I really don’t know what to do 😔

[OneHitWonder40]

I love my DP but he doesn’t seem to get on with my youngster DS who’s 12. I’ve been with my DP 2yrs and we all live together. My DP doesn’t have his own DC so was used to the quiet chilled out lifestyle and being able to do his own thing whenever.

He has been living with us for 6 months but he clashes so much with my youngest DS and just doesn’t have the patience with him. My DS is hard work and is at that age where he wants to game all the time and my DP gets so annoyed with it and ends up just going off and doing his own things rather then trying to do things as a family. I understand his frustration, but I just think my DP needs to chill out a bit and try having a bit of a laugh with my DS rather then shouting at him and going off out in a strop if he doesn’t get off his Xbox immediately.

I feel like I’m piggy in the middle as I get it in the neck from my DP about my DS.

Why did your son need counselling?

Not sure if you're still reading but......

How long between you splitting with his dad and meeting your current partner? 12 is such a delicate age. I left my DH when DS was 12 and it was horrendous and no way could I have introduced him to a new partner, let alone moved one in. Yes of course you are entitled to a life, and no you can't let a 12 year old dictate who you live with so you need to sit down with your partner and set some boundaries. At 12 all they want to do is game, boys anyway. Your partner should not be shouting at your son, no matter how frustrated he is. Your son is not going to want to spend what he sees as his free time with someone who shouts at him and probably doesn't particularly like him.

You are not putting your son is harms way physically but emotionally it could be quite damaging to him, and to your future relationship with him. He needs to know you have his back and although that may seem obvious to you, it probably isn't to him. All he will see is mums bf shouts at me and my mum is ok with that. Your partner is on new territory and I imagine it is daunting going from no kids to living with someone else, but he needs to grow up, stop shouting, look into positive parenting and remember he is the adult here.

Op - I was once your son. I don’t care much for my mum now and we are no contact.
Things really went downhill between us fast when she moved my stepdad in when I was a teen and then 2 hours away with him when I was doing my Alevels still, and I have lived independently since. I have no respect for her and being 8 months pregnant now at 39 my feelings towards her have only gotten more intense. I could never do this as a mum.
While I don’t think you necessarily moved in too quickly, it looks like it’s not working out. This is your choice, I would prioritise my child always.

So you’ve been lazy about setting boundaries surrounding your sons gaming and now your DP has moved in, he thinks he has the authority. You really do need to assume some responsibility for what’s happening now but you seem reluctant, apart from handwringing and lamenting that your DP hasn’t taken you ‘path to least resistance’ style of parenting, to do anything.

Your partner needs to move out, the experiment hasn’t worked.

I’ve been where you are right now. It doesn’t get better, it gets worse. Just warning you.

Wonder why the OP isn't as assertive in RL as she is on here...

Perhaps and I know from my own experience he is a bit irritated. I used to moan to my partner about my daughter as her behaviour was unruly. He had told me in the years previous I was making a rod for my own back being so relaxed in the discipline area. I had separated from her dad and felt guilty. Me being soft has only made it worse. My partner felt powerless as he had to watch her being rude to me and myself being sad or annoyed. They perhaps don’t know how to channel their own frustration. The only way through it was to communicate and work together.

Thee we partner is a fat, lazy, sofa-dwelling lump based on the other thread.

Ah@Peapodburgundybouquet i haven’t read that thread. That’s not good then. My partner was hard working but he was getting stressed at my lack of boundaries and in turn got stressed at the child pushing them and for me being stressed and moaning at it. At the end of the day it’s my child and my responsibility to communicate. We are working more as a team now. My child’s world had changed and she was acting up as she didn’t feel safe. Boundaries help children feel safe. It’s all our jobs if we want to be a family to make this safely the most important thing. All the rest will fall into place, it is in my case, but it remains committed work from all of us. Have a relationship yes but that person needs to understand and be committed to putting in the work.

Yes so i see
She’s also planning to marry him.

18months was ridiculously early to move this bloke in. Very very tough on a 12 year old

I don’t think timescale has anything to do with it. The issue is not being able to put themselves in the boys shoes and empathise and have an action plan as a team. If the partner is there to stay how can they make the boys life feel safer. Currently sitting on his own in his room feels safe. I had a very similar situation. My daughter felt safe when she was in trouble so causing trouble is what she did. Her world felt un safe and so she caused conflict as that was all she knew. She came from abuse so will be different.

I put myself in her shoes when she pushed me away and she said she was afraid. She felt better when she created her safe world. The little boy needs his mum and a partner who supports this. All humans need connection, he doesn’t really want to sit all day on his own.

You let your boyfriend move into your child’s home/safe space and start arguing and getting angry with him? How DARE he, after a mere 2 years, behave like that towards your son? You need to either get rid of the boyfriend or teach him to have some bloody respect and stop behaving horribly towards your child? He’s not his dad and has no right! Protect your child! You say you don’t know what to do, but I think you do know. You just don’t want to do it.

Take control of get him out! Time for the big girl pants! It’s hard when that’s not something you are used to being.