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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really don’t know what to do 😔

189 replies

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 12:45

I love my DP but he doesn’t seem to get on with my youngster DS who’s 12. I’ve been with my DP 2yrs and we all live together. My DP doesn’t have his own DC so was used to the quiet chilled out lifestyle and being able to do his own thing whenever.

He has been living with us for 6 months but he clashes so much with my youngest DS and just doesn’t have the patience with him. My DS is hard work and is at that age where he wants to game all the time and my DP gets so annoyed with it and ends up just going off and doing his own things rather then trying to do things as a family. I understand his frustration, but I just think my DP needs to chill out a bit and try having a bit of a laugh with my DS rather then shouting at him and going off out in a strop if he doesn’t get off his Xbox immediately.

I feel like I’m piggy in the middle as I get it in the neck from my DP about my DS.

OP posts:
Pieceofpurplesky · 16/04/2023 12:46

Your DS should be your priority. Get rid of the man.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/04/2023 12:47

Why do you live together already? It's very quick, so was it finances?

Effieswig · 16/04/2023 12:48

Honestly, you do know what to do. You just don’t want to do it.

Having your dp there is making you unhappy. It’s certainly also making your ds unhappy.

He needs to go.

Napsarethebest · 16/04/2023 12:49

Really? You don't know what to do? It's that unclear to you who your priority is here? Really?

DarkDarkNight · 16/04/2023 12:49

I feel sorry for your son who without any say in the matter is living with a man who barely tolerates him.

Newusernameaug · 16/04/2023 12:50

This is so unfair on your children. Unless a step parent is all in, they really shouldn’t live with children.

SpringOn · 16/04/2023 12:51

Yes, agree with PP
ditch the bloke.

Wishona · 16/04/2023 12:53

Yeah you need to split, or at the very lease live separately. I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone who treated my child like this though.

Pashy · 16/04/2023 12:53

You really don’t know what to do when there’s a man living in your child’s home who is causing stress and drama?

Think reallllly hard and you might just come up with an idea.

AnonymousA1 · 16/04/2023 12:54

They are not “clashing” one is an adult one is a child.

Your child comes before anyone.

or he should do.

Napsarethebest · 16/04/2023 12:55

And what angers me even more is that you are positioning yourself as the victim. You are not piggy in the middle. You are an adult and literally the enabler of this whole situation.

stealthninjamum · 16/04/2023 12:56

I think your dp should move out. It doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship but your poor dc should come first.

EllandRd · 16/04/2023 12:56

He does not see his own kids? What an dead beat dad, why you with him ?

ballerinagirl · 16/04/2023 12:58

You are his mother and should NOT be watching your child be shouted at by a man that's only been living with him for 6 months!
Honestly you put your child in this situation and YOU are now playing the victim.
Your poor son

emptythelitterbox · 16/04/2023 12:58

He needs to leave.

You pack his bag and put it outside and change the locks then delete and block him.

Love and put your son first.

Pashy · 16/04/2023 12:59

EllandRd · 16/04/2023 12:56

He does not see his own kids? What an dead beat dad, why you with him ?

Because they don’t exist…?

Original poster
OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 13:00

@EllandRd he doesn’t have his own kids.

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 16/04/2023 13:02

It sounds like he moved in with you, therefore he needs to move back out

Pashy · 16/04/2023 13:03

Honestly OP, women like you make me so angry.

He moved in 6 months ago. If you and he were clashing to the point that he was frustrated and annoyed with you, you’d have him leave.

Your child has no say in this and now had s to share his home with someone who clearly dislikes him.

You’re putting a man above your child, and acting like you’re the victim here and don’t have agency.

perfectcolourfound · 16/04/2023 13:07

Honestly, it was a huge risk moving a man in with your children so soon. I know you can't turn back the clock, but it looks as though you prioritised living with your bf over your children's happiness. Because very few children would choose to have a near stranger who isn't interested in them move in their home.

They don't 'clash'. Your bf is intolerant and entitled. I would get rid. No way should children be forced to live with someone who doesn't like them.

GG1986 · 16/04/2023 13:11

Protect your child and put him first, get rid of this guy.

supercali77 · 16/04/2023 13:14

I cant believe a man has moved into a house and within 6 months is throwing strops that a pre teen is being.....well, a pre teen. Since he's not a dad he clearly isn't getting the fact that most of them take ages to do anything. Put socks on. Come to the table. Plus it's just outrageous entitlement to come in and start throwing your weight round with someone else's child. I agree with everyone else, you're the linchpin here, you decide whether you're 'stuck in the middle' or making choices in yours and your sons best interests

jsku · 16/04/2023 13:36

I think blending in another adult into an established family unit is tricky.
I have experienced it both ways - as a child when my mom’s partner moved in when I was 12. And as a divorced parent with a bf who spends a fair bit of time at my place.
I do think there is no way for the mother to avoid being torn and in the middle of it all.

I think one needs to be thoughtful about your expectations for the ‘blending’.
And at the start of it - is being realistic about what is possible. If your youngest is 12 - and you have older kid(s) as well - and your bf never had kids and recently appeared at the scene - you are NOT going to have the ‘family’ time you are referring to.

With smaller kids, and a bf who wanted to ‘play daddy’ - yes. But not with teenagers, that are difficult even with own family.

You sort of need to think more about how you all get along in the space that you have. How to balance your time with the kids, their routine and another adult there where you and bf have your own time sometimes too.

On a completely separate note - i don’t think that being 12 makes someone want to be gaming all the time, or that it is good parenting to have no boundaries on that. But it’s your choice, obv. I would probably move the gaming PC to your son’s room and tell bf to let him be.

But equally - I’d not then be bending family routine around a teenager with no rules or boundaries. Not sure if this is happening - but say - won’t be waiting to start dinner until son finishes game, etc.

I do absolutely agree with putting your kids first. But not all disagreements between teenagers and new partners are about that. What you describe is more about getting along; boundaries and behaviour; priorities and expectations.

B0g · 16/04/2023 13:40

You don't allow your boyfriend to shout at and 'clash' with your child, obviously. Date your bloke if you feel the need, entirely separate to your child, who never should have been made to live with this man. It's awful you've allowed this to happen but easily rectified by dumping him, or removing him from your house.
(Please don't say you're dependent on a boyfriend to house you)

B0g · 16/04/2023 13:42

Also agree with other posters who pointed out that it was in no way prioritising or safeguarding your kids by making them live with your boyfriend.