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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really don’t know what to do 😔

189 replies

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 12:45

I love my DP but he doesn’t seem to get on with my youngster DS who’s 12. I’ve been with my DP 2yrs and we all live together. My DP doesn’t have his own DC so was used to the quiet chilled out lifestyle and being able to do his own thing whenever.

He has been living with us for 6 months but he clashes so much with my youngest DS and just doesn’t have the patience with him. My DS is hard work and is at that age where he wants to game all the time and my DP gets so annoyed with it and ends up just going off and doing his own things rather then trying to do things as a family. I understand his frustration, but I just think my DP needs to chill out a bit and try having a bit of a laugh with my DS rather then shouting at him and going off out in a strop if he doesn’t get off his Xbox immediately.

I feel like I’m piggy in the middle as I get it in the neck from my DP about my DS.

OP posts:
Original poster
OneHitWonder40 · 17/04/2023 09:01

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 16/04/2023 23:10

Didn’t you say this a few pages ago? Yet you’re still here…

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Well when you quote me unfortunately it appears in my notifications 😏

OP posts:
Original poster
OneHitWonder40 · 17/04/2023 09:03

MrsMorrisey · 17/04/2023 04:50

Good points but you did make him out to be the bad guy 🤷‍♀️

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No I didn’t. That’s the lovely vultures on here making him out to be a bully, abusive along with other names and statements they’ve used for hun 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
OneHitWonder40 · 17/04/2023 09:06

MarieRoseMarie · 17/04/2023 08:26

Unfortunately this is the reality of most “new partners” on MN. Desperate women, arsehole BF and abandoned children.

Desperate and abandoned….how dare you. Now sold off back to the hole you crawled up from. An advice forum my arse 🤬

OP posts:
LegallyFit · 17/04/2023 09:08

@OneHitWonder40 Please ignore the nasty people on here who have no idea about your life.

Original poster
OneHitWonder40 · 17/04/2023 09:09

flymeawaytothemilkyway22 · 17/04/2023 05:55

So true op . I see this way too much on mums net unfortunately. I don't think you are a bad mother at all . Any normal person would have an issue with a child they loved and cared about wanting to game all the time instead of going out as a family . If he didn't care he wouldn't be bothered if he was on his game .

I swear more than 80 percent of mumsnet are unemployed women sitting on their sofas everyday just looking for posts to pick on people . Are their lives that bad they need to be horrible to people? This is a forum for advice and help apparently .

The only advice I can give you op is all 3 of you sit down and have a talk about it . Maybe day to your son that one day on a weekend he can game and on the other he needs to come out as a family. I wish you luck ❤️

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No, I think they’re all happily married SAHM living off hubby’s money with their ‘perfect life’ and ‘perfect children’ whilst loving criticising those whose life’s are far from it.

OP posts:
ShipSpace · 17/04/2023 09:12

I’m sure your partner is not what most people would describe as abusive.

I just feel so, so sorry for your little boy in all this. He didn’t ask for any of it, and is just being a 12 year old 😢

Original poster
OneHitWonder40 · 17/04/2023 09:18

Thanks to all those who have given me genuine advice.

Now can someone tell me how to hide this thread please.

OP posts:
MarieRoseMarie · 17/04/2023 09:27

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
OneHitWonder40 · 17/04/2023 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

🤣🤣 just goes to show how judgemental some are on here without knowing the full facts.

I was married for 17yrs sweetheart 🤣

OP posts:
Bluebells1970 · 17/04/2023 09:34

We adored my stepdad - until he moved in with us. Within weeks, he'd taken rule of the roost and everything changed.

Meals changed as he didn't like our family diet. And tea was no longer at 6pm, it was 8pm even though we'd been at school all day.

He didn't like anyone having a bath as we only had 1 bathroom so we had to shower. Even though the water pressure was awful ....
He didn't like the dog coming upstairs so that had to stop.. dog was 9 and had always slept on our beds. He was miserable and so were we.
He liked to sit on his own with Mum after tea so we had to go to our rooms... and miss whatever was on TV as we only had one downstairs.

It was the small insidious changes that crept in bit by bit and my Mum just let him do it. And in hindsight, it was all about control. Our home wasn't our own anymore, even though it looked exactly the same.

Your DS is showing you that he's struggling. Please listen to him.

MarieRoseMarie · 17/04/2023 09:39

This reply has been deleted

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SVRT19674 · 17/04/2023 09:42

My mum did this. And used the exact same phrase of "piggy in the middle". I didn´t want to hurt her so never told her what people here have told you. I was 17 back then, I am 48 now, and have never forgotten it. He was not my father, the thought that some random should be disciplining your child is really weird. You can go off in a huff, which it seems you have, but maybe one day you will realise that if you had heeded the advice you wouldn´t have a kid who inside will never forgive you. I love my mum to bits, but it still rankles when I think about it 30 years later.

