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Original poster

DH on sick leave - feeling frustrated

385 replies

chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 18:41

Hi, just looking for other people's opinions.

Have been married to DH for 17 years. We have three children together, teens and pre teens. DH is 50 and works in a high pressure job three days a week. So he has four days off, and he totally relaxes on the four days - does no housework or gardening, very little cooking or house/ children admin. I work part time (two days a week) in a relatively low paid job, and do everything in the house/ garden and for the children.

I was a SAHM for a few years as one of our DC has additional needs, plus we moved around with DH's job.

My DH has suffered with his mental health, ie depression and anxiety, since I have known him. He is on antidepressants and has had a lot of therapy (still ongoing). He now seems to be burnt out with his job and has been signed off on sick leave. He is saying that he doesn't feel he can go back at all - he has some insurance in place for long term sick pay which may pay out, but it won't cover our household expenses.

I feel really conflicted - I feel sorry for him and really empathise as I know how much he has struggled. It's just that I have been his emotional support for years and I feel burnt out with all the problems. He actually spent a few years being very unpleasant to me (he has now apologised and admitted it was partly due to stress).

Things have been up and down with his jobs ever since I have known him. I have never been able to plan a nice holiday or finish decorating the house as it was never sure if he was going to stay at his job or not. This wasn't what I thought would happen in our lives. He has said that he would now be happy to just potter about the house and do hobbies for the rest of his life. If he really needed to, he would try to get a bit of work if we couldn't cover our costs but he would be happy never to work again.

Part of me feels like a selfish bitch for saying this, but the fact that he wants to just potter about at the age of 50 makes me feel a bit depressed myself. I used to really enjoy the days I had to myself when the children were at school and he was at work - now he will be at home all the time. I feel drained when he is around sometimes as he has such low energy and spends a lot of time lying on the sofa or just in his own world.

He loves the children and is a lovely dad, but just hasn't got much energy or "get up and go". I'm not really sure if he loves me any more - he says he does, but i don't really feel it - probably as he is depressed.

I should probably look to increasing my own hours at work. I have ADHD and need down time so I have been apprehensive about doing this before, but maybe I have to.

Any thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 06/04/2023 18:49

Yes, I think you do need to increase your hours at work, you might be the only person providing an income soon. Plus then you'd have more control over spending on things like holidays and house decoration.
Dh will have to step up around the home and garden, and with the DC.

minidancer · 06/04/2023 19:11

I'm sure he would be happier with a few days on his own at home to potter. It's given you that luxury by working it a job that causes him stress. I think you need to find more of a balance. You need to work more and he needs to help round the house more and find a job he enjoys that doesn't cause him to burn out.

Soozikinzii · 06/04/2023 19:16

It does sound like he's burnt out by his job so you will have.to take some of the Financial strain . He will then have to do more at home . You will need to discuss the new arrangements and be clear you can't do everything. But he can't carry on as it is .

RememberNancyDrew · 06/04/2023 19:21

Suppose it is his turn to potter around the house alone. You might obtain full time work as soon as you can. Switch roles.

newjobnewstartihope · 06/04/2023 19:21

I don't get how so many women feel they should do minimal hours and get to enjoy leisurely days whilst their partner struggles working all the hours god sends in a job they hate?

MadMadMadamMim · 06/04/2023 19:25

I think you'll need to up your hours.

I'd frankly love to do 2 days a week in a low paid job - but I'm the breadwinner doing 60 hour weeks and facing burn out.

You've had 17 years by the sound of it of p/t pottering. Maybe it's your turn to take up more of the financial strain?

GrumpyPanda · 06/04/2023 19:28

RememberNancyDrew · 06/04/2023 19:21

Suppose it is his turn to potter around the house alone. You might obtain full time work as soon as you can. Switch roles.

You've missed how he doesn't lift a single finger around the house. Bit hard to switch roles when it's only one party doing the switching.

LoekMa · 06/04/2023 19:31

But if you were working, you would still have time apart. Don't see an issue

Original poster
chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 19:34

Thanks for the comments - yes I think I will up my hours at work.

Just to clarify - DH has only ever worked three days a week. He already has four days off to potter round the house and do hobbies. I don't ask him to do anything as I know he struggles, even though it has been difficult for me to do everything, especially when the DC were young.

I work two days a week, and although I do have time to myself on my days off, I also do everything in the house and garden, driving kids around, arranging every social activity, birthdays, Christmas etc. It's not like DH has been working flat out full time and I have been taking it easy.

The reason that he worked one day a week more than me is because he is in a highly paid job so it made sense. When the children were young, he was not able to cope with night wakings, and the intensity of childcare, or housework, so we agreed it was easier if I did that and he went to work part time. Then I went back to work part time, and still did everything else.

OP posts:
PoBaFla · 06/04/2023 19:36

He is saying that he doesn't feel he can go back at all - he has some insurance in place for long term sick pay which may pay out, but it won't cover our household expenses.

Has he looked into whether his condition is covered by this? There's often requirements which need to be met in terms of nature and severity of illness for these policies to pay out

Darhon · 06/04/2023 19:39

He’s too young and your kids are too young for him to retire, I’m afraid. So you need to work more and he needs to find another job and still
work.

