Partner overheard counselling session

[radroa]

I have been seeing a Counsellor to heal from an abortion I had last year.

This weekwas about anger. We had a structure to the session.

I was meant to really let go and talk about all the anger towards my partner surrounding having an abortion because it's not what I wanted but ultimately was the best decision at the time as I had poor mental health.

I am a lot better now but still very much grieving my lost baby.

When I finished my session (video link) my partner was out. Turns out he'd listened to a lot of it and now is not speaking to me. Saying the things I said have shattered him and how unfair they were.

I feel my session was meant to be about all of the private thoughts and meant to be cathartic. So yes, it was a bit harsh. But it wasn't for him to hear.

I really feel like he's crossed a line and invaded my privacy. I feel like he's read my diary.

I am really upset with him, but he's not even speaking to me now, he wanted me to say none of it was true. But it was all true, I do feel the things I said. He's sleeping in the spare room tonight and can't even look at me.

OP I'm really not a LTB type of poster but I think you need to deeply consider whether you'd actually need counselling in the first place if this man wasn't making you so unhappy...

He's probably listened to every session. His eavesdropping meant he heard something he didn't like and that's his problem not yours. Leave him stew. Make sure you are somewhere safe and alone for your next session.

The other partner should go out when someone is having a video counselling session. I personally wouldn’t be able to open up knowing they were around. But either way he was completely out of order. I would struggle to forgive either of those things, the abortion pressure and the listening in. Unacceptable

I wouldn't have been able to get past the abortion, never mind him listening in. OP, you deserve better and I am glad you have decided the same.

‘Neither of you are in the wrong.’

Incorrect. A man who pressures a woman in to aborting, violates her, lays into her is unjustifiable, vermin behaviour. OP needs the help of agencies that support abused women.

This is awful, I'm so sorry. I've had remote counselling before and my husband never tried to pull this.

Tell your counsellor. They're the best person to tell you what to do and help with this situation.

Oh, OP, this is heartbreaking.

In addressing your anger in counselling, you are taking responsibility for your feelings. In dumping his feelings on you, he is doing the opposite.

If you can, maintain your boundaries and do not discuss your private counselling session with him. Let him process his feelings after eavesdropping elsewhere.

The issue over the journal and the passwords suggest that all trust has broken down, and I can totally understand why. It feels like the end of the relationship. You deserve a relationship which feels safe and has appropriate boundaries.

I hope that you have good support to help you through this.

What is wrong with you? Do you even know what counselling is for? OP wasn't 'slagging him off', she was discussing her feelings of anger and resentment, which she has been trying to work through in order to make the relationship work.

The alternative is to break up without trying (which might have been preferable to this, in hindsight) or to be silently resentful and never speak to another living soul about her feelings.

If she is having counselling sessions at home, a thoughtful partner would give her space and privacy for this. It's really not that difficult.

I was very much pressured into it.
Rather like you were pressured into a termination you did not want.
I understand that logically, you now accept this was the optimal outcome.

He now realises this and I am working on forgiving him.
Urging you to terminate is perhaps more forgivable than what he's doing to you now OP.

He really laid into me and picked apart what I'd been saying. I really stressed to him that it was private but he wouldn't listen. All he cared about is what the counsellor must think about him and what I must say to other people.
How dare he lay into you for having feelings & expressing them truthfully?
Whatever you said, was said in private, to a professional who had guided you to this scheduled point of truthfulness about your own emotions.
What the counsellor thinks of him is none of his business. If he wants to bang on about it, & make your counselling ALL ABOUT HIM, he can pay for his own bloody counselling.
Also - is he a bit dense? Because the reason you are having counselling is so that you can open up to a trusted third party, & not need to burden friends & family with your troubles. Does he not understand how counselling works?

None of it showed any remorse for the way I've been treated, spoken to, or made to feel.
Because it's all about him.
He is refusing to accept that he has violated your trust, interfered in your therapeutic process, & that you have a right to talk to your counsellor about anything you damn well please.

I am really upset with him, but he's not even speaking to me now, he wanted me to say none of it was true.
That is disturbing.
It's almost Orwellian - never mind the truth, chant the mantra & do as you are told. Deny your feelings, & mouth only the words that Big Brother has taught you are acceptable.

But it was all true, I do feel the things I said.
You are still grieving, your feelings are going to be strong, & uncomfortable.
I hope you will speak with your counsellor about how much you have been supressing, that this is NEWS to your partner? Because he's either a dimwit, or has manipulated/trained you into denying your feelings, if they have come as such a shock to him.

He's sleeping in the spare room tonight and can't even look at me.
He's training you into suppressing your feelings again. Just so HE can feel ok.
This is stonewalling. He has taken your grief, your privacy, your therapeutic process, & is using it to manipulate you into toeing his party line - that he's done nothing wrong, that your feelings are unacceptable & must not be expressed, that no matter how bad you are feeling, you must put his emotional comfort above your own.

If I wasn't angry before, I am now.
Suppressed anger often turns into depression.
You are perfectly reasonable to be feeling angry.
It's healthier for you than living a pretence, & walking on eggshells to pretend you are not upset, just to spare your partner's ego & false sense of himself as a virtuous/injured party in this.
You be as angry as you need to be OP. You have done nothing wrong.

