Page 6 | him and his bloody ex

happinessisalongwayoff · 2023-04-08T18:13:04+00:00

Easter sunday tomorrow. I have no family around, so will be on my own. Partner is going for easter dinner with his ex, his two lads, his mum and his brother. I'm obviously not invited. I'm glad they are amicable for the sake of the lads but why do they have to do this fake family thing. He's seeing his boys all day today anyway and overnight. I'm not bothered too much if it's xmas or one of his boys bdays. But i feel like i've been relegated, made to feel second best. He wants to see me after. I don't want to now. We've been together 5 years and he's been separated from her over 8 years. I've met the boys and his family etc but i'm always last on his priorities. He knows i wasn't happy about the prospect of this but he's still chosen to go. We originally had plans that afternoon but now he wants to delay this. I'm apparently being unreasonable- maybe i am, but i just feel like shit and so sad. Any advice would be appreciated.

Original poster

happinessisalongwayoff · 09/04/2023 00:27

Coffeeonmynind · 08/04/2023 23:33

Not sure his 'bloody ex' is the issue here. If he's seen his kids all day today and overnight as you say why does he have to be at the dinner tomorrow too?
I get invited to stuff with my kids by my ex sister in law without my exH being there because I actually get on with her better than he does and spent a lot of time with her & her kids who are same age as ours. It's not an issue.
Relationships with families don't always have to end when a marriage does.
He is the person to be annoyed with for messing you around.
How old are his kids?

agree it should say my bloody partner and his ex. It's not her fault. It's his.

OP posts:

Original poster

happinessisalongwayoff · 09/04/2023 00:28

Coffeeonmynind · 09/04/2023 00:07

If it's at his ex partner's house it's not his place to invite you and I don't see why she has to invite you either.

I would say the issue is with him choosing to do that rather than spend time with you as he had previously arranged, particularly if he's already spent lots of time with his kids this weekend.

my issue entirely, i wouldn't expect her to invite me when she's never met me

OP posts:

Original poster

happinessisalongwayoff · 09/04/2023 00:28

Matchymatchylemonscratchy · 09/04/2023 00:07

Honestly I’d move on from this and find someone who is going to fully embrace you. Both your partner and his family are excluding you to appease an ex partner from eight years ago. It’s weird and it’s disrespectful. I’d be done. Thank goodness you don’t live together.

Thank you for your understanding.

OP posts:

NormaTheWife · 09/04/2023 00:38

How old are these boys?

Original poster

happinessisalongwayoff · 09/04/2023 00:43

NormaTheWife · 09/04/2023 00:38

How old are these boys?

10 and 12, still little ones really

OP posts:

Codlingmoths · 09/04/2023 00:47

I’d have a lot of insecurities too if my partner of years consistently didn’t consider my feelings or prioritise me. Moving in with him would only make it worse op, that would be your joint home you’d be sitting in alone while he was off with his ‘real family’. I’d start thinking of a different future, he doesn’t seem to have made a person sized place in the one he’s planned out.

NormaTheWife · 09/04/2023 00:54

Been through this with my H's ex who insists on this with 18th , graduations and 21st dinners etc. She's running out now though until weddings and that is likely to be a while away. I've never met her and no need to. I can see at that age though why they might want to do a joint thing but Easter? Christmas I get - Easter hmmm...yes it's irritating but you either accept it or move on.

mrsplum2015 · 09/04/2023 00:54

Me and my ex do the whole amicable thing and he comes over at 6am on Christmas Day etc so that the children have a "normal" experience and Santa doesn't have to come twice etc.

We also do meals together for kids birthdays.

I have been single and he's with someone and I've always suggested she comes along but sometimes the kids say no and often she declines anyway. It's a quick get together for 2 hours or so.

This year we all had Christmas lunch together for various reasons and his family were visiting from further afield and of course his new partner came. It would have been strange if she didn't. I don't have that much to say to her but we can make general chit chat and share a bottle of wine with no issues.

One Christmas Eve I knew she was home alone while we were having dinner and I was adamant she should come along but she refused, which was her prerogative.

I feel for you, op, because if the ex gets a partner you'll probably be front and centre as she'll want her partner along too. Your partner should stick up for you but you could also suggest a meal on neutral ground ( for some other occasion, end of primary maybe? ) where you all go and break the ice?

