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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really don’t know what to do 😔

189 replies

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 12:45

I love my DP but he doesn’t seem to get on with my youngster DS who’s 12. I’ve been with my DP 2yrs and we all live together. My DP doesn’t have his own DC so was used to the quiet chilled out lifestyle and being able to do his own thing whenever.

He has been living with us for 6 months but he clashes so much with my youngest DS and just doesn’t have the patience with him. My DS is hard work and is at that age where he wants to game all the time and my DP gets so annoyed with it and ends up just going off and doing his own things rather then trying to do things as a family. I understand his frustration, but I just think my DP needs to chill out a bit and try having a bit of a laugh with my DS rather then shouting at him and going off out in a strop if he doesn’t get off his Xbox immediately.

I feel like I’m piggy in the middle as I get it in the neck from my DP about my DS.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 16/04/2023 16:24

Pixiedust1234 · 16/04/2023 16:14

I was hoping for some people to actually relate to what I’ve posted rather than thrashing me.

What are you wanting from posting? If you say specifically then you will get more tailored answers.

Do you want teenager help, DP relationship help, or something else?

Validation by the looks of it

Soozikinzii · 16/04/2023 16:28

He should move out . You can still see each other but not try to be a family .

KittyAlfred · 16/04/2023 16:34

You’re saying “we” this and “we” that, as if you were both parents. You’re not. You’re the parent, and your boyfriend is just your boyfriend. And a fairly new boyfriend too.

You'll regret this in the future OP.

Bananalanacake · 16/04/2023 16:58

Have a relationship without living together, then your DC can do what he wants without you worrying your dp will kick off.

Whiskeypowers · 16/04/2023 17:05

You carry on kidding yourself, you seem remarkably good at it.

Original poster
OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 17:06

@Whiskeypowers rude!!

OP posts:
GlassBunion · 16/04/2023 17:10

Crack on OP.

We'll wait for future posts from you about how upset you are that your son barely comes to visit you as he doesn't see eye to eye with your partner.

JANetChick · 16/04/2023 17:14

You moved in together far too quickly.

Your son is your priority. His need to feel comfortable and secure in his home environment is more important than your desperation for a boyfriend.

Do the right thing. You know what that is.

Original poster
OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 17:19

@GlassBunion oh don’t worry….you’ll never see any future posts on here from me. Would rather stick my head in a hornets nest then seek advice from a group of vultures who claim to be giving ‘advice’ when really they’re just getting a kick at how nasty they can be because they’re hiding behind a screen 🙄🙄

OP posts:
Whiskeypowers · 16/04/2023 17:21

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 17:06

@Whiskeypowers rude!!

Not rude. A statement of fact.
you are making every excuse under the sun for this man and throwing your young son under the bus in the process

children aren’t stupid. He will know exactly where your priorities lie and it will badly damage his estimation of you over time and probably has done already. Instead of asking what you can to repair that you’ve started a thread which basically involves you bending under backwards to accommodate his bully.

as someone who has had to fight tooth and nail to keep their children safe from their own father it boils my piss when women inflict this sort of shit on their kids just to keep a man happy.

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2023 17:23

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 17:19

@GlassBunion oh don’t worry….you’ll never see any future posts on here from me. Would rather stick my head in a hornets nest then seek advice from a group of vultures who claim to be giving ‘advice’ when really they’re just getting a kick at how nasty they can be because they’re hiding behind a screen 🙄🙄

What do you want to hear?

Tell us and we'll try and oblige,

<irony>

Effieswig · 16/04/2023 17:23

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 17:19

@GlassBunion oh don’t worry….you’ll never see any future posts on here from me. Would rather stick my head in a hornets nest then seek advice from a group of vultures who claim to be giving ‘advice’ when really they’re just getting a kick at how nasty they can be because they’re hiding behind a screen 🙄🙄

Genuinely, what advice did you want? Or expect?

How to change him? How to make him like your son?

How to change your son so he fits in with your Dps views?

You are very unhappy. Your son is very unhappy. The only advice is to put your son first, and leave.

Original poster
OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 17:25

@Nanny0gg irony….really? You don’t know the meaning of the word!!

like I’ve already stated. I appreciate the response and advice. I don’t appreciate the rudeness and the accusations of me being a bad parent and putting my child at risk!

OP posts:
GlassBunion · 16/04/2023 17:25

@OneHitWonder40

I think the problem here is that your son is using a screen to escape from your partner who is finding it difficult to deal with your son as he has no prior experience and that you are not protecting your son from your partner's comments and behaviour towards him.

You need to tackle this. Your son doesn't want time away from his screen , eg days out, because it will expose him to more vitriol from your partner.

You must , surely, see that?

