DH on sick leave - feeling frustrated

[chocolatedaisy]

Hi, just looking for other people's opinions.

Have been married to DH for 17 years. We have three children together, teens and pre teens. DH is 50 and works in a high pressure job three days a week. So he has four days off, and he totally relaxes on the four days - does no housework or gardening, very little cooking or house/ children admin. I work part time (two days a week) in a relatively low paid job, and do everything in the house/ garden and for the children.

I was a SAHM for a few years as one of our DC has additional needs, plus we moved around with DH's job.

My DH has suffered with his mental health, ie depression and anxiety, since I have known him. He is on antidepressants and has had a lot of therapy (still ongoing). He now seems to be burnt out with his job and has been signed off on sick leave. He is saying that he doesn't feel he can go back at all - he has some insurance in place for long term sick pay which may pay out, but it won't cover our household expenses.

I feel really conflicted - I feel sorry for him and really empathise as I know how much he has struggled. It's just that I have been his emotional support for years and I feel burnt out with all the problems. He actually spent a few years being very unpleasant to me (he has now apologised and admitted it was partly due to stress).

Things have been up and down with his jobs ever since I have known him. I have never been able to plan a nice holiday or finish decorating the house as it was never sure if he was going to stay at his job or not. This wasn't what I thought would happen in our lives. He has said that he would now be happy to just potter about the house and do hobbies for the rest of his life. If he really needed to, he would try to get a bit of work if we couldn't cover our costs but he would be happy never to work again.

Part of me feels like a selfish bitch for saying this, but the fact that he wants to just potter about at the age of 50 makes me feel a bit depressed myself. I used to really enjoy the days I had to myself when the children were at school and he was at work - now he will be at home all the time. I feel drained when he is around sometimes as he has such low energy and spends a lot of time lying on the sofa or just in his own world.

He loves the children and is a lovely dad, but just hasn't got much energy or "get up and go". I'm not really sure if he loves me any more - he says he does, but i don't really feel it - probably as he is depressed.

I should probably look to increasing my own hours at work. I have ADHD and need down time so I have been apprehensive about doing this before, but maybe I have to.

Any thoughts welcomed.

Indeed.

Um, you have read OP's posts, haven't you? Or have you somehow extrapolated from them that he is planning a complete U turn and will become a housework and childcare whizzkid when he packs in his job?

I wouldn't mind doing that at all. I've suggested that as an option to DH countless times. He hasn't wanted to. For me it's the fact that he has been unhappy and depressed for years that I have struggled with. I don't mind working full time/ living in a smaller house. In that scenario I would still be doing all the housework/ life admin even if we were both working full time in comparable jobs.

Well I'm afraid you're going to have to take control of your own destiny. If you are resentful of what he doesn't do around the house etc and do it all anyway at least then you won't have the simmering resentment as well

I think this is quite a complicated issue and I am not sure there is an easy way out. My dad was a doctor with a very stressful speciality, and my DH works in a super high pressure job, so I know about burnout in your 50s. I can also see that you are burnt out, quite naturally. I myself did/do most of the childcare/life admin and yeah, it's not fun. But DH has enabled me to work in a low stress creative job that I enjoy far more than he does, so.... We did swap roles for a couple of years but it did not work out.

Do you have a cleaner? Can you work outside the house so you don't see him moping all the time?

I'm loving it how everyone assumes that working in private healthcare means he's a doctor or medically trained - or even that that is relevant. For all anyone knows, he's the office admin. No doubt an "amazing" office admin, but... but he must be a sainted medic, astonishingly not like any of the ones regularly slagged off on other threads ....

OP, you are wasting your time with this bunfight. Congratulations on winning the weekend prize for being the worst wife/mother/woman according to a bunch of middle class entitled housewives with nothing better to do. You don't have to satisfy anyone here, and you certainly won't be getting any help or support or encouragement - so pretty much exactly like your home life. You need to decide what your future looks like and what you want it to look like, and go from there. Perhaps think about some counselling to help you - I recall you worked for a council, so avail yourself of OH and counselling that is provided by your employers. You don't need to be "sick" as such to ask for OH support. Stop trying to make him happy, and explore what will make you happy - and if that isn't something he will step up to, then you know what you need to do.

For all anyone knows, he's the office admin. No doubt an "amazing" office admin, but... but he must be a sainted medic, astonishingly not like any of the ones regularly slagged off on other threads ....

Would he earn enough doing that to support 3 DC in 3 days work per week? I think not.

I think counselling is a good idea though. Might help the Dh realise how draining he is being.

"I should probably look to increasing my own hours at work. I have ADHD and need down time so I have been apprehensive about doing this before, but maybe I have to."

Pot. Kettle.

You've both had the luxury of not having to work FT for years (if ever). Looking after a house and parenting shouldn't be a challenge* Most people I know - both parents work FT as well as keeping on top of housework / parenting etc etc. It's just life.

It appears that in your case Op, resentment has seeped in because on your DH's 4 days 'off' he doesn't pull his weight. So he gets 4 days of down time, wherehas you get less?

If he has MH issues / depression that could explain why he's not pulling his weight. A stressful job will be contributing to that (or have caused it). If he wants to leave his stressful job then he should be able to, and get something less stressful once he feels able.

The issue for me would be if he's gettng help. If he's trying to get himself better, for his sake and yours and DC's, then I have sympathy for him. If he's given in to it then I can understand your frustration.

All that said, I would be looking for more hours if I were you - no reason not to, but on the proviso that he also starts to do his share at home (or work towards that aim, even if he needs medical help right now)

Exactly!

The OP has basically said what he does....

Well I am sure he would like to potter around. But at 50 he is too young to retire so perhaps he could get a less stressful job in healthcare. I’m not sure you should increase your hours unless he really is going to take on more of the housework which doesnt sound likely. Otherwise you are just going to be doing it all.

Also, I don’t see you’ve been taking it easy… You have been the one raising the children and looking after the house!

Perhaps you missed: And coping with all the housework, childcare, shopping, cooking, whilst also supporting depressed husband. Quite hard to commit to a full time job as well perhaps?

OP said that they have always lived frugally. I'm not making assumptions, unlike most people here. There's quite a few families with 3 or more children on nothing but benefits, and they seem to live.

And I meant counselling for the OP, not her husband. Why should he care how anything impacts on her? He's not showing any consideration for her or their children, and it doesn't much seem like he ever has, unless it has been on his terms.

No, she basically hasn't said what he does. A lot of people have made assumptions about it.

This could make me splutter into my tea a bit but that is such an u generous reaction. We have points if similarity though and I feel like I am on the other side of that transitional space where you find yourself.

I have four kids - two in primary, one with asd and all at home. I do all the kid stuff, the admin stuff, work big hours most weeks, do the shopping blah blah. I have adhd too - sometimes I think this means I do much better under pressure and at the deadline. My dh is ill too - depressed and worse. I do his medical stuff too. . He is very unwell and I doubt he will work again. He sounds a bit younger than yours. I used to be a SAHM. I facilitated his work and career for years. I suppose my main take on it would be that you have to do what works for you and future you. I have spent time securing my salary and gaining promotions. The old show home is now a shit tip but we kept it so that’s a win for now. I have invested in my kids, my friendships and my body (have a physio as have a long-standing leg issue).

The old vision of the future is gone. Retirement plans, holiday plans, living standards have all been drastically altered. This is maybe the bit that you need to focus on - the letting go, the reconfiguration. You also sound like you need to change your boundaries with arranging your husband’s medical care? There will always be someone having more and less, working more or less, with a husband who does more of less. It doesn’t matter but what matters is getting your present to a place that makes you feel hopeful about your future. Then you can evaluate where your relationship is up to. I will say for me full time work is much easier than all the faffy shit at home and between judicious outsourcing, online stuff and easy meals I find it less of a chore than I did as a SAHM! You don’t know how big changes feel until you try them but keep your focus on you and you can keep changing what doesn’t work.
Good luck.

Eh? What on earth 😂I have an amazing husband, amazing kids and a career ive worked damned hard for. My husband would never dream of leaving everything at home to me. We are 50/50, always have been and always will be. I am nobodies servant and I would never have married a man who thought all he had to do was work 30 hours a week and contribute nothing else. I look around at my home, my family and I am so content. I believe all women can have this. What do I have to be bitter about? My mental health? Well, I had breast cancer young, had my breasts removed and never had a reconstruction because tbh I'd had enough by then (on the waiting list now though 😊) it is hard for me everytime I look in a mirror, life is hard when you don't have nipples and are built like spongebob! I deal with a lot internally but hey ho that's life! So, no bitterness here but you may want to reflect on your own posts on this thread. Telling women that men don't need to help in the house or with the kids if they have a job, even a part time one lol. Its shameful and I hope you at least teach any daughters you may have to want more.

Good post.

If DH is prepared to get a lower stress WFH job to help pay the bills, or pull his weight around the house, ok. If he’s not (which I think we know is the reality) she really needs to question whether she can support another adult emotionally and financially for the rest of her life.

How she will feel when she is working FT and doing all the admin and chores, while he potters forever. Resentment will build up fast and likely end in divorce eventually.

If they split now, she can work FT with a decreased workload on the homefront and have plenty of time to build up her pension.

The other aspect to consider is that - when DH stops work - if it comes to a divorce he may decide to go for custody despite the fact he doesn’t lift a finger to care for his kids (possibly to spite the OP if he’s angry) - and he may get it if he argues that he is their primary carer. (Women have been hit with this before).

So personally I would be very wary of entering that set up as it may come back to bite you.

Just popped back and @jemimapuddlepluck you have 3 kids, a very full on highly pressured job and on your day off… you’ve dedicated a dozen very long posts, every hour on the hour, to this thread.

I don’t know whether to applaud or pity! That is commitment to a thread!!

Full time fantasist probably

I disagree, but I wish you the best

Spot on
im I’ll do I need downtime
my husband is ill and I resent his downtime

Well one thing I have learned from this thread is that if I ever had a problem and was looking for advice I would certainly not post on Mumsnet about it. Some of the vitriol towards the OP is gobsmacking.

Certain posters seem to be ignoring the fact that throughout their relationship the OP has tried to find a way to make their lives together work despite his mental health condition. She says that she has tried to find him medical help which he has refused to take, she has altered her working hours because he cannot cope with childcare and housework, she has tried to find solutions and he seems to have refused to engage with any of them.

What I'm getting from the OPs posts is that she is at the end of her tether and is now faced with her situation becoming even worse. This is not about who works the longer hours or brings in more money.

I really feel for you OP. If your husband is not prepared to try to do anything to improve the situation then I think you will need to think of your own financial and emotional needs and do what is best for you.