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Original poster

him and his bloody ex

181 replies

happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:13

Easter sunday tomorrow.
I have no family around, so will be on my own.
Partner is going for easter dinner with his ex, his two lads, his mum and his brother.
I'm obviously not invited.
I'm glad they are amicable for the sake of the lads but why do they have to do this fake family thing.
He's seeing his boys all day today anyway and overnight.
I'm not bothered too much if it's xmas or one of his boys bdays.
But i feel like i've been relegated, made to feel second best.
He wants to see me after. I don't want to now.
We've been together 5 years and he's been separated from her over 8 years.
I've met the boys and his family etc but i'm always last on his priorities.
He knows i wasn't happy about the prospect of this but he's still chosen to go.
We originally had plans that afternoon but now he wants to delay this.
I'm apparently being unreasonable- maybe i am, but i just feel like shit and so sad. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
dotdotdotdash · 08/04/2023 19:19

I think it’s good to do family things with the ex now and then as it sends a good message to the kids and helps them feel secure. However… if you are often relegated to second place ask yourself is this man good enough for you. Is this your insecurities or is he genuinely neglectful and uncaring. Ask yourself these questions. You do deserve a loving mate who gives you love and attention; and if you don’t feel that, perhaps he’s not the one for you.

ladydimitrescu · 08/04/2023 19:20

Look, op - you are second best. They're his kids, so you should be. Honestly if it's a huge issue cut your losses and move on, and don't date someone with kids. He's tried to see you after but you've had a tantrum and decided that's not good enough. You're cutting your own nose to spite your face.
It's much better to have an amicable relationship with the mother of his children, it goes to show he's a decent bloke. Surely that paints a better picture than slagging her off all the time and finding reasons not to see his kids? Would you really want a partner like that?

category12 · 08/04/2023 19:21

Has the ex got a new partner?

rainyalan · 08/04/2023 19:21

After 5 year this would piss me off! Did you ask your ex why you weren't invited?

Itsallovernow23 · 08/04/2023 19:23

Fuck that! You poor thing. His family and ex are e clouding you and don't are about how you feel about it. His famoly could have come to you. Please leave him
This is dispicable

Dj2020 · 08/04/2023 19:24

Yeah I wouldn't be happy with that. What is the reason you aren't invited??

AuntMarch · 08/04/2023 19:25

5 years in - do you play a step parent role or are you dads partner they see occasionally? If it is the former then I would expect you to be invited - if they can be friendly for the kids, she should be able to be friendly with you too. If the latter, he isn't really doing anything wrong.

Although Easter wouldn't be an occasion I would even think about (I will be on my own too til DS comes home at 4pm and it didn't even cross my mind that might be unusual!), if it is important enough they need a family dinner then it should be important enough that DH mads proper plans with you around that fact.

category12 · 08/04/2023 19:26

Dj2020 · 08/04/2023 19:24

Yeah I wouldn't be happy with that. What is the reason you aren't invited??

Yeah, unless you were the OW, there's no reason that partners shouldn't be included in family dinners if they're doing the amicable thing.

MelchiorsMistress · 08/04/2023 19:27

Some separated families choose to do this for the benefit of the children involved, and I think it’s a good thing. It does make it difficult for new partners, but if everyone is honest from the start about it then you make a choice.

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:29

I know his kids come first, i adore them and he's sees them loads.
He knows i'll be on my own all day, he doesn't need to round for dinner.
I think it's more in my head it feels like they play happy families the whole lot of them while i'm left out in the cold.
I've never had a problem with bdays and xmas morning, his kids do come first. I don't know why i feel so upset, maybe i am a bad person.
Just him, his ex, his kids, his mum and his brother all having a lovely family lunch and i'm second best again.
Maybe i am cutting my nose off to spite my face but i just feel so crap.
My feelings are valid or why would i feel them

OP posts:
Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:30

I definitely wasn't the other woman they split years before i even met him

OP posts:
samestyle · 08/04/2023 19:30

It's a bit much, do you ever get invited for family gatherings? without the ex? I'd find it weird him going out as a family still.
Doesn't mean he can't still see kids but, he's separated so should see them with you surely, I could see the point if it was a kid's birthday but it's Easter Sunday. I can see why you feel left out.

category12 · 08/04/2023 19:32

happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:30

I definitely wasn't the other woman they split years before i even met him

Then I think you should absolutely be included in these family dinners.