Original poster
OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 17:28

@GlassBunion nope! My DS is more then happy to have days out if it’s something HE wants to do, but if it’s something we want to do, that’s when the drama unfolds.

OP posts:
ballerinagirl · 16/04/2023 17:35

Wow OP get a grip! Over 100 people on this thread are telling you the same thing, and you're still arguing. No wonder your son doesn't want to spend time with you or your partner.
You obviously aren't going to put your own child first and should be totally ashamed.
Your partner knows nothing about being a parent and you are letting him shout at your child for doing what children do.
Honestly vile

MoongazyHare · 16/04/2023 17:38

What does the boy’s father think of your partner shouting and abusing your child, emotionally?

GlassBunion · 16/04/2023 17:39

So you have a problem.
Sit down and talk to your son and ask him why he doesn't want family days out.

Talk to your partner and tell him to back off... you're the parent, not him.

Just posting the problem and not liking the responses suggests that you haven't tried to tackle the problem.

Tell us what you have tried.

What does your son say ?
What does your partner say?
What are the things that your son likes/doesn't like to do?
What are the differences in the days out?
Have you spoken to your son about the importance of family time?

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2023 17:48

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 17:28

@GlassBunion nope! My DS is more then happy to have days out if it’s something HE wants to do, but if it’s something we want to do, that’s when the drama unfolds.

That sounds perfectly normal

KittyAlfred · 16/04/2023 17:57

OP I’ve been on MN for nearly 20 years under various names, and I’ve posted about multiple topics. There are a huge range of views on MN, with people having polar opposite opinions on issues. I’ve found it quite upsetting at times, to be told I’m doing things wrong, and I’ve often ignored these posts in favour of the ones that say I’m doing things right. We all read posts selectively, paying most attention to the ones that suit us best. It’s human nature.

But on this occasion you must see that everyone is saying the same thing. You moved your partner in too soon, and he is crossing the line massively by chastising your son.

If you are determined to stay living together, then you have to tell your partner not to discipline your son. That is your job. You may find that if your partner takes on the role of impartial observer, rather than second parent, their relationship may improve.

Channellingsophistication · 16/04/2023 18:23

It’s not acceptable for your DP to shout at your DS. He has no parental responsibility (or experience even!) How would you have liked it at your son’s age having a new adult move into your home telling you off? You have to see things from the point of view of your DS…. which you are not doing..

Channellingsophistication · 16/04/2023 18:25

Tell DP to leave the parenting to you - talk to your son and find out his concerns or worries - then things might improve

jsku · 16/04/2023 18:26

@OneHitWonder40

Look - I was that 12yo who didn’t want to do things with my mom and her partner.

Not because of gaming - but just because.

And this is the reason I am doing it differently with my kids and my bf. I make sure not to force ‘togetherness’ on us all.
My bf is here a few days a week, and we make sure that there are me+kids times.
I go on holidays just with my kids. And go on holidays with bf when kids are with their dad.
We have dinners together when we are all here - but that is about it. Not like teenagers want to go on walks or museums with family anyway.

(BTW it’s very different from my exH, his gf and her kids. Ex seems to only want to do things as a whole blended unit - and this started almost immediately after they all got introduced. And they moved in together after a year of dating.)

I would draw the line at a bf raising his voice at my child. But I am firm enough with mine that I have no problems making and enforcing boundaries. And I don’t tolerate much rudeness from mine.

I do think you need to have a proper talk with both your bf and your son. Even if bf weren’t around - I think you need to find a better way of managing your son’s screen time addition.

JacobsCrackersCheeseFogg · 16/04/2023 18:29

I think, kindly, that you've been dating your P for 2 years and moved in him in six months ago without allowing your son to build up a relationship with the P first. I think to your son the P is a stranger who is suddenly telling him what to do, where to go and how to behave and it's inevitable your son is going to rebel against that. There is no respect or boundaries in this relationship because you haven't handled it properly. Also, this stranger is SHOUTING at him! If I was your son, I'd think, who is this adult who thinks he can yell at me to do what he wants? No Thank You.

Your P needs to leave the family home. If you want to keep seeing him, fine, but you can't expect him to be a parent to your lad when he doesn't have any parenting experience and besides, why should he be doing any parenting at all? He is not a parent, you are. I think your expectations are way too high. Keep the two separate.

PinotPony · 16/04/2023 18:44

Was there a particular reason you moved in together? It seems fairly soon in the relationship.

My DP has no kids of his own. We've been dating 3 years. He gets frustrated at my teenagers but he's never shouted at them or told them off. It's not his place to.

I'm surprised you're not more concerned about how DP is behaving. He can express frustration to you but certainly shouldn't be disciplining your DS.