Pammela · 06/04/2023 19:46

I agree that you should up your hours. But I do think some of the previous comments are unfair- he only worked 1 day more. It may have been more stressful, but he had a bit of a balance.
I think you should suggest he can get another, less stressful, job. And you could work 3/4 days, he could work 2 days. This might provide a better balance?

Summerhillsquare · 06/04/2023 19:48

Quite convenient that he wasn't able to cope with children, or housework, or work, but hobbies are absolutely fine.

drpet49 · 06/04/2023 19:59

newjobnewstartihope · 06/04/2023 19:21

I don't get how so many women feel they should do minimal hours and get to enjoy leisurely days whilst their partner struggles working all the hours god sends in a job they hate?

I agree. It’s wholly unfair and not good for a relationship.

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 20:00

Summerhillsquare · 06/04/2023 19:48

Quite convenient that he wasn't able to cope with children, or housework, or work, but hobbies are absolutely fine.

Do you know anything about mental health at all?

Clymene · 06/04/2023 20:05

Neither of them work full time. The OP - given she does everything around the house - has always had less free time than her feckless husband.

Perhaps some people should read both the OP's posts? There are only two so should be too onerous.

Original poster
chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 20:08

@newjobnewstartihope @drpet49 I agree - but that is not my situation at all

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 20:09

@PoBaFla Thanks, I will look into this

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 20:12

@Clymene Thank you! I was wondering if some of the PPs had missed reading a large part of what I had actually written

OP posts:
Bluebells1970 · 06/04/2023 20:12

Honestly he sounds like an energy sponge. Mental health issues don't mean a free pass to checking out of family life.

You're his wife, not his enabler.

Livinginanotherworld · 06/04/2023 20:14

Hmmm I think everyone would like to retire at 50 and just potter. I think the only way this would work is if you made it very clear to him that he does the housework and child care whilst you go full time. He is perfectly capable of putting a hoover around surely ? Even if he had a list to tick off if he couldn’t organise himself. He sounds like he is using his mental health problems as an excuse to be a lazy so and so.

SueVineer · 06/04/2023 20:16

Clymene · 06/04/2023 20:05

Neither of them work full time. The OP - given she does everything around the house - has always had less free time than her feckless husband.

Perhaps some people should read both the OP's posts? There are only two so should be too onerous.

On the other hand though op didn’t work at all for years and her dh had a high pressure job (whereas she says she doesn’t). I agree he should pull his weight but there does need to be balance and if he’s not well enough to go to work he can’t work.

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 06/04/2023 20:25

newjobnewstartihope · 06/04/2023 19:21

I don't get how so many women feel they should do minimal hours and get to enjoy leisurely days whilst their partner struggles working all the hours god sends in a job they hate?

People always come up with this... 🙄

Unlike MEN, when women are not at work, they do NOT spend their time pissing about doing fuck-all. Most of them do almost everything, from housework, childcare, school runs, shopping, washing, looking after older or infirm family members, and household admin, and everything, as well as working an actual job too sometimes.

When men ARE at home 'leisurely pottering about,' this is all they do! They do fuck-all in the house and home, and sit on their arse watching TV, scrolling through the phone, and snoozing. My DH was off for six months during covid, and he didn't lift a fucking FINGER to help. Just sat on his arse watching TV and sleeping in til 11am.

5 or 6 weeks in - when I realised he was going to be off for many months, I said to him 'you need to pull your weight around the house if you're not working. I'm not having you sat there like a lazy lump doing fuck-all while I do everything.' I was still working too. (From home 3 days a week.) He was actually gobsmacked and offended that I called him out. He said 'you only have to ask if you want me to help you...' Angry Fucking arsehole. I shouldn't need to ask! And even after me calling him out, he still did hardly anything.

And he isn't HELPING me. The housework is not my JOB. He got on my fucking tits just hanging around like a fart all day, constantly chatting and getting under my feet. I couldn't wait for him to go back to work! What will I do when he retires? No idea. I am dreading it. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

But yes, a man's place is at WORK, in the workplace. Not piss-arseing and lounging about in the home, just watching TV, playing video games, scrolling about on their phones, and traipsing around following you about chatting shit all day. And even if they DO go out, they are just playing their blokey 'man' sports like cycling, golf, and fucking footie.

@chocolatedaisy Your husband sounds like a useless feckless whingebag. I would be leaving if I were you. It's too late for me now. I should have left YEARS ago but was too weak and scared. I stayed 'for the children' and waited for them to finish school and then college and then uni, and then waited for them to leave home. Now it's too late.

And like HELL should you 'up' your hours. Stick HIS lazy ass out to work more hours. He sounds insufferable. Funny how men 'can't cope' with daily life and just find it so easy to check out of family life. Good job most WOMEN don't do the same. Hmm Women CAN'T. Noooooo. WE have to look after out family!

Mammyloveswine · 06/04/2023 20:32

Am I the only one thinking how the fuck do you afford to live?! We both work full time and have fuck all spare at the end of the month after wraparound childcare/bills/food!

Summerhillsquare · 06/04/2023 20:36

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 20:00

Do you know anything about mental health at all?

Show quote history

I do, unfortunately I didn't have a wife to accommodate me so I had to get on with it.

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