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Original poster

him and his bloody ex

181 replies

happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:13

Easter sunday tomorrow.
I have no family around, so will be on my own.
Partner is going for easter dinner with his ex, his two lads, his mum and his brother.
I'm obviously not invited.
I'm glad they are amicable for the sake of the lads but why do they have to do this fake family thing.
He's seeing his boys all day today anyway and overnight.
I'm not bothered too much if it's xmas or one of his boys bdays.
But i feel like i've been relegated, made to feel second best.
He wants to see me after. I don't want to now.
We've been together 5 years and he's been separated from her over 8 years.
I've met the boys and his family etc but i'm always last on his priorities.
He knows i wasn't happy about the prospect of this but he's still chosen to go.
We originally had plans that afternoon but now he wants to delay this.
I'm apparently being unreasonable- maybe i am, but i just feel like shit and so sad. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Suetcrust · 08/04/2023 19:45

After 5 years it should be you and his kids plus Mom and bro.
The ex shouldn’t be invited.
By now you should be his priority (after his children) and not his fall back option.
I feel sad for you. I hope you can find a good way forward for future such occasions.
Chin up. Do something nice for yourself tomorrow.

Xarrie · 08/04/2023 19:46

Yeah fuck that. I would dump and move on.

Louisetopaz21 · 08/04/2023 19:46

I would not be with this person you deserve better. This man does not value you xx

VioletladyGrantham · 08/04/2023 19:47

Interesting...what would happen if you got married to him? And have his children?

FairAcre · 08/04/2023 19:47

I think that after five years it’s weird he is still having Easter Sunday with his ex and his family and I totally understand how you feel. I doubt this is going to change and he obviously doesn’t care much that you are upset. He just expects you to fit in with his plans and be available at the end of the day. Please think seriously about moving on. Finding somebody who puts you first or at least has more consideration. Do not be available for him this weekend. He doesn’t deserve it.

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:48

Suetcrust · 08/04/2023 19:45

After 5 years it should be you and his kids plus Mom and bro.
The ex shouldn’t be invited.
By now you should be his priority (after his children) and not his fall back option.
I feel sad for you. I hope you can find a good way forward for future such occasions.
Chin up. Do something nice for yourself tomorrow.

That's how i feel too. It's just crap as he's so black and white in his thinking, saying i have a huge problem over a couple of hours. I should be happy they are all getting along.
I am but i feel like i'm not important. He knows i struggle with holidays on my own anyway due to my own lack of family around. It can feel desperately lonely

OP posts:
Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:53

FairAcre · 08/04/2023 19:47

I think that after five years it’s weird he is still having Easter Sunday with his ex and his family and I totally understand how you feel. I doubt this is going to change and he obviously doesn’t care much that you are upset. He just expects you to fit in with his plans and be available at the end of the day. Please think seriously about moving on. Finding somebody who puts you first or at least has more consideration. Do not be available for him this weekend. He doesn’t deserve it.

I think the fact i feel so upset about this, i may have to move on.
I don't want to but i can't feel like this every few months.
I wish he could compromise and just spend time with them altogether on occasions like bdays or xmas.
I think he still sees them all
as a family. In some weird way.
I'm not worried they are seeing each other behind my back or anything and i'm sure he and her do not want to be with each other.
I'm sure he does love me and wants a future with me. But then again he puts my feelings list and makes me feel u reasonable for feeling like this

OP posts:
kirsty2023 · 08/04/2023 19:54

happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:38

I will try and see a friend if they are not busy.
i've been to his brothers for dinner once and been over to his mums a few times. But their default is their family and i'm not included.

Op I would think of it as fuck them all if ur have been together for that long u should be part of the family in-laws are always picky I wouldn't bother with them I'm that way with mine pain in the ass I've been with my other half for 13 years and have 5 kids with him but my kids never see them and they will always pick ex over me coz I speak my mind and they don't like it xx

Suzi888 · 08/04/2023 19:55

It’s not all day. You are seeing him later? Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. Let him go, enjoy some time alone, have a bath, watch a film, get ready. Kids will grow up.

Of course you have every right to be upset, but if it’s a good relationship in every other way then I’d suck it up. Or if you feel strongly go out / away with friends in future.

Dj2020 · 08/04/2023 19:55

I think your feelings are valid. And I'd be feeling the same in that situation. I would just get on with your own life and move on because after 5 years it's unlikely to change.

SquidwardBound · 08/04/2023 19:55

Look: all this ‘the kids must come first’ is a total red herring in this.

You’ve been with this man for 5 years. And every time there’s a family occasion he very clearly shows you that he does not consider you to be part of his family. Easter, Christmases, birthdays … any ‘family’ event and he excludes you. 5 years is a long time to be sitting twiddling your thumbs while he plays at happy families with his ex.

You don’t have to put up with this. The fact he has kids doesn’t make it ok to treat you like you don’t matter.

You feel second best. Any partner that is happy for you to feel this way, is not a good partner.

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/04/2023 19:55

Fuck that! The ex must be loving this - two fingers up to you while she plays happy families. I wouldn’t put up with this after 5 years! No way. It’s on you, if you do op. He wont change - he doesn’t care enough about you.

SquidwardBound · 08/04/2023 19:57

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/04/2023 19:55

Fuck that! The ex must be loving this - two fingers up to you while she plays happy families. I wouldn’t put up with this after 5 years! No way. It’s on you, if you do op. He wont change - he doesn’t care enough about you.

