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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really don’t know what to do 😔

189 replies

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 12:45

I love my DP but he doesn’t seem to get on with my youngster DS who’s 12. I’ve been with my DP 2yrs and we all live together. My DP doesn’t have his own DC so was used to the quiet chilled out lifestyle and being able to do his own thing whenever.

He has been living with us for 6 months but he clashes so much with my youngest DS and just doesn’t have the patience with him. My DS is hard work and is at that age where he wants to game all the time and my DP gets so annoyed with it and ends up just going off and doing his own things rather then trying to do things as a family. I understand his frustration, but I just think my DP needs to chill out a bit and try having a bit of a laugh with my DS rather then shouting at him and going off out in a strop if he doesn’t get off his Xbox immediately.

I feel like I’m piggy in the middle as I get it in the neck from my DP about my DS.

OP posts:
MobyJeff · 16/04/2023 13:43

You really do know what to do. You’re an adult and a parent. Your son comes first.

Original poster
OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 13:49

@jsku thank you. At least you understand the difficulty. My son does spend far too much time gaming and I know that’s my fault for letting him in the past, but when we do try and go out my son makes it very clear he doesn’t want to go out and that’s when the problems start and that’s what my DP has no patience with.

OP posts:
BishopRock · 16/04/2023 13:49

You know what to do, your son comes first over any man.

MissMarplesbag · 16/04/2023 13:51

Get rid of him, he's not safe for your ds to be around, vhis home should be his sanctuary not a battle ground.

MaireadMcSweeney · 16/04/2023 13:52

Why is he parenting your DS?
I do sympathise - I have a 14yo DS who is a typical teenage boy and DP has smaller cuter kids. I am also too soft with DS. BUT discipline and parenting is MY job not DP's. Your DP is going to drive your DS further away from you which as he enters the teenage years is the last thing you need. I would be moving him back out and maintaining a not living together relationship.

usererror99 · 16/04/2023 13:53

Well 1. You didn't know him very long before you moved him right on in with your children?

  1. What discussions did you have about him parenting - or not - your children - did you set boundaries about what is and isn't appropriate when it comes to you living together?
Napsarethebest · 16/04/2023 13:56

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 13:49

@jsku thank you. At least you understand the difficulty. My son does spend far too much time gaming and I know that’s my fault for letting him in the past, but when we do try and go out my son makes it very clear he doesn’t want to go out and that’s when the problems start and that’s what my DP has no patience with.

Oh you silly woman. Engaging only with comments that validate your delusion. I despair. Why oh why do women keep putting themselves and their children at the mercy of random men on the basis that they find them attractive. And then spend the next ten years trying to work out why their relationship isn't working. Are you that desperate for a relationship?

Ugh I just cannot. Your poor son.

ArseMenagerie · 16/04/2023 13:56

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 13:49

@jsku thank you. At least you understand the difficulty. My son does spend far too much time gaming and I know that’s my fault for letting him in the past, but when we do try and go out my son makes it very clear he doesn’t want to go out and that’s when the problems start and that’s what my DP has no patience with.

But maybe your DP hasn’t really tried to create a relationship with your DS? He sounds grumpy and intolerant so I can’t really blame your DS for not falling in to this new family unit that you have wished up.

AlwaysGinPlease · 16/04/2023 13:59

Why are you letting a man you shag tell
your child what to do let alone allow him to shout at him? Is your bar that low? Your poor son.

ballerinagirl · 16/04/2023 14:00

Only agreeing with the one poster that sees your point. You've waited until someone agreed with you before commenting again.
You have no intention of putting your son first!!! What a disgrace

Pixiedust1234 · 16/04/2023 14:08

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 13:49

@jsku thank you. At least you understand the difficulty. My son does spend far too much time gaming and I know that’s my fault for letting him in the past, but when we do try and go out my son makes it very clear he doesn’t want to go out and that’s when the problems start and that’s what my DP has no patience with.

when we do try and go out my son makes it very clear he doesn’t want to go out

Doesn't want to go out because...?

Because he doesn't like your DP?
Because he doesn't like where you are going?
Because he thinks you and DP will be attentive to each other whilst ignoring him?

I think you have moved DP into your house too quickly, he needs to move out.

choochooandspook · 16/04/2023 14:09

what? you've only known him 2 years and now he's parenting your son. even if your son does spend too much time gaming what's it got to do with him. he's your son not his,

uncomfortablydumb53 · 16/04/2023 14:11

You're piggy in the middle??
You moved in without considering the consequences for your DS
At the very least, DP should move out
Your DC should be your priority and you shouldn't even think of piggy in the middle

QueenLagertha · 16/04/2023 14:13

Another woman putting a man before her own children. Your poor son

monsteramunch · 16/04/2023 14:19

He shouts at your kid and storms off?

Mate, what are you thinking?

You're making your child live with someone who is simultaneously telling them that they aren't behaving well while also modelling the idea that men can shout and storm off if they don't get their way then just come back and carry on as normal.

It's toxic and unhealthy.

Whiskeypowers · 16/04/2023 14:20

So predictable that you pounced on the person who isn’t blaming you for this.

put your son before your need for a sex like or validation from a man who is basically bullying him.

you know exactly what you need to do you are just spineless and more bothered about yourself which is appalling.

monsteramunch · 16/04/2023 14:20

Pashy · 16/04/2023 13:03

Honestly OP, women like you make me so angry.

He moved in 6 months ago. If you and he were clashing to the point that he was frustrated and annoyed with you, you’d have him leave.

Your child has no say in this and now had s to share his home with someone who clearly dislikes him.

You’re putting a man above your child, and acting like you’re the victim here and don’t have agency.

This.

You aren't piggy in the middle OP.

You're an adult with complete autonomy over where you live, who you live with and who your children live with.

You just don't want to dump him it sounds like.

hobbledyhoy · 16/04/2023 14:22

You know what the answer is, you're just choosing not to do it.
That poor boy.

Original poster
OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 14:22

@ballerinagirl i didn’t realise it was compulsory to reply to all comments. Silly me 🙄🙄

OP posts:
MrLbz · 16/04/2023 14:23

Props to @jsku for a sensitive and considered comment and whilst the rest of you are basically correct in that OP needs to separate her relationship and family your tone is unhelpful.

ballerinagirl · 16/04/2023 14:27

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 14:22

@ballerinagirl i didn’t realise it was compulsory to reply to all comments. Silly me 🙄🙄

But you only replied to the poster who agreed with you. Surprise surprise 🙄

Your child is being bullied by your live in partner and you're doing fuck all about it, apart from play victim. Sort it out

NCMum79 · 16/04/2023 14:27

@OneHitWonder40 It's a bit of a classic trope on MN, poster comes on to solicit opinions, only comes back to reply to comments that are favourable to their opinion. E.g. disingenuous waste of people's time

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/04/2023 14:30

Poor kid.

Your P needs to move out.

But it seems like you don’t want to listen to most posters.

user1492757084 · 16/04/2023 14:31

The boyfriend needs to go.
Don't have a mean man in your home.

You also need to set better boundaries with how much gaming and screen time your child does.
For his own benefit, your DS should have a limit of one hour per day and a couple of days completely screen free per week so that he naturally learns other skills.

His growing body needs to experience moving about and exercise. His mind needs to develp social graces and good people manners and observations.

AprilFool23 · 16/04/2023 14:34

Your son should be your priority.

It's your son's home, he had no-where else to go. Your bf has. He can live wherever he likes.

At a year and a half, he moved in too fast anyway.

He sounds intolerant.