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Original poster

him and his bloody ex

181 replies

happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:13

Easter sunday tomorrow.
I have no family around, so will be on my own.
Partner is going for easter dinner with his ex, his two lads, his mum and his brother.
I'm obviously not invited.
I'm glad they are amicable for the sake of the lads but why do they have to do this fake family thing.
He's seeing his boys all day today anyway and overnight.
I'm not bothered too much if it's xmas or one of his boys bdays.
But i feel like i've been relegated, made to feel second best.
He wants to see me after. I don't want to now.
We've been together 5 years and he's been separated from her over 8 years.
I've met the boys and his family etc but i'm always last on his priorities.
He knows i wasn't happy about the prospect of this but he's still chosen to go.
We originally had plans that afternoon but now he wants to delay this.
I'm apparently being unreasonable- maybe i am, but i just feel like shit and so sad. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 08/04/2023 22:10

its just one day OP. Would you feel differently if it wasn’t Easter? I know some people feel more isolated over celebrations/bank holidays if they aren’t surrounded by family, and are alone. Sounds like it’s a really good set up with his ex, being amicable. The alternative, where relations are crap with ex’s, is an awful situation. Can’t you just spend some time with a friend or family?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 08/04/2023 22:11

Ah OP you deserve better. After 5 years, you should be invited. My ex had this type of set up with his ex and his parents, I walked away in the end as it was never going to change. I don't regret it in the slightest. It's not right for a partner to never be invited but the ex is. It's really shitty.

TheVikingGirl · 08/04/2023 22:16

Suetcrust · 08/04/2023 19:45

After 5 years it should be you and his kids plus Mom and bro.
The ex shouldn’t be invited.
By now you should be his priority (after his children) and not his fall back option.
I feel sad for you. I hope you can find a good way forward for future such occasions.
Chin up. Do something nice for yourself tomorrow.

This!! I’ve been there OP, if it’s not all of you after 5 years then he needs to go! I’ve been here, it was a lonely time. Good luck x

Beaverbridge · 08/04/2023 22:17

Absolutely bollocks. I don't understand separated/ divorced people all hanging about with each other, going for family meals!. You'd be quite right if you hunted him, he should be putting you first.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 08/04/2023 22:23

Naw fuck that, after 5 years you should be invited. I'm divorced and I'm
Amicable with my ex and we co parent well, but there's no way I'd be having Easter (or Xmas) lunch with him. I spend it with my dh and every other year the dc join us.

It seems like you come way down the pecking order and his priority, as you should come second to his dc, but not third or forth to his ex and her family etc

WetBandits · 08/04/2023 22:23

OP, read your own username Flowers is this really how you want to live for the rest of your stepkids’ teens?

Thepossibility · 08/04/2023 22:27

This is not on you're being treated like his little bit on the side.
5 years in it should be a given you are his +1 to things.
I'm all for putting the children first but this isn't that. This is pushing you out.

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 08/04/2023 22:30

Hang on, you drip fed if correct that it's the ex hosting it in her home.

That makes a world of difference.

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 08/04/2023 22:33

happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 20:54

Does it make a difference that she is hosting the "family" dinner at her house? I've never met her. He's just trying to keep things amicable or am i a total mug?

This makes a world of difference.

It's his Mum, Brother, or him mugging you off, it's just her.

I still couldn't be arsed though.

NotNowGertrude · 08/04/2023 22:34

Sorry but he's showing you how important you are to him through his actions

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 08/04/2023 22:35

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 08/04/2023 22:33

This makes a world of difference.

It's his Mum, Brother, or him mugging you off, it's just her.

I still couldn't be arsed though.

Show quote history

*not

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 22:37

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 08/04/2023 22:30

Hang on, you drip fed if correct that it's the ex hosting it in her home.

That makes a world of difference.

wasn't an intentional drip feed. Was just trying to be succinct and state the basic facts.
They are still all going for their family dinner, i wasn't expecting to be invited anyway. Just didn't know why he had to go and also change our plans to go, and all the stuff that goes with that.

OP posts:
Lili132 · 08/04/2023 22:40

BungleandGeorge · 08/04/2023 21:27

tbh I’m not sure why she would
invite you to a meal at her house. She’s never met you and you’re not living together/ married. I think people usually invite their ex to things like this just to avoid having to alternate and not seeing them at all every other year. If you’re keeping separate houses isn’t it fairly normal that you both do
your own thing at times? Maybe instead of waiting for an invite, invite them all to your house for a meal? Or ask your partner to invite them and you to his?

I can never understand why people have this outdated, black and white idea of relationships.
You can be married, living "together" but actually not be in a proper relationship at all. You can also have two different houses but have very committed relationship and expect to spend important moments together.
There is no rule that says she can't have her own standards and expectations just because her partnership doesn't fit your criteria.

