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Original poster

him and his bloody ex

181 replies

happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:13

Easter sunday tomorrow.
I have no family around, so will be on my own.
Partner is going for easter dinner with his ex, his two lads, his mum and his brother.
I'm obviously not invited.
I'm glad they are amicable for the sake of the lads but why do they have to do this fake family thing.
He's seeing his boys all day today anyway and overnight.
I'm not bothered too much if it's xmas or one of his boys bdays.
But i feel like i've been relegated, made to feel second best.
He wants to see me after. I don't want to now.
We've been together 5 years and he's been separated from her over 8 years.
I've met the boys and his family etc but i'm always last on his priorities.
He knows i wasn't happy about the prospect of this but he's still chosen to go.
We originally had plans that afternoon but now he wants to delay this.
I'm apparently being unreasonable- maybe i am, but i just feel like shit and so sad. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
CinderRosie · 08/04/2023 21:06

I once heard that the only thing worse than wasting five years with someone, is wasting five years and one day with someone.

It is so true. You’ve invested all that time and it feels like a waste of effort to walk away but by staying you’re just wasting even more and will never get a return.

MyriadOfTravels · 08/04/2023 21:08

it wouldn't even cross their mind to invite me. I'm treated like an outsider even though i'm not.

Actually thé actions if the whole family (your DP, the ex etc…) are telling you you are not family. You are still an outsider despite whatever your DP might say.

Believe his actions, not his words.

FfoxRedN · 08/04/2023 21:12

happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:29

I know his kids come first, i adore them and he's sees them loads.
He knows i'll be on my own all day, he doesn't need to round for dinner.
I think it's more in my head it feels like they play happy families the whole lot of them while i'm left out in the cold.
I've never had a problem with bdays and xmas morning, his kids do come first. I don't know why i feel so upset, maybe i am a bad person.
Just him, his ex, his kids, his mum and his brother all having a lovely family lunch and i'm second best again.
Maybe i am cutting my nose off to spite my face but i just feel so crap.
My feelings are valid or why would i feel them

As a step mum myself this would hurt my feelings massively. After 8 years separated it's odd that you're not invited. Especially as his Mum is going too.
Have you tried telling him that it's gone on too long? Surely the children know that their parents aren't together? Wouldn't this be confusing for them?
If it still continues...you should be invited. If not I'd be leaving. Your feelings are not being considered at all and to put it bluntly...you feel excluded because you are.
I really hope you can come to a compromise xx

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 21:16

Thank you all for understanding. I would've gone mad thinking i'm some kind of horrible controlling gf if i'd not posted on here. I'm still a little conflicted as it is only a couple of hours. But still, he knows i have no family and i'm still excluded.
I think i need to rip the plaster off, I really don't want to but nothing will ever change. I'll always feel unhappy.

OP posts:
FfoxRedN · 08/04/2023 21:18

OP. He is gaslighting you!! My DH said once 'I told 'her' I missed us as a family'.
I gave him 3 days to think about what he wanted. Her and their children together, or me and their children separately. He has never crossed the boundaries since. They have either got to move on, or may as well be back together.
Your feelings are valid, don't let him make you think they're not. This is an awful arrangement and I don't know anyone who would stand for it!

Daisydu · 08/04/2023 21:22

No way should he be doing that. Mainly because you feel uncomfortable about it, but also I never can understand why this is necessary. It’s about boundaries though, so you tell him your boundary and if he doesn’t like it dump him. You should absolutely not feel like you are not high on his priorities. A lot on here will say it’s great he’s amicable with his ex ect, it is, but not to the point he’s spending time with her. you do not have to accept it, so don’t.

DHsPoorBack · 08/04/2023 21:25

category12 · 08/04/2023 19:21

Has the ex got a new partner?

Course she hasn't.

BungleandGeorge · 08/04/2023 21:27

tbh I’m not sure why she would
invite you to a meal at her house. She’s never met you and you’re not living together/ married. I think people usually invite their ex to things like this just to avoid having to alternate and not seeing them at all every other year. If you’re keeping separate houses isn’t it fairly normal that you both do
your own thing at times? Maybe instead of waiting for an invite, invite them all to your house for a meal? Or ask your partner to invite them and you to his?

Sunnydays78 · 08/04/2023 21:29

you know when people say don’t listen to what they say but watch and see how they treat you. He is showing you where you come in his list of priorities, I’m not saying he shouldn’t see his kids but you should be invited too. This won’t change. He either needs to include you or you leave. This isn’t fair on you x

Babooshka1990 · 08/04/2023 21:32

You should be invited too

Angeldelight50 · 08/04/2023 21:35

It sounds like you have made your feelings clear and he could easily rectify the situation by including you. What is his reasoning for keeping you separate? I would question why you’re being kept at arms length if all feelings are platonic.

whattodo87 · 08/04/2023 21:41

I would hate this and I think it's very cruel.
You should be excepted into his family, and if you're not then I would question whether he is serious about your relationship.
After 5 yrs of being together then how can he leave you at home, on your own !
Tbh - his family don't sound very nice and they don't sound like they have accepted you at all.
Do you want to continue like that ? I know I wouldn't ...
I am separated from my children's father, and we take turns on the holidays each year - why can't he do that ?

Minime88888888 · 08/04/2023 21:47

This going nowhere slowly.....You've been together for 5 years you should be at the Easter Family meal. Ex wife doesn't want you there for whatever reason and your long term serious relationship guy isn't insisting that you are there with him. I don't think this relationship will ever progress from this. Imagine if you do move in with him in a couple of years time, what will Easter be like then? You need better than this. Have it out with him, find out where you stand, if your not by his side for the big days then tell him to stick the little days up his arse. X

Oopsiedaisyy · 08/04/2023 21:49

So been with my partner for a year, he's separated and his ex wife sounds like your partners - struggling with her ex husband moving on. My bf insists I'm at family events, including xmas day and she has had to learn that i am part of his life, like it or not. Your bf is making a choice not to set this boundary

Anotheradventureforme · 08/04/2023 21:51

Does she know you exist? He does sound a bit 'cake and eat it'

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 21:52

Thank you all. He says he's not going now but not elaborated on why. Feel numb, like i've had enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 21:53

Anotheradventureforme · 08/04/2023 21:51

Does she know you exist? He does sound a bit 'cake and eat it'

yes she does. His kids adore me and go on about me in front of her apparently, they are so sweet.

OP posts:
winningeasy · 08/04/2023 21:54

You should absolutely be invited!

I think a full dinner with extended family is a bit weird. Maybe a quick cuppa round each other's house whilst doing pick up and drop off would be sufficient to make the kids feel secure.

It might not be the case but I wonder if neither of them have moved on? What's your sense on it OP?

justasmalltownmum · 08/04/2023 21:55

Why can't you go too

winningeasy · 08/04/2023 21:56

Honestly, LTB

CloseRunningRiver · 08/04/2023 21:56

Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2023 19:38

I think five years wasted is enough. Move on already. This whole situation is outrageous.

I think this too, he doesn’t seem to care enough about you, and I’m sure you deserve more

Anotheradventureforme · 08/04/2023 21:57

Hugs @happinessisalongwayoff . You are not at fault here, you sound lovely x

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 21:59

winningeasy · 08/04/2023 21:54

You should absolutely be invited!

I think a full dinner with extended family is a bit weird. Maybe a quick cuppa round each other's house whilst doing pick up and drop off would be sufficient to make the kids feel secure.

It might not be the case but I wonder if neither of them have moved on? What's your sense on it OP?

I think she doesn't want to be with him, but still wants some kind of family thing. And my partner, well i think he's definitely over her but still grieving he's not a full time dad and thinks he can have some kind of family relationship but still be with me somehow.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2023 22:01

Unfortunately, I don't think you're "the one" for him. Trust in his actions, and they are telling you that you're a placeholder. Fuck that. You can do so much better. Find a man who adores you.

holaschicas · 08/04/2023 22:08

YANBU, LTB