When my ex got together with his partner I insisted on meeting her. It was the only stipulation I've ever made, but I wanted to know who was going to be around my kids so I could talk about her and reassure them I knew her etc. we had a coffee for maybe 45 mins and it was perfectly pleasant then she left and gave me a hug and it's the most we've ever really spoken but was really valuable.

Difficult maybe for you to suggest that but worth a try?

curtaintwitcher23 · 09/04/2023 03:38

You are totally validated in your feelings OP.
I'm surprised other posters haven't picked up on his mother's part in this too, it sounds like she hasn't come to terms with the reality of this situation and that he is appeasing her as well as his ex - 8 years ago new family traditions should have been established and you are being treated like some weird dirty secret.

I don't think it's ok for you to be excluded from birthdays etc either tbh and would also find that hurtful.

I'm a stepmum too and it's hard enough having to get your head round the dynamics of knowing your place and living with the ever presence of an ex without him and his family upholding this shitshow.
It can only work if you are shown a huge amount of respect and consideration and sadly you are being shown the opposite.

I'd be so interested to hear the explanation given to his children for your exclusion and concerned for the implications of this for the future when they might be looking for low hanging fruit as a punchbag when adolescence hits.

UnicornBoom · 09/04/2023 07:48

I'm so glad my parents didn't do this shit when they split up.

FfoxRedN · 09/04/2023 07:55

@happinessisalongwayoff 10 and 12 is plenty old enough to now do every other Christmas and swap over. It's also old enough to know Father Christmas isn't real and therefore doesn't only come to one house. There are perfectly normal ways to keep this amicable without 6 more years of joint meals at every celebration. Getting rid of these won't turn it into a nasty relationship. There's a middle ground.
You need to have a full conversation about what his expectations are moving forward in regards to his ex and if it's nothing different to now, with no consideration of you, it's time to leave. x

Shapemyeyebrows · 09/04/2023 08:14

@happinessisalongwayoff it seems like your partner, his ex, his mum and family all see you as nothing. What they are all doing is so disrespectful after 5 years of him being with you. Like someone else said above, what they are doing is so over the line of being amicable. They are pushing you out and you’re sticking around for some reason. If they want to play happy families to the detriment of your relationship then just leave and let them get on with it.

jenny38 · 09/04/2023 09:35

At the 5 year point I would expect to be treated as a partner, to come as a team. What are we doing for Easter? Etc
I think he's possibly stuck in a pattern of these events. Perhaps there has been times when you have had your children around, and wouldn't want to go anyway. I think not living together has probably contributed to this situation, as 2 separate homes means you must have days apart sometimes.
If he has chosen not to go, I would take this as a sign. Take the emotion out of it, and calmly talk about what both of your expectations are moving forward.
Everyone's relationships with exs are different. However I would be tempted to meet her at some point. Perhaps the next time they would do a thing- get your partner to book a pizza place, somewhere neutral. Invite your kids too. Invite the ex. She will see you are part of his life, and her children's. Obviously this depends on how you feel about meeting her. I can happily say I could go out with my partners ex now, but in the early days I would not have wanted to.
If you see your partner today, I hope you manage to have a good time. Remember people on the Internet do not know all the positive things about your partner, and are therefore looking at this situation in isolation. Approaching it as 2 adults solving a problem, rather than making assumptions and attribution meaning to his behaviour, without checking how accurate it is.

NormaTheWife · 09/04/2023 12:50

Shapemyeyebrows · 09/04/2023 08:14

@happinessisalongwayoff it seems like your partner, his ex, his mum and family all see you as nothing. What they are all doing is so disrespectful after 5 years of him being with you. Like someone else said above, what they are doing is so over the line of being amicable. They are pushing you out and you’re sticking around for some reason. If they want to play happy families to the detriment of your relationship then just leave and let them get on with it.

I doubt these events would happen if there were no Grandchildren.

NormaTheWife · 09/04/2023 12:53

but I do agree it is still too much!

NormaTheWife · 09/04/2023 12:57

mrsplum2015 · 09/04/2023 00:54

Me and my ex do the whole amicable thing and he comes over at 6am on Christmas Day etc so that the children have a "normal" experience and Santa doesn't have to come twice etc.