Tbh I think it’s weird that she wants to spend Easter Sunday with her ex-ILs and her ex 8 years after they split up.

neilyoungismyhero · 08/04/2023 20:01

happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:29

I know his kids come first, i adore them and he's sees them loads.
He knows i'll be on my own all day, he doesn't need to round for dinner.
I think it's more in my head it feels like they play happy families the whole lot of them while i'm left out in the cold.
I've never had a problem with bdays and xmas morning, his kids do come first. I don't know why i feel so upset, maybe i am a bad person.
Just him, his ex, his kids, his mum and his brother all having a lovely family lunch and i'm second best again.
Maybe i am cutting my nose off to spite my face but i just feel so crap.
My feelings are valid or why would i feel them

Just because his children come first it doesn't mean after a lot of years together that they should occupy the top table whilst you're relegated to the trough certainly not when the ex is dining with them and his family. It's ridiculous and complete shit behaviour on his part. Certainly sending a message to his kids where you stand in the pecking order. To be honest if you love your life with him and his children you're just going to have to suck it up, he's not going to factor in your feelings is he? On the other hand if like me you can't/couldn't cope with this BS I'd be off and leave them all to it.

OhBoilYeKettle · 08/04/2023 20:02

Not read all the comments but I'm sure you've been told it's entirely normal, good, great, correct that you would be last on his priorities etc etc.

However I disagree. The occasional thing once in a blue moon with his ex, fine. To be expected when they have kids together but no I'd not be happy if my husband spent every 'holiday' with his ex and their kids. Especially after 5 years together. You are supposed to be the family together with him and his kids, not just him, his ex and their kids and then you on the side for unimportant times of the year. I just don't think this way of doing things is very conclusive of creating a new family/long term relationship, what happens if you get married? Have children with him? Is he still going to be skipping off to Christmas dinner with his ex and first kids and leaving you alone with yours?

They aren't together anymore, he is with you, you are his family along with his children and I think you should be making your own traditions as that family especially after so long together, if you'd been around for 6 months fair enough but 5 years and he's still sharing special occasions with his ex rather than his partner? No. That type of thing just doesn't scream committed relationship/family to me.

I have step children, their parents (my husband and his ex) do the occasional thing together, a birthday party, parents evenings, school plays whatever but things like Christmas and Easter and whatever else are spent with us, his family (Inc his kids). Granted we have children now of our own so it wouldn't even work him doing this but even so, I'd not be happy about it.

You can't force him to stop though I guess but personally I'd be leaving because I just wouldn't really feel like we were a family, it's like he's got his proper family for the special times and then you for the rest of the times on the side.

OhBoilYeKettle · 08/04/2023 20:06

Just caught up with the comments and glad to see you've only had a few crazy ones anyway!

Jellyx · 08/04/2023 20:06

It's not his ex- it's his children's mother. How long have you been together- when would you expect to be involved with the children? Are you all in?

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 20:07

Suzi888 · 08/04/2023 19:55

It’s not all day. You are seeing him later? Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. Let him go, enjoy some time alone, have a bath, watch a film, get ready. Kids will grow up.

Of course you have every right to be upset, but if it’s a good relationship in every other way then I’d suck it up. Or if you feel strongly go out / away with friends in future.

That's why i feel so conflicted, some part of me thinks this too. But my overwhelming feelings are i'm being treated as second best, an after thought, i don't know?
Surely i wouldn't feel this crap if i was being unreasonable? Im usually pretty chilled and want what's best for everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 20:08

Thank you all for validating my feelings. Not sure where to go from her but still it's nice to feel understood and not like someone who wouldn't want him to prioritise his kids

OP posts:
changerlot · 08/04/2023 20:11

B no j no n

ohjeesus · 08/04/2023 20:12

Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2023 19:38

I think five years wasted is enough. Move on already. This whole situation is outrageous.

This!!!! 5 years and you are still excluded! Fuck them!

Popetthetreehugger · 08/04/2023 20:13

I don’t agree with it making the children feel secure, more confusing . Also sending messages that you are not counted… even after 5 years

SwishSwishBisch · 08/04/2023 20:14

The ongoing relationship between his ex and his family would not be weird in the slightest, and would in fact be absolutely lovely if you were included too
But you’re not
They are all quite deliberately choosing to exclude you. And choosing to do that multiple times a year.
That screams volumes that you just aren’t seen as part of his family, which after 5 years, you really should be.

This man is being extremely cruel, and worse seems to have absolutely no awareness of it, or interest in changing things.

You deserve so much better OP!

CantWait01 · 08/04/2023 20:16

No I don’t think that’s appropriate. A family Easter lunch should include you. Or if his kids are small he could see them for an hour then spend the rest of the day with you.

OhBoilYeKettle · 08/04/2023 20:19

The kids can't even possibly be that tiny, they split 8 years ago meaning the youngest has to be at least 8ish and the older one even more than that.

Perfectly old enough to understand why their separated parents don't spend Christmas day/Easter day together.

They've created a problem themselves by carrying it on for so long now because now they've created this "norm".

Your partner had absolutely no business getting into a relationship if he didn't want to actually commit to that relationship and that family with you. Like I've said, what happens if you marry and have children? Is he expecting this to just go on unchanged into his children's adulthood?

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