he is only human.

Like I said, I always make sure I have complete privacy for counseling by leaving the house if anyone is home.

If he’s listened to this I suspect it’s happened before, Love. I’m so sorry. How he could make your therapy all about him is incredibly narcissistic. He must have heard and felt your pain and grief and also your desire to forgive him as well. He chose to ignore that you are working on forgiving him. Seems he’s going out of his way to reinsure you right now and make forgiving as difficult/impossible as he can. I imagine if you do break up with him, it will still be all about his feelings. “What about me?”, “What about my feelings?”
Please don’t allow whatever he says about anything he overheard be weaponised so that he can blackmail you into staying with him, speaking about everything to people you trust - you absolutely have a right to do this - and to
isolate you further.

Not saying this is you OP. But I think some women in abusive relationships convince themselves their feelings of depression or anxiety are an unrelated mental health problem they have- as opposed to a reaction they are having to abuse.

How would you feel if you didn't have to deal with this selfish nasty man every day?

I thought I had Post Natal Anxiety after DC1. Then my abusive overbearing controlling PIL took a 3 month trip around Australia - and I found myself cured by their absence. When they came back, my symptoms did as well.

Sometimes it's the relationship making you unwell.

100% this.

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I agree with this poster, and I think it will be hard to come back from this for both of you (even though for him it's his own fault). This seems like such a huge invasion of your privacy and also such disrespect given you are trying to actively do something to heal from your trauma. I hope you can find a way through this whatever you choose

This is a massive betrayal and ignore any of the weird posts that are telling you any different. It doesn't take any effort to avoid eavesdropping on someone's most private information, be that counselling, a diary, telephone conversations, whatever.

Counselling is an opportunity to share one's most private thoughts and feelings with someone objective and confidential. That is the whole point. They don't know your friends and family and so you can share your most private thoughts and feelings safely. It can help you to offload whatever is going on for you, sometimes with a view to finding a balance.

In the case of your partner there is no balance to be struck OP. He has violated you horribly. First by pushing you into an abortion rather than supporting and encouraging you to take the best decision for you. Believe me, even if you had ended up having an abortion you'd have felt very differently about it if you hadn't been railroaded into it. Then secondly by showing no empathy after you decided to have the procedure. Even if you ultimately felt it was the right decision, it must have been heartbreaking as it wasn't something you wanted and I feel for you deeply. But the final straw and what shows his controlling and narcissistic nature is to eavesdrop on your privacy and use that to make your pain all about him.

There is no balance in this. It is reprehensible. I can't see myself coming back from this. How could you have children with this man and see him modelling to them how to be a man/be in relationship with a man? I'm so sorry OP.

I would seriously have a think about this op... I had counselling and took sertraline for 'anxiety' when in reality I was being treated really quite poorly in my relationship that I had relocated for. I blamed it on myself, being 'homesick', new job, introduction of caring for step children - basically anything else rather than admitting he wasn't what I thought he was.

The medication made me quite numb, made me gain weight so i lost self confidence, and he could occasionally be lovely so I ended up staying for years when I should have exited much much earlier. I actually don't think cbt elements of the counselling helped either as I had convinced myself my negative feelings were 'irrational beliefs' and I kept reframing everything rather than acknowledging that my feelings of depression and anxiety were due largely to being belittled and ignored.

This is not a good quality man. He pressured you into an abortion and is now worried about what the counsellor might think about him. I know you are very sad now but I think in time you will look back and be grateful you are not tied to this man with a child. He doesn't sound like he would be any sort of good father.

Forgiveness is an overrated virtue in my opinion.

Why does he have access to all your devices? He sounds very controlling.

I suggest you leave this dreadful man and upgrade by finding a nicer, kinder partner. Given where you're starting from that should fairly easy - there are lots of decent men. I've bred two of them myself.

Basically what I'm saying op is try and identify if there's been a lot of similar behaviour. Violating privacy, silent treatment, laying into you, pressuring etc sounds unfortunately very familiar to me. It doesn't need to be all the time to wear you down. X

He's managed to be home whilst I have therapy without listening before
you cannot know this. Sounds more like he didnt hear but it wasnt about him so he wasnt bothered.

why did you stay with him?

do you still want to be with him? And why?

He's an arse. LTB

You have been seriously violated. And worse still this is abusive because he's managed to turn this around back into you. Please leave this abusive relationship and get some more counselling aswell.

He should be apologising and begging forgiveness both for pressuring you into an abortion and for listening in to your counselling session. They're both massive breaches of trust. He should be worried about how you're feeling not attacking you. He is completely in the wrong and the fact that he can't see that means even if you somehow wanted to do so that this can't be fixed.

You sure your MH struggles last year weren't caused by him?

Dump him never look back

This wasn't an accident he deliberately listened in to you private thoughts during what should have been a confidential session. Now he's using your thoughts against you. I'm not sure I could forgive that tbh.

At the end of the day, op, he's broken your trust. I did online counselling last year with DH in the house looking after DS. They'd go out a lot but if the weather was awful they'd stay in. We're in* *a flat but I'd close the bedroom door and he'd go across the hall through the dining room, close that door then stay in the living room. He even took all of DS's changing stuff and changed him in there too so he wouldn't end up next door if DS needed a nappy change. I'd be furious in your position. It's unforgivable. And the fact he's now angry at you is appalling.

Thank you everyone for the support.

I have changed my passwords and will start taking my journal out with me/hiding it.

I already had suspicions that I should leave, this has cemented them.

I'll tell him today that I've decided not to forgive him. We've always had a hard relationship, it shouldn't be this hard.