You're a partner of 5 years, you should be considered part of the family.

Why aren't you invited? Seems mad.

Mumof4alsoabonus · 08/04/2023 19:32

I wouldn’t have been with him after the 1st year he did it, never mind after 5yrs. It’s ridiculous. You are meant to be his family

SunflowerTed · 08/04/2023 19:35

I’m not sure after 5 years as his partner why you’re not invited? I can see how you feel excluded. Speak to him and see if you can resolve it x

alltoowe · 08/04/2023 19:35

Yeah I wouldn't be thrilled with this either!

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:36

i do see his boys with him and we do days out and stuff.
i've never even met his ex, not my choice but it's always on and off amicable. I'm glad they are right now as it's best for the boys and him . She has always had a huge problem with him moving on, (i don't know why as she doesn't want to be with him) I think it was just some kind of jealousy. Anyway we've always taken things slow and tried to not throw our relationship in her face.
I'm not invited, never will be. It's all separate. She has a good relationship with his family hence they always do family things together.

OP posts:
Ragruggers · 08/04/2023 19:36

Can you invite a friend around for lunch or go out somewhere.You need to think if you want this going forward it is unlikely to change.Do you live together? I would start doing your own thing and telling him you are busy only see him when you decide.You deserve better.

Thelifeofawife · 08/04/2023 19:37

OP this is Easter, it’s not at all necessary for them to get together as a family. But if they are, after 5 years you are absolutely part of that family and they should be treating you as such.
His kids spend time with you, therefore there’s no reason you can’t be part of it. So you tell him you’ll be going too and he’s to make it a comfortable experience for you. If he doesn’t agree to this, you need to leave him.

I co-parent with my ex and get on well with him but we only tend to get together for Christmas & birthdays (or school related things) as these directly involve our DC.

Do you intend to have children with your DP? How will that work whilst he’s off being a family with his ex on literally any given Sunday, whilst you and your DC are left at home?!
It has to change, either you both go tomorrow or neither of you go (he can make an excuse that he’s sick if he wants to chicken out, but why shouldn’t he want his partner of 5 years there).

GrumpyPanda · 08/04/2023 19:38

ladydimitrescu · 08/04/2023 19:20

Look, op - you are second best. They're his kids, so you should be. Honestly if it's a huge issue cut your losses and move on, and don't date someone with kids. He's tried to see you after but you've had a tantrum and decided that's not good enough. You're cutting your own nose to spite your face.
It's much better to have an amicable relationship with the mother of his children, it goes to show he's a decent bloke. Surely that paints a better picture than slagging her off all the time and finding reasons not to see his kids? Would you really want a partner like that?

Well aren't you the charmer.

OP is entirely reasonable to object to be left to her own devices on a major holiday - it's a huge disrespect on the part of her "D"P. Not the same thing as running off and playing happy families on the kids' birthdays, say.

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:38

I will try and see a friend if they are not busy.
i've been to his brothers for dinner once and been over to his mums a few times. But their default is their family and i'm not included.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2023 19:38

I think five years wasted is enough. Move on already. This whole situation is outrageous.

category12 · 08/04/2023 19:40

happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:38

I will try and see a friend if they are not busy.
i've been to his brothers for dinner once and been over to his mums a few times. But their default is their family and i'm not included.

I would stop putting up with this - it's not normal. his mum and brother should have accepted you, and your DP should have intervened if they haven't.

You can do better, OP.

kirsty2023 · 08/04/2023 19:41

happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:30

I definitely wasn't the other woman they split years before i even met him

Why does his ex partner need to go to the family dinner...I would be pissed 2 if I was you but guess what I would meet up with a friend for a coffee and do ur own stuff

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:42

we won't have children and i have children who are older anyway (with their dad this weekend)
We have spoken of living with eachother but logistics and costs not possible straight away but may in a couple of years so we can afford more.
I don't know, we spoke about this the other day and i said i wasn't happy and felt left out. He said it probably won't happen anyway. And the. today he said he's going knowing i'll be upset.
Can't work out if i'm being some kind of controlling idiot or i'm right to feel this way

OP posts: