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Original poster

him and his bloody ex

181 replies

happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:13

Easter sunday tomorrow.
I have no family around, so will be on my own.
Partner is going for easter dinner with his ex, his two lads, his mum and his brother.
I'm obviously not invited.
I'm glad they are amicable for the sake of the lads but why do they have to do this fake family thing.
He's seeing his boys all day today anyway and overnight.
I'm not bothered too much if it's xmas or one of his boys bdays.
But i feel like i've been relegated, made to feel second best.
He wants to see me after. I don't want to now.
We've been together 5 years and he's been separated from her over 8 years.
I've met the boys and his family etc but i'm always last on his priorities.
He knows i wasn't happy about the prospect of this but he's still chosen to go.
We originally had plans that afternoon but now he wants to delay this.
I'm apparently being unreasonable- maybe i am, but i just feel like shit and so sad. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Slimjimtobe · 08/04/2023 20:19

This is really tough because he is with his children but at the same time - you’ve been with him 5 years

so heavily invested
it is so tricky
i suppose how many more years will it be until the kids grow up and do their own thing ? Will they ever include you in their lives ?

what do you feel ? Did you want to go the meal ?

Holshicup · 08/04/2023 20:21

I wonder how he would feel if roles were reversed and you were meeting up with your ex and family

Dj2020 · 08/04/2023 20:21

SwishSwishBisch · 08/04/2023 20:14

The ongoing relationship between his ex and his family would not be weird in the slightest, and would in fact be absolutely lovely if you were included too
But you’re not
They are all quite deliberately choosing to exclude you. And choosing to do that multiple times a year.
That screams volumes that you just aren’t seen as part of his family, which after 5 years, you really should be.

This man is being extremely cruel, and worse seems to have absolutely no awareness of it, or interest in changing things.

You deserve so much better OP!

This!

UndercoverCop · 08/04/2023 20:23

I wouldn't have any issue with this is you were invited too, there's no reason you shouldn't be you weren't the other woman, it's a long term stable relationship, they've been separated 8 years. If they do these family events because it sends a good message about getting along y with each other for family harmony, surely that's only strengthened by including you

Expo23 · 08/04/2023 20:24

I'm really sorry OP. Five years is such a long time. For the last couple of years at least you should have had an invite. He is actively not choosing you and it is a shame he doesn't see it. He may be fearful he won't see his kids if his ex does get jealous and unpredictable but can he not go down the legal route to firm up access arrangements so that he is not walking on eggshells? If it isn't this and he is just not seeing it as an issue I would consider moving on. It will be tough but the constant knocks to your self esteem will be equally as tough and potentially end up cutting deeper if this is to continue this way. It does sound like it may not be all at the decree of the ex though, due to the limited contact you've had with his mum and brother at other times. Don't be hoodwinked into thinking you are in a fully committed relationship just because you are in a monogamous relationship. They are not mutually exclusive.

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 20:33

it wouldn't even cross their mind to invite me. I'm treated like an outsider even though i'm not.
We won't have children, i don't want anymore.
I think he can do what he wants. But it doesn't mean i have to be ok with it. i'll never be prioritised it will just be black and white "that's my family". Need to move on but it's so hard after five years and loving someone.

OP posts:
Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 20:35

Also he's a really good dad! Even when his ex has been very unreasonable he would always try and emphasise with her feelings and why she was behaving that way.
He will always have his boys and extra if he can and pay above what he should for them. It's one of the things that attracted me to him.
Shame he can't emphasise with my feelings the same way

OP posts:
Treetops73 · 08/04/2023 20:36

I’m sorry OP, this situation doesn’t sound fair on you. Does he give a reason for not inviting you? My worry would be that you won’t be included in any events, ever, where both parents would be involved. The kids’ university graduation ceremonies, weddings, etc? Sounds like you need a serious conversation with your partner where you explain your feelings and ask him when you can expect to be invited. If your lack of invitation is due to the ex or his mother, he needs to stand up to them. If it’s him that doesn’t want you there then that’s a whole other issue. Either way, I fear that he doesn’t want to change the status quo and so you might need to end the relationship. 💐

SquidwardBound · 08/04/2023 20:37

Jellyx · 08/04/2023 20:06

It's not his ex- it's his children's mother. How long have you been together- when would you expect to be involved with the children? Are you all in?

oh come on. She is his ex, even if they’re both parents to their children.

Surely the problem here is that he is far from ‘all-in’.

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 20:42

Treetops73 · 08/04/2023 20:36

I’m sorry OP, this situation doesn’t sound fair on you. Does he give a reason for not inviting you? My worry would be that you won’t be included in any events, ever, where both parents would be involved. The kids’ university graduation ceremonies, weddings, etc? Sounds like you need a serious conversation with your partner where you explain your feelings and ask him when you can expect to be invited. If your lack of invitation is due to the ex or his mother, he needs to stand up to them. If it’s him that doesn’t want you there then that’s a whole other issue. Either way, I fear that he doesn’t want to change the status quo and so you might need to end the relationship. 💐

the lack of invitation i think is his ex. I get on well with his family.
His family and his ex all still see each-other regularly.
He's always kept everything separate as she always had an issue with us being together. I don't know why. She hasn't moved on or met anyone.
He just wants an easy life and no conflict

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 08/04/2023 20:42

You say he's been separated for 8 years, do you by that mean they haven't divorced yet? To the uninitiated, it may seem to amount to the same thing, but if you end up being a GF to a separated man, there is a big difference. Its the whole attachment thing, they cannot stop trying to recreate the family atmosphere they used to have as they are not fully disconnected. I don't know how you have put up with this for 5 years - that's a lot of birthdays, Xmas especially, Easters etc.
A divorced man feels more separate and probably would of invited and insisted that you could come along. It's also strange after 5 years that you have not met his ex I'd be suspicious on the reasoning of that, as any mother usually would be interested to know who their DC are spending their time with.
I know blending families is hard, but he should of blended you in more years ago. It's time to stick up for yourself, perhaps time to call it a day, you deserve better than to be hidden from family events after all these years.

