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Original poster

him and his bloody ex

181 replies

happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:13

Easter sunday tomorrow.
I have no family around, so will be on my own.
Partner is going for easter dinner with his ex, his two lads, his mum and his brother.
I'm obviously not invited.
I'm glad they are amicable for the sake of the lads but why do they have to do this fake family thing.
He's seeing his boys all day today anyway and overnight.
I'm not bothered too much if it's xmas or one of his boys bdays.
But i feel like i've been relegated, made to feel second best.
He wants to see me after. I don't want to now.
We've been together 5 years and he's been separated from her over 8 years.
I've met the boys and his family etc but i'm always last on his priorities.
He knows i wasn't happy about the prospect of this but he's still chosen to go.
We originally had plans that afternoon but now he wants to delay this.
I'm apparently being unreasonable- maybe i am, but i just feel like shit and so sad. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
MumOf2workOptions · 09/04/2023 16:12

happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:42

we won't have children and i have children who are older anyway (with their dad this weekend)
We have spoken of living with eachother but logistics and costs not possible straight away but may in a couple of years so we can afford more.
I don't know, we spoke about this the other day and i said i wasn't happy and felt left out. He said it probably won't happen anyway. And the. today he said he's going knowing i'll be upset.
Can't work out if i'm being some kind of controlling idiot or i'm right to feel this way

And if after 5 years you won't commit to living together quite frankly it's just a waste of time really!!!! I hadn't read this bit when I posted before!!!

If he won't live with you after 5 years then much as I would say he's being decent putting his kids first he clearly isn't that interested in your relationship moving forward.

I think you need a full and Frank discussion before you waste another 5 years!!

RoomOnTheBrooms · 09/04/2023 16:12

MumOf2workOptions · 09/04/2023 16:08

I think him putting his kids first is the right thing to do and shows he's a good Dad and a decent person, stop being so needy theyre his kids!!!

Why shouldn't he be amicable with the boys Mum? It would be a whole lot worse if they weren't!!!

I think you just need to take a step back and think about it all. As in,
if you had kids whether you would be able to be civil and join in or just wallow in your pity party and want it all me me me!

Very odd that you seem so emotionally fired up about someone else's situation.

After 5 years together (people have children within a year of being together), I think OP is more than valid in her thoughts and feelings.

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 09/04/2023 16:23

MumOf2workOptions · 09/04/2023 16:08

I think him putting his kids first is the right thing to do and shows he's a good Dad and a decent person, stop being so needy theyre his kids!!!

Why shouldn't he be amicable with the boys Mum? It would be a whole lot worse if they weren't!!!

I think you just need to take a step back and think about it all. As in,
if you had kids whether you would be able to be civil and join in or just wallow in your pity party and want it all me me me!

He's not doing it to put his kids first?
He's seen his boys loads and will again tomorrow.
Easter isn't even a big thing to him, he's not religious.
My issue is with him and them all behaving like they are still one big happy family while i feel disregarded.
I'm not having a pity party, i told him yesterday i didn't see a way forward if this is how it's always going to be. Yeh i'm upset but who wouldn't be after so many years. I've let things go on like this for too long. Now i have some serious thinking to do on how and what my future should look like as i can't feel like this every few months they have a family occasion.

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 09/04/2023 17:11

@MumOf2workOptions there’s a difference between civil and amicable for the kids and then acting like they are still a couple and making OP feel like the other woman. @happinessisalongwayoff I don’t think you will get anywhere with this guy no matter what you say now, it’s been 5 years, if he wanted to stop crossing the boundaries and include you then would have done so by now. Instead he does what he wants knowing it upsets you and makes you feel like you’re being unreasonable. Any token gestures he does now will be because he’s been forced into it.

Newestname002 · 09/04/2023 18:07

@happinessisalongwayoff

He just wants an easy life and no conflict

At your expense... surely a better solution, where you are not always last in this situation, could have been reached after five years together? This is something he could have driven if he really, truly sees you as the partner in his life in the future and not just an option which works for him because you fit into his plans. 🌹

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 09/04/2023 19:29

Newestname002 · 09/04/2023 18:07

@happinessisalongwayoff

He just wants an easy life and no conflict

At your expense... surely a better solution, where you are not always last in this situation, could have been reached after five years together? This is something he could have driven if he really, truly sees you as the partner in his life in the future and not just an option which works for him because you fit into his plans. 🌹

Yeh i agree. He did spend xmas lunch with me after seeing them.
Was last year there was a family 'do' but i couldn't go as she was there.
And then a couple of months ago they all went on a family walk.
I'm glad they can get on but I feel like they play pretend families.
Still not heard from him, they all must be having a great time.