NadjaCravensworth1 · 08/04/2023 22:45

Would you want to go? My husband has 3 kids and whenever they do stuff with the ex I can't can't decline an invitation fast enough

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 08/04/2023 22:51

happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 22:37

wasn't an intentional drip feed. Was just trying to be succinct and state the basic facts.
They are still all going for their family dinner, i wasn't expecting to be invited anyway. Just didn't know why he had to go and also change our plans to go, and all the stuff that goes with that.

Show quote history

Fair enough,

But it does make a huge difference as to why you weren't invited.

His family didn't not invite you.

His ex who is hosting in her home did.

Ex did not invite me to family dinner....

Fantasmagoricalan · 08/04/2023 22:51

You’ve been together five years???

Yeah, that’s not ok.

Original poster
happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 22:56

i never said i was expecting to be invited. I was questioning the fact they have to have these family dinners where i am excluded. He still sees his boys loads anyway. I'm confused in my views. I want him to have a good relationship with her for the sake of the boys. I dont want to feel like i'm not important and excluded. If it was xmas or a bday it wouldn't feel the same i don't think.
I have insecurities like most but ireally don't think this is where my feelings are coming from.

OP posts:
chezpopbang · 08/04/2023 23:01

ladydimitrescu · 08/04/2023 19:20

Look, op - you are second best. They're his kids, so you should be. Honestly if it's a huge issue cut your losses and move on, and don't date someone with kids. He's tried to see you after but you've had a tantrum and decided that's not good enough. You're cutting your own nose to spite your face.
It's much better to have an amicable relationship with the mother of his children, it goes to show he's a decent bloke. Surely that paints a better picture than slagging her off all the time and finding reasons not to see his kids? Would you really want a partner like that?

Wtf?! She's been with him 5 years not 5 minutes. There is not reason she can't be included in this plan. She is either part of the family or she isn't. I would put up with this behaviour!

Northernsouloldies · 08/04/2023 23:10

happinessisalongwayoff · 08/04/2023 19:29

I know his kids come first, i adore them and he's sees them loads.
He knows i'll be on my own all day, he doesn't need to round for dinner.
I think it's more in my head it feels like they play happy families the whole lot of them while i'm left out in the cold.
I've never had a problem with bdays and xmas morning, his kids do come first. I don't know why i feel so upset, maybe i am a bad person.
Just him, his ex, his kids, his mum and his brother all having a lovely family lunch and i'm second best again.
Maybe i am cutting my nose off to spite my face but i just feel so crap.
My feelings are valid or why would i feel them

You are not a bad person, but wouldn't it be very uncomfortable for you if you were at any of these gatherings because I get the distinct feeling you would be sidelined. Hopefully you can find something to fill that day and it's something you don't often get the chance to do.

FictionalCharacter · 08/04/2023 23:32

Sorry but your partner and his ex are going way beyond being amicable for the kids' sake.
Going to your ex's place with your parents for a "family" dinner, leaving your current partner on their own, is not normal or OK.
Leaving your partner of 5 years out of family visits is not ok.
I'm afraid neither of them has let go of the idea that they and their kids are still a family unit. He wants to keep that and have a relationship with you as well. His "family" life with his ex, kids and parents is more important to him. I couldn't be in a relationship like that, certainly not after 5 years.

Coffeeonmynind · 08/04/2023 23:33

Not sure his 'bloody ex' is the issue here. If he's seen his kids all day today and overnight as you say why does he have to be at the dinner tomorrow too?
I get invited to stuff with my kids by my ex sister in law without my exH being there because I actually get on with her better than he does and spent a lot of time with her & her kids who are same age as ours. It's not an issue.
Relationships with families don't always have to end when a marriage does.
He is the person to be annoyed with for messing you around.
How old are his kids?

Thisgirlcan21 · 08/04/2023 23:45

After 5 years he should be inviting you along! You are part of his and his childrens world.

Matchymatchylemonscratchy · 09/04/2023 00:07

Honestly I’d move on from this and find someone who is going to fully embrace you. Both your partner and his family are excluding you to appease an ex partner from eight years ago. It’s weird and it’s disrespectful. I’d be done. Thank goodness you don’t live together.

Coffeeonmynind · 09/04/2023 00:07

If it's at his ex partner's house it's not his place to invite you and I don't see why she has to invite you either.

I would say the issue is with him choosing to do that rather than spend time with you as he had previously arranged, particularly if he's already spent lots of time with his kids this weekend.

Mammyloveswine · 09/04/2023 00:26

Absolutely ridiculous!!! Shocking of his mam to not ask why you are excluded too!

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