Sorry to hear about all of this OP. I had counselling for exactly the same reason as you (partner pressuring me to have an abortion that I didn’t want) and it’s so important to be able to be honest about the anger you’re carrying. Do not let him make you feel bad for having expressed yourself in a private space.
Some people might disagree but maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world that he’s overheard what you actually think and feel about him and his actions. I don’t think that men who pressure women into abortions will ever truly understand how difficult it is for the women who go through it.
Keep on your journey of healing and know that you’re not a bad person for what happened. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

^ So good it's worth reading twice OP.

You may not be ready to leave, but this man is highly manipulative, & only considers his own feelings.

Enough said for now ...

You say the relationship has always been hard. That’s enough to tell you it’s not right for you. A good relationship may have occasional bumps but overall it should be easy.

You shouldn’t have to spend any time working on a partner’s bad behaviour.

I think I woke up to that fact when I was lying in bed, reading a book called “Treading on Eggshells” about how to be understanding towards an abusive person with borderline personality disorder.

Even if that's the case, it doesn't excuse his reaction & behaviour.

It strikes me that he's not bothered that you feel so strongly. He's not upset that you feel that way. He is angry that you've told someone else how you feel and it has made him look bad to an outside observer.

Read that again.

His own behaviour has made him look bad. This is about image management.

You’re doing the right thing OP, he’s shat all over your trust and shown very little respect for you. You deserve better

I'm very surprised that you chose to have a therapy session when he was in the property at all and that you just asked him to leave the room. I wouldn't have been able to relax for fear of being overheard.

I know it's not what you asked about but therapy especially difficult and challenging issues are very private. You really must not have sessions like this when there is a risk of being overheard by anyone. Going forward, whatever happens here, I would always make sure you are completely alone for a therapry session.

As I said your partner doesn’t respect you if they don’t leave the house when you’re having your therapy sessions and if they refused then I would end the relationship immediately.

However, you are lying if you say you would not be upset over someone discussing their resentment and anger towards you (aka slagging your off) but yet not discussing this with you.

There was a thread about a conversation an OP saw where her DH was having a moan about her and the majority of the posters said he was completely in the wrong and she was right to read the messages after seeing her name.

I do agree with trying to make your relationship work but it’s pretty obvious that if most of the session is going to be about the resentment you have towards your partner then they shouldn’t be in the house when you’re discussing it.

What he did is completely unforgivable.

To an extent, I get why he’s upset - truth hurts and all that. But it was your private thoughts and he should have respected that.

I’d also wonder whether he’s lying about not listening to your other sessions. This one was hurt him because it was about him. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s been listening more than once.

So he’s not wrong to invade her phone etc either, or was that behaviour just not worthy of comment?

There are a lot of red flags for abuse in what you are saying, before you factor in him pressuring you into an abortion.

Have you been together a long time? Being in an abusive relationship can be a significant contributor to poor mental health.

I really strongly recommend reading the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (You can download on kindle app) It’s extremely insightful and compassionate. (Obviously don’t let him know you are reading it). If the book doesn’t reasonate with you that’s great, but it may well do from what you’ve posted here.

Way to miss the point.

This isn't about him "accidentally" overhearing.
It's about him laying into OP, attempting to coerce her into re-writing history & erasing her feelings, & manipulating her by stonewalling.

OP is only human too.
She didn't deserve any of his behaviour about the termination in the first instance, & now this appalling betrayal of trust & attempt to whitewash her feelings in order to prop up his ego.

He is only concerned with his reputation, & what he wants to hear. He is prepared to bully OP into lying about her feelings, to spare his own.

I'm not sure that's quite fair.

I can have someone talking in the same room as me while I'm getting on with something, and not really register what they're saying if it's irrelevant to me. However if they were using my name, as presumably she was using his, then I would find I was listening without really intending to. Because we're used to responding to our name so using it makes us more aware. (ENT told me, when ds' hearing was being checked, to keep using his name when talking to him as it would keep him focusing on what I was saying)

And also at what point did he leave?
If it was just at the end, having listened through, because he didn't want to see her, then, yes, he is to blame.
But if I was in that situation, I might hear the first thing, then assume that they're moving on, and then something else comes up. And only after a couple think that I needed to move.
We had a situation at work one time where I was in my office, and another chap came in, and was talking in a low voice to my colleague. I wasn't really listening, but there was a situation going on that I knew lots about but there were confidential parts. It had happened before, but normally only a couple of sentences. It was only after a few minutes that I realised he'd got a lot to say and some of it I shouldn't be there for. So I offered to go out, which they accepted. I have offered at other times and been told no need, or they'd said what they needed to say.

It isn't as clear as hear one thing and go away straight away, and I'm sure most of the people here wouldn't have done that either.

As others have said though, next time drive your car to a place where you won't know anyone passing and do it there. I've done that on a few occasions for telephone calls that I don't want my family overhearing.

@ShowUs, Once again, it was not 'slagging him off' to a friend or family member. She was talking about her feelings to a professional who's job it is to draw out these feelings and help her to process them. It's not the same as sending an email to someone venting about him.

Counselling should be sacred. It's a confessional. She should not have to self-censor. She may well be realising, by talking about this, that the relationship is a bad one and she needs to leave - but she gets to that point by admitting her feelings and working through to that realisation.

This is what the sessions are for.

And THIS ^^ is why people should NEVER enter couples counselling when one of the pair is abusive.

This man wasn't even part of the session! - but look at how he's weaponised it to beat OP up with, & make it all about himself.

No concern for her, no support, no apology - just punishment.
This is how abusers ALWAYS respond to the therapeutic process. It's just another weapon of control to them.