OP posts:
FfoxRedN · 09/04/2023 19:40

@happinessisalongwayoff I thought you had plans after?
This is ridiculous. Even if you tolerated it, you should expect a check in.
I really feel for you xx

Inamess2022 · 09/04/2023 19:43

My advice OP is to move away from this situation as fast as possible, I have been there and I couldn’t take it anymore, in fact it was twisted that I was the “abnormal” one for having an issue with it. You deserve so much better ❤️

Inamess2022 · 09/04/2023 19:44

Just to add there is nothing wrong with coparenting but personally I think this type takes it too far and makes the new partner feel alienated and excluded. Basically it’s not fair and I also feel for you x

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 09/04/2023 20:28

Inamess2022 · 09/04/2023 19:44

Just to add there is nothing wrong with coparenting but personally I think this type takes it too far and makes the new partner feel alienated and excluded. Basically it’s not fair and I also feel for you x

Thank you. I don't really have any choice unless he sets boundaries and respects my feelings.
Otherwise i'm always going to feel like the outsider or the OW, when i shouldn't.

OP posts:
Morechocmorechoc · 09/04/2023 20:52

He should be spending all holidays with you and his share with the kids. Not with ex and kids. That's not normal. I'd be thinking twice and personally be leaving if I were you. You're not his partner in the real sense.

mrsplum2015 · 09/04/2023 21:07

"What you don't seem to realise though is that his new partner probably doesn't want to accept your invitations to your "normaL" family get togethers. She had been "vetted" once by you and that was probably enough "

Like I said that's her prerogative but my point was she would always be invited as my ex's partner. As my ex has three children she respects the fact they are equally his family ( of which I am part ) as she is.

Fyi she does similar birthday meals for her kids with their dad which my ex has been to.

My point is that op needs to accept the way her partner parents but shouldnt accept being excluded.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 09/04/2023 21:19

Sorry OP it does sound rough, after 5 years I would not expect to be shunned by his family or not invited to family events because she is there, its incredibly disrespectful and it shows that there isn't really any longevity in the relationship.

Slimjimtobe · 09/04/2023 21:34

Have you still not heard from him op ?

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 09/04/2023 21:49

Slimjimtobe · 09/04/2023 21:34

Have you still not heard from him op ?

no. i might text him

OP posts:
kirsty2023 · 09/04/2023 21:50

Slimjimtobe · 09/04/2023 21:34

Have you still not heard from him op ?

I wouldn't txt him let him do the running about if he cares about u he will come crawling back you watch give it time x

Thelifeofawife · 09/04/2023 21:52

happinessisalongwayoff · 09/04/2023 21:49

no. i might text him

Show quote history

OP I wouldn’t bother. Been there, done that. You’re chasing someone who has wronged you and who should be chasing you given he knows you were supposed to have plans, and knows how you feel about what he’s doing.
My DH is a nightmare for doing stuff like this, honestly see the red flags that I ignored and leave him to come to you (or better still
walk away) 💐

NormaTheWife · 09/04/2023 21:55

I know it is tempting to text him but you are basically saying It's Ok to treat me like this.

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 09/04/2023 22:03

i know. I still want to though. See if he actually went, (i think he did). See what he says.

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 09/04/2023 22:12

@happinessisalongwayoff don’t text him. I know it’s very tempting to contact him but he’s making a mug of you. He told you he wasn’t going to go, he said he would do something with you today, and then he’s obviously gone there and then not all contacted you once. Why after him doing that would you even think about contacting him? I think he’s actually being pretty cruel to you.

Newestname002 · 09/04/2023 22:18

happinessisalongwayoff · 09/04/2023 22:03

i know. I still want to though. See if he actually went, (i think he did). See what he says.

I wouldn't contact him. He'll either lie to you or justify doing what he did and is likely to do again. Neither of these reactions give you any respect.

In your shoes I would seriously consider getting yourself out of this relationship where you are not respected and let him get on with it. You deserve better. 🌹

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 09/04/2023 22:20

I won't. It's getting late anyway. i just feel weak and hate not knowing. Even though his actions speak volumes.

OP posts:
Slimjimtobe · 09/04/2023 22:41

Try not to text (though I no I would because I wouldn’t have the patience to wait)

what I feel is you need time to think - even if you want to end it, it’s not as easy as that and you have bonded with his kids and invested 5 years. That’s not easy to throw away even if that is the right thing to do. Take some time away from him to really think things through.

Coffeeonmynind · 09/04/2023 23:00

Do you know why his relationship with the ex broke down?
I wonder if there are reasons he's keeping you separate and it's entirely him doing it, maybe there are things he hasn't been honest about and he doesn't want you finding out?
Whatever, he has not been fair to you today on any level and if I was you I would want there to be a bloody good reason why he hasn't been in touch.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 09/04/2023 23:36

His kids are 10 and 12, they are not young.
There is no reason for you to be excluded from family things because his ex is there.