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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I really don’t know what to do 😔

189 replies

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 12:45

I love my DP but he doesn’t seem to get on with my youngster DS who’s 12. I’ve been with my DP 2yrs and we all live together. My DP doesn’t have his own DC so was used to the quiet chilled out lifestyle and being able to do his own thing whenever.

He has been living with us for 6 months but he clashes so much with my youngest DS and just doesn’t have the patience with him. My DS is hard work and is at that age where he wants to game all the time and my DP gets so annoyed with it and ends up just going off and doing his own things rather then trying to do things as a family. I understand his frustration, but I just think my DP needs to chill out a bit and try having a bit of a laugh with my DS rather then shouting at him and going off out in a strop if he doesn’t get off his Xbox immediately.

I feel like I’m piggy in the middle as I get it in the neck from my DP about my DS.

OP posts:

TeeBee · 16/04/2023 15:51

And if my boyfriend once shouted at my kids, his feet wouldn't touch the fucking floor! My kids don't need shouting at because I parent them.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 16/04/2023 15:52

MrLbz · 16/04/2023 14:23

Props to @jsku for a sensitive and considered comment and whilst the rest of you are basically correct in that OP needs to separate her relationship and family your tone is unhelpful.

It doesn’t matter how beautifully you decorate a stale cake - it’s still stale.

Pixiedust1234 · 16/04/2023 15:52

I think you need to parent your child and put good boundaries in place re gaming. Your DP needs to step back and not parent your child. That is how a lot of people do it successfully. Where it usually goes wrong is where the actual parent doesn't parent and lets the non parent do the disciplining.

Basically it means step up, and he steps back. Or he leaves. There aren't really any other options.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 16/04/2023 15:52

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 15:49

@B0g I love it when pp’s go trolling through other posts from the OP 🤣

What advice is it you are looking for op? You've had advice which you clearly don't want to hear.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 16/04/2023 15:54

You need to step up and be the parent, not allow your partner to do it and then complain about it.

Itakecreaminmycoffee · 16/04/2023 15:55

It seems to me there are two separate issues here: the fact that your ds is addicted to his Xbox and makes a fuss when you try to get him off it and the fact that your dp gets involved in the disciplining of your child and then storms off like a big man-baby when people don’t do as he says.

If the Xbox has become a problem you need to implement some rules and only allow ds on it between the hours of such and such a time. And then stick to it - if he kicks off the Xbox goes away for a week.

As for the behaviour of your dp, it’s up to you to decide whether that’s something you can put up with for the rest of your life and which also may cause estrangement and discord in your relationship with your child. He (dp) sounds like a bit of an arse.

Original poster

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 15:57

@FishChipsMushyPeas like I said, I appreciate each and every comment, but I’m not being accused of putting my kids at harm as that is f…ing out of order. Who in their right minds would 🤬

I was hoping for some people to actually relate to what I’ve posted rather than thrashing me.

Ive read all I need to read so I’m not bothering reading anymore comments.

OP posts:

Levithecat · 16/04/2023 15:58

I’m on the less popular side here (seems like it’s a sides thing). My wonderful eldest DS (10) struggled with DP because DS has been without boundaries from his dad, and has also seen himself as man of the house. I’m so sensitive to this and have been working hard with DS. But I also see the value in DP being slightly tougher, I think he’s a strong role model for DS. Though DP has listened a lot to me, and knows he needs to step back sometimes - we’re working on it.

I think what matters here most is your DP’s willingness to understand that he is the adult and DS is a child, that being wedded to your screen is normal for that age, and that he needs to treat DS with enough respect to work out a way to live (more) harmoniously with him. If my DP didn’t appreciate all that he would not live with us.

mischlerischler · 16/04/2023 15:58

I might be in minority, but I would be surprised to find out that teachers shout at children. But I am not in the UK, so perhaps that's why.

I would still find it unacceptable for a partner to yell at my kid. But if he sees you doing it, perhaps he thinks it's fine.

It does sound like your son is spending a lot of time gaming, but I don't think you'll change it by shouting at him.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/04/2023 15:59

Get rid of this vile man.

You can live without a "partner." You need to focus on your son.

Original poster

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 16:01

@mischlerischler i work in schools. So believe me, they do.

OP posts:

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 16/04/2023 16:04

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 15:47

Right, whilst I appreciate each and every comment…please don’t come on here and judge me from my little snippet that I have posted.

If my DP was that bad, I would have kicked his sorry arse into the ditch. Do you really think I would have him around my DC if he was? Seriously ffs 🙄
He gets frustrated with my son who will spend his whole weekend gaming if we let him, but when we try and get him off to spend family time, that’s when it all kicks off. So yes I’m as much to blame as I never really had any boundaries as my DP does.