We also do meals together for kids birthdays.

I have been single and he's with someone and I've always suggested she comes along but sometimes the kids say no and often she declines anyway. It's a quick get together for 2 hours or so.

This year we all had Christmas lunch together for various reasons and his family were visiting from further afield and of course his new partner came. It would have been strange if she didn't. I don't have that much to say to her but we can make general chit chat and share a bottle of wine with no issues.

One Christmas Eve I knew she was home alone while we were having dinner and I was adamant she should come along but she refused, which was her prerogative.

I feel for you, op, because if the ex gets a partner you'll probably be front and centre as she'll want her partner along too. Your partner should stick up for you but you could also suggest a meal on neutral ground ( for some other occasion, end of primary maybe? ) where you all go and break the ice?

When my ex got together with his partner I insisted on meeting her. It was the only stipulation I've ever made, but I wanted to know who was going to be around my kids so I could talk about her and reassure them I knew her etc. we had a coffee for maybe 45 mins and it was perfectly pleasant then she left and gave me a hug and it's the most we've ever really spoken but was really valuable.

Difficult maybe for you to suggest that but worth a try?

What you don't seem to realise though is that his new partner probably doesn't want to accept your invitations to your "normaL" family get togethers. She had been "vetted" once by you and that was probably enough.

SchoolTripDrama · 09/04/2023 13:03

ladydimitrescu · 08/04/2023 19:20

Look, op - you are second best. They're his kids, so you should be. Honestly if it's a huge issue cut your losses and move on, and don't date someone with kids. He's tried to see you after but you've had a tantrum and decided that's not good enough. You're cutting your own nose to spite your face.
It's much better to have an amicable relationship with the mother of his children, it goes to show he's a decent bloke. Surely that paints a better picture than slagging her off all the time and finding reasons not to see his kids? Would you really want a partner like that?

A tantrum? Wtf?! How dare you, that's bang out of order! OP has every right to feel the way she does and I see no evidence of any 'Tantrum'

OP - There's absolutely no reason why he needs to go for dinner with the ex. He could've taken the kids with his Mum & brother and you could've gone too. You've been together 5 years so are part of the family.
If not, why couldn't you have gone as well as the ex if things are so 'amicable??'

SchoolTripDrama · 09/04/2023 13:19

Sorry I was so wound up on your behalf, I didn't read your updates!

You say he's not going now. Is that because of your feelings on the issue or for some other reason? @happinessisalongwayoff

Original poster

happinessisalongwayoff · 09/04/2023 15:32

He said he wasn't going last night via text but didn't say why. I've not even heard from him today, so i'm guessing he's gone and in his head i'm the one making an issue out of nothing.

OP posts:

P3N · 09/04/2023 15:47

Ask him what the plans are after dinner?

Original poster

happinessisalongwayoff · 09/04/2023 15:50

I don't want to. He's completely disregarded my feelings.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 09/04/2023 15:51

happinessisalongwayoff · 09/04/2023 15:50

I don't want to. He's completely disregarded my feelings.

It's time to end this relationship, don't you think? Haven't you had enough of being in third place?

Ladybug14 · 09/04/2023 16:02

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/04/2023 19:55

Fuck that! The ex must be loving this - two fingers up to you while she plays happy families. I wouldn’t put up with this after 5 years! No way. It’s on you, if you do op. He wont change - he doesn’t care enough about you.

I agree.

Also why hasn't his ex moved on?

The whole thing is very weird

Shapemyeyebrows · 09/04/2023 16:06

@happinessisalongwayoff I know it’s hard to end things when you love someone but he is showing you exactly how unimportant you are to him. It’s been 5 years… are you not fed up of being treated like a bit on the side? If you haven’t heard from him today then you know he’s gone there, with not even contacting you, why are you letting him treat you this way?

MumOf2workOptions · 09/04/2023 16:08

I think him putting his kids first is the right thing to do and shows he's a good Dad and a decent person, stop being so needy theyre his kids!!!

Why shouldn't he be amicable with the boys Mum? It would be a whole lot worse if they weren't!!!

I think you just need to take a step back and think about it all. As in,
if you had kids whether you would be able to be civil and join in or just wallow in your pity party and want it all me me me!