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 20:43

Opentooffers · 08/04/2023 20:42

You say he's been separated for 8 years, do you by that mean they haven't divorced yet? To the uninitiated, it may seem to amount to the same thing, but if you end up being a GF to a separated man, there is a big difference. Its the whole attachment thing, they cannot stop trying to recreate the family atmosphere they used to have as they are not fully disconnected. I don't know how you have put up with this for 5 years - that's a lot of birthdays, Xmas especially, Easters etc.
A divorced man feels more separate and probably would of invited and insisted that you could come along. It's also strange after 5 years that you have not met his ex I'd be suspicious on the reasoning of that, as any mother usually would be interested to know who their DC are spending their time with.
I know blending families is hard, but he should of blended you in more years ago. It's time to stick up for yourself, perhaps time to call it a day, you deserve better than to be hidden from family events after all these years.

they were never married. They were in a long term relationship and had two children.

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 08/04/2023 20:45

The lack of invitation is him, @happinessisalongwayoff. Even if his ex were against it, he doesn’t just have to do what she wants.

In these situations it is so easy for the focus on the ex to obscure the actions and choices of the man. If he wanted you to be invited, you’d be invited.

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 20:48

SquidwardBound · 08/04/2023 20:45

The lack of invitation is him, @happinessisalongwayoff. Even if his ex were against it, he doesn’t just have to do what she wants.

In these situations it is so easy for the focus on the ex to obscure the actions and choices of the man. If he wanted you to be invited, you’d be invited.

yes very true. Hard to know but true

OP posts:
gettingoldisshit · 08/04/2023 20:51

happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:13

Easter sunday tomorrow.
I have no family around, so will be on my own.
Partner is going for easter dinner with his ex, his two lads, his mum and his brother.
I'm obviously not invited.
I'm glad they are amicable for the sake of the lads but why do they have to do this fake family thing.
He's seeing his boys all day today anyway and overnight.
I'm not bothered too much if it's xmas or one of his boys bdays.
But i feel like i've been relegated, made to feel second best.
He wants to see me after. I don't want to now.
We've been together 5 years and he's been separated from her over 8 years.
I've met the boys and his family etc but i'm always last on his priorities.
He knows i wasn't happy about the prospect of this but he's still chosen to go.
We originally had plans that afternoon but now he wants to delay this.
I'm apparently being unreasonable- maybe i am, but i just feel like shit and so sad. Any advice would be appreciated.

This is absolute bollocks! Don't tolerate being treated like this! It is not normal for them to be excluding you and doing " family" things because they are no longer a family! Your partner is wrong to treat you this way and needs to either stop behaving like this or fuck off!

Nanny0gg · 08/04/2023 20:51

He just wants an easy life and no conflict

At your expense

kirsty2023 · 08/04/2023 20:52

I think ur best bet is to cut ur losses and leave it's never going to get better I've been there a waste of time and u will only end up getting hurt find someone else or having some me time don't let a man walk all over u

YOU ARE WORTH MORE good luck op x

Shapemyeyebrows · 08/04/2023 20:53

@happinessisalongwayoff he is disrespecting you here and is massively blurring the boundaries here with his ex, it’s not like it’s Xmas or one of the kids bdays! I can’t believe you have stuck around for 5 years with it being like this?

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 20:54

Does it make a difference that she is hosting the "family" dinner at her house? I've never met her. He's just trying to keep things amicable or am i a total mug?

OP posts:
MrsCarson · 08/04/2023 20:54

He delayed your afternoon plans with him and he thinks you are being unreasonable? Sod him, order take out, stick your feet up and enjoy watching what you want without catering to him. Don't forget to eat Chocolate eggs.

YouWithoutEnd · 08/04/2023 20:55

If everything is as happy clappy and amicable as they’re all making out, then why can’t you also go to dinner with them? Surely it’s better for the kids to see all these adults with complex connections able to get on with each other?

kirsty2023 · 08/04/2023 20:56

happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 20:54

Does it make a difference that she is hosting the "family" dinner at her house? I've never met her. He's just trying to keep things amicable or am i a total mug?

I hate to say it op but he's mugging u off

Slimjimtobe · 08/04/2023 21:01

I think I would rip the plaster off even though you’ve invested 5 years than waste more time

Wjaf is the future otherwise ? Every special day on your own. He’s a nice man and good father but is he truly good to YOU?

AreWeThereYet69 · 08/04/2023 21:04

I think that's absolutely outrageous! I'd be gutted if I was being treated like that. It should be you, him, his kids and family together tomorrow. And if you were OK with it, include his ex!
After 5 years it's disgraceful.
His priorities are skewed.
Sorry you're being treated this way.

MyriadOfTravels · 08/04/2023 21:05

You should be able to attend too.
Because that’s what the situation is. It’s not aîné big family with the ex and your DP, DP family and the dcs. It’s all of that AND you (and the partner if tte ex if she has one).

Otherwise, you are just a spare part. And it is sending the message to the dcs and his family that you will never be ‘family’ yourself… Not good.

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