Why do you think it’s not acceptable for the other adult in the household to discipline a child? I find this a strange comment!

why do you think it’s unacceptable for a child to be shouted at? Do you not think teachers shout at your child? Believe me they do when they’re at secondary school.

I would never, ever, EVER put my kids at any harm….so don’t you dare come on here and say that I am!!

Okay - first of all, posting a dilemma in MN and asking for views is pretty much the essence of asking to be judged on that little snippet. You got snarky with a poster who searched your other threads, so you clearly don’t want to be judged on any other information.

Secondly, another adult is a household is not the same as another parent. Why would there be any need for him to “discipline” your son?

Frankly I can see this going one of two ways, and they both end with one person leaving. It’s up to you whether that’s your partner now or your son as soon as he can get away when he’s old enough.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/04/2023 16:05

Family time?!? What the fuck. He's a stranger who your child hates. Prioritise. Your. Child.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 16/04/2023 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HisOliveTree · 16/04/2023 16:11

why do you think it’s unacceptable for a child to be shouted at? Do you not think teachers shout at your child? Believe me they do when they’re at secondary school

My DH is a step parent to my children, and has been for years. I'm also a step parent. Neither of us have ever shouted at our step children.

ArseMenagerie · 16/04/2023 16:13

MrLbz · 16/04/2023 14:23

Props to @jsku for a sensitive and considered comment and whilst the rest of you are basically correct in that OP needs to separate her relationship and family your tone is unhelpful.

Glad you’re here to tell us that. Phew.

Pixiedust1234 · 16/04/2023 16:14

I was hoping for some people to actually relate to what I’ve posted rather than thrashing me.

What are you wanting from posting? If you say specifically then you will get more tailored answers.

Do you want teenager help, DP relationship help, or something else?

welshpolarbear · 16/04/2023 16:16

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 15:49

@B0g I love it when pp’s go trolling through other posts from the OP 🤣

Quite relevant information to the thread though!

B0g · 16/04/2023 16:16

I didn’t ‘troll’, I’ve been here for over a decade, people who want their posting history unassociated with certain threads name change. Personally, I do understand. My mother moved a bloke or two in to my home during my childhood/teens and I know how your kid feels, hence me saying you need to prioritise him. And no, it’s not ok for a new bloke to shout at your kids, at all.

All you need to do is prioritise your child, it’s that simple. Why not date the man separately to your home life?

TokyoSushi · 16/04/2023 16:17

I'm not sure we're going to get you to agree with 90+ peoples almost unanimous point of view here OP.

But hopefully it'll lead you to have a think and see that your DS should always come first.

Chocchip11 · 16/04/2023 16:18

My dh moved in when my ds was 7, he had known him since he was 3. If he is moving in to be a family then you need to discuss boundaries with him, what is and isn't acceptable. For me, I did the majority of the parenting and decisions, but then ds called dh dad and naturally he took on a role of father but this is over many years, not 6 months, he's now 19! You're in charge and if you think ds is gaming too much you can discuss rules with ds and dp around it but no way should he be shouting at your son. You enforce the rules, not dp

Effieswig · 16/04/2023 16:19

OneHitWonder40 · 16/04/2023 15:47

Why do you think it’s not acceptable for the other adult in the household to discipline a child? I find this a strange comment!

why do you think it’s unacceptable for a child to be shouted at? Do you not think teachers shout at your child? Believe me they do when they’re at secondary school.

I would never, ever, EVER put my kids at any harm….so don’t you dare come on here and say that I am!!

But he is actually that bad isn’t he!

lunar1 · 16/04/2023 16:22

You aren't in the middle or f anything, he's an adult man, your son is a child.

No child should have to grow up in a home with an unrelated adult who doesn't like them.

Your sons gaming is a result of parenting choices, you parent in a way that means you aren't compatible for him to be part of parenting. He can't come along into your child's home and yell at him for things you allow.

RedRobyn2021 · 16/04/2023 16:23

My mother met my step father when I was 11 and he was the same with me, also childless himself. We get on well now although we have many differing views. But tbh had the shoe been on the other foot I would have binned him. I should have been the priority, he made me feel horrible in my own home and I felt betrayed by my mother.

Of course you know the full details, and in my case it worked out well in the end.

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2023 16:23

We don't know you. And from many of the posts that we see on here and from what goes on in RL it is entirely possible that you would have him around your DC if he that bad. And what you've told us so far, he's no prince.

We can only judge or advise from what you've posted. And you're obviously bothered enough to ask.

I would never, ever, EVER put my kids at any harm….so don’t you dare come on here and say that I am

Again, we don't know you.

He doesn't know your DC that well, he's come in and been allowed to be a 'father' without, I bet, any consultation.
And your DC is behaving the same as most kids his age do,

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