Original poster
OneHitWonder40 · 17/04/2023 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yeah I was happily married until I found out he was repeatedly cheating on me, but then I suppose that’s my fault too eh 🤷🏻‍♀️

My DS has had counselling. And throwing him under the bus….I really don’t think so.

OP posts:
LegallyFit · 17/04/2023 09:45

@OneHitWonder40 I would probably hide this thread for your own benefit. The posts on here towards you are nasty and uncalled for. You can report certain posts if they are too personal or abusive.

Original poster
OneHitWonder40 · 17/04/2023 09:51

LegallyFit · 17/04/2023 09:45

@OneHitWonder40 I would probably hide this thread for your own benefit. The posts on here towards you are nasty and uncalled for. You can report certain posts if they are too personal or abusive.

I don’t know how to hide it.

OP posts:
LegallyFit · 17/04/2023 09:51

@OneHitWonder40 Are you on the app or desktop?

ShipSpace · 17/04/2023 09:59

I think most of the nasty ones are born out of such extreme defensive in your posts, but agree they are unnecessary and unhelpful.

I hope you find a way to look after your poor son. He went through the cheating dad and family split too. As a 12 year old, he doesn’t have the opportunity to find a new relationship and move on with new happiness like you do.

Original poster
OneHitWonder40 · 17/04/2023 10:07

LegallyFit · 17/04/2023 09:51

@OneHitWonder40 Are you on the app or desktop?

Desktop

OP posts:
theWarOnPeace · 17/04/2023 10:16

I agree that sometimes the tone in this thread is uncalled for, but I think it has been spurred on by your defensiveness and unwillingness to engage with posts that you don’t agree with.

I am often upset and frustrated by how often these types of threads pop up, and I’m sure that creeps into responses.

If your son has needed to access counselling and has met the threshold for it, then he really should not be in this position. I have also gone through the shittiest divorce and I’m sure many people posting have had awful experiences and want to find love again. However no of that can ever and should ever trump the happiness and emotional well-being of a young child. The being on games all day is frustrating, yes. But either you deal with it or you don’t. It’s not up to a very new and unconnected person to a 12yo moving in and then laying down the law. I have a 12yo and honestly would not have moved anyone in at this stage. There’s no nicer way to say it.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 17/04/2023 10:19

The op cannot see that her Ds does not want to act the part of the fakey fakey Happy family on days out because it is not a happy family and the op is trying to force a narrative that he doesn't identify with.

I would put money on the partner not wanting it either. Storming off to “do his own thing” because OP’s son is spending too long on the Xbox? Convenient excuse.

LadyJ2023 · 17/04/2023 10:55

Wow you moved him in so quickly especially having a child already. I feel heart sorry for the child didn't you even consider feelings,emotions etc of a child who has never had a male in the house before. You need to figure this out and put it right before you lose your child and I can guarantee some of your partners behaviour wouldn't have just started after he moved in towards child.

Original poster
OneHitWonder40 · 17/04/2023 10:58

LadyJ2023 · 17/04/2023 10:55

Wow you moved him in so quickly especially having a child already. I feel heart sorry for the child didn't you even consider feelings,emotions etc of a child who has never had a male in the house before. You need to figure this out and put it right before you lose your child and I can guarantee some of your partners behaviour wouldn't have just started after he moved in towards child.

He has had a male in the house before…..his dad!! He also stays with his dad the weeks he seems him. Where did you come to that conclusion??

OP posts:
Isheabastard · 17/04/2023 11:10

I think as your DP has only been living with you for six months you could ask to have a talk about how things are going and perhaps establish and re-evaluate ground rules.

Obviously this will be a two way process but you need to establish that Dc is your son, and you know him best and what works. Maybe dig down and see if there’s any jealousy on the part of your DP.

Id suggest doing this confidently and as if it’s the most natural thing in the world ie like the 3/6 month appraisal or feedback meeting that’s often done in a new job.

Acornsoup · 17/04/2023 11:48

How did he pass the vetting stage?

Get rid and put your kids first. There will be other men Daffodil

Zanatdy · 17/04/2023 12:28

Just be careful OP. It’s been years since I was in your position, but I’ve just spent the last few days crying about what happened and it’s been 15yr since it happened now. You never truly know someone until they live with you. It might start off them getting sulky and annoyed with you, but then it can escalate. I regret every day letting my then boyfriend move in with me. I’d never, ever let someone